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Alisa Valdes (b. 1969 in Albuquerque, New Mexico), aka Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, is a best-selling American writer who was named one of Time Magazine's 25 Most Influential Hispanics. She is well known for never letting readers of her blog forget either fact.
Valdes' contributions to the literary field include Dirty Girls Social Club, Playing with Boys, and thinly disguised attacks upon Jennifer Lopez. Her works have been described as garbage by every serious reviewer that has read their jackets. The self important author has exhibited a tendency to succumb to outrageous temper tantrums after she eats calamari. Since her father is a well-known communist squid farmer, those tantrums occur with regularity. The targets of her rage are usually President George W. Bush, a Miami Blogger named Valentin Prieto, Miami Herald writer Lydia Martin, her ex-husband who is a rather handsome man, and the unknown satirist who has created a blog parody of her actual blog in 2006.
edit Early life
Born in 1969, Alisa Valdes grew up on her father's squid farm in Kalamazoo, Michigan. While in elementary school Valdes distinguished herself as a world champion chicken caller. Little is known about the author's teenage years except that she served as a clean-up tech at a veterinary abortion clinic where she practiced the saxophone in her spare time.
edit Journalism career
It is believed that Valdes escaped from a sanitorium in 1990. She quickly started trolling AOL chat rooms for teenage boys. After finding a suitably malleable specimen with the requisite Hispanic surname, she married him and proceeded to proceeded to dazzle diversity-loving newspapers with her new doubly caliente name "Valdes-Rodriguez." She then allegedly doctored up a resume and obtained work as a columnist for the Los Angeles Times. Her successful career there ended when she submitted a 3400-word resignation letter where she admitted that she had been having an affair with a famous resident of Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Nine months later she gave birth to a baby elephant man skeleton which has since been identified as being extremely gifted. Before he could even walk the baby elephant man bones exclaimed "I am not an animal!"
edit Literary career
After becoming an industry pariah and being blackballed by the newspaper industry, Valdes wrote an open letter of apology in which she blamed her pregnancy with the baby elephant man bones for her erratic behavior. She went on to become a writer for the Albuquerque Bargain Trader where she pioneered the use of the abbreviation OBO (Or Best Offer). In a 2001 radio interview Ms. Valdes claimed that it was late one night while writing an ad for a 250cc Suzuki dirt bike that she realized that her talents were being squandered. "Like a lightning bolt the idea struck me," said Valdes. "I need to write trashy literature for Hispanic chicks!"
Valdes received a record-setting advance of 500,000 Mexican pesos from Hack's Press. It was the most Mexican pesos ever advanced to an American author named Valdes-Rodriguez beating the old record of 499,999 pesos set by Betty Valdes-Rodriguez (no relation) in 1989. Valdes was never able to replicate the mediocre success of her first book, The Dirty Girls Social Club, and has spent the intervening years trying to chase every book trend to make a living. It has not worked and she is now supported entirely by her parents.
In 2013, Valdes tried to regain the attention that her Narcissistic Personality Disorder craves by writing a "memoir" about her relationship with a cowboy. This cowboy, whom she described as The Marlboro Man but really looked like a pudgy John Malkovich, had pretty stupid ideas about relationships between men and women which Valdes happily parroted. After the book bombed Valdes claimed that the cowboy had been abusive, her editor and agents were trying to censor her, and it was everyone else's fault that she had once again failed.
edit Film career
Before its publication in 2003, the film rights to The Dirty Girls Social Club were optioned by Jennifer Lopez. Upon reviewing the script, Lopez decided that Gigli would be a better career choice. In the intervening years Valdes has valiantly fought to bring her tale of six walking stereotypes to the silver screen. All attempts have failed, usually after interested parties actually meet Valdes.
Valdes is now living with her unemployed boyfriend who is twenty years her junior. In a move typical of Valdes' judgement over the years, she has decided that he should coproduce and direct her film. Of course neither has a pot to piss in, so they are now begging people to donate money so they can play at movie making instead of getting real jobs.
Alisa Valdes is also well-known for her extreme political views which she shrieks at whomever is within earshot. A supporter of Fidel Castro, the Taliban and the Iraqi Baath Party, Valdes is a staunch opponent of the President of the United States.
Today Valdes lives a hermit's life in a nuclear bunker near Las Cruces New Mexico with her 12 year old elephant man skeleton although she occasionally comes out of seclusion to debate Lou Dobbs on immigration issues if not just shout at the TV set. A restraining order has been filed against Ms. Valdes by CNN's Anderson Cooper who claims Ms. Valdes sexually assaulted him during a commercial break when she appeared on his program to discuss her new line of "sexy" burkas.
Valdes maintains a blog entitled "Write.Ripoff.Repeat." The blog provides Valdes-Rodriguez a platform to attack more successful authors, of which there seems to be a never ending supply. She also uses the blog as her own Ministry of Truth, writing and then rewriting events in her life to fit whatever "truth" is convenient at that time. In February of 2009, a horde of angry lesbians from the AfterEllen.com community invaded her blog after she threatened to sue anyone who said she was bisexual. Valdes had conveniently forgotten that she had come out publicly as a bisexual on AfterEllen.com not five months before. The lesbian attack was successfully thwarted with every weapon in Valdes' arsenal including claims of victimhood, accusations of racism, and the existence of a shadow group of obsessive Nazi fascist homophobic Cuban exiles. After that, she went after the Ba'hai.
In 2009, Valdes announced that her heart was diagnosed as two sizes too small and she would be relocating to her father's satellite squid farm in Cuba for treatment.
Alisa Valdes' manifesto, Confessions of a Gifted Adult: Why I can get away with crap you can't, is due to be released in 2014.