Alternative Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Alternative Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous is a forthcoming syndicated television series scheduled to premiere this fall, featuring the incomparable, incommensurable, and now ailing and incomprehensible Robin Leech.
The show features the unusual and unknown lifestyles of entertainers, athletes, business personalities, and other wealthy and successful individuals that you're completely fascinated to learn more about, despite the fact that their very existence underlines the complete worthlessness of your own with bright yellow highlighting pen. However, in this new reincarnation of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous it is hoped that you will find some solace in knowing that your golden idol secretly engages in roleplay in her furry fursona, works in his garage where he's converting his car to run on his own poop, or is using biofeedback to practice simulating a death-like state, in order to avoid a lengthy prison sentence for tax-evasion. Then, there's that guy who's overseeing the construction of a new window in his 17,000 square foot mansion, comprised solely of Mason jars filled with stuff that he collects, and that you'd really rather not know the contents of, no matter how much you insist you really do. No... no... Absolutely can't do it. Sorry! Because, honestly, it's really just too... What? How much? Well... okay. Maybe as a Pay-Per-View or a Direct-to-Video release. Our legal department will be in touch.
Alternative Lifestyles was envisioned as a what industry spokespersons describe as a "revenue stream replacement mechanism" for the franchise. In layspeak this means that the show's producers were tired out living in their cars, showering at their health club, and eating partially-dried pâté de foie gras and spoiled cassoulet from the dumpsters of only the finest five star restaurants, after their litigation against the producers of MTV's Cribs and VH1's The Fabulous Life Of was thrown out of court with prejudice.
In updating the show's look and feel to be competitive with trash TV of the new millennium, a panel of critics was consulted. Palms were greased, prospective episodes were screened, and comments were tallied. In the words of one producer:
|Feedback about the initial edits gave us real concern, particularly descriptors like 'compelling storytelling' and 'engrossing drama'. These are a death sentence to popular entertainment. I mean really — even A&E isn't Arts & Entertainment anymore. So we made substantial changes to the script, re-filmed certain segments, and hired some fresh editors out of first year film school. And once we started hearing stuff like 'puerile, vacuous tripe' and seeing rolled up popcorn bags being lobbed angrily at the screen — Bam! — we knew we'd nailed it.|
|1||Marilyn Manson: Crochet My Way||Manson invites viewers into his inner sanctum on a tour of his recent works including a pair of baby socks, a swaddling blanket, an executioner's mask, and a freestanding, fully-machine washable reproduction of an Egyptian sarcophagus that he sleeps in at night. Later, he demonstrates slipknots, slip stitching, and chains; explains how crochet is a natural, logical extension of the BDSM lifestyle; and illustrates why knitting is for neo-fascists and self-obsessed capitalist fiends. On this ominous note, Manson allows viewers a first look at his current project, a new toupee for Donald Trump.|
|2||Claudia Schiffer: I've Got Bugs||Follow German supermodel Claudia Schiffer as she prances through green fields and lush forests in search of creepy crawlies. Listen with rapt attention as she details her hippie nomad upbringing on her parents housetruck, as they followed really awful bands you've never heard of, in search of really good pot. Finally, practice your anti-gag reflex and deep breathing exercises while she snuffs everything from pretty butterflies to king cockroaches in her monogrammed killing jar. Stick 'em with a pin; frame 'em on the wall; that's a wrap everyone!|
|3||Ed Begley, Jr.: Gardening with Ed||You are cordially invited to join actor, environmentalist, and consummate nice-guy Ed Begley, Jr. on an expedition of guerrilla gardening! Watch as he scales his sexy sexagenarian body over the stone, wrought iron and chicken wire of Gene Simmons' backyard to provide a much needed makeover. In only 37 broadcast minutes, see the landscape of empty and endless sterile green blossom with Candytufts and Hyacinths, Magnolias and Pansies — with not a Pussy Willow to be found! Then stay tuned for the dramatic conclusion where Ed must beat a hasty retreat up the security gate as Gene hurtles a barrage of vintage KISS gear, including his beloved Axe Bass.|
|4||Steve Vai: Hey Honey||Guitarist Steve Vai lures viewers into that whole tree - earth - love - connectedness thing with an introduction to beekeeping. Scratch your head in disbelief as he describes how different flavours of honey are produced, determined by the various music he plays. Witness him produce a pint of extra zingy to the tune of Rimsky-Korsakov's "Flight of the Bumblebee", then learn why anything by Stryper produces the sweetness you'd expect, but, like the music itself, is ultimately crap not worth buying.|
|5||Ed Begley, Jr.: The Return of Ed||This episode continues shortly after the events of episode 3. We find Ed in a walk-in clinic with his shorts at half-mast, having splinters removed from his hindquarters after being spiked by a badly splintered bass guitar. Ed, retaining his characteristic cheer, pledges to help Gene anyway, whether he realizes he needs help or not. After nightfall, Ed breaks into Gene's garage with some parts borrowed from a Toyota Prius. In only 37 broadcast minutes, see Gene's HUMMER H1 Custom converted to a jalopy running on vegetable oil and sunlight. Then stay tuned for the dramatic conclusion where Ed must beat a hasty retreat up the security gate as Gene hurtles a barrage of exotic weaponry, including his a scimitar, a morning star, and a Rabbit (which was apparently stuffed into the wrong cabinet by Mrs. Gene Simmons. Hopefully.).|