Alternative medicine

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“I'll alternate YOUR medicine! Grrr!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Alternative Medicine


Alternative Medicine is a broad term describing those things which differ from actual medicine, which is hopelessly unhip and square. There are many fields of alternative medicine. None of them are quite as healthy as you putting the bong down and getting some fresh air and exercise, but what are the odds of that happening?

Fields of Alternative Medicine

Inacupuncture

An offshoot of acupuncture. It differs from it's parent discipline in that accupuncturists believe in lines of invisible force called chi which flow throughout the body. Inacupuncturists believe in jabbing people with sharp objects. Many people swear by this technique, saying that after people have finished jabbing them, the begin to feel much better. In recent years, some inacupuncturists have experimented with long distance inacupuncture, using high powered needle guns with telescopic sights. The results have been described as "disapointing".

Pros: Inexpensive, easy to learn, doubles as a sexual fetish, they won't be able to make a canoe out of you.
Cons: Hurts. A lot.

Extreme Colonic Irrigation

A relatively new field, most cases involve a funnel and a can of Mountain Dew. However, the most X-Treeme example of colonic irrigation to date involves Mr. Norris Jenkins of Plague Rat, IL, who diverted a tributary of the Mississippi through his rectum. This allows over four hundred thousands litres of water to pass through his large intestine annually.

Pros: Introducing sugary drinks into your body by means other than your mouth means that you won't rot your teeth.
Cons: Creepy.

Misogynocology

Easily the least popular and least well thought out branch of alternitive medicine, misogynocology was recently voted the Worst thing Since Sliced Aorta by the New England Journal of Medicine. Mysogynocology holds that the best sort of doctors for women's conditions are men with a deep seated hatred of and disdain for women. The field came to public prominence when the Nurses' Union placed a ban upon it's members working for members of the National Misogynocological Association until the NMA reversed it's policy on skin-tight latex nurses uniforms.

In other news, the NMA has had over fifty complaints of medical misconduct leveled against it. Since NMA members have treated a total of two patients, this is considered a record.

Pros: Might be good if you're a stock character from a Benny Hill sketch.
Cons: Tend to diagnose all of their patients as suffering from "being a dyke feminazi" regardless of actual condition.

Homopathy

Thus far a very small branch of alternative medicine, being practiced only by the doctors on Queer Eye for the Terminally Ill. The doctors in question have yet to publish, but it seems that their theories revolve around visiting patients in cancer hospices and insulting their bedclothes. They then throw out the cheap flowers bought by friends and loved ones, and replace them with tasteful but horribly expensive bouquets.

Pros: Well, those slippers have got to go.
Cons: Set gay rights movement back ten years.

Chéropractice

Originating in Cuba, Chéropractice is based upon the belief in the healing power of Che Guevara. Patients don their Che t-shirts and adopt a smug expression in order to bring Che's healing powers unto themselves. Thrice per day, they must face towards Havana and pray, 'There is no Revolution but THE Revolution, and Che is the Prophet of the Revolution.' They may then help themselves to an espresso.

Pros: Helps when trying to pick up sociology students.
Cons: Doesn't seem to be able to cure the compulsion to sell socialist newspapers.

Psychopathy

This technique works on the principle of psychosomatic wellness. This notion is derived from the phenomonon of psychosomatic illness, in which a healthy patient imagines himself to suffer from a disease and consequently develops the symptoms. Psychopathy attempts to relieve symptoms by inducing a delusional state of wellbeing. Insert George W. Bush joke here, if you must.

Pros: There's no place like home! There's no place like home!
Cons: There are no cons.

Faith No More Healing

Basically, you listen to Faith No More albums until you start to feel better. This process can take anything up to twenty-seven years.


Pros: We care a lot.
Cons: You want it all, but you can't have it.

Rebirthing

Rebirthing or being born again recognises the trauma of birth but thinks a second go might help. It is very popular in America and George W. Bush claims he is born again which few doubt when they see the clearly haggard and traumatized Barbara Bush.

Pros: Few - but it gives an excuse to wear nappies, if you want an excuse.
Cons: Convincing your mother is going to take some time.

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