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Today's Least Interesting Article

Today's Featured Article - Lana Del Rey

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Lana Del Rey (species: cantante melancholica) is an American singer, songwriter, and model, whose brand of melancholy has become an anthem of sorts to millions of effeminate men who dote on the songstress though none of them would ever ask her out on a date. Lana defeated Beyonce and Marina and the Diamonds for that honor, winning a fistfight on the grounds of Coachella in 2012. Her song Video Games spread quickly over the Internet among emotional teenagers and melodramatic gamers.

She has caused spikes in flower sales in cities that she performs in. During one of her shows, the lawn seats were covered with over 30,000 flowers after a performance, which surely owes to more than just the patrons' restless legs syndrome.

Lana Del Rey also influenced the 2015 Obergefell v. Hodges decision after releasing This is What Makes Us Gays, a song celebrating gender activism a few years earlier. Justice Anthony Kennedy said he was inspired by the song and gave her a "shout-out" in his majority opinion. Late Justice Potter Stewart emerged from the crypt to write a concurring opinion, stating, "I can't describe it but I know solid gold when I hear it!!!"

Her first album under her stage name Lana Del Rey, Born to Die, was released in January of 2012 and it received mixed reviews. Rolling Stoners called it "more fun than lung cancer", while more critical reviews called it "sad in an unintended way" and "worse than Smurfs 2". Later that year, Lana Del Rey released the Paradise EP along with her short film Tropico. The film unironically casted actors to play the parts of Jesus, Elvis Presley, and Marilyn Monroe in the opening scene, which perfectly predicted the quality of the whole film. 2014 saw the release of Ultraviolence and Lana's attempt to be taken seriously among songs such as "Saddest Girl" and "Sucked My Way Up to the Top". (more...)

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The future

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July 24: Pioneer Day (Utah), Polygamy Week Begins (Also Utah)

  • 1132 - Battle of Nocera between Ranulf II of Alife and Roger II of Sicily takes place in Italy. Ranulf's fettucine narrowly bests Roger's linguine, and Italy adopts fettucine as the National Stereotypical Food.
  • 1487: Citizens of Leeuwarden, Netherlands, unsatisfied with watered-down domestics, rebel against a ban on foreign beer.
  • 1947 - Brigham Young and all his merry wives arrive in Utah to establish Mormonism, and in doing so guaranteed that even the ugliest son of a bitch (pictured) can have multiple mates.
  • 1983 - Hacker Richard M. Stallman launches the GNU project, an effort to protect the endangered gnu, a buffalo-like animal, from extinction using mainly open-source code.
  • 2000 - While on the Presidential campaign trail, George W. Bush reads a helpful guide to living lifethat helps him on his way to the Oval Office.
  • 2008 - The Dark Knight is released, becoming an instant box-office smash hit, and reaching the all-time pinnacle for film for all history.
  • 2009 - I like the fact that you're reading the anniversaries right now. I really, really do.

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