Alton Towers

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Old Alton Towers rollercoaster

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Alton Towers.

Alton Towers is a giant forest full of angry farmers somewhere in the middle of England (though we are not sure where, possibly where every single horror film is set), built as far away as possible from easy major road access so as to cause maximum traffic congestion and inconvenience to the locals. Because it's in the crap countryside in God knows where you have to drive slowly, as to not disturb the angry northern English villagers and hill billies.

The park has eleven different car parks - this is to make it impossible to find your car, and prevent you from ever leaving until about 5 the next morning. After you have arrived, you must then take the monorail to the actual entrance. (The monorail may be closed, however, in snow, rain, ice, dinosaur invasion or for any other generic reason, in which case you will have to walk through said snow, rain, ice, or dinosaur invasion) From the entrance you can take a short (well quite long really) walk to the Skyride which will you take you (when it is not on fire) to a grand total of two more stops. From here there is also a train.

The park's promotional music is "In the Hall of the Mountain King" by Edvard Grieg. The park has no Hall, Mountain or King (although God (John Wardley) claims to be the King).

Alton Towers is the only theme park in the world where you are charged for breathing. Visitors are recommended to re-mortgage their home before even daring to enter. The park features a number of hyped up rides that either break down or rip you off in some diabolical way. Or give you so much paranoia that you don't sleep for three days straight

edit Rides

edit The Smiler

The Smiler is a social experiment disguised as a rollercoaster. Alton Tower's marketers theorised that if you pushed the limits of your visitor's patience (for example delaying the progress of construction by months because it snowed a bit), when the time comes to finally revealing whatever Secret Weapon/world first/twist/turn/novelty/gimmick you have "hidden" for the best part of two years, your visitors will no longer care (therefore dampening the disappointment they will inevitably feel). They not only successfully proved this to be the case, they also one upped themselves by making sure the ride broke down, dropped random "important looking" bits of metal on passers by seemingly out of nowhere, is out of operation every other day and finally severs the limbs of riders.

edit Galactica (Air thinly disguised as a new ride)

Galactica/Air starts with a climb to the top of the 20ft lift hill (they don't build above the trees because the local people in the local shops and local houses from that local village down the local road complained that the new road and new park had brought strangers into their local village) then it breaks down. It then goes into a helix, and breaks down. It also contains a barrel roll, after which the ride breaks down. At which point, you will probably have a break down. Cadburys Miniature Heroes sponsored the ride up until the point when they were bought out by Kraft. After this, the ride and Kraft both broke down. The ride was beginning to operate smoothly and queue times were at an all time low. The masters of the park deemed this an unprofitable system. They calculated that the income generated by leaving visitors in the queue for several hours in the pouring rain (every minute of every day in the UK) or scorching heat (happens once every five years in the UK) equated to on average fifteen billion pounds annually. This is due to the visitors resorting to buying drinks and snacks from the kiosks in the queue. One bottle of water alone is sold for £1999.99 per bottle. If you fancy a KitKat you better be Bill Gates because if you're not, you can't afford one. To solve the problem of queues no longer lasting seven hours, Alton Towers added VR headsets to the ride. This is simply to add another aspect to the ride that can malfunction and therefore extend queue times. It can also give riders severe motion sickness and leaving them to wonder why they even bothered.

edit Nemesis

Nemesis, or (That Rusting White Thing Next To H'Air)is a B&M suspended coaster. Like its younger sister it is no taller than 20ft due to the same Hill billies that complain about noise from the theme park ruining their Hill billy lives. The thing that establishes Nemesis from any other coaster is its gorgeous rivers, that have been filled with red wine in an attempt to get riders drunk before boarding and have em all killed as theyre too drunk to sort out their lap bar restraints teehee. That way they can leave the ride with vacant expressions saying things like "OMFG that was THE BEST FCXKING THING I HAVE EVER DONE!." Whilst under this influence, they will happily hand over £10+ for a rubbish on ride photograph/keyring/mug (yes that's you.) Nemesis is based on an alien crash landing in the middle of Alton Towers (as you would) and the alien keeps on fuelling you with alcohol until you become an illuminati scum bag. It is said that Nemesis appeals only to fanboys as most of the public tend to have fallen asleep on Air by the time it comes to riding That Rusting White Thing Next To H'Air.)

The ride is so popular with fanboys across the UK, that many have sexual fantasies involving the ride. You will notice the jizz of these fanboys on the tracks as you leave the station. Unfortunately, many people have been hit by trains and killed whilst trying to have sex with the ride. The staff put their bodies into storage and use them for theming in the Halloween mazes.

edit Nemesis: Sub-Terra

Essentially a condensed and lamer version of Thirteen. This is what happens when you ask Jack Osbourne to create a ride. This ride is a blow by blow recreation of Jack's brief encounter with Jimmy Savile.

Alton towers and F2000 103

Oblivion prepares to leave the station

edit Oblivion

Oblivion was (until Th13teen arrived on the scene) the world's first sort-of vertical-but-not-actually-vertical roller coaster, containing an eighty nine degree drop.[1] The ride takes you up a lift drops you, turns you and is over within a matter of .4 seconds, well worth the the 90-minute wait. The ride drops its riders into a pit full of smoke, killing any asthmatics on the ride, then into a banked turn emptying rider's pockets of any loose change or expensive electronic devices (all pit findings are sold on eBay) and then quickly giving everyone whiplash. Those who do make it off the ride then buy a medal saying so to annoy their friends who really don't care and just want them to shut up. Oblivion has a tendency to break down a lot so only gets about five riders a year. Oblivion is located near Enterprise and the Spinball Pinball Sonic Whizzer Spinnner Pizzy Thing.

edit Th13teen

Th13teen (also known as Thirteen, Th14teen, ThFAILteen or Ththirteenteen) is currently regarded as the greatest rollercoaster in the world. It is Alton Towers' new for 2010 rollercoaster, hyped up to be the world's scariest ride, complete with age and mental requirements, although these stupid restrictions turned out to be Morwenna Angove's marketing rubbish as the ride is really just a family rollercoaster with an indoor drop. Th13teen is said to be named after the number of people that actually enjoyed the ride.

In order to avoid 'extreme downturn of luck', every Friday 13th, the ride is renamed Fourteen and Camilla. What a perfect way to wreck the atmosphere, after you've spent ages trying to get cheap-o tickets on eBay just to ride Thirteen on Friday 13th!

Some freaky chick with blonde hair and scary makeup (no not Paris Hilton) walks around the ride singing a creepy arse lullaby to the chavdom tribe that have inhabited the ride. The said chick is actually just Tina from down t'road who is on minnimum wage like the rest of the staff.

Alton Towers have really gone out of their way to piss you off with this shit. The first drop looks immensly enjoyable, but is ruined by a trim break that basically stops the train from moving. At which point the said train (which has been made by paper mache cornflakes boxes) crawls around some waste land before entering what looks like an abandoned shed. We won't reveal what happens here (you drop about 20ft horizontally and then go "backods" for a bit) (this was not written by GMTV)

edit Ripsaw

Ripsaw (also known as R.I.Psaw and RIPsaw) spins its riders around whilst squirting liquids at them, in a similar fashion to Meatspin. The saw also rips people guts out.

edit Rita

To tie in with the caveman theming of Ug Land, Rita was designed to simulate a fast car rally. The "Queen Of Speed" status was revoked for the 2010 season after it was found that Rita was more manly that previously believed, as parents of many children were complaining that the ride was turning them into homosexuals, and is now "Roy, King Of Speed". Even before this the title was invalid as Thorpe Park's Stealth is faster anyway (although Stealth is shite and only lasts a measly 5 seconds). Rita is named after the little old sweet shop lady on Coronation Street.

edit Duel (The Haunted House Strikes Back)

A family friendly haunted (B&Q) house ride in which the kids shoot the ghosts, zombies, banshees etc. and the riders if they feel like it. They are taken on a guided tour by their buggy through a freak show of meaningless scenes including; a stone bust ripped straight out of art attack, a giant (prop from Blackpool Illuminations) head that opens blowing raspberries, armies of 4 or 5 feet tall legless (cheap plastic dummies) zombies with oversized shirts popping out from left to right, a (giant robot that has eight "things" poking out) "spider" that lowers her head at the riders, a sexy vampire babe with nice "upper regions (aka bewwwwbs)", a very green zombie with glowing teeth showing off his pecks (basically the Hulk) and many other strange scenes. Throughout the ride, if you want to play the game there are some lights known as LSDs in which if you shoot them, you'll either have a very bad trip of eaten by the zombies, clawed to death by the giant (robot with eight "things" poking out) spider, or you'll simply hallucinate having a higher score.

edit The Runaway Mine Train

A tame ride for kiddies most of the time but has fulfilled its name on a couple of occasions, breaking free from its tracks and claiming the second most casualties of any ride in the park: 20 injured, with six hospitalised; the first being Skyride. The Runaway Mine Train is located next to some Rapid ride and some trees.

edit Skyride


The Skyride of Death

The Skyride is widely considered to be the most scary ride in the park, as it contains no safety restraints and each car looms high above the sharp garden monuments below. In each car, there is a sound system that plays calming and relaxing music, designed to lull the rider into a false sense of security before your inevitable Final Destination style drop to your death. It also stops at points during the ride to allow disabled guests to board, and swings from side to side in an attempt to make the riders feel weightless. Guests are relieved that they have survived the ride, before being slowly hoisted into the usually burning station. Skyride averages about 100,000 deaths a year.

edit Twirling Toadstall

This ride was taken from some cheap kiddie's fairground in the equally cheap English county of Northamptonshire. John Wardley sneezed on it and it grew to new heights (almost like in the Rollercoaster Tycoon games). It mutated, and now aims to see how many people's shoes it can throw off into nearby bushes.[2]

edit Other Rides

  • Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - AKA Charlie and the bad LSD trip.
  • Spinball Pinball Sonic Whizzer Spinner Wizard - A ride that simulates what it is like to be absolutely off chops after downing those bottles of cheap red wine you found in your mum's garage. The ride has a Sonic the Hedgehog theme, complete with a life size cardboard cutout of Sonic outside (as included in the Gamers Monthly Magazine Issue 83). This is to appeal to children. The idea behind this being that kids as young as 6 in the UK are binge drinking. Alton Towers wanted a slice of that sweet pocket money pie the local offies were getting from the kids buying cheap booze, and so created this ride as a way to simulate being drunk but with the guarantee of no hangover. However, the ride never caught on with children as they would rather have a hangover than pay £60 a ticket to get into Alton Towers.
  • H(S)EX: The Legend of the Towers - A documentary about events that happened at the Towers before the Chavdom tribe swarmed the park. John Wardley got excited when he found a tree that was used by sex maniacs years ago, and decided to do a ride based on a Friday night out in Doncaster. The room spins round and round and a tree lights up. Originally called SEX, it was changed to HEX.

edit Alton Towers Hotels

To confuse guests, and to make it as difficult as possible for them to find their cars, Alton Towers have built eleven car parks all around the perimiter of the park. After taking roughly two hours to find your car, you find yourself so exhausted that you have to stay in the Alton Towers Hotel, and spend an extra day at the theme park, oh dear, what a shame. In fact, Merlin found that they were getting so many pissed off people booking into their hotels, that they had to build a new one, called Splash Landings. Splash landings is home to the park's large sewer, disguised as a water park. To prevent embarrassment, speedos and sexual intercourse have been banned from the resort. Not really, it's becuase they just love pissing people off!

edit Getting to Alton Towers

Getting to Alton is near fucking impossible as the park is built nowhere near the motorway network, completely isolated from the rest of the universe. It is said Alton Towers doesn't have a postcode or an address to piss off Sat-Nav users.

edit Notes

  1. It was only after the roller coaster was built that John Wardley realised his protractor was a bit off.
  2. Note: it's thought it has, of 2010, thrown off 250,000 pair of shoes.
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