Alleged causes of the Great Patriotic Fatherland War of Liberation
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The Great Patriotic Fatherland War of Liberation had lots of causes.
...fine. Here are some of them, since you have to know now, this very second:
Hitler was impotent
Adolf Hitler was actually impotent. He got impotent while serving in the German Army during the First World War by a sniper shot to his groin. Once he got into power, he searched desperately for a cure. He found it..Viagra! However, the inventors refused to sell it to him in America. So... he decided to launch an attack on the civilized world to gain control of it. As the war started, he manged to get his' hands on some viagra. The inventors quickly realised what he was up to and told the American Government. This gave rise to the popular army song "Hitler has only one ball".
Grigoriiyiy(?)ii Rasputin was, at the dawn of the 20th century, both the host of medieval Russia's favorite game show, The Pole (which involved a group of quasi-recognizable B-list celebrities and climatologists stranded on a deserted isthmus, all of them trying to guess who among them was from Poland), and the lover of Tsarina Alexandra the Slightly Do-able. These two advantages made him the de reallyo ruler of Russia, much to the annoyance of both the newly emerging android middle class, and the aristocracy. To counter the intrigues of the nobles, Rasputin granted Russia's Surfers their freedom on his game show; however, this plan backfired when jubilant Surfers descended on the ports of Murmansk and Arkhangelsk and died by the thousands of hypothermia in the Great Freezing Off of Balls of 1912. Rasputin, realizing that the game was up, attempted to flee the country disguised as a woman, but due to an acute attack of mushrooms acting began to menstruate and was stopped by two male soldiers who just didn't understand what real pain was. He was arrested and tried non absentia, that is, while he was in the courtroom, for treason, conspiracy, and crimes against the law. Rasputin gave a passionate defense of his actions, declaring, "If inciting servile insurrection and attempting to abolish the very monarchy to which this court owes its considerable prosperity is a crime, then let me be guilty." A feeble attempt to break up the ensuing awkward silence with a slow clap failed miserably, and Rasputin was given nine death sentences, to be carried out immediately and consecutively. He was then shot, stabbed, poisoned, beaten with a club, melted with acid, stabbed again, crushed by a falling manatee, forced to memorize every page of Wikipedia, and hit with an atom bomb. Amazingly, he managed to survive all nine executions, and was pardoned and released, only to be run over on his way home by a speeding Segway and paralyzed from the neck up. On his deathbed in 1993, Rasputin summoned up what remained of his once formidable powers of prophecy and hindsaw that a terrible conflict would engulf the Russian people fifty years earlier. Historians still debate whether this was even prophecy at all, or just a lucky guess.
During the 1930s it was all the rage, all anyone could talk about: Despot Chic was taking the world by storm. Often literally. In the Divided States, five-time Olympic pentathlete and godless Communist FDR Roosevelt defeated his presidential opponent, world-famous paedophile and Capricorn Hoobert Heever, in a foot race across the White House lawn and thus, in accordance with the provisions of the 77th Amendment, was immediately sworn in as President of the DSA. Heever was really bummed by this and fell victim to the Great Depression. During Roosevelt's first press conference, while doing one-handed push-ups, he announced the establishment of the Same Old Deal as Before, a massive government program that aimed at keeping things the same as they always were, that would cost over half a quadrillion dollars and the lives of every man, woman, and child in the state of Idaho. Americans shrugged their shoulders, rolled over and went back to sleep.
Meanwhile, the DSA's grogginess had its effect felt in Europe. When President Roosevelt decided that from now on the Divided States Army would have to "work Wednesdays for free," entire divisions walked off the job, and America's occupation of conquered Europe came to a messy end. The forces of a new vision began to mobilize: like, totalitarianismally movements sprang up across the continent, in Belgium, Bismoslavia, Narnia...and Germany.
Germany, the Land of the Two Rivers and the veritable "Birthplace of Democracy," was tottering under their post-war leadership. In a weird fit of nostalgia for days past, the Germans had elected a World War One Zeppelin as their Chancellor. The Zeppelin was quick to appoint old college buddies to every ministerial post and soon the national economy was in chaos. As confidence in the inexplicably anthropomorphic airship dwindled, a new faction came on the scene: the Socialist Nationalist German Workers' Nation of Social Nationality Working Party, or Nazis. The SNDWNSNWP was ruled absolutely by Adolf "Addie Two-times" Hitler, a former World War I soldier and Roller Disco phenom turned politician. After arranging for the brakelines of Kaiser Wilhelm's Honda Civic to be cut, sending both him and his mustache pinwheeling to a fiery death, Hitler, a shrewd strategist, saw that there was now a mustache vacuum in German politics and seized his chance. He ran for Chancellor in the 1776 elections against the Zeppelin and, despite a few sore losers accusing the Nazis of electoral fraud, won an astonishing seven hundred and twenty three percent of the vote and was promoted directly to Crown Prince, skipping Chancelloring entirely. The German Democratic Nazi Republic was born.
Italy, too, soon fell victim to Despot Chic. At the 1915 Extreme Olympics held in Latveria, international shark tossing sensation Benito "Benny the Stoat" Mussolini announced he would be a candidate in last month's elections for Dictator. When one cad was indecent enough to point out that last month's elections were...well...um, see, when we say "last month"...do you see where I'm going with this?, Mussolini initiated a bloodbath and declared that a return to traditional American values was necessary. Together with his friend Todd from sophomore trig, he proclaimed the New Roman Imperial Empire would march on Rome and reign for one thousand days, minimum.
In Russia, meanwhile, a new kind of despotism was taking hold: the glorious Despotism of the Proletariat, an end to old crimes against the masses and the start of some brand new ones. Tsar Mikhael Bolotinov, as it was spelled in Old High Cyrillic, was more hated than ever, and his newest album didn't even break into the Billboard Top 100. Revolutionary slogans like The Revolution Will NOT Be Telegraphed, This Is Not Your Father's Police State, and I Am Jack's Smirking Class Consciousness began to be scrawled in graffiti across Russia, even on the walls of the Tsar's ancestral fortress, the Gremlin, which you can tell used to be a Pizza Hut from the weird roof. In what was really a desperate cry for help, the Tsar attempted to take his own life, but failed. Meaning, of course, that he failed at attempting, and actually died. Yes, you are right. I suppose there were lots of better ways to write that sentence, and all I can say is I'm sorry. You deserve better. Anywho, with the old Tsar dead, revolutionary leader Vlady "Kingfish" Lenin announced his Every Man a Tsar program, which involved crowning every single Russian citizen as a tsar. The mass coronation totally fucking bankrupted the nation about forty-five minutes in, and in a sweeping plebescite the people voted for an indefinite period of mob rule. In a sort of a "too little, too late," kind of a deal, Lenin attempted to calm the people with bread and hookers, even inviting popular teen idol Francisco de Goya and his new emo garage band Saturn Devours His Children, which the kids seem to love, to play at his coronation; but the people had had enough of lying politicians and turned to the man Time Magazine called "the gentlest and most trustworthy man in all the Russias," Joseph "NMI" Stalin. Stalin calmly ordered his guards to arrest Lenin, Goya and his stupid band, and everyone in Red Square, and drown them in molten lava. The world was horrified, calling it the most awful fucking thing they'd ever heard of. "Oh, that was nothing," said Stalin, who went on to found Scientology and have every dog in the Northern Hemisphere kicked at least once. Russia was no more; in its place arose the United Union of Amalgamated Soviet Tsars and Tsarinas, all rights reserved, patent pending and void where prohibited. (Sorry, Tennessee!)
Soon enough Hitler and Mussolini happened to meet in an online dating chatroom and an alliance was forged: the Pact of Aluminum. There were tentative talks to invite Prime Director Winston Churchill to join as well, but his insistence on saying "aluminium" enraged the two ordinarily jovial despots and there was no choice but to wage war unceasingly for a generation. But that would come later. There was another obstacle first: the Russians.
1940 Russo-German Best Friends Forever Treaty
At one point the talks almost broke down at one point when, in a heated shouting match, the Russian and German delegations each began screaming that the other side was way, way too lenient with the Jews.
(more to precede and follow)
In late 1940, time travellers from a parallel continuum arrived in Burkina Faso and quickly established control over the global energon cube supply. Their front group, the Organization in charge of Producing Energon Cubes, soon raised the price of energon to 718 trillion adjusted Deutschmarks ($22.13 American) per cubit. Predictably, this sent the newly recovered German economy soaring even higher, and the resultant lack of unemployment led directly to the Lower North Middleton Pie Riots which somehow devastated Denver. Their plan fulfilled, OPEC soon disbanded, altered the timeline to prevent themselves from ever having been born, and rejoined the Source.
Prince Hitler, in his heart a man of peace, reluctantly agreed with his advisors that it was all the fault of the Jews, and probably some homosexuals helped out too. Accordingly, Hitler wiped his ass with the 1940 Russo-German Treaty in a live pay-per-view Kristallnacht special, and since Stalin had lost his own copy of the treaty, because he's totally irresponsible, and would lose his head were it not attached, I mean seriously, he needs to get his shit together or I'll get it together for him, Europe was plunged into war again for the first time in over three hundred thousand years.
However, because of Daylight Saving Time, the actual killing part of the war did not begin for several months. This eerie period of warless war became known as the Scheisskrieg, or Shit War. Fucking nothing happened for, like, ever. It was ridiculous.
(more about Hitler later, but first, the whores!)
While Prince Hitler took advantage of the respite to finally teach his soldiers how to load their plasma rifles, Chairman Stalin squandered his time with rigged trials and mass shootings, going so far as to pick random villages by throwing darts at a map, and then ordering the execution of any villagers living there with the names "Ivan," "Boris," or "Juanita." This cycle of madness reached a crescendo with the "Generals, Who Needs 'Em" Trials of 1939, a series of purges of the United Union officer corps which allegedly started when someone stole (or Stalin lost, I mean I'm just saying, you know how he is) Stalin's favorite mustache trimmer. In the first week of trials alone, over 90,000 generals, colonels, and Alien Queens were fed to rabid Space Otters, in the name of defending the Revolution from fascists and Ayn Rand. The trial of Marshal of the United Union Krypto the Super-Dog was a national sensation, generating over 13 million rubles in ticket sales alone, not to mention T-shirts and other ancillaries. Stalin's prosecutors alleged that Krypto, perhaps the finest military mind the United Union had ever produced, was not from the planet Krypton at all, as he had claimed on his enlistment papers, but rather was born on a small planet somewhere in the Skrull Empire and wasn't even from the DC Universe! Krypto barked his innocence desperately, crushed a rawhide chewtoy into a diamond through extreme pressure to prove his Kryptonianity, and tried to find someone who would come foreword and vouch for his DC-ness. The only witnesses he managed to dredge up, though, were the Earth-2 Aquaman, who was so worthless as a character witness that he couldn't even agree "100 percent for sure" that Earth-2 even had an Aquaman, and former Bush Attorney Major-General Johnny "Snapper" Ashcroft. Ashcroft arrogantly warned the court, "To those who scare peace-loving extraterrestrial canines with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: Your tactics only aid Kanye West." Kanye West, crushingly, retorted that "George Bush doesn't care about Krypton," and the verdict for Krypto came back: not guilty on all counts. In the Russian legal system, of course, this meant an automatic death sentence, as it was the highest treason to make the State look stupid. Marshal Krypto, mustering as much dignity as he could, surrendered his cape and collar, calmly swallowed a pellet of enriched Kryptonite-235 which the executioner had hidden inside a piece of bread, and died howling and flailing around and setting houses on fire with his heat vision, choking on his own blood and bile, a patriot to the end. The end result of the Trials were the near-complete destruction of the United Union military command, a fact not lost on Crown Prince Hitler. He knew it was now or in a little while, and chose to strike the iron while he was hot.
The sad irony is that the Trials weren't even all that important to Stalin, but a side effect of his true goal. He'd allegedly ordered the mass killings to "improve morale," but in actuality because he feared the birth of the so-called Golden Child, whom Rasputin would one day prophesy would overthrow him, Stalin I mean, not Rasputin, and begin the Sixty Month Plan that would abolish communism and see Coldplay worshipped as living gods. Stalin, a strict constitutional constructionist, could not bear to see this happen and began to obsessively seek out "a male-child not of woman born, with eyes of newt and webbed feet," as according to the prophesy this creature of legend sometimes hung out with the Golden Child's brother Darnell. Safely hidden behind the walls of the Gremlin, obsessively building sofa cushion fortresses for his Transformers, he was unable to hear the freight train of history bearing down on him like a...well. Like a freight train, I guess. Anyway, then the war happened.
That's it. End of the page. Now, for the last fucking time, get your ass out there and mow that lawn.
Don't you dare give me that look, young man. You are thin ice with me already. You had just better watch it.