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Contents

Today's Least Interesting Article

Today's Featured Article - Thunderstorm of 1976

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The Thunderstorm of 1976 was the largest torrential downpour of precipitation I have ever witnessed in my life.

I also kicked its ass.

It lasted approximately four hours over Kansas City, Missouri. It was determined to flood the entire Midwest and drown every carbon-based lifeform within Kansas City, and it would have done exactly that if not for my efforts to utterly destroy it.

Oh God, where do I even start. Well, I was sitting at home watching the Royals/Yankees game with Ernesto, our home's gardener. All of a sudden, from outside, I hear, "FFFFFAFFFGHGHGHGAAAFFAAANG'HNNNNGAIUSJULIUSCEASAR NNNNN AAAAAAA ANNNAANAAAAA" Having an experienced ear, I knew it was the sound of fat water droplets descending from the sky and landing upon my roof (also, someone saying "Julius Caesar"). I quickly changed stations to the local news. They were warning everyone to stay inside.

Right about this time my wife walked in. She shouts, "Oh Jon, you big, sexy, well-endowed epitome of man! What are we going to do?!" I simply looked at her, giving her that look of, "Shut up woman, get on my horse." (more...)

Yesterday's Featured Article - UnNews:Surprise winner of Masters Golf Tournament cries "Ow!"

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Augusta, GEORGIA - The world is fast beating a path to the door of little 6-year-old Charlize Niacin, who came from ten strokes behind in the final round to win the 76th Masters Golf Tournament.

With the tournament seemingly out-of-reach of the young girl - who the Augusta National Golf Club invited to play to placate protest groups clamoring for women and children to participate in the traditionally male-only adult-dominated event - Chalize started to use her driver like a croquet mallet and began slamming the ball down the fairway in a frightening display of power and child's play.

"Unbelievable, unbelievable, it's throw me under a bus and step on the gas unbelievable," cried commentator Jim Nantz, "I've never seen anything like this in my life and I've seen women raped by alligators. Unbelievable!"

"These new drivers are so big," Charlize explained after shooting a record 59 in the final round, "that all you have to do is point them at something, close your eyes, make a wish, and then Bam! Do you want to see my horsey?" (more...)

If you vote for your favorite articles to be featured, we will kill you.

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The future

May 22: Sit Around and Watch Old Movies Day

  • 100000 B.C. - First May 22 recorded by Che Guevara
  • 1888 - Start your own Reich day, in Germany
  • 1936 - Joseph Stalin enters tye dye phase. It lasts one day.
  • 1976 - The death toll from an accident at yesterday's Annual Fart Lighting Festival in Natchez, Mississippi rises to 103.
  • 1984 - (10:00 am) Soviet Forces invade Colorado, US lets them because nobody cares about Colorado.
  • 1984 - (10:05 am) Soviet Forces return Colorado to American control and retreats after realizing there's nothing in Colorado. Again nobody cares.
  • 1999 - First AOL cd sent back in time.
  • 2001 - Clustered Bonbons in a freezer briefly develop sentience, first thing they see is Gigli, commit suicide.
  • 2007 - Emeril Lagasi gives up on cooking, decides to become demolition expert.
  • 2011 - Life continues as if it didn't just end the day before.
  • 2034 - Walt Disney utters anti semetic remark in his grave.
  • 3026 - Che Guevara finds the All Spark and brags to all the decepticons. The decepticons later shred him.

More predictions

In the olds


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More Historical Events at UnHistory History


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Deleter and Dino of the Day

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The dancing banana Shabidoo stepped up to the plate and joined all the other fruits to be honoured with Writer of the Month in April. He is the author of works like HowTo:Make Breakfast Dew (For Women), Ozone, Nothing is permanent and Mahjong. Shabido is a keen collaborator with others and an organiser of events, so perhaps we can see a future career path for this particular Uncyclopedian. Shabido is also a regular contributor to 'my two cents worth' style of forums (in a good way) and has yet to swap unbridled enthusiasm for world weary cynicism that is a mark of some of the veteran contributors to this site. Shine on Shabidoo until that banana stops dancing to the music of time...(as isn't it time you got off that computer and come and talk to the rest of your family?).

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No longer is this 'Noob of the Month' but 'Noob of the Moment. We all have our moments, certainly in our later years. This April three Noobs are honoured. Now that there is no time limit on 'noobery', these three have been honoured this month.

First to get our notice was XDshempXD, a self described Mexican enduring life in the USA. What's more, XDShempXD is a woman, yes to all you short trousered wearers and code kiddies, a girl has come to your party! So behave now and wash your faces more often. XDshempXD (can we call you Shempy??) has been here since the middle of 2011 and has brought with her stories with a more more Latin American flavour. So now we have articles like UnBooks:Sexually suggestive songs by Roberto Carlos which confused me as I thought it was about an ex-Brazilian football player but is indeed someone closer to home for her. Our second Noob of the Moment is Alpha Quintesson. He has gravitated to what I like to call the 'sharp end' of Uncyclopedia, rooting out and alerting the dinosaur speedy admins here about some nasty little vandals trying to upset the organised, efficient work processes here. I hope he can also find time to write a bit more as well. Finally there is Mockingbird ST. What the ST stands remains a mystery... or no one has asked him as yet (probably the latter). It's a great user name all the same though perhaps some people may want to kill him for literary title reasons. I hope not, otherwise we would not have articles like Counting to potato to consider.


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Like receiving a carriage clock, a ticket to the ballet or a new set of teeth, the monthly award for general all round usefulness is a recognition that this user is now reaching a pinnacle... or is that a Pinocchio of achievement. In April the community voted in favour of Funnybony. For those who don't know 'FB', he has been one of this site's most prolific of authors. His user page is almost groaning under the weight of his many works but something isn't so well known, FB is one of the most generous, and genuine guys here. FB likes to talk, work with other people and even if you don't vote in favour of one his works, FB remains a model of politeness. He is also a friend of Jeff Beck and was really there in the 1960s when music became the cultural phenomena of that decade. Funnybony doesn't need to be here, he could be sitting on a verandah drinking or meditating or both but instead he likes to write for fun. Uncyclopedia has certainly benefitted from his output. What more can I, or we, say about that. Now... Funnybony, do really want that clock...?



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