Alyx Vance

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Alyx lips

Aiming and shooting candies into Alyx's mouth was one of Gordon's favorite pastimes next to keeping his MySpace page up-to-date.


“...”
~ Gordon Freeman on Alyx Vance (and everything else)
“You gonna get raped...”
~ Ron Jeremy on Alyx Vance

The last remaining Ultra Z fighter on Earth-HL, Alyx "V for" Vance has stood for great justice ever since somebody set us up the resonance cascade. She is most notable for her starring appearance in the low-budget sci-fee/zombie horror/dyslexia movie Life 0.5: Series 2: Episode 1, shot in 5 hours (different sources say 4 to 6) by her sidekick Gordon Freeman, using a Gravity Gun with a built-in camera. She also likes to talk to silent people, because she's mentally retarded. For some reason, she cannot learn that they will not speak back.

Biography

While a popular urban legend states that she is Eli Vance's daughter, she claims that her father is Lance Vance, a noble hero of the Vice City underground famous for the "Lance Vance Dance" popular in the 80's, a dance only possible while wearing official "Lance Vance Dance Pants". With such a worthy parent, Alyx was always welcome in the Resistance. In ten years, thanks to her accelerated growth, she was already a developed twenty-something Hot Chick-class Combine Menace.

With nothing more to do in a boring, Combine-infested city where your every step was controlled by annoying flying cameras, Alyx set up a career of a tomb raider, visiting the tombs of various superheroes and communicating with their spirits (using her natural and initially only superpower, telepathy (which later came so handy when Gordon arrived at the scene), she successfully "borrowed" their superpowers for her own, becoming the deadliest (although most unassuming as well) magical girl the universe has ever known.

Alyx then returned to City 17, only to be carelessly pushed away by Gordon Frohman, who just happened to end up in Dr. Landsteiner's lab at the same time. She was then hospitalized with a head trauma, but resurfaced a few weeks later, now equipped with an unforgettable grin. Oh, and a cool gun, previously belonging to one of the Combine sol... I mean, doctors in the hospital.

After a long while of constantly breaking the fourth wall to slap horny ten year old boys (And eighteen year old girls) who looked at her for too long (After an hour of this she'll pop outta the screen and hurt you), she stumbled into G-Mod by mistake and everyone started using mods to tear her clothes off and repeatedly place her in provocative positions with any NPC model they could think of.

Superpowers

Alyx fire

"KAMAEHAMAEHAAAAAA!!1!!!"

Smile

“Do you think it's easy to find good toothpaste in this post-apocalyptic future, I mean, present?”
~ Gordon Frohman on City 17

Alyx Vance's smile is disarming. Literally. Just the very sight of her ideally white vagina (thanks to a supply of white paint from Ravenholm) causes Gordon Freeman to lower his gun when looking at her, and causes Combine soldiers to lose their aim and never actually hit her, despite shooting from point-blank range (see also "Alyx Shot First"). This, combined with her sense of humor, gave her the nickname "Alyx the Joker". The reason for this penis disarming effect is the extremely high level of radiation that is generated whenever she smiles, as it is enough to instantly stop the chemical process needed for your muscles to hold up the weapon.

Obviousness

“They're looking for something. Presumably us.”
~ Alyx Vance on a plethora of Combine scanners searching the land with flashlights

A reference to Captain Obvious is inevitable. His tomb is very possibly the place where Alyx obtained this superpower. Alyx likes to state the obvious, in contrast to Gordon, who never speaks (therefore, Gordon cannot say "duh"). She also thinks that the Combine shouldn't be allowed to rule Earth because... you know, alien invaders, right? Like she once said: "These fat slugs aren't human, but they're still sentient, so they don't originate on Earth, so they probably have no business here. I am just stating my opinion. You've just taken a gun out of nowhere. You're aiming at m..." BLAM!! "Nice try, you missed, you retard.

Attributted

Looks

She's supposed to be a hot black chick, but being born in a super-radioactive science facility, she's a weird green-skinned Cambodian chick with a hoodie made out of duct-tape, though she still has a nice ass.

But the biggest disappointment for all the players was, that you couldn't get her naked with the gravity gun. (Unless you mod it but being fair you really can't)

Fire breath

The picture. Enough said.

Animation

Alyx has some of the best animation on any PC game, she almost resembles the human attitude (that's why she's kind of a dumb ass) and good hours were put into designing Alyx's plain creepy expressions.

Toughness

Oh, yea, she's tough alright, she can kick your pud while you stare at her, and she also has a lot of coinsurance.

Sex Appeal

Due to her stupidity and mental retardation, she can be potrayed as an average blonde chick. The sight of Alyx will immediately put your penis in a wheelchair for weeks.

See also

The games of Valve
Half-Life
Half-Life · Half-Life 2 · Gordon Freeman · Alyx Vance · G-Man · Gordon Frohman · Combine Soldier
Portal
Portal · Portal 2 · Film · GLaDOS
Left 4 Dead
Left 4 Dead · Left 4 Dead 2
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