Amair

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“Rivers and trails, they're all the way down there/There's something about a plane/There's something about a plane/All aboard America, all aboard Amair”
~ Amair commercial jingle, circa 1985
Amairlogo

Original Amair logo, representing one airplane taking off while another lands simultaneously. This logo was changed after a series of runway accidents.

Amair is the marketing name of the National Airline Passenger Corporation, the national airline of the United States. As of last Tuesday, Amair's 17 or 18 flights a day served well over four airports in all 51 states.

edit Before Amair

Beginning after The Second World War II, the fortunes of the airline industry took a steep decline due to the increased use of automobiles, not to mention teleportation. Some of the best-known names in the airline industry disappeared as various companies merged and diversified. Pan Am merged with American Airlines to form Pan Am-AA. Northwest Airlines merged with Western Airlines to form WestJet. United Airlines merged with the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts to form United Center.

A few airlines tried to win passengers back with improved service. Allegheny Airlines began providing its passengers with oxygen, even changing its name to USAir to highlight the new technology that allowed passengers to survive a flight longer than three minutes. Braniff reformulated its in-flight meals, emphasizing the first half of its name, and adopted the slogan "The Regular Airline." Meanwhile, Delta Airlines re-equipped its fleet with a new widebody airplane, the Delta Burke.

However, even the invention of the 12-ounce can of Coca-Cola, made specifically to fit inside airline beverage service carts, didn't stem the tide. By 1970, the situation was extremely dire. Facing bankruptcy, United Center was forced to sell Chicago's Bally-Midway International Airport to Michael Jordan, who turned it into a hockey arena. Pan Am-AA attempted to sell off their corporate name letter by letter, but finding only one buyer, exited the airline industry entirely to focus on the canal business. Only Southwest Airlines was showing a profit, thanks to an increase in belligerent drunk passengers whining to airport gate agents about airline flight delays in the hopes of being featured on the then-popular E! television program Belligerent Drunk Passengers Whining to Airport Gate Agents About Airline Flight Delays (title usually shortened to Airline).

Clearly, something had to be done, and E! quickly acted, moving Airline to 9:00 P.M. Also, President Calvin Coolidge quietly signed the National Airline Moving Back to Life Act (NAMBLA), which would replace the private airlines with a new government-run airline combining the speed of the U.S. Postal Service with the efficiency of the U.S. Postal Service.

edit The Early Days

Amair

As the first Amair flight pushes back from the gate, a ground worker signals to point out that the luggage hasn't been loaded yet.

The government had initially hoped to acquire the USAir name from the owner of the trademark, but 7-year-old Jeffrey Wilkins refused, not even for both Bob Gibson rookie cards from the government's collection. After a couple of "nyahh, nyahh" exchanges, the government took its ball, went home, and came up with the name Amair.


edit Amair Today

edit Amair Flights

edit Amair Innovations

  • Jet-puffed marshmallows
  • Bicycle wheels (based on a "hub-and-spoke" design patented by Amair)
  • Two new words: "whoops" and "uh-oh"
  • Seat belts so complicated, someone has to show you how to buckle them
  • On-board cable TV
  • On-board satellite TV, installed shortly after The Big Coaxial Snag Disaster of 2003
  • 650-millimeter seat pitch (big numbers make things sound bigger)
  • The "advertised specials not valid at airport locations" disclaimer
  • Jay Jay the Hideous-Looking Ripoff of Thomas the Tank Engine Who Is Himself Fairly Hideous-Looking -- whoops, I mean Jay Jay the Jet Plane
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