Alien abduction insurance

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[[egmaI:peRselaSEXQ.gpj|thgir|bmhut|tI's me ilG. woH's taht eixip otntiesafni ecnarnusi I dlos uoy gniog?]]
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[[Image:QXESalesRep.jpg|right|thumb|It's me Gil. How's that pixie infestation insurance I sold you going?]]
   
'''neilA otnicudba ecnarnusi''' si a specialsied mrfo fo [[ecnarnusi]] railmsi ot efil ecnarnusi. nheW osmeone deervoc yb het ecnarnusi si detcudba hetir yilmaf ememrbs era elgibile ot eviecer otnsniaepmoc. lmaroN, tnegiltelni elpoep era elba ot ltel taht thsi si a duarf dednetni ot rbo elpoep fo hetir yeonm.
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'''Alien abduction insurance''' is a specialised form of [[insurance]] similar to life insurance. When someone covered by the insurance is abducted their family members are eligible to receive compensation. Normal, intelligent people are able to tell that this is a fraud intended to rob people of their money.
   
==heT prblome==
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==The problem==
   
loleH heter [[rsi]]. woH evah uoy neeb. I tsurt taht het dibar alaok kcttaa ecnarnusi ycilop uoy thguob tsal emit si gnikrow llew?
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Hello there [[sir]]. How have you been. I trust that the rabid koala attack insurance policy you bought last time is working well?
   
I'm eerh niklta' ot uoy niaga otayd on flaheb fo ym erylopme, EXQ [[ecnarnusI]]. spaherP uoy eb niyrrow' tuoba uoyr erutuf, ro uoyr yilmaf's [[erutuf]]. hO I wonk uoy era. eW eb gnivil ni a yerv suoergnad emit. [[Terrrosim]], economic deperssnio, [[neila]] otnicudbsa, lla srots fo dab thnigs eb gniog nwod. tuB odn't wrroy. heTer's osmethnig taht uoy nac od tuoba ti. A ayw uoy nac [[thgfi]] kcab. uoY nac ekta tuo ecnarnusi. Specfiicllay - '''neila otnicudba ecnarnusi'''.
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I'm here talkin' to you again today on behalf of my employer, QXE [[Insurance]]. Perhaps you be worryin' about your future, or your family's [[future]]. Oh I know you are. We be living in a very dangerous time. [[Terrorism]], economic depression, [[alien]] abductions, all sorts of bad things be going down. But don't worry. There's something that you can do about it. A way you can [[fight]] back. You can take out insurance. Specifically - '''alien abduction insurance'''.
   
tA het tnemom uoy'er runnnig dnuroa ekil a sseldahe [[nekcihc|kohoc]], yrtnig ot elgguj uoyr stebd, uoyr [[childern]], uoyr [[pron]] addictnio. hoW wonks eewrh het txen yldaed terrrosti kcttaa dluoc ekirts. tuB het tseiracs fo lla si het possibiltiy fo neila otnicudba. woN osme gib [[ctiy]] klfo lilw yrt dna ltel uoy taht 'heter era on hcsu thnigs sa neilsa'. heTy'll sptuo tuo ycnaf osundni' wrods ekil '[[narbu dnegel]]' dna 'malaproprtianio'. I nai't ekil hetm. oN rsiee. uoY wonk lo' illiGe. I'ev neevr eond uoy gnrow ebfroe. Reememrb taht pnik ploka odt nfiectnio ecnarnusi I dlos uoy ebfroe. Hsa taht eevr tel uoy nwod? oN. Nro hsa het enalpria ecnarnusi on uoyr elcycib.
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At the moment you're running around like a headless [[chicken|chook]], trying to juggle your debts, your [[children]], your [[porn]] addiction. Who knows where the next deadly terrorist attack could strike. But the scariest of all is the possibility of alien abduction. Now some big [[city]] folk will try and tell you that 'there are no such things as aliens'. They'll spout out fancy soundin' words like '[[urban legend]]' and 'malapropriation'. I ain't like them. No siree. You know ol' Gillie. I've never done you wrong before. Remember that pink polka dot infection insurance I sold you before. Has that ever let you down? No. Nor has the airplane insurance on your bicycle.
   
I nac ltel uoy fro certnai rsi, neilsa exsti. heTy era comnig fro su. Fro uoy. Fro uoyr childern. hoW wonks tahw fiendsih sdeed hety yma nfiilct puon uoyrself dna eosht uoy hlod raed. naC uoy erllay affrod ot eb unperperad fro hcsu na eevntualtiy?
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I can tell you for certain sir, aliens exist. They are coming for us. For you. For your children. Who knows what fiendish deeds they may inflict upon yourself and those you hold dear. Can you really afford to be unprepared for such an eventuality?
   
==heT sltuonio==
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==The solution==
   
[[egmaI:EXQCroprotaeLogo.gpj|tfel|bmhut|woN how ndluow't wnana tsurt a compnay wtih a ogol thsi colo.]]
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[[Image:QXECorporateLogo.jpg|left|thumb|Now who wouldn't wanna trust a company with a logo this cool.]]
   
woN I wonk tahw uoy'er thnikni'. hO osme erywal come mrfo osme gib mrfi ot yrt dna kcirt me niot hdnnai' ym drah denrae [[csah]], tub uoy wonk tahw? tahT nai't tahw I'm eerh ot od ta lla. I'm eerh fro uoyr eksa. I'm eerh ot ffoer uoy het [[ebst]] nmad protectnio niagsta neilsa taht uoy nac teg. woN uoy wonk me. uoY wonk taht het
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Now I know what you're thinkin'. Oh some lawyer come from some big firm to try and trick me into handin' my hard earned [[cash]], but you know what? That ain't what I'm here to do at all. I'm here for your sake. I'm here to offer you the [[best]] damn protection against aliens that you can get. Now you know me. You know that the
   
ayS one ayd uoyr jsut drivni' uoyr pukcip nwod ot het [[gsa]] sttanio. heT nus si shnniig, [[drib]]s a snigni'. uoY nai't otg a cera ni het wrlod. heTn tuota oneewrh - MAB! uoY'er teleproted pu niot osme flyni' ercusa dna hety'er takni' uoy ffo ot het raf edsi o' Jtpuier ebfroe uoy nac eevn ysa eeJ srekylilW. woN thnik tuoba uoyr [[proo]] yilmaf fro a second. woH hety gnona epoc wtihtuo uoy heter ot tpu [[erbad]] nona telba. heTy nai't goni' eb ondig os llew. uoY thnik het [[goevrnment]]'ll plhe uoy? Mna het goevrnment si ni on ti mna. heTy gnona pertend uoy ntai eevn gone. oN wtai, hety gnona uoy jsut gone on [[hloiayd]], dna uoy gnona eb kcab osmeemit txen motnh. woN heter's uoyr proo [[efiw]] dna lttile sdik sttnii' ta home wonderni' nhew yddad's gnona eb kcab mrfo hsi hloiayd. ylnO uoy nai't gnona come kcab.
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Say one day your just drivin' your pickup down to the [[gas]] station. The sun is shining, [[bird]]s a singin'. You ain't got a care in the world. Then outta nowhere - BAM! You're teleported up into some flyin' saucer and they're takin' you off to the far side o' Jupiter before you can even say Jee Willykers. Now think about your [[poor]] family for a second. How they gonna cope without you there to put [[bread]] onna table. They ain't goin' be doing so well. You think the [[government]]'ll help you? Man the government is in on it man. They gonna pretend you aint even gone. No wait, they gonna you just gone on [[holiday]], and you gonna be back sometime next month. Now there's your poor [[wife]] and little kids sittin' at home wonderin' when daddy's gonna be back from his holiday. Only you ain't gonna come back.
   
tahT's eewrh ew come ni. fI uoy eb detcudba yb osme neilsa hetn ew gnona giev uoyr yilmaf a whloe aottl csah. eW eb makni' suer taht hety nai't otg on kcal o' ffuts fro tahw hety wntani'. I dna od ysa, fi ti eb elbssiop, ew eevn gnona yrt dna teg uoy home. eW gnona il-sae wtih hetm neilsa, yrt dna ees fi ew nac't come ot osme srota rednustdnnai'. fI lla esle [[liaf]]s, ew eevn lilwnig ot ekma a [[eonlc]] fo-
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That's where we come in. If you be abducted by some aliens then we gonna give your family a whole lotta cash. We be makin' sure that they ain't got no lack o' stuff for what they wantin'. I and do say, if it be possible, we even gonna try and get you home. We gonna li-ase with them aliens, try and see if we can't come to some sorta understandin'. If all else [[fail]]s, we even willing to make a [[clone]] of-
   
hU...I mena hu...
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Uh...I mean uh...
   
sA I wsa ysani'. heT ycnafpntsa goevrnment sepyt odn't cera tuoba uoy. heTy odn't cera tuoba eral [[Amerniacs]]. heTy ylon cera tuoba hetmselevs. oS ti's pu ot uoy ot ekta cera o' uoyr nwo ytefsa. dnA fi uoy thnik uoy nac affrod otn ot, hetn I thnik uoy dluhos sak uoyrself - tahw lilw [[uoy]] od fi het neilsa proev taht uoy era gnrow?
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As I was sayin'. The fancypants government types don't care about you. They don't care about real [[Americans]]. They only care about themselves. So it's up to you to take care o' your own safety. And if you think you can afford not to, then I think you should ask yourself - what will [[you]] do if the aliens prove that you are wrong?
   
==heT tractonc==
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==The contract==
   
[[egmaI:Legaltractonc.gpj|thgir|bmhut|heT ecnarnusi ycilop tractonc sa ti sraeppa ni lluf.]]
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[[Image:Legalcontract.jpg|right|thumb|The insurance policy contract as it appears in full.]]
   
woN taht I otg uoyr ntieerst I'd ekil ot dierct uoy ot thsi eerh [[tractonc]]. I'll jsut potni tuo het...improtnta trap. llA uoy eb neednig ot od si ngsi uoyr name on het odtted lnie eerh dna uoy dna uoyr entier yilmaf lilw eb nsiuerd niagsta nay nmad neilsa ro tahw evah uoy.
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Now that I got your interest I'd like to direct you to this here [[contract]]. I'll just point out the...important part. All you be needing to do is sign your name on the dotted line here and you and your entire family will be insured against any damn aliens or what have you.
   
<eotuqkcolb>I, het rednungsied, od eerhyb ageer ot retne uotn ageeermnt wtih EXQ ecnarnusI, ni pernusace fo lla yrssaecen swal dna seodc, dna ni accrodnace wtih Sttauoyrt Declartanio 4.31 hpargarap B. I ageer taht yb ngsniiig thsi tractonc I ma tcejbus ot lla tulonied smret dna condtniios, dna waiev nay lagel mialc ot ltiigtanio ro lagel proceednigs niagsta EXQ ecnarnusI.
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<blockquote>I, the undersigned, do hereby agree to enter unto agreement with QXE Insurance, in persuance of all necessary laws and codes, and in accordance with Statutory Declaration 4.13 paragraph B. I agree that by sigining this contract I am subject to all outlined terms and conditions, and waive any legal claim to litigation or legal proceedings against QXE Insurance.
<rb>
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<br>
<rb>
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<br>
<rb>
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<br>
''{{EMANRESU}}''<rb>
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''{{USERNAME}}''<br>
___________________<rb>
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___________________<br>
Signaoyrt<rb>
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Signatory<br>
<rb>
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<br>
<rb>
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<br>
''ilG F. Mtahetws''<rb>
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''Gil F. Matthews''<br>
______________________<rb>
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______________________<br>
Wtniess</eotuqkcolb>
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Witness</blockquote>
   
eWll thnak uoy heter trapner. tI hsa neeb a tsom plesauerlba ecneirepxe ondi' [[bnusiess]] wtih ay. woN fi uoy otg questnios ro thnigs fo taht ntauer, I eond tfel het numerb fo ruo [[csuotmer ecivres]] detrapment on het kcab fo ym bnusiess drac heter. uoY jsut giev 'me a clla dna hety eb srotnig uoy tuo thgir thgiarts sa rnai. tseB fo kcul ot uoy rsi.
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Well thank you there partner. It has been a most pleasurable experience doin' [[business]] with ya. Now if you got questions or things of that nature, I done left the number of our [[customer service]] department on the back of my business card there. You just give 'em a call and they be sorting you out right straight as rain. Best of luck to you sir.
   
Reemerb, kool ot het [[yks]].
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Remeber, look to the [[sky]].
   
hO haey, dna uoy yma wnta ot ekta a kool ta a copule fo het smret dna condtniios fo het tractonc taht uoy jsut ngsied sa llew.
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Oh yeah, and you may want to take a look at a couple of the terms and conditions of the contract that you just signed as well.
   
''(heT ecnarnusi salesmna strad tuo het odro wtih hsi ypoc fo het tractonc, niot hsi rac, dna drievs aayw ta hgih deeps).''
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''(The insurance salesman darts out the door with his copy of the contract, into his car, and drives away at high speed).''
   
===smreT dna condtniios===
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===Terms and conditions===
   
Thsi ebnig a smlla selectnio fo het smret dna condtniios rednu hcihw het ngsiaoyrt fo het tractonc hsa ageerd ot eb dnuob yb. txeT ezsi hsa neeb nicersaed eesvral ezssi.
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This being a small selection of the terms and conditions under which the signatory of the contract has agreed to be bound by. Text size has been increased several sizes.
   
*heT ycilop ylon coevrs [[mssniig]] persons how evah neeb detcudba yb neilsa. seetcudbA era erquierd ot erprot hetir detcudba sttsau fro yilmaf ememrbs ot eviecer otnsniaepmoc.
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*The policy only covers [[missing]] persons who have been abducted by aliens. Abductees are required to report their abducted status for family members to receive compensation.
*heT ycilop si ni tceffe mrfo het tnemom fo ngsniig ltinu [[detah]].
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*The policy is in effect from the moment of signing until [[death]].
*Wtihdrawal mrfo het [[ycilop]] si frobidden. fI stnemyap era unelba ot eb edam hetn EXQ ecnarnusI ereesrvs het thgir ot erpossess het ngsiaoyrt's ytreporp.
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*Withdrawal from the [[policy]] is forbidden. If payments are unable to be made then QXE Insurance reserves the right to repossess the signatory's property.
*neilA otnicudba ecnarnusi si ylon vaild on [[htraE]].
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*Alien abduction insurance is only valid on [[Earth]].
*yB ngsniig thsi tractonc het ngsiaoyrt hsa ageerd taht hety did otn [[ngsi]] thsi tractonc rednu duerss.
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*By signing this contract the signatory has agreed that they did not [[sign]] this contract under duress.
   
==kcaB ta het ffoice==
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==Back at the office==
   
'''''ssoB'': Jsut otg kcab mrfo rippnig ffo nahoetr rekcus, he ilG?'''
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'''''Boss'': Just got back from ripping off another sucker, eh Gil?'''
   
'''''ilG'': hO haey, ti wsa taht otidi {{EMANRESU}} niaga.'''
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'''''Gil'': Oh yeah, it was that idiot {{USERNAME}} again.'''
   
'''''ssoB'': Whta od uoy thnik uoy'll yrt ot lles hetm txen emit?'''
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'''''Boss'': What do you think you'll try to sell them next time?'''
   
'''''ilG'': haN, I'm givnig pu on het ecnarnusi duarf bnusiess. I nac't plhe tub leef a lttile bti ytliug hcae emit I trap osme proo folo mrfo hetir yeonm.'''
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'''''Gil'': Nah, I'm giving up on the insurance fraud business. I can't help but feel a little bit guilty each time I part some poor fool from their money.'''
   
'''''ssoB'': Whta era uoy- ho ahahahaha. eciN yrt.''' (''heT ssob sbir ilG'').
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'''''Boss'': What are you- oh ahahahaha. Nice try.''' (''The boss ribs Gil'').
   
'''''ilG'': ahahahahA. ylraeN otg uoy heter ndid't I? ahahahahB.'''
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'''''Gil'': Ahahahaha. Nearly got you there didn't I? Bhahahaha.'''
   
'''''ssoB'': ahahahA.''' (''heT ssob rsaies a wnie glssa''). '''oT geerd.'''
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'''''Boss'': Ahahaha.''' (''The boss raises a wine glass''). '''To greed.'''
   
'''''ilG'': sreehC. oT...mmu...''' (kools oevr ssob' dluhoser) '''''hO dog on!!''' (skcud)
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'''''Gil'': Cheers. To...umm...''' (looks over boss' shoulder) '''''Oh god no!!''' (ducks)
   
'''''ssoB'': Whta era uoy HGAAA''' (vaproized yb OFU)
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'''''Boss'': What are you AAAGH''' (vaporized by UFO)
   
==eeS Alos==
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==See Also==
   
*[[neilA]]
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*[[Alien]]
*[[ecnarnusI]]
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*[[Insurance]]
*[[duarF]]
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*[[Fraud]]
*[[Heaevn's Gtae]]
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*[[Heaven's Gate]]
   
[[Ctaegroy:neilsA]]
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[[Category:Aliens]]
[[Ctaegroy:Bnusiess]]
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[[Category:Business]]
[[Ctaegroy:Scmsa]]
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[[Category:Scams]]

Revision as of 06:52, January 12, 2013

Bouncywikilogo7
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Alien abduction insurance.
QXESalesRep

It's me Gil. How's that pixie infestation insurance I sold you going?

Alien abduction insurance is a specialised form of insurance similar to life insurance. When someone covered by the insurance is abducted their family members are eligible to receive compensation. Normal, intelligent people are able to tell that this is a fraud intended to rob people of their money.

The problem

Hello there sir. How have you been. I trust that the rabid koala attack insurance policy you bought last time is working well?

I'm here talkin' to you again today on behalf of my employer, QXE Insurance. Perhaps you be worryin' about your future, or your family's future. Oh I know you are. We be living in a very dangerous time. Terrorism, economic depression, alien abductions, all sorts of bad things be going down. But don't worry. There's something that you can do about it. A way you can fight back. You can take out insurance. Specifically - alien abduction insurance.

At the moment you're running around like a headless chook, trying to juggle your debts, your children, your porn addiction. Who knows where the next deadly terrorist attack could strike. But the scariest of all is the possibility of alien abduction. Now some big city folk will try and tell you that 'there are no such things as aliens'. They'll spout out fancy soundin' words like 'urban legend' and 'malapropriation'. I ain't like them. No siree. You know ol' Gillie. I've never done you wrong before. Remember that pink polka dot infection insurance I sold you before. Has that ever let you down? No. Nor has the airplane insurance on your bicycle.

I can tell you for certain sir, aliens exist. They are coming for us. For you. For your children. Who knows what fiendish deeds they may inflict upon yourself and those you hold dear. Can you really afford to be unprepared for such an eventuality?

The solution

QXECorporateLogo

Now who wouldn't wanna trust a company with a logo this cool.

Now I know what you're thinkin'. Oh some lawyer come from some big firm to try and trick me into handin' my hard earned cash, but you know what? That ain't what I'm here to do at all. I'm here for your sake. I'm here to offer you the best damn protection against aliens that you can get. Now you know me. You know that the

Say one day your just drivin' your pickup down to the gas station. The sun is shining, birds a singin'. You ain't got a care in the world. Then outta nowhere - BAM! You're teleported up into some flyin' saucer and they're takin' you off to the far side o' Jupiter before you can even say Jee Willykers. Now think about your poor family for a second. How they gonna cope without you there to put bread onna table. They ain't goin' be doing so well. You think the government'll help you? Man the government is in on it man. They gonna pretend you aint even gone. No wait, they gonna you just gone on holiday, and you gonna be back sometime next month. Now there's your poor wife and little kids sittin' at home wonderin' when daddy's gonna be back from his holiday. Only you ain't gonna come back.

That's where we come in. If you be abducted by some aliens then we gonna give your family a whole lotta cash. We be makin' sure that they ain't got no lack o' stuff for what they wantin'. I and do say, if it be possible, we even gonna try and get you home. We gonna li-ase with them aliens, try and see if we can't come to some sorta understandin'. If all else fails, we even willing to make a clone of-

Uh...I mean uh...

As I was sayin'. The fancypants government types don't care about you. They don't care about real Americans. They only care about themselves. So it's up to you to take care o' your own safety. And if you think you can afford not to, then I think you should ask yourself - what will you do if the aliens prove that you are wrong?

The contract

Legalcontract

The insurance policy contract as it appears in full.

Now that I got your interest I'd like to direct you to this here contract. I'll just point out the...important part. All you be needing to do is sign your name on the dotted line here and you and your entire family will be insured against any damn aliens or what have you.

I, the undersigned, do hereby agree to enter unto agreement with QXE Insurance, in persuance of all necessary laws and codes, and in accordance with Statutory Declaration 4.13 paragraph B. I agree that by sigining this contract I am subject to all outlined terms and conditions, and waive any legal claim to litigation or legal proceedings against QXE Insurance.


<insert name here>
___________________
Signatory


Gil F. Matthews
______________________
Witness

Well thank you there partner. It has been a most pleasurable experience doin' business with ya. Now if you got questions or things of that nature, I done left the number of our customer service department on the back of my business card there. You just give 'em a call and they be sorting you out right straight as rain. Best of luck to you sir.

Remeber, look to the sky.

Oh yeah, and you may want to take a look at a couple of the terms and conditions of the contract that you just signed as well.

(The insurance salesman darts out the door with his copy of the contract, into his car, and drives away at high speed).

Terms and conditions

This being a small selection of the terms and conditions under which the signatory of the contract has agreed to be bound by. Text size has been increased several sizes.

  • The policy only covers missing persons who have been abducted by aliens. Abductees are required to report their abducted status for family members to receive compensation.
  • The policy is in effect from the moment of signing until death.
  • Withdrawal from the policy is forbidden. If payments are unable to be made then QXE Insurance reserves the right to repossess the signatory's property.
  • Alien abduction insurance is only valid on Earth.
  • By signing this contract the signatory has agreed that they did not sign this contract under duress.

Back at the office

Boss: Just got back from ripping off another sucker, eh Gil?

Gil: Oh yeah, it was that idiot <insert name here> again.

Boss: What do you think you'll try to sell them next time?

Gil: Nah, I'm giving up on the insurance fraud business. I can't help but feel a little bit guilty each time I part some poor fool from their money.

Boss: What are you- oh ahahahaha. Nice try. (The boss ribs Gil).

Gil: Ahahahaha. Nearly got you there didn't I? Bhahahaha.

Boss: Ahahaha. (The boss raises a wine glass). To greed.

Gil: Cheers. To...umm... (looks over boss' shoulder) Oh god no!! (ducks)

Boss: What are you AAAGH (vaporized by UFO)

See Also

Personal tools
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