Alizée
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Alizée, which literally translates to "death by Chinese water torture" is also a nickname commonly used to describe the matriarch of the Perfect woman kingdom, is part of a rare species of human female, described by sources as "the hypothetical end result of if the French hadn't surrendered in World War 2 and if Napoleon had a vagina". Her main habitat is either Corsica or Paris, but she is frequently seen along the coast of East Quaintleby-next-the-Sea-thorpe, just keepin' it real. Alizée is a rare exception to the French Women species. Her powers include singing, dancing, smiling, controling large populations of people, stealing the souls of men, women, and children, being able to turn people inside-out by dancing a jig, and heart surgery. Alizée is considered by most religious leaders as an anomaly of the heavens - designed to be ordinary, but containing an extreme concentrate of perfection. God denies these accusations. David Lee Roth was famously coaxed out of Van Halen to act as guardian for Alizée - of the 599 attempts on Alizée's life made by jealous Tinkerbells, none have succeeded, at the cost of Mr. Lee Roth's hair, sobriety, and relevence to modern music. Her existence has led to the term "Alizée" in America. It is used to label any slutty French girl.
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[edit] Early Life
Though some sources put forth the theory that Alizée was created in a laboratory by the government, it is believed by most contemporary sources that Alizée was born in Ajaccio, Corsica in 1984. She is reported to have stolen her first soul at age 2, when an unfortunate young tot by the name of Timmy was sucked in as she shuffled to the sounds of Sesame Street. There is little information on her life from ages 1-13, primarily because everyone around to witness it is currently either comatose or Agent Orange, and Agent Orange ain't talkin' for nobody. On her 13th birthday it was decided by the International Committee of Universal Perfection (ICUP) that the dancin' prancin' Francin' lady was worthy of the mantle of Perfect woman, a designation that would change her life forever.
[edit] Career
At the age of 15, Alizée traveled to Paris to compete in a singing competition, of which there is no account because all present died when her turn came around. Sensing the seismic shock of Alizée's performance half the world away in Los Angeles, Mylene Farmer, otherwise known as the "Queen Latifah of the whites", coralled her minions and flew to France, meeting with Alizée and presenting a contract to record albums, tour the world, and harvest souls under her guidance. One of the mysterhdfies of Ms. Farmer's meeting is how she survived Alizée's power - upon investigation, it has been decided that it is because Ms. Farmer lacks a heart.
[edit] Gourmandises
The first album released by Farmer and Alizée, in the year 2000, was entitled Gourmandises, and had 8+ songs on it. The exact number of songs is unknown, as the human ear gives the fuck up on the eighth song, replacing the sounds of the album with a Rick Astley loop. This album is noted as the breakthrough of Alizée - 8,000,000 men, 4,300,000 women, and 200 bears are reported to have lost their souls to this album alone, and that's not even counting the number of head implosions. The blood of poor heterosexual men was running through the streets of Paris - the Alizée-machine had roared into life.
[edit] Mes Courants Électriques
Three years later, Farmer, who by now had evolved into the beginning stages of a Margaret Thatcher, teamed up with Alizée again to create their second album, Mes Courants Electriques. This album is considered a commercial failure in comparison to Gourmandises, but inquiries into the matter have decided that this is because very few people were left to buy the album - Gourmandises had left millions incapable of buying the album. The title of the record is reported to be in reference to rumors that Alizée is in fact a robot built to break France's streak of surrender, but is actually a reference to Alizée's love for computers and electroshock therapy. The first single of this album, J'en Ai Marre, was accompanied by a dance so liquidly sexual that forest fires began spontaneously breaking out in Siberia and Keanu Reeves was reported to have smiled at first glimpse. This dance is rumored to be the genesis of Blizzard's World of Warcraft, but after they realized some men are gay, they made it into a whole MMORPG game rather than just a game about Alizée's dancing.
[edit] Personal Life
In late 2003, she married Jérémy Chatelain, otherwise known as TFLJ (That F***ing Lucky Jérémy). After her marriage to Jérémy was made known, men around the world began clawing their faces into pulps, women regained their husbands, and Keanu Reeves shed a tear. Although this put Jérémy in great danger, causing Yassir Arafat to declare him "more of a nuisance than America" and Mafia bosses to place him on their hitlists, it was decided that it would be a sin to make Alizée unhappy, and Jérémy's life was saved. Today Jérémy is accepted by followers of Alizée, especially after he sired a daughter with her. In her free time, Alizée enjoys pancakes, pina coladas, long walks on the beach, and training her daughter to succeed her as Head Vixen of the Universe, continuing the role of Perfect woman in the family lineage as, it has been recently discovered, Jérémy Chatelain is the closest thing to the French Women species.
Before Jerm's Alizée had a boyfriend name Dick Hertz. After a month of dating Alizée caught Dick in bed with a German lederhosen tailor named Jack Hoff. Alizée was so disgusted by this she took Jack Hoff and riped his big German shmushtel off and fed it to Dick. Jack Hoff was than immediately thrown off a cliff to his death by Alizée. The police happened to see this but their cocks were to erect upon seeing Alizée and her beauty to chase her so they just let her go and forgot all about the crime. It is also rumored their snail cannons weren't functioning properly that day, but FUCKUP (The French Unified Company of Kinky Unintelligent Police) has denied this claim. Dick would learn his lesson and became Alizée's official bitch. He would remain Alizée's bitch until a few years later when he was replaced by Jérémy who is now the official bitch. No one knows what happened to Dick Hertz but it is assumed Alizée ate him alive. Alizée has stated many times that she liked Dick better than Jérémy because Jérémy has a super small dick. But she couldn't stand to have a fairy super speedo gaylord boyfriend which is why she is no longer with Dick. This would eventually lead into Alizée's deep hate of fairies, especially Tinkerbell (love hate relationship really). To compensate for Jérémy's small Shmushtel and lack of being a man, Alizée very rarely lets him get funky with her, instead he is to watch as she calls upon her vibrator to do what he can't. It is said by many that the only time Jérémy got anything done, it ended up in a mentally-incapable fuck-up mistaked baby. Alizée's response to that was "I love my baby girl very much, more than my idiot bitch. She was completely planned, I had my bitch practice on a blow up doll 2 times before he got to me and he still didnt know where to put it!"
[edit] Discography
- Alizée's Scandinavian Folk Collections (Der Gretest Hets) (900 AD)
- Supralizée (1000 AD)
- Alizée Music for the Union (not Confederate crappers) (1864 AD)
- Gourmandissing (Sweet Taunting) (2000 AD)
- Miss Currents the Electrician (2003 AD)
- Psycho Delicious (2007 AD)
- Cinco de Mayonnaise (collaboration with Flavor Flav) (2008 AD)
