HowTo:Be a Douchebag
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Hey man, you wanna score some weed? Of course you do. You're trying to be a douchebag. Instead of curing cancer or rescuing puppies you've decided to become a master of the art of douchebaggery. Now, you should know, the path you have chosen isn't an easy one. . . just kidding. All you really need to do is lay on your couch, mooch off of your roommate, and watch reruns of Pimp My Ride for more than 90 minutes straight. But do you want to do the job half-assed? Of course you do. Damn, you're quick. Fine, go watch TV. Hopefully the rap star host will hit you in the head with a tire iron or something.
What? You're still here? You've seen that episode seven times already, you say. Big surprise. Anyway, if you want to go above and beyond normal levels of douche, simply follow these easy to follow instructions that follow. Following that, you may well be on your way to securing yourself a hideous washed-up pop star girlfriend yourself.
Step One: Attire
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A new wardrobe is essential. 'New' does not mean 'new clothes', it means 'clothes you might not own right now'. Clothing from thrift stores or stolen from the homeless is ideal. Avoid sleeves whenever possible. Also acceptable would be a collared shirt, usually, with the collar obviously as popped as it will get. Wearing multiple collared shirts, with multiple popped collars simultaneously will get you instantly recognized as well on your way to brass-plated douchebagdom.
Undergarments being plainly visible is a requirement. You will need a baseball cap, but if you currently own one you will most likely need to go get a brand new one, as the visor must have zero total curvature. You're going to want to look into getting a few garish tattoos; focus on Asian characters that mean things like "courage" because the tattoo artist is likely to hate you and give you the character for "hermaphrodite" without you ever figuring it out.
Accessories can be crucial. Wear a pair of sunglasses at all times, even when inside, while sleeping, and at night. Especially at night. Pick up some cheap jewelry, such as a few thick rope-looking chains. These chains can be made of plastic, rubber, macaroni or actual rope spray-painted silver or gold. A nice touch is to have a large chunk of plastic fashioned into a word dangling from one or more of these chains. Popular words for this form of self-expression include 'gangsta' and 'playa' (It is unclear why the Spanish word for beach is used in this capacity). If you cannot afford such a chunk of plastic, simply steal the hood ornament off your neighbor's Benz. It is also helpful to own a Hummer with matching blutooth headphones. Be sure to wear them everyday everywhere, especially at public places with enough people to be fully noticed.
Step Two: Hygiene
Now that you look the part, it's time to activate those other senses. To become a full-fledged douchebag, you really shouldn't shower more than once a week. In fact, it is common douchebag practice to not even own things like soap and towels, but to mooch them off of your roommate (bonus points for jacking off into the towels). Shaving is severely frowned upon, yet a full beard reduces douchebagginess. Try to go for for that three-day growth look. Ideal appearance is that of the hungover dude who just woke up. If you're too broke to afford beer right now, simply looking like you've been drinking is easy enough. Just have some eyedrops ready (any kind really, they're all 100% safe) to make your eyes appear bloodshot.
Your hair should not look nice in any sense of the word. You should actually strive for a longish, greasy, matted together clump of dark hair. There is some leeway here, since no matter what your hair looks like when you wake up, you can easily do something to it to piss off anyone who looks at you all day long. Examples would include the arrogant little flip off of the front, which can be accomplished with a curling iron (preferable a "borrowed" one), or hair covering at least one eye. Criticism of others' hygiene (when it is clearly superior to your own) is encouraged.
Step Three: Employment
Under no circumstances should you have a well-paid job, nor should you work hard at a low-paying job. You should really try for something like 'slack off all day at McDonald's while stealing food and making out with the manager's 17-year-old sister.' When people ask you why you're not getting any work done, reply with something like 'I'm on break', especially if you don't get breaks. If you land a shitty job in an office or otherwise quiet setting where people need to concentrate be sure to make lots of noise and cause distractions often. Good techniques include chewing gum with your mouth open and constantly hitting on the receptionist. Steal anything that's not firmly secured to a wall or the floor. If it's too heavy to steal (golf cart, etc.), simply break it.
Always blame any misconduct on a co-worker, mainly that guy who definitely won't rat you out because he thinks you're his buddy. Take lunch breaks that get longer by ten minutes every day until someone notices. Find a nice quiet place to get some sleep in the middle of the day, such as a storage room that you only put a couch in 'until things work out'. If you're a pizza delivery guy for a place that promises free pizza if not delivered in 30 minutes, deliver each order in exactly 29 minutes, 59 seconds, 999 miliseconds. When working somewhere with lines (sub shop, DMV) slow the line down by asking and repeating unnecessary questions. If you've held a job for more than four months without getting fired, consider taking drastic measures, such as picking a fight with a much weaker co-worker. When you do finally lose your job, there's absolutely no rush to find another one for at least a few weeks.
Step Four: Attitude
Basically, you should think you're better than everyone else, especially those you may have gone to High School with and who now lead successful lives. Those people are gay. You, on the other hand, are absolutely coasting through life. Why shouldn't you think you're better than these people? You must constantly have a stupid-ass grin on your face; however, this does not translate into always being happy. You should practice being in the mindset where you suffer delusions that every woman that lays eyes on you wants to sleep with you. This allows for easier contact with said women. When they fend off your advances, call them sluts and move on to the next group.
Hitting on women when they are clearly with their boyfriends is a must. When the boyfriend gets defensive, act like you were just complimenting the lady on her earrings instead of telling her to lose the zero and meet you in the alley behind the bar in five minutes. After he punches you in the throat, go out to the alley just in case, because girls love a douchebag. When addressing males, the term 'bro' should be the only word in your vocabulary. Manipulations of this (brodukes, broseph) are encouraged. When responding to a query in the affirmative, use the term 'yeadude' until people don't even bother asking you questions unless they're sure the answer is no.
To top it off, you pick on a retarded kid, telling them that they have "no fellowship with any one". (In douchebag lingo, it's stated,"My dick has more friends than you ever will.") If that doesn't get them down, a friendly tease might do the trick.
Step Five: Pulling It All Together
You're almost there! Here's a few tips concerning putting the finishing touches on your persona: Listen to The Dave Matthews Band. A lot. Borrow money from your friends and family with no intention of ever paying it back. Smoke weed all hours of the day and night, especially if your roommate doesn't smoke, and especially if he doesn't approve. Talk on your cellphone in public, extremely loudly. Laugh excessively and use foul language while doing this. When it comes time for a college decision, attend Boston College; you'll fit right in. Treat your friends' girlfriends as if they just threw a vat of sulfuruc acid onto your puppy. Better yet, treat them like they just threw away a month's supply of your weed. At all possible opportunities, break out your acoustic guitar, because everyone really would like you to play it.
Congratulations! If you followed even 5% of the above instructions, you are now a total douchebag! Now when you wake up tomorrow at three in the afternoon and roll off of the couch the answer to the question 'am I a douchebag yet?' will be a resounding 'yeadude!' You should celebrate by buying beer for those teenagers who always hang out in front of the liquor store. Follow this up by spending a full day at the local mall without making a single purchase. Now you've got the hang of it! You should know that it's all downhill from here, and that means both that A) your life as a full-fledged douchebag will be considerably easier than your life previous to becoming a douchebag, and B) fifteen years from now you will be able to pinpoint the moment you read this article as the exact point your life began its tailspin into oblivion, culminating with an arrest for charges of drunkenly exposing yourself to a Denny's waitress.
- ↑ Despite what your douchebag roommate says, "footnotes" are not notes written on one's own feet.