Allah: The Annotated Version

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Nuvola apps important Attempt to explain joke
This article attempts to explain a joke in minute detail, as if to an idiot, a very small child, or a very small child who is also an idiot. It also attempts to explain its own explanation, which, if successful, could result in crashing the universe. Please do not crash the universe.

NOTE: The following article is meant to explain the humor of the article Allah. If you are an intelligent, open-minded person who does not have a problem with ironic religious humor, you can read the original article (without "annotation") here.

Conservapedia logo
The faux patriot snake handlers at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about Allah.
Allah is one of the many false, non-Christian gods that plagues the world today. This particular "god" is the figurehead of the Islamism cult, which is such a hideous perversion of good old-fashioned all-American Christian values that it barely deserves mention here. ---ATTENTION: THIS INTRODUCTION IS SATIRICAL. IT ASSUMES AN OBVIOUSLY BIASED CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALIST VIEW. IT IS MEANT TO CONTRADICT THE NEUTRALITY THAT ENCYCLOPEDIAS ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE. PLEASE CHUCKLE NOW. THAT IS ALL---

edit Attributes

Allah

Does this look like God to you? Didn't think so. ---WARNING! THIS CAPTION CARRIES ON THE BIASED SATIRE. VIEW WITH CAUTION!---

Even the most fervant Allah-ite is not able to offer a description of what his god looks like. According to Islamist tradition, ---NOTE THE INCONSISTENT TERMINOLOGY FOR THE RELIGION AND ITS ADHERENTS; THIS PARODIES PEOPLE WHO HAVE DIFFICULTY KEEPING THE WORDS "ISLAM", "MUSLIM", AND "ISLAMIC" STRAIGHT--- it is blasphemous to attempt to portray Allah in any visual way; instead, followers may only print his name in fancy Arab squiggles. How convenient... is this because Allah is too holy to be painted, as they claim, or is it because they don't know what Allah looks likes because he doesn't exist? We will let the reader decide. ---ALERT! THE LAST SENTENCE OF THIS PARAGRAPH IS MEANT TO CONTRADICT THE BIASED TONE. IT IS ADVISED THAT YOU RECOGNIZE THE IRONY. FAILURE TO DO SO MAY RESULT IN RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION---

One of the main reasons we know that Allah is a false god is because of the attributes given to him by his followers. For instance, it is said that this Allah fellow is "omnipotent", "omniscient", and "omnipresent", whatever that means. Only heartless heathens would use such blasphemeous terms. We know that the one true God is none of these things; according to the Holy Bible, God is actually "all-powerful, all-knowing, and ever-present". Forget all those sinful, untruthful "omni" words - this is the only real truth about God! ---BE ADVISED: THE WORDS "OMNIPOTENT", "OMNISCIENT", AND "OMNIPRESENT" ARE SYNONYMS OF THE WORDS "ALL-POWERFUL", "ALL-KNOWING", AND "EVER-PRESENT". THE CHRISTIAN NARRATOR ACCEPTS THE LATTER SET OF WORDS BECAUSE THEY ARE IN FAMILIAR BIBLICAL LANGUAGE. HE REJECTS THE "OMNI" TERMS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THEM, AND THEREFORE FEARS THEM, EVEN WHEN THEY MEAN THE SAME THING. THIS SATIRIZES RELIGIOUS XENOPHOBICS. THAT IS ALL---

Another thing that these devious ---MORE BIASED LANGUAGE - THIS IS FUNNY--- Muslimites say is that Allah lives in a realm called "Jannah". Only a corrupted fornicator ---NOTICE THE REPETITION OF STEREOTYPICAL FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN INSULTS--- would fall for such evil lies. It is obvious that the real God lives in Heaven,---JANNAH IS THE ARABIC WORD FOR PARADISE, AS WELL AS 'ALLAH' BEING THE ARABIC WORD FOR GOD AND THE NARRATOR IS IGNORANT OF THIS FACT--- a.k.a. paradise, because that is what the Bible says ---THIS IS NOT NECESSARILY SAYING THAT EVERYTHING IN THE BIBLE IS TRUE, BUT RATHER SATIRIZING THE FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANS' BLIND ACCEPTANCE THAT THE BIBLE IS THE LITERAL WORD OF GOD, EVEN WHEN TRANSLATED FROM ITS ORIGINAL HEBREW AND GREEK, WHICH COULD CHANGE MEANINGS IN MANY WAYS. PLUS, THE BIBLE WAS WRITTEN ---. Why would God live in some weird place called "Jannah"? ---MORE FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN - LAUGH NOW--- How could a place like that be heavenly, or paradisical? It is easy to see that these lies about Allah are just that: lies ---WE AT UNCYCLOPEDIA DO NOT NECESSARILY BELIEVE THAT THE QUR'AN IS LIES, THIS IS A SATIRE OF THE XENOPHOBIA PRESENT IN TODAY'S CULTURE.

Islamism supplements its Allah-worship with a cult of personality based on the character of Mohammed---THIS IS NOT TO SAY THAT MOHAMED WAS NOT A REAL PERSON, BUT STILL MAKING FUN OF XENOPHOBIA. Mohammed is supposedly the founder of the Islamistic religion. He was the first leader of the Islamite church and did the most to spread the lies of Islamism around the world. Because of this, Islamists elevate Mohammed to a godlike status that is completely unwarranted even by their own religious writings. All Islamistical leaders strive to act like Mohammed, he is prayed to and idolized, and some even swear to seeing his image in bowls of soup or in the clouds. Such childishly silly acts only throw the infantile nature of Islamistism into sharp relief. How could any self-respecting monotheist claim to see their god in a burnt tortilla? Certainly not a Christian, that's for sure. ---NOTE: THE PRECEDING SECTION IS A DIRECT PARODY OF THE CATHOLIC FAITH. CATHOLICS HAVE A TENDENCY TO PUT THE VIRGIN MARY ON A LEVEL WITH JESUS HIMSELF, EVEN THOUGH THIS IS NOT CALLED FOR IN THE BIBLE. THE FACT THAT THE NARRATOR MAKES THESE SAME ACCUSATIONS AGAINST MUSLIMS - AND THEN ASSUMES THAT CHRISTIANS DO NOT DO THIS - IS HIGHLY IRONIC---

edit Logical Impossibility

The surest way to tell that Allah is imaginary is that his followers say that he has not "begotten". In other words he doesn't have children. This is preposterous. How could Allah be the real God if Jesus is not his son? How could he deserve worship if he did not sacrifice his son for our sins? The Bible clearly states that Jesus is the Son of God. Ergo, if this Allah character doesn't have children, then he isn't God. It's pure logic, really. ---THIS SECTION IS HUMOROUS BECAUSE THE NARRATOR APPLIES LOGIC TO RELIGION AND FINDS AN ANSWER THAT IS IN FACT A LOGICAL FALLACY. THIS IS FUNNY. IN ADDITION, THE NARRATOR MAKES HIS FALSE ASSUMPTIONS BASED ON CHRISTIAN DOCTRINE, DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE IS DISCUSSING ISLAM. THIS IS ALSO FUNNY---

But in fact, that is only one of countless logical arguments proving that Allah does not exist. For example, let's suppose for the sake of argument (as silly as this might sound) that Allah is indeed omniscient, omnipotent and perfectly good. If there was any suffering or evil in the world, Allah would know about it (with his omniscience), be able to stop it (with his omnipotence) and want to stop it (what perfectly good being would let evil happen?). Therefore there should be no evil or suffering in the world - but there is, proving that Allah does not exist! Any true and holy God would not be succeptible to such easy logical disproof. ---NOTE THAT THIS ARGUMENT, IF YOU ACCEPT IT, DOES JUST AS GOOD A JOB OF DISPROVING THE EXISTENCE OF THE CHRISTIAN GOD. THAT THE NARRATOR IS TOO PREJUDICED TO REALISE THIS IS VERY FUNNY, TRUST US---

edit Character

Even if you ignore these iron-clad proofs against Allah's divinity, ---IN ACTUALITY, THERE IS NO IRON-CLAD PROOF AT ALL. THE FACT THAT THE NARRATOR CALLS IT THIS IS HIGHLY FUNNY--- there are plenty of emotional and spiritual reasons to disregard him. A perfect example is how merciless Allah is said to be. According to Islamistic tradition, Allah is believed to watch you like a hawk day and night, just waiting for you to disobey him even once. The second you break Allah's arbitrary rules, you are condemned to Hell forever. The only way to escape this unjust condemnation is to grovel like a maggot at his feet, sniveling like a child for him to forgive you. Even if you believe that you've been absolved, you always tremble in fear that you might unknowingly cross him again. This ever-present fear is used as a psychological tool to brainwash the follower into being even more of a mindless Allah-ite.

---WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! PARALLELISM ALERT! NOTE HOW THE NEXT PARAGRAPH MIRRORS THE PRECEDING ONE IN GRAMMAR, STRUCTURE, AND LINK PLACEMENT, BUT USES MORE FAVORABLE LANGUAGE. THE NARRATOR FAVORS IT BECAUSE IT DESCRIBES CHRISTIANITY, AND VILIFIES THE FIRST BECAUSE IT DESCRIBES ISLAM. THE TWO PARAGRAPHS IN FACT DESCRIBE THE SAME PROCESS. THIS IS VERY IRONIC. REMINDER: IRONY IS FUNNY---

This is a sharp contrast to our loving and forgiving God. We know that God watches you like a father day and night, just waiting to help when you stray the path even once. The second you break God's wise rules, you condemn yourself to Hell, possibly forever. The only way to escape this just condemnation is to kneel humbly at His feet, asking like a child for him to forgive you. Once you are absolved, you always live in respect of the Lord, so you won't cross Him again. This ever-present respect is used as a learning tool to mold us into being even more of a believer in Christ.

edit History

AllahActionFigure

An Allah action figure ---THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE ACTION FIGURES ARE NORMALLY EXPECTED TO EXIST---

Allah was first made up by some crazy guy ---NOTE: BIASED LANGUAGE IS FUNNY--- named Mohammed ---THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE EARLIER IN THE ARTICLE, THE NARRATOR ARGUED THAT MOHAMMED DIDN'T EXIST. SELF-CONTRADICTION CAN BE FUNNY UNDER CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES, AND IS SOMEWHAT FUNNY IN THIS ONE--->, who lived in the deserts of what is now Saudi Arabia. He claimed that an angel had come to him and dictated to him the complete text of the Koran, the complete compendium of Islamisticalogical beliefs. This is obviously false - we know that when God wants someone to add to his Holy Book, he inspires them. And if he wanted to get his attention, he would have used a burning bush. Why would he send an angel to dictate it? Only a deceitful kitten-murderer would be taken in by such lies. ---NOTE: APPLYING BIBLICAL STANDARDS TO ANOTHER RELIGION IS ALSO FUNNY. IT ALSO PARODIES THE FACT THAT VARIOUS PEOPLE HAVE WRITTEN THEIR OWN ADDITIONS OR CLARIFICATIONS TO THE BIBLE, CLAIMING DIVINE INSPIRATION, WHICH ARE NOW CONSIDERED GOSPEL TRUTH BY MANY CHRISTIANS, YET A NEW BOOK CLAIMING MORE DIRECT DIVINE ORIGIN IS NOT RECOGNIZED. THIS IS ALSO FUNNY---

Anyway, this scandalous ---EVEN MORE BIASED LANGUAGE. LAUGH, DAMN YOU!--- book eventually took a hold on the impressionable minds of the Arabian people, and convinced them to set up a corrupt theocracy that did not tolerate any deviation from its dogmatic beliefs. The Islamicist Church soon grew decadent, bloated, and despotic - quite unlike the idyllic Christian kingdoms which were blossoming at the same time in medieval Europe. How could a religious government, based on worship of a god who is alleged to be so forgiving and pure, become so corrupt, intolerant, and repressive? Maybe it's because the real God was unhappy with their conduct. This became evident when the Black Plague swept through Arabia, killing off countless Allah-ists while leaving the righteous people of Europe completely unscathed. ---THIS SECTION RELIES HEAVILY ON FACTUAL ERROR FOR HUMOR VALUE. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO SLEPT THROUGH 7TH-GRADE SOCIAL STUDIES: MEDIEVAL EUROPE WAS A CORRUPT, OPPRESIVE HELLHOLE. ARABIA WAS TOLERANT AND THRIVING IN COMPARISON. ALSO, THE BLACK PLAGUE KILLED A QUARTER OF THE EUROPEAN POPULATION. THE FACT THAT THE NARRATOR GIVES A HISTORICAL COUNT THAT IS BLATANTLY OPPOSITE OF REALITY IS EXTREMELY IRONIC AND FUNNY---

Belief in Allah brought evil to the world again when he commanded his hordes to unprovokedly attack the Christian city of Jerusalem during the Middle Ages. In response, the wise kings of Christian Europe, under the benevolent guidance of Pope Urban II, led their righteous armies of the Lord bravely into the villainous lands of Islamicism. The holy armies of Jesus fought bravely against the despicable legions of Arabia, and eventually won through in one of the most absolute victories in human history. The rulers of Europe, however, made one small error, when they mercifully allowed the Arab heathens to remain living in their so-called "holy lands". Without warning, the Arab armies broke the truce and callously murdered all the Christians there. The Europeans, mercifully, decided to turn the other cheek. That is why Islamers still live in that region today. ---THIS SECTION IS ALSO A BLATANT CONTRADICTION OF REALITY. EUROPEANS ACTED EVEN MORE BRUTALLY THAN MUSLIMS DID---

edit Today

Today Allah-worship still has a death-grip on the minds of people worldwide. His religion of Islamism is the sole reason for all of the suffering in the world today. All disease, all war, all tax fraud ---THE JUXTAPOSITIONING OF TAX FRAUD WITH DISEASE AND WAR IS HUMOROUS--- stems directly from his corrupt commandments. The ideas he represents are completely inimical to everything Christianity stands for. No Christian nation has ever invaded an innocent country without provocation, like the Islamites did. Our loving God and his devout worshippers have never engaged in any act of aggression that was not based on pure principle. ---NOTE: AMERICANS HAVE NEEDLESSLY INVADED OTHERS LOTS OF TIMES. MEXICO, VIETNAM, IRAQ, NORTH KOREA, CANA- FUCK, I'VE SAID TOO MUCH - YOU DIDN'T READ ANYTHING---

---META-NOTE: THE ABOVE NOTE IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT IMPLIES THAT AMERICA WILL INVADE CANADA, ITS TRADITIONAL ALLY. THIS NOTE IS NOT FUNNY---

The opposite, however, is true of the Islamics. For instance, did you know that the countless Islamist agitators currently destabilizing the nations of Arabia are there solely to disrupt the region's oil supply? It's true. That is why the good old U.S. of A. is sending troops over there now: to safeguard this important commodity from their greedy hands, and to replace their shaky, wartorn, martial lifestyle with a strong government based on sound, all-American principles. Of course, the Islamitic leaders oppose the good work we're doing. They claim that we are intruding on them, and they attack our troops even as they're making the region safe for our all-American ideals. This undeniably proves that Allah and his religion are naturally vengeful, hateful, and murderous, and out to get the old-fashioned, all-American Christian values that we strive to uphold. ---THIS PARAGRAPH MOCKS AMERICAN ATTEMPTS TO IMPOSE AMERICAN IDEALS ON ARABIC NATIONS. ALSO, IT CALLS INTO QUESTION OUR MOTIVES THERE, BY CLAIMING THAT THE MUSLIMS ARE THE ONES GREEDY FOR OIL. NOTE: IF YOU HAVEN'T REALIZED BY NOW THAT ANTI-MUSLIM STATEMENTS CAN BE APPLIED EQUALLY WELL TO US, THEN YOU ARE MENTALLY RETARDED---

edit Conclusion

---CAUTION: EXTREMELY OBVIOUS PARALLELISM UP AHEAD.---

In recent years the outrageous anti-Christian jihad has only grown in intensity. The aggressiveness of this "holy war" is characteristic of the religion that spawned it. The ultimate aim of the jihad is to invade every land in the world, destroy all traces of Christianity, make these places into bastions of Islamism and Allah-worship, and then to spread their lies even farther. There is no room for tolerance or coexistence in the religion of Islamism.

Genocide is the only way for them to seed the world with their evil. Their warlike and intolerant god commands it.

The only way for righteous followers of the Lord to protect themselves is to stop the scourge of Islamism at its source. The ultimate aim of our crusade must be to invade every land in the world, destroy all traces of the Islamistism, make these places into bastions of Christianity and Jesus-worship, and then to spread the Word of God even farther. There is no room for tolerance or coexistence with the religion of Islamism.

Genocide is the only way to cleanse the world of their evil. Our peaceful and tolerant God commands it.

Amen.

---THE "AMEN" IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT FLIES IN THE FACE OF THIS ARTICLE'S SUPPOSEDLY NEUTRAL TONE. IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, THIS ARTICLE IS JUST A TAD BIASED---

---ANOTHER META-NOTE: THE ABOVE STATEMENT DERIVES HUMOR VALUE FROM THE FACT THAT IT UNDERSTATES THE BIAS OF THE ARTICLE---

---META-META-NOTE: THE ABOVE ANNOTAION IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT RIDICULES THE ANNOTATION SYSTEM, JUST LIKE THIS ONE. THE NUMBER OF META-LEVELS WE CAN GO BEFORE IT STOPS BEING FUNNY CAN ONLY BE DETERMINED BY EMPIRICAL RESEARCH.---

---META-META-META-NOTE: SO WE'RE TRYING ANOTHER LEVEL TO SEE JUST HOW FAR WE CAN PUSH THIS... BY THE WAY, IT MIGHT BE MENTIONED THAT THE FACT THAT AN ANNOTATED VERSION OF THIS ARTICLE WAS MADE DEFEATS ITS PURPOSE SINCE IT IMPLIES THAT PEOPLE WHO MIGHT BE OUTRAGED BY IT (SOME MUSLIMS) ARE TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND THE HUMOR BEHIND IT, WHEREAS ALL THE JESUS-RELATED ARTICLES DO NOT NEED ANNOTATED VERSIONS BECAUSE CHRISTIANS UNDERSTAND THE HUMOR BEHIND THESE ARTICLES (OR IS IT BECAUSE THEY DON'T GIVE A DAMN?).---

---META-META-META-META-NOTE: THE ABOVE STATEMENT IS FUNNY (OR NOT) BECAUSE IT (POSSIBLY) MAKES FUN OF CHRISTIANS (OR PERHAPS IT DOESN'T).

---META-META-META-META-META-NOTE: THE ABOVE STATEMENT IS FUNNY (OR NOT) BECAUSE IT STATES THE OBVIOUS.

---META-META-META-META-META-META-NOTE: THE ABOVE STATEMENT IS FUNNY (OR NOT) BECAUSE ITS AUTHOR (THE SAME ONE IN THIS META META ... WHATEVER NOTE) IS FUCKING DRUNK (HONEST I SWEAR)."

---META-META-META-META-META-META-METAKNIGHT: Is widely considered to be OP, and has nothing to do with Allah.

Personal tools
projects