Alternate universe

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Redirected from Alternate Universe
Jump to: navigation, search

Goodbye from Uncyclopedia, the content-filled encyclopedia that nobody can edit.

God has inspired us to demolish 31,612 articles in anticipation of the imminent apocalypse.


Please take care not to read the Expert's Guide or browse the Small Five.


Today's Least Interesting Article

Today's Featured Article -

Recently featured: Costa Coffee

Yesterday's Featured Article - Costa Coffee

CostaTwins

Costa Coffee is a multinational coffee-house chain that operates over seven million coffee shops across 127 countries. Costa Coffee is famed for its motto, "A coffee for every mile," and rather less for its coffee. Costa Coffee's business strategy is to have a Costa Coffee shop "within view from anywhere in the UK."

The Costa Coffee website provides an insight into its history: After reading an article about dwindling coffee shops in London, twins Mildred and Mortimer Costa seized the business opportunity to start a coffee brand and began importing raw coffee from Peru. Their practice was simple; order one tonne of coffee per month, extract the coffee seeds from the fruit by hand and then roast it in their mother’s kitchen oven. Less than two years after importing their first tonne of coffee, the stump-fingered Costa twins founded ’’Costa’s Roasted Seeds’’ in London in 1971. After three years of roasting, the Costas finally managed to accrue enough money to open their first coffee shop in central London. Costa Coffee™ as we know it was born. Its doors opened in August 1974 and was an immediate success. By 1983 it had expanded its franchise to 35 other locations across London’s suburbs and had established its now-famous branding.

To dominate the burgeoning UK coffee market, Costa Coffee developed an ambitious business strategy in 2009, setting itself near-impossible targets to meet by 2025. Its primary goal is to open as many stores as it can over the next 20 years. Like a viral outbreak, it has spread across the UK and infected many major business and retail outlets.

Costa Coffee can be purchased from inside petrol stations, public toilets, super-markets, WH Smiths, Homebase, public toilets, high schools, national embassies, petrol stations, independent cobblers, and public toilets. Sub-units operate in a variety of different locations around the country including public toilets, international airports, bus stops, train stations, social khazis, and public toilets. Many of Costa’s smaller franchises rely on the Costa Insta-Machine, a self-service device found frequently in communal shitters.(more...)

If you vote for your favorite articles to be featured, we will kill you.

More of the worst of Uncyclopedia


The future

Person nerd2

July 27: StarCraft Day (Korea), Nerdery Day (Internetopia)

  • 7 BC - First computer created, using a yard of string, a goat, and three partially eaten kidney beans.
  • 6 BC - The first computer nerd (pictured) fixes a goat/bean compatibility issue on a local goatherd's new computer.
  • 3 BC - A computer nerd/farmer has sex with his goat causing string problems and generating large amounts of upchucked kidney beans, thus creating the first computer virus.
  • 0 BC - A child runs through a field and trips over a string where a vast network of stringed goats are being held. The chain reaction sets off an epidemic of bean-upchucking and goat-kicking that doesn't end until the goats are re-neutered and restringed.
  • 500 - A woman proposes the use of thin strips of silicon to faciliate the use of micro-circuitry, halving computer sizes and doubling their speed. The woman is stoned to death then given a medal after being credited with the discovery of the breast implant. Male suicide rates halved.
  • 666 - Steve Jobs trades his soul to Satan for StarCraft, the first game capable of running on goats tied together with string. He goes on to invent Blizzard.
  • 1000 - The Y1K Bug destroys computers, causing the human race to be enslaved by toasters. Later someone pulls the plug on the toasters and the humans are freed.
  • 1866 - Cyrus Field successfully completes the Atlantic Cable, thus allowing for the largest single transfer of internet porn in history.
  • 1914 - British troops invade the streets of Dublin and demand free wifi.
  • 1979 - Actor Penis Van Lesbian changes his name to the more acceptable Dick Van Dyke.
  • 2003 - English tribute band Two Humps is formed in Nottinghamfordshire-upon-Kent, Surrey, England.
  • 2007 - The finincially ailing Area 51 is forced to open its doors to the public in order to avoid bankruptcy.
  • 2010 - StarCraft II is released to the public. Koreans everywhere rejoice.
  • 2011 - Blizzard denies allegations that a third installment, StarCraft III, is under development. Koreans everywhere grieve.
  • 2036 - StarCraft III is officially confirmed by Blizzard. Koreans everywhere rejoice.
  • 2057 - The Japanese discover how to manufacture immortality out of panties and meth, and subsequently sell it from vending machines. Koreans steal the formula and take over the world.
  • 2135 - StarCraft III is released. Walmart regains control of the world because Koreans are too busy playing it.

More predictions

In the olds

Bananasgreen.jpg

Second Front Pages: BrexitHillary!TrumpUK 2015 electionGreece


More Historical Events at UnHistory History


You shouldn't know...

For Uncyclopedia's favorite candy:

  • ...that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"


Eet Mor Chikin

Uncyclopedia's sista projects

Uncyclopedia is hosted by the Uncyclomedia Foundation, a non-profitable organization that also hosts a range of other projects.
UnNews Logo Potato (No text) UnNews
The news source on crack
Uncyclopedia Puzzle Potato Notext Uncyclopedia
The content-free encyclopedia
Undictionary Logo Text Undictionary
The ick!tionary of all things best left unsaid
UnTunes2 UnTunes
Where noisy things can live and prosper
Game-Logo notext Games
Another way to waste time
Gorillatrans HowTo
Instructions and guides for anything and everything
Unbooks-logo notext UnBooks
Content-free books
Unquotable-logo-en vector notext Unquotable
Useless misquotes galore
Uncycloversity-logo-notext Uncycloversity
If it makes sense, we don't want it
UnPoetialogo UnPoetia
Poetry for people who hate poetry
Undebate logo UnDebate
Debating all the irrelevant issues
UnScripts UnScripts
We can ruin stage and film too
Why Why?
Don't make me explain it to you twice
UnReviewsLogo UnReviews
We'll tell you why things suck
Uncyclomedia Commons notext UnCommons
Broken media repository


Uncyclopedia Languages

This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 31,612 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
Uncyclopedia Puzzle Potato Notext
Uncyclopedia
English
United Kingdom
W17x11 30557
Desciclopédia
Português
Brazil
45286
アンサイクロペディア
日本語
Japan
18180
Nonsensopedia
Polski
Poland
W17x11 16666
Nonciclopedia
Italiano
Italy
W17x11 13518
Wiki it
1dÉ
Désencyclopédie
Français
France
W17x11 8364
Inciclopedia
Español
Spain
W17x11 10392
偽基百科
正體中文
Taiwan
5720
Uncyclopedia.de
Deutsch
Germany
W17x11 Unknown
Hikipedia
Suomi
Finland
7614
Hikipedia
Pagecount statistics listed above were updated on September 3, 2014.
If you find Uncyclopedia or its sista projects amusing, please consider making a donation to help the victims of the War on Terra:

For completely unrelated IRC chat, you may try killing yourself.

Under attack by the Unfair Use Clause, and a squad of magical girls.

Main Page
Personal tools
projects