Irken Empire
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“darn the Irken Empire!”
~ Don Knotts on The Irken Empire
| |
| Irk | |
|---|---|
| Capital City | Lalaland |
| Terrain | Factories, machinery and space ports |
| Region | FART Galaxy |
| Sector | 23 |
| System | Bith |
| Suns | Most Likely one at least. |
| Moons | 900000000000000000000000000 |
| Native Species | Irkens,Wookies |
| Other Species | Various Robots Farticus |
| Population | estimated to be anywhere from 90 billion to 300 kajillion. The exact figure is unkown. |
| Official Language | fart |
| Primary Terrain | Machinery |
| Major Cities | Lalaland,Mcdonalds and relishland |
| Points of Interest | Space Port and Relishland`s themepark |
| Affiliation | Bounty hunter |
| Population Density | 900x larger than that of Japan. |
| Major Imports | Conquered planets,Burger king |
| Major Exports | Weapons Ships,Burgers |
Irk, a planet in the Fart Galaxy, just north of Rigel 7, is home to a species of aliens known as the Irkens. Irkens are a somewhat small alien species with sensitive green skin, well-developed brains, and itchy trigger fingers. They have come to be known as many things including "Galactic Terrorists", "Scourge of the Galaxy", "Irken Mafia", "Dick Cheney Worshippers", "Alien Roach Farm", "The Green Communists", "Oppressors", "Ultra Right-Wing Bantha Fodder", "Republican Scum", and "Moronic Aliens Who Think That Watching Dubya Make An Ass Of Himself On National Television Is More Entertaining Than Watching SNL". Despite the negative press from the rest of the the galaxy, the Irkens have become well-established throughout the galaxy, from opening fast-food restaurants like Galaxy Burger to conquering various planets and enslaving the planet's inhabitants for the fun of it (their exact motive for conquering various planets left and right is to this day, unknown). Although the Irkens have a home planet, they prefer to operate from their star fleet that orbits whatever planet they plan to conquer. Their major operations take place in an Irken capital ship called The Massive, which hides a vast array of weapons, salty snacks, doughnuts, and whatnot. The Irken Empire has a rather odd way of functioning and every Irken has a job to do in order for the empire's plans for galactic domination to take place.
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[edit] Irkens
Irkithiniousus domminatious(Irkens) are small green aliens from the planet Irk. These curious creatures have an unhealthy obsession with taking over the galaxy(s) and enslaving the inhabitants of other worlds forcing them to do their bidding. This alien species first appeared during the Jurrasic Period(earth time), and it wasn't until the year 1920 that they became civilized.
[edit] Evolution
Irkens are believed, by many paranormal investigators, biologists, and cryptozoologists to be descendants of a now extinct water dwelling tadpole-like creature known as Irkilitus Flotas that is thought to have first appeared on the planet irk millions of years ago(earth time). You Found a secret!
[edit] Biology
Irkens currently have an odd way of reproducing. They are apparently cloned by a large machine, programmed with a desire to conquer other worlds, and given an irken survival backpack. It is believed though, that before Irk's "Techno Revolution", during the time that the irkens were still evolving, that they reproduced asexually, although it is possible that they still, despite asexual reproduction, dated. However, it is possible that Irkens can reproduce sexually, because Zim did have a child with a goth/emo girl. however, the resulting Spawn was actually a hybrid of humans and irkens. You Found a secret!
[edit] Gender
Irkens can be either male or female. Although both male and female Irkens look very similar, there are several key factors that tell them apart.
- Male Irkens have fairly straight antennae with only one kink while the antennae of females tend to kink into a square (ignore picture).
- Female Irkens have small eyelashes while males do not.
- More female Irkens are known to have the semi-rare purple eyes than males. However, only males have been seen with the ultra-rare green eyes.
- Male Irkens are known to be more aggressive, while females are better at "keeping their cool".
- Female Irkens tend to be more strategic and have a better attention span.
- Males have a penis (not proven. Could just be a taco. Mmmmmhhh, tacos).
- Some female Irkens (Invader Tak) have the ability to defy logic by being insanely hot while having a flat chest.
[edit] Historical Days
There are some days that major Irken military action took place and these are considered sacred to the Irken Empire. The only problem is that most of these historical days were ruined by Invader Zim. They include:
- Operation:Impending Doom 1 (screwed up by Zim)
- Operation:Impending Doom 2 (screwed up by Nickelodeon)
- Operation:"Allen Parsons Project"
- Operation:"Death-Ray"
- Operation:"Death Star"
- Operation:"Lazer"
- PREPARATION A
- PREPARATION B
- PREPARATION C
- PREPARATION D
- PREPARATION E
- PREPARATION F
- PREPARATION G
- PREPARATION
[edit] Enemies
Powerful as it is, the Irken Empire is not without its enemies. Other powerful interstellar entities, such as the Neosapien Commonwealth, the Gordanians, and the Covenant routinely challenge the Irkens for galactic supremacy. Border clashes and all-out battles are frequent, especially in the mysterious frontiers of Unknown Space, where there are many newly-discovered planets up for grabs. In spite of their less-than-competent leadership, the Irken Empire does a good enough job of fighting off the other factions to keep the status quo; in fact, unbeknownst to the general public, the government actually encourages fighting an eternal war against the other empires, as a means of bolstering the economy and keeping patriotism strong. This does not mean that there is any kind of friendship between them, though; the leaders of each empire frequently meet via hologram to exchange crude insults and gratuitous "yo momma"-jokes.
Partisan and criminal organisations, such as the Space Pirates, the Resisty, and the Men in Black are also a thorn in the empire's side. Their clandestine operations make them particularly difficult to track, much to the Tallest's frustration. Special black-ops divisions have been formed to locate and eliminate such groups, with varying degrees of success. More organised groups, such as the Jedi Order, the Galactic Federation, and the Green Lantern Corps. have also caused trouble for the Irkens at various points in time. The Jedi problem eventually solved itself, but attempts at conquering the Lantern home world of Oa have so far proven futile, though they continue to this day with increasing frequency.
Finally, single individuals, such as the rogue Invaders Tak and Zim, space hunters (eg., Samus Aran), Steve Ballmer, and others can prove considerable nuisances to the Empire. How a single person can cause so much trouble to such a powerful faction is questionable; many believe that the government tries to demonise certain individuals as a means of uniting the populace. Either that, or the guys in charge just really, really don't like those people.
Below is a list of some of the Irken Empire's most notorious and persistent foes:
- Agent Scully and Agent Mulder of the FBI
That son of a bitch Mulder knows too much! - Sizz-Lorr
- The Men in Black (especially Agents Jay and Kay)
Oh come on, we're the "biggest scum in the universe" just because we go around conquering planets and enslaving their inhabitants and forcing them to build Irken technology?!
- Almighty Tallest Purple
Nobody vows to Fucking Kill™ me and gets away with it! - General Mek
- The Resisty
Those damn nerfherders shot at our flagship, The Massive, and I never even bought laser damage insurance! - Almighty Tallest Red
That bantha-brain has done worse things to the Irken Empire than Tom Cruise has done to the church of Scientology, so don't even ask!! - Invader Tak
- Space Pirates
Sure, they talk tough when they're fighting us, but send a few ninjas after them, and they run off like scared little girls. - Anonymous Irken Starfighter Pilot
Anything but Chuck Norris! -
Invader Zee
[edit] Government
The Irken Government is listed below.
[edit] Almighty Tallest
The Irken government is based on a dictatorship where one rules over the others. They also have a rather controversial way of choosing their leaders that the New Republic consider to be a form of "white supremacy." The determination of the Irkens' leader depends on the candidate's height. The tallest Irken automatically becomes the leader of the others, or the "Almighty Tallest" as called by the Irkens. The job of the Almighty Tallest is to keep watch over the other Irkens and make sure that they are doing their job. They also oversee major invasions and other major events. (see "Historical Days") Previous Almighty Tallests such as "Almighty Tallest Nigzarvich" (who is now the CEO of the Solana Galaxy's most popular fast-food chain, Galaxy Burger) have help the Irken Empire flourish and become successful in conquering many planets and gaining much wealth. The present leaders, Almighty Tallest Red and Almighty Tallest Purple (there are currently 2 leaders because Red and Purple are both the same height) are not the best leaders the Irkens have had. You could say that that Red and Purple are the Irkens' answer to planet Earth's past president, Dubya. Instead of keeping the Irken Empire running smoothly, they have been known to instead relax, eat, and huff kittens for hours on end without stopping. Though incompetent and lazy, Almighty Tallest Red and Almighty Tallest Purple have managed to keep the Irken Empire running as well as keeping Invader Zim from ruining major events and social gatherings. Aside from running the Irken Empire (which very little time is spent on doing this), Red and purple like nothing more than to relax, gorge on junk food, and go on a double-date with Sebulba's female masseuses. This however, has infuriated Sebulba to no end, especially since he can do nothing about it or the Tallest would send some Invaders to conquer his home planet of Malastare.
[edit] Political Advisor
During the Separatist movement that triggered the Clone Wars (and eventually the fall of the Old Republic and rise of the Galactic Empire), the Irken Empire wanted to "cash in" on anything that the Separatists, such as the Trade Federation, would gain from breaking away from the Republic. To make it easier to become involved with the Separatists, Almighty Tallest Nigzarvich (who was the irken leader at the time) called for the formation of a new political position, namely the Irken political advisor. His job would be to make many of the "difficult" decisions that the Almighty Tallest had to make (usually in the best interests of the Irken Empire) and to negotiate a fair arrangement with the Separatists. The Irken political advisor also served as senator and voice of the Irken Empire and helped his people flourish during and after the days of the Clone Wars. The Irken Political advisers more recently however, are Almighty Tallest Red and Almighty Tallest Purple's answer to Dubya's Karl Rove. Their current political advisor, Rarl Kove, advises them on financial decisions, invasions, and represents the Irken empire in the Galactic Senate. Rarl is also the main reason the Irken Empire has flourished under the rule of Red and Purple. Also, thanks to Rarl and his friendship with Cyborg Zim, the Irkens formed an alliance with the robotic supervillian Dr. Nefarious and this alliance helped the Irkens both financially and otherwise because Dr. Nefarious was both rich and had resources that were deeply coveted by the Irkens. You Found a secret!
[edit] Security
Listed below are Irken security forces.
[edit] Aerial Guard
Irken Aerial Guards are usually present at briefings, and during senatorial debates(when the Irkens are involved) as to intimidate other senators. These highly trained guards also have other jobs such as:
- Camera holders during sports events
- Spying on other senators during senatorial meetings
- Assassination
- Sneak Attacks
- Guarding Entry ways
- Keeping a lookout when shady business deals are being made
- Escorting celebrities like popular irken talk show host Invader Leno or war heroes like Invader Skoodge.
The aerial guards are also used to distract enemy forces while Irken soldiers shower ordinance on the enemy base.
[edit] Speeder Guard
The Speeder guard first appeared during the reign of tallest spork and the pizza. During that time, planet Irk had problems with traffic and speeding (all Irken vehicles were hovercars, etc.) and there were no police forces for that sort of thing and Irken drivers were "getting away with murder". Because of this, Almighty Tallest Nigzarvich called for a new police force to end the chaos and road rage of the Irken roadways and restore peace to the streets, and thus the Speeder Guard was born. This elite police force known as "Speeder Guards" kept law and order in the Irken cities; thus, traffic, road rage, and crashes in the Irken cities became a thing of the past. The Speeder Guards' job is to:
- Give speeding tickets
- Be on the lookout for illegal activity
- Crack down on crime (both organized and otherwise)
- Prevent Road Rage
- Any other job involved in "keeping the peace" in the Irken cities
[edit] Military
Below are the Irken Military leaders, positions, etc.
[edit] General Mek
Once a high ranking Invader who had conquered over 40 planets in the name of the Irken Empire between 1977 and 1981, as well as "lady's man", Invader Mek was promoted to the rank of General in 1983 after his strict military tactics(which he learned over the course of 40 years while training on Hobo 13) helped save the lives of 1,000 Irken soldiers during the Battle of Vlorsh, when enemy troops shot down the shuttle that was carrying the Irken soldiers. Mek, who was in the shuttle with the soldiers at the time, was quickly able to steer the shuttle into a nearby river, outside of the Vlorsheons capital city, thus saving the lives of every Irken soldier on the shuttle. Mek's promotion made him the first ever Irken general. Mek didn't know this at first, but the worst days of his life would soon come. Mek's worst days came during The Great Assigning of 1942. During this time, Invader Zim was trying to get a candy bar from a vending machine, but was unable to do so. Mek, who just happened to be on his way to the same vending machine got there just in time to see Zim attacking the vending machine in a giant mech (giant robot piloted by someone). Mek was so surprised by what he saw that he didn't see that the mech was about to step on him (Zim didn't know this). It was to late, the giant mech had squashed General Mek (which is ironic, considering his name). Mek was taken to a hospital on the city planet, Coruscant, where he was hospitalized. Mek had suffered a broken arm, scarred face, and internal bleeding because of Zim. The next day, Mek was visited by a seemingly eccentric scientist with a large cone-shaped head and pale orangish skin who called himself "Nefarious". Nefarious said that he was an expert in cybernetic reconstruction and could easily help Mek get back on his feet. Mek agreed and so Nefarious took Mek back to his secret lab where Mek was outfitted with many cybernetic implants including a mechanical arm, advanced eyesight as well as a computerized data gathering and storage system in his brain(thus eliminating his need for a SIR Unit), and a partially mechanical mask that not only covered the scars he received on his face, but gave him improved vision in his damaged eye. Mek however, when he returned to Irk, was not all pleased. He became very bitter and vengeful. Mek's change in attitude helped him to become the most feared(as well as the only) Irken General(Before General Viron). General Mek still harbors a grudge against Zim, for screwing up his life and vows to one day find, capture, and destroy Zim.
[edit] General Viron
A former Irken scientist with a short temper and a ruthless disposition (not to be confused with VIRON), General Viron (AKA Dr. Viron as he was called before he became a general) worked his way through the ranks as he grew taller. He would have become Almighty Tallest after Nigzarvich resigned. This became impossible however when he was gravely injured in a lab explosion and due to his grave injuries, he was unable to fill the post of Almighty Tallest so the next tallest Irken after Viron, Invader Spork, became the Almighty Tallest. For a long time, Viron was confined to a medical facility and it wasn't until Invader Zim and Dr. Nefarious formed an alliance that Linked Dr. Nefarious with the Irken Empire that Viron was able to recover. Viron recovered through a long and painful surgery by Dr. Nefarious's med. droids that revived him as a cyborg with several of the abilities that Dr. Nefarious himself possessed. After his reconstruction into a cyborg, Viron was offered a job as a general of the Irken army by Almighty Tallest Red and Almighty Tallest Purple. He gladly accepted the job and became the Irken Empire's most powerful, ruthless, and diabolical General.(note that this is after Invader Zim accidentally killed Almighty Tallest Spork, Red and Purple took over, Zim was sent to earth, Zim conquered earth, Zim joined forces with Dr. Nefarious, Zim was overthrown, gravely injured, and reconstructed by Dr. Nefarious into Cyborg Zim)
[edit] General Sizz-Lorr
The last of the 3 generals of the Irken army, General Sizz-Lorr is known for his strategic mind and quick thinking. His methods have lead Irken troops to victory many times. It was General Sizz-Lorr who carried out the Irkens' domination of the planet Geonosis during the Clone Wars while the planet's ruler Poggle the Lesser was relocated, along with the other Separatist leaders, to various planets by General Grievous. After the fall of the Galactic Empire, it was General Sizz-Lorr who help win The Battle of Zeldrin where his strategic thinking help the Irken Army defeat Zeldrenian soldiers and set up a base on the planet. Also had it not been for General Sizz-Lorr, the Irkens would not have been able to invade and capture the planet known as Reptril 5, a planet inhabited by large, reptillian warriors. Aside from being a general, Sizz-Lorr is also second in command to former Almighty Tallest Nigzarvich(see "Almighty Tallest)- the CEO the popular fast-food chain, Galaxy Burger. Because of this position, Sizz-Lorr became the ruler of the planet Foodcourtia, a planet that is nothing more than a huge foodcourt. This position has given Sizz-Lorr great power as well as great wealth. He can also control and direct his troops from his office.
[edit] Irken Soldiers/Slavedrivers
[edit] The Invaders
(Note: the following entries have been annotated by the MIB, hence the pointless little status-bar thingies.)
[edit] Zee
Status: deceased
Met death when posing as a mexican before running afoul of the men in black.
[edit] Tenn
Status: missing, presumably deceased
Tenn is the chick who has to whine about everything. She cannot defend for herself, and has to whine to the Tallest when something bad happens to her. (Such as, Hobo 13) Last seen on Xenomorph by the colonial marines.
[edit] Skoodge
Status: Who gives a fuck?
Skoodge is the most hardcore bastard ever. He's so hardcore, he refuses to go on any diets, as well as clean out any stains in his uniform, despite how many years it's been there. After he completed his mission, he killed the guy who created the Atkins diet plan, then returned to his leaders to brag about his wonderful news. The Tallest decided to destroy him, but with his powerful immortality super powers, he lived, just like how he does with everything else. Some people criticize him as a fat bastard, but Skoodge likes being fat, probably why he had a bitter hatred for Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton. He lives in his grandfather's old ranch, despite how his grandfather was a cattle rancher, but Skoodge never noticed this. His grandfather died when he had a heart attack while working in the PIT OF DOOM. But Skoodge doesn't seem to know yet, despite his obviously rotting and decaying body. Presumably, he's about to join him.
[edit] Grapa
Status: Wanted by the MIB
Invader Grapa is the new Invader Skoodge. This was declared by the Tallest, when realizing they didn't want an ugly, fat, and short guy as an icon to worship. Being the tall and sexy bastard everyone loves, he was automatically declared as Skoodge, conqueror of Blorch. He is a wealthy millionare, who is the new Irken Playboy now, with tons of bitches at his every whim. He officially owns almost everything now, except the Tallest. But the chicks still love him anyway. Well, at least they did...
[edit] Flobee
Status: In exile
Flobee is an example of one of the few Irken cavemen still alive. He wears rocks all over himself, as his special armor, to protect himself from most other habitats. He only speaks caveman, and has no fucking idea what anything is. Oh well.
[edit] Larb
Status: We were about to kill him, but we sorta dropped the ball.
Invader Larb is just basically a guy that people always mistake as lard.
[edit] Slacks
Status: Incarcirated and under maximum anaesthesia
Slacks is basically your average masochist. He pretty much just fucks up on purpose, so that he can get beaten up, and get his insane sexual pleasure from it.
[edit] Squee
Status: Definitely dead.
This mighty invader knows his bombs. He is a close friend to Spleen, as they are masters of all explosives in the Irken Military. Explosives have the variation of Land Mines, Suicide Bombing, Stasis Traps and Remote Mines. Killed by one of his own bombs.
[edit] Spleen
Status: Headless
Invader Spleen has an obvious disorder. His lack of brain, caused his head to increase its size, making him the almighty dickhead. His head can also be efficient for ladder use. His head was knocked off when Benito Mussolini used the ultimate power of fascism, which saved the planet Italy.
Bottom line, fascism is good. Right, kids?
[edit] Stink
Status: We've been over this before.
Stink was the suckiest invader ever. However, he managed to accomplish his mission as an invader, by simply accidentally leaving a still lit cigarette on the ground, causing the whole civilization to burn on fire, so he could rule over it. He is basically a lazyass, that's just lucky. Amazing he can dress himself.
[edit] Skutch
Status: Incarcerated in solitary confinement. He originally shared a cell, but the big ugly guys covered in tattoos he shared it with raped him and set his penis on fire in an ironic twist of fate.
Invader Skutch is known for his professional rape and kill skills. He has raped over a thousand people, then killed them, and burned down their homes. This technique was quite efficient into helping him succeed in his mission. To his misfortune, not only did the smoke fumes give him lung cancer, but he has also been tested positive for STDs. Wonder how that happened, eh?
[edit] Tak
Status: The guys tracked down to kill her were complete dumbasses, so robotis killdroids were sent in to do the job. We think she might be dead.
Tak was basically used by Zim as a sex slave, until Zim had thrown her into space pointlessly, like the dumbass he is. Tak now works at Striptopia, the planet of the best clubs. She specializes in pole-dancing. She's also VERY good at bondage (trust me).
[edit] Whoa, the empire fell apart for some reason and all the Irkens are dead!
The planet Irk was blown up(mysteriously) and all the Irkens still on Irk died because of a virus [[that was not engineered by the
[edit] See Also
| Planets |
|---|
| Confirmed (Solar System): Freddy Mercury / Mercury | Venus | Earth/Lyons/iEarth/World (The Moon) | Disney World | Zula (Nayelista) | Planet Hollywood | Mars | Planet Google | Globe | Roseanne | Jupiter | Saturn | Uranus / Youranus / Myanus | Neptune |
| Confirmed (Extrasolar): An T'ark-Ti'kah | Uncyclopedia | Asherah | Darwin IV | Discworld | Lexicon | Wikipedia | Pizza Planet | Belldandy | Polkadottia | Gliese 581 c | 55 Cancri e |
| Dwarf planets: Ceres | Pluto | 2003 UB313 | |
| Unconfirmed: Garnox | Mantoobia | Unicron |
| Denied by CIA: Irk | Krypton | Michigan | Neopia | Tiamat | Nibiru | Magrathea |
| In a galaxy far, far away: |
| Members of the Federation: Vulcan | Earth | Qo'noS | 16 Cygni Bb | xxEarth Cxx |
| Loner Planets: Wisconsin | Your Mom |
