Alien abduction

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This poor alien family only came to Earth to see the locations where Shallow Hal was filmed, yet they have been locked up for 3 years.

Someone decided to steal this alien for questioning, when it was clear she did nothing wrong.

The phenomenon of Alien abduction is a dark stain on human-alien relations.

Every year, many innocent, fun-loving aliens visit Earth. They come here to see the sights, maybe take in a movie, possibly visit a nice restaurant or two, and score a good deal at Nordstroms, as well as any pharmacies holding going out of business sales. Unfortunately, many aliens when visiting farming or countryside locations unwittingly fall into the hands of a low IQ species of human, known to aliens as yokels and red staters, but on the distant planet Kibosh, the yokels are also known as "trailer park in-breds."

[edit] Misunderstandings

This message in Sussex, England was totally misunderstood by Earthians. It reads (in Valkingo): "Howdy! Can you show us where 'Mary Poppins' was filmed?"

Alas, various misunderstandings can take place. In one well-documented incident in 1973, in Arkansas USA, a yokel-wife mistook a simple speech translator as an anal probe. The embarrassed aliens spent weeks washing the thing before it was clean.

With misunderstanding comes suspicion, as local authorities are often notified of the vacationing aliens by the confused yokels, and the aliens handed into the care of the police. The police, not knowing how to respond to requests such as: "Where is a restaurant that serves food to the xercfa-intolerant", or: "I'd like to take a photo of you shaking hands with that cow", often sentence the aliens to jail and throw away the key.

Currently there are 427 aliens that have been abducted in this fashion, and are languishing in jails around the globe. This, of course, doesn't take into account any of the aliens eaten by the French.

[edit] The Time-Space Continuum

Most alien abductions happen on Earth, but a select few do occasionally occur in the time-space continuum. These piratical captures of mostly-innocent extraterrestrial species are commonly executed by Canadians. The Canadanian commander is fabled to resemble ex-Senator John Kerry, but confirmations of this fact still elude America's leading scientists. The break in the time-space continuum is a popular hangout for many aliens, and the Canadians capture the poor creatures mercilessly and without a trial by jury.

[edit] Probage

There have been many instances where "Abductees" have told stories of being probed by alien beings. There is much controversy around this issue as many (if not all) of these claimants are unquestionably insane and all are either forcibly admitted to looney bins or shunned by their friends, family and society in general. The probe devices vary from microchips implanted under people's skin, to detailed accounts of anal probes being forced through the anus and into the rectum. Some of these nutcases have even admitted to having consentual sex with and alien, becoming pregnant, and having an elaborate legal battle over custody. This resulted in the alien mother getting every second weekend. The knocked up father broke a world record for most children birthed from a male (This alien species has been known to produce up to 53 offspring in one litter) .

[edit] Primary Document:First Hand Experiance

It was midnight, and the pulsing of the raindrops on my flat's tin roof usually drowned out any noises I might hear during the night. Tonight, however, was not what one might call a "normal" night. It began when I realized, earlier in the day, that the cicadas in my garden were chirping in morse code. It took me quite a few minutes to decipher what they were telling me, because it had been awhile since I'd been in the Foreign Legion, but I eventually realized that they were whispering "run". Shaking my head dismissively, I went back to constructing my tin foil helmet in my bedroom. After my helm was completed, I traveled to the Bedouins that always camp out on the perimeter of my kingdom. I traded them 500 lentil beans in exchange for a pretty amulet. Following this exchange, I ate one of the local specimens of flora, a desert flower that is known to increase spiritual enlightenment. After consuming this flower, I saw a spherical object descending from the heavens. Soon enough, I realized that I was paralyzed, and couldn't run away. This is the last thing I can remember for sure, but when I awoke, I had pain in several regions not even James's mom can go to, and that's when I realized I must've been abducted by Viking aliens from Mars. I can produce thermal rays from my anus, now.