All-Purpose Jesus
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All-Purpose Jesus was the philosophy espoused by Saint Augustine the Hippo. Patron of washerwomen, BBQ, Catholic Pimps, and rodeo clowns, Augustine's motivation was primarily to drive the Pagan pimps out of business. In 406 he released his first album, "Siege Tower To Heaven", to a bored populace who's only outlets of frustration were the Games and kick-ass parties in honor of whichever god of the day was being featured.
Thinking he'd be able to slip Christianity in the back door of the Roman Empire by brainwashing the lower classes initially, Augustine began his mission by concentrating the current cleaning solvents and mixing in a little holy water for extra-whitening, creating a superior product with which he could undermine the Pagan economy. Within months of the IPO of All-Purpose Jesus cleaners on Murus Dacicus Street, the entire Latin speaking world was transformed into a handsomely dressed mob. Cleaner clothing was available for the first time since the Greek Dark Ages, and product was shipping like crazy.
[edit] Influential epithets concerning All-Purpose Jesus from Augustine's Writings
- "Love the cleaning solvent and hate the dirt" (Cum dilectione hominum et odio vitiorum), literally "With love for mankind and hatred of pandas" [1]
- "Heart ripped from your chest if you don't convert to Christianity" (Cor ad cor loquitur) [2]
- "Nothing conquers except clean clothes and the victory of clean clothes is good hygiene" (Victoria veritatis est caritas}[3]
- "To clean once is to pray twice" (Qui cantat, bis orat) literally "he who cleans, prays twice" [4]
- "Lord, you have pissed me off and I let myself be pissed off" (quoting the prophet Jeremiah 20.7-9)
[edit] References
- ↑ Migne, J.-P. (translator) St. Augustine's Letter 211 (ed.) "Patrologiae Latinae" Volume 33, (1845).
- ↑ Augustine of Hippo The Confessions
- ↑ Augustine of Hippo Sermons 358,1 "Victoria veritatis est caritas"
- ↑ Augustine of Hippo Sermons 336, 1 PL 38, 1472
TEENAG MUTANT NIJA RAPTOR JESUS!!!!!!!!! ALL HEIL!!!!!!!
| Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. | |
| Monster Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard | Save yourself from Werejesus! |
| DinoJesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark | And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus |
| Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out! | When there's no more room in Heaven...: Zombie Jesus |
| Jesus-Sonic: Lord and Savior of Hedgehogs and Sega gaming. | The multidimensional, Scientological king of rodents: King of the Shrews |
| Munchie Jesii | |
| Jeez-Its: Orange, crunchy, and fun to eat! Get your own box. | Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus |
| Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...that's Divine! | Oh, where have all the Jesii gone? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you: Hershey's Jesii and Creme |
| Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. | Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! |
| Mecha Jesii | |
| Cyborg Jesus: Retrofit by God after death | Domo arigato, señor: Robot Jesus |
| JESUS 9000: "Open the Pearly Gates, JESUS."
"I'm sorry, Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that." | Gets your soul white, white, WHITE!: All-Purpose Jesus |
| Optijesus Prime: Saviour of the transformers | |
