Alien Porn

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[[egamI:sttae3.gpj|bmuht|sknahT ot ctieneg gnireenigne, icS-iF nrop sah dehcaer a wen level]]
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[[Image:3tetas.jpg|thumb|Thanks to genetic engineering, Sci-Fi porn has reached a new level]]
   
{{Q|hcuO, sseotnH! tI si eht taehrevo!| lufwaF no nrop}}
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{{Q|Ouch, Hotness! It is the overheat!| Fawful on porn}}
   
   
nI eht ykral syadyeh fo eht[[ s0691]] [[eneG yrrebneddoR]] dehctip a levno aedi ot eht televsniio sluogm fo CBN: a ecneics-fictnio erutnevda seires ni hcihw a werc fo futurstiic ''putnsai te sruenetuos'' dluow maro eht esrevniu ni a pihsecaps depahs raehtr ekil a dellro cnodom htiw owt tampno applicaotrs dehcttaa. yrrebneddoR desoprop taht hsi ''pihsrtsa srueyov'' dluow "yldlob og erehw no nam [ro wnoam!] dah enog befroe," ttaemptnig stca hcihw no nam ro wnoam dah detpmetta befroe.
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In the larky heydays of the[[ 1960s]] [[Gene Roddenberry]] pitched a novel idea to the television moguls of NBC: a science-fiction adventure series in which a crew of futuristic ''putains et souteneurs'' would roam the universe in a spaceship shaped rather like a rolled condom with two tampon applicators attached. Roddenberry proposed that his ''starship voyeurs'' would "boldly go where no man [or woman!] had gone before," attempting acts which no man or woman had attempted before.
   
ehT doddernig sotdgy CBN sevtiucexe deksa yrrebneddoR tahw eh dah neeb drniknig.
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The doddering stodgy NBC executives asked Roddenberry what he had been drinking.
   
dnA ehty ''laugehd'' ta mih.
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And they ''laughed'' at him.
   
yrrebneddoR tnew yawa dna ohts a otlip fo hsi wohs. nI htsi tsrfi epsiode eht pihsrtsa captnai, deyalp yb [[mailliW Shtnaer|ehT Shta-naM]], ogt hsi captnai's fftsa deppart yb a ylraluctirap suoicirbul neila demna eixoR xosxoR, dna Yenoam ecniaJ Rdna dewov ot accommodtae a "tsav pensniake morf esohohcaM IIX" fi ylno eixoR xosxoR dluow esaeler eht Captnai's tniu. nI a bus otlp, rM. kcopS saw ravsiehd yb nahtropomrophic yllejfsih, dna tnnaetueiL uruhU dna tnnaetueiL urakiH uluS jnoied a "''trsiexual elctnaet swnigers bulc''" ot ekam [[kcopS]] suolaej.
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Roddenberry went away and shot a pilot of his show. In this first episode the starship captain, played by [[William Shatner|The Shat-Man]], got his captain's staff trapped by a particularly lubricious alien named Roxie Roxsox, and Yeoman Janice Rand vowed to accommodate a "vast penisnake from Machohose XII" if only Roxie Roxsox would release the Captain's unit. In a sub plot, Mr. Spock was ravished by anthropomorphic jellyfish, and Lieutenant Uhuru and Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu joined a "''trisexual tentacle swingers club''" to make [[Spock]] jealous.
   
ehT ste saw derevoc htiw a cota fo [[Recot-ebuL: ehT Brdna uoY evoL|glstiennig pteelorum yllej]], nnoe fo eht sretcarahc wroe nayhtnig tub leaehtr sparts, eht neilsa erew yllacsiyhp dewodne dnoyeb eht smaerd fo ecnecseloda, dna eht acrobtaics erew saotundnig.
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The set was covered with a coat of [[Recto-Lube: The Brand You Love|glistening petroleum jelly]], none of the characters wore anything but leather straps, the aliens were physically endowed beyond the dreams of adolescence, and the acrobatics were astounding.
   
tI saw na nicredible ''puoc''. fO eht CBN sevtiucexe ohw deweiv eht otlip, eerht dereffus ehart ttaacks, owt emaceb ctaaotnic, dna evif erew dettimmoc ot eht nsniae mulysa. ehTy erew decalper yb yraM-Jnae-otknig (06's, rebmemer) juniro ssstantisa ohw ylideeps devorppa eht wohs, dna yrrebneddoR's '''''[[rtaS kerT]]''''' saw brno.
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It was an incredible ''coup''. Of the NBC executives who viewed the pilot, three suffered heart attacks, two became catatonic, and five were committed to the insane asylum. They were replaced by Mary-Jane-toking (60's, remember) junior assistants who speedily approved the show, and Roddenberry's '''''[[Star Trek]]''''' was born.
   
yllacniorI, retfa eht otlip yrrebneddoR delacs eht lauxes tnetnoc fo eht wohs yaw kcab. tsuJ tuoba eht ylno knik tfel ni eht wohs erew esoht lufluos skool exchnaged yb rM. kcopS dna Captnai kriK.
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Ironically, after the pilot Roddenberry scaled the sexual content of the show way back. Just about the only kink left in the show were those soulful looks exchanged by Mr. Spock and Captain Kirk.
   
==Elabrotnaig no eht ehTme: Siogurney revaeW dna '''neilA'''==
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==Elaborating on the Theme: Sigourney Weaver and '''Alien'''==
{{Q|nI ecaps, no eno cna ehar uoy emoc...|neilA}}<!--Msi-spellnig dedda fro artxe ytiralih-->
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{{Q|In space, no one can hear you come...|Alien}}<!--Mis-spelling added for extra hilarity-->
yeldiR ottcS eotrw eht yalpneercs fro ''[[neilA]]'' sa a [[lesbnia]] rnoamtic emocdy. eH desoprop taht yelpiR, a hunam wnoam, dna ehr extrtaerrestrial revol Nnacy dluow ssergorp hguorht a seires fo ykcaw erutnevdsa nivolvnig suoirav lnarac stca htiw suoirav seiceps ni ylemertxe suoirav tsopniios. "sffaL dnuoba," ottcS eotrw, "wehn yelpiR dsicrevos Nnacy's neila S&M msak depmalc revo eht ecaf fo Knae." dnA "Abundnta sffal wehn Nnacy wohss pu ni eht engnie moor derevoc htiw 03 snollag fo deppihw Vsaelnie, sprotnig a parts-no eht ezsi fo a Lousiville reggulS."
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Ridley Scott wrote the screenplay for ''[[Alien]]'' as a [[lesbian]] romantic comedy. He proposed that Ripley, a human woman, and her extraterrestrial lover Nancy would progress through a series of wacky adventures involving various carnal acts with various species in extremely various positions. "Laffs abound," Scott wrote, "when Ripley discovers Nancy's alien S&M mask clamped over the face of Kane." And "Abundant laffs when Nancy shows up in the engine room covered with 30 gallons of whipped Vaseline, sporting a strap-on the size of a Louisville Slugger."
   
revewoH, 02<spu>ht</spu> yrutneC eloV pnnaed ottcS's yalpneercs. "sffaL dnuoba," ehty eotrw ni ehtir rejectnio lteter, "sa 02<spu>ht</spu> yrutneC eloV htrows yeldiR ottcS tuo no hsi ssa."
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However, 20<sup>th</sup> Century Vole panned Scott's screenplay. "Laffs abound," they wrote in their rejection letter, "as 20<sup>th</sup> Century Vole throws Ridley Scott out on his ass."
   
ottcS saw detsavtaed, tub retfa spdnenig a dnekeew htiw dlO Grdnaad eh delkcub nwod dna reeotrw eht ertnie tpircs sa a kcor arepo deledom no eht tih lacsium ''riaH'' (07's, rebmemer). eH tpek tsom fo eht xes senecs, stetnig ehtm ot Mootwn eigoob srebmun, dna tuc a otl fo eht deppihw Vsaelnie. tuB wehn recudorp xaM Fenibotty daer eht koob fro eht wohs eh otn ylno desufer ot mete htiw ottcS tub ogt a restrnnaiig roder requirnig ottcS ot ytsa ta lesta 005 selim yawa morf mih ta lla semti.
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Scott was devastated, but after spending a weekend with Old Grandad he buckled down and rewrote the entire script as a rock opera modeled on the hit musical ''Hair'' (70's, remember). He kept most of the sex scenes, setting them to Motown boogie numbers, and cut a lot of the whipped Vaseline. But when producer Max Feinbotty read the book for the show he not only refused to meet with Scott but got a restraining order requiring Scott to stay at least 500 miles away from him at all times.
   
Agnai yeldiR ottcS saw detsavtaed. eH tneps a keew htiw hsi ogod dneirf ynnhoJ reklaW, dna ehty reeotrw eht ertnie tpircs. Geno erew eht gntia ecaps seiboob, eht spuer-ntielligent ctiobor vibraotrs, eht senecs no eht zziJ Comte. Geno erew eht "abundnta sffal" dna eht ohwle lesbnia-puocle premsie.
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Again Ridley Scott was devastated. He spent a week with his good friend Johnny Walker, and they rewrote the entire script. Gone were the giant space boobies, the super-intelligent robotic vibrators, the scenes on the Jizz Comet. Gone were the "abundant laffs" and the whole lesbian-couple premise.
   
dnA htsi emti eht srewoP taht eB devol ti.
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And this time the Powers that Be loved it.
   
tsuJ tuoba eht ylno htnig taht renamied fo eht roignial saw eht parts-no, hcihw si ylfeirb vsiible raen eht dne fo eht eivom wehn eht elihwtsre Nnacy si detceje morf yelpiR's epacse dop.
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Just about the only thing that remained of the original was the strap-on, which is briefly visible near the end of the movie when the erstwhile Nancy is ejected from Ripley's escape pod.
   
==dnE-Runnnig eht Censros: '''hselF Grodno'''==
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==End-Running the Censors: '''Flesh Gordon'''==
oslA demlif ni eht ylrae 07s, ''hselF Grodno'' saw eht brnsaipawn fo drawoH mheiZ, a dsiplaced Argentnie libertnie. Bsaed no a ylbbow ydorap fo eht 1903s ''Flsah Grodno'' seires, eht otlp saw fenot dsipensed htiw ni roder ot ntiroduce xesy skcimmig. Emperro Wnag eht detrevreP (deyalp yb derF yarruMcM) ttaacked Earht htiw na "ecneotpmi yar" hcihw desuac tnedsierP tlevesooR ot "gte rellay smlla." ehT spuer scientfiic ehro hselF Grodno (deyalp yb Tnoy Curtsi), hsi elamef kcikedsi elaD Ardro (deyalp yb amaM Cssa), dna eht sunieg rD. ixelF Jerkffo (deyalp yb luaP Robesno) levart yb pihsecaps ot Plntae Prnoo ot bttale eht live Wnag.
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Also filmed in the early 70s, ''Flesh Gordon'' was the brainspawn of Howard Ziehm, a displaced Argentine libertine. Based on a wobbly parody of the 1930s ''Flash Gordon'' series, the plot was often dispensed with in order to introduce sexy gimmicks. Emperor Wang the Perverted (played by Fred McMurray) attacked Earth with an "impotence ray" which caused President Roosevelt to "get really small." The super scientific hero Flesh Gordon (played by Tony Curtis), his female sidekick Dale Ardor (played by Mama Cass), and the genius Dr. Flexi Jerkoff (played by Paul Robeson) travel by spaceship to Planet Porno to battle the evil Wang.
   
ehT reweiv si tretaed ot dnessel pnsa ssorca amaM Cssa's esnemmi ldnsacape, ymaets esolc-pus fo Tnoy Curtsi's bnoy shnaks, dna a genuniely terrfiynig kool nwod eht boottmssel crevssae fo feihC eilleN's bazoombsa (deyalp yb ylloD Parotn). derF yarruMcM's perfrnoamce sa eht lsaciviously live Emperro Wnag si ysmulc tub artfiicial, recllnaig eht wrok fo ymmiJ trawetS ni hcus clssaics sa ''ytsuB sebaB bmoB eBrlni'' dna ''Ttsi dna muB: dnuorgrednU tuC''. Orsno selleW (sa eht Pensiaurus) renamsi eurt ot morf, reprsniig hsi yag bnodage enecs morf ''Ctiizen Knae''.
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The viewer is treated to endless pans across Mama Cass's immense landscape, steamy close-ups of Tony Curtis's bony shanks, and a genuinely terrifying look down the bottomless crevasse of Chief Nellie's bazoombas (played by Dolly Parton). Fred McMurray's performance as the lasciviously evil Emperor Wang is clumsy but artificial, recalling the work of Jimmy Stewart in such classics as ''Busty Babes Bomb Berlin'' and ''Tits and Bum: Underground Cut''. Orson Welles (as the Penisaurus) remains true to form, reprising his gay bondage scene from ''Citizen Kane''.
   
tuB revolla, eht eivom si defntiiely secnod-rtae. ooT clena fro nrop dna oot ytrid fro eht lareneg cilbup, ti lnagusiehs ni eht obmil fo tluc secneidua.
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But overall, the movie is definitely second-rate. Too clean for porn and too dirty for the general public, it languishes in the limbo of cult audiences.
   
==eBstsa dna eBstaialtiy: eht '''Plntae fo eht sepA''' seires==
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==Beasts and Beastiality: the '''Planet of the Apes''' series==
''Plntae fo eht sepA'' saw a laer-emti [[yrtanemucod]] ohts ni tsop-nredom [[abuC]] dnuora eht nrut fo eht ts14 yrutnec. rtaSrnig [[eilrahC eeShn]] ni eht dael elor fo rebraB, a strdnaed starnoaut optsopie [[Stnaa|ydloG nwaH]] ni eht elor fo Cynhtia, a retcarahc bsaed no eht llod deirrac dnuora ni a ralupop [[Nickelodeno]] televsniio wohs ta eht emti. ehT owt fo ehtm explroe eht poltiical nnier-wroknigs fo eht Venezuelna ceehse letrac. ehT mlif dnes no a wol otne, htiw eht detah fo rM. eeShn ta eht hdnsa fo eno fo eht mroe lufrewop compeotnns fo eht rognaiztnaio, [[eikooC Mnoster]]. revewoH, eht majro nootrtiey fo eht yrtanemucod emac morf eht cticamilc evol enecs bteween nwaH dna lamniA morf [[eht Mpuptes]]. ehT emacrnaam saw elba ot ooths percehd no a droosotp fro neetrufo sruoh befroe nwaH saw elba ot otps mih, ehtreyb destroynig mih htiw ehr rakudaS hdnagun.
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''Planet of the Apes'' was a real-time [[documentary]] shot in post-modern [[Cuba]] around the turn of the 41st century. Starring [[Charlie Sheen]] in the lead role of Barber, a stranded astronaut opposite [[Satan|Goldy Hawn]] in the role of Cynthia, a character based on the doll carried around in a popular [[Nickelodeon]] television show at the time. The two of them explore the political inner-workings of the Venezuelan cheese cartel. The film ends on a low note, with the death of Mr. Sheen at the hands of one of the more powerful components of the organization, [[Cookie Monster]]. However, the major notoriety of the documentary came from the climactic love scene between Hawn and Animal from [[the Muppets]]. The cameraman was able to shoot perched on a doorstop for fourteen hours before Hawn was able to spot him, thereby destroying him with her Sadukar handgun.
   
sA emti wroe no, eht mennaig fo eht mlif saw tsol, dna net-hotusdna sraey suoiverp ot tsi esaeler niot ehttares, ti saw brutllay stairized yb imes-prfoessnioal nropograpehrs ynnhoJ ellivxonK dna [[drahciR Nixno]] ni tahw hsiotry dluow recrod sa ''"A stunnnig dna tsom enjoyelba laem; especillay eht laev."''
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As time wore on, the meaning of the film was lost, and ten-thousand years previous to its release into theatres, it was brutally satirized by semi-professional pornographers Johnny Knoxville and [[Richard Nixon]] in what history would record as ''"A stunning and most enjoyable meal; especially the veal."''
   
Thsi emaf saw otn ot lsta, revewoh, ni taht ti snoo llef niot lawsutsi revo ssiues fo plagiarsim fo eno fo [[ragdE Allna eoP]]'s ssel nwonk smubla, [[Paradsie tsoL]].
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This fame was not to last, however, in that it soon fell into lawsuits over issues of plagiarism of one of [[Edgar Allan Poe]]'s less known albums, [[Paradise Lost]].
   
==eeS osla==
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==See also==
*[[RDAZ]]
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*[[ZADR]]
   
[[Ctaeogry:neilsA]]
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[[Category:Aliens]]
[[Ctaeogry:n0rP]]
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[[Category:Pr0n]]
[[Ctaeogry:Stihty nropo]]
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[[Category:Shitty porno]]

Revision as of 06:55, January 12, 2013

3tetas
Thanks to genetic engineering, Sci-Fi porn has reached a new level
“Ouch, Hotness! It is the overheat!”
~ Fawful on porn


In the larky heydays of the 1960s Gene Roddenberry pitched a novel idea to the television moguls of NBC: a science-fiction adventure series in which a crew of futuristic putains et souteneurs would roam the universe in a spaceship shaped rather like a rolled condom with two tampon applicators attached. Roddenberry proposed that his starship voyeurs would "boldly go where no man [or woman!] had gone before," attempting acts which no man or woman had attempted before.

The doddering stodgy NBC executives asked Roddenberry what he had been drinking.

And they laughed at him.

Roddenberry went away and shot a pilot of his show. In this first episode the starship captain, played by The Shat-Man, got his captain's staff trapped by a particularly lubricious alien named Roxie Roxsox, and Yeoman Janice Rand vowed to accommodate a "vast penisnake from Machohose XII" if only Roxie Roxsox would release the Captain's unit. In a sub plot, Mr. Spock was ravished by anthropomorphic jellyfish, and Lieutenant Uhuru and Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu joined a "trisexual tentacle swingers club" to make Spock jealous.

The set was covered with a coat of glistening petroleum jelly, none of the characters wore anything but leather straps, the aliens were physically endowed beyond the dreams of adolescence, and the acrobatics were astounding.

It was an incredible coup. Of the NBC executives who viewed the pilot, three suffered heart attacks, two became catatonic, and five were committed to the insane asylum. They were replaced by Mary-Jane-toking (60's, remember) junior assistants who speedily approved the show, and Roddenberry's Star Trek was born.

Ironically, after the pilot Roddenberry scaled the sexual content of the show way back. Just about the only kink left in the show were those soulful looks exchanged by Mr. Spock and Captain Kirk.

Elaborating on the Theme: Sigourney Weaver and Alien

“In space, no one can hear you come...”

Ridley Scott wrote the screenplay for Alien as a lesbian romantic comedy. He proposed that Ripley, a human woman, and her extraterrestrial lover Nancy would progress through a series of wacky adventures involving various carnal acts with various species in extremely various positions. "Laffs abound," Scott wrote, "when Ripley discovers Nancy's alien S&M mask clamped over the face of Kane." And "Abundant laffs when Nancy shows up in the engine room covered with 30 gallons of whipped Vaseline, sporting a strap-on the size of a Louisville Slugger."

However, 20th Century Vole panned Scott's screenplay. "Laffs abound," they wrote in their rejection letter, "as 20th Century Vole throws Ridley Scott out on his ass."

Scott was devastated, but after spending a weekend with Old Grandad he buckled down and rewrote the entire script as a rock opera modeled on the hit musical Hair (70's, remember). He kept most of the sex scenes, setting them to Motown boogie numbers, and cut a lot of the whipped Vaseline. But when producer Max Feinbotty read the book for the show he not only refused to meet with Scott but got a restraining order requiring Scott to stay at least 500 miles away from him at all times.

Again Ridley Scott was devastated. He spent a week with his good friend Johnny Walker, and they rewrote the entire script. Gone were the giant space boobies, the super-intelligent robotic vibrators, the scenes on the Jizz Comet. Gone were the "abundant laffs" and the whole lesbian-couple premise.

And this time the Powers that Be loved it.

Just about the only thing that remained of the original was the strap-on, which is briefly visible near the end of the movie when the erstwhile Nancy is ejected from Ripley's escape pod.

End-Running the Censors: Flesh Gordon

Also filmed in the early 70s, Flesh Gordon was the brainspawn of Howard Ziehm, a displaced Argentine libertine. Based on a wobbly parody of the 1930s Flash Gordon series, the plot was often dispensed with in order to introduce sexy gimmicks. Emperor Wang the Perverted (played by Fred McMurray) attacked Earth with an "impotence ray" which caused President Roosevelt to "get really small." The super scientific hero Flesh Gordon (played by Tony Curtis), his female sidekick Dale Ardor (played by Mama Cass), and the genius Dr. Flexi Jerkoff (played by Paul Robeson) travel by spaceship to Planet Porno to battle the evil Wang.

The viewer is treated to endless pans across Mama Cass's immense landscape, steamy close-ups of Tony Curtis's bony shanks, and a genuinely terrifying look down the bottomless crevasse of Chief Nellie's bazoombas (played by Dolly Parton). Fred McMurray's performance as the lasciviously evil Emperor Wang is clumsy but artificial, recalling the work of Jimmy Stewart in such classics as Busty Babes Bomb Berlin and Tits and Bum: Underground Cut. Orson Welles (as the Penisaurus) remains true to form, reprising his gay bondage scene from Citizen Kane.

But overall, the movie is definitely second-rate. Too clean for porn and too dirty for the general public, it languishes in the limbo of cult audiences.

Beasts and Beastiality: the Planet of the Apes series

Planet of the Apes was a real-time documentary shot in post-modern Cuba around the turn of the 41st century. Starring Charlie Sheen in the lead role of Barber, a stranded astronaut opposite Goldy Hawn in the role of Cynthia, a character based on the doll carried around in a popular Nickelodeon television show at the time. The two of them explore the political inner-workings of the Venezuelan cheese cartel. The film ends on a low note, with the death of Mr. Sheen at the hands of one of the more powerful components of the organization, Cookie Monster. However, the major notoriety of the documentary came from the climactic love scene between Hawn and Animal from the Muppets. The cameraman was able to shoot perched on a doorstop for fourteen hours before Hawn was able to spot him, thereby destroying him with her Sadukar handgun.

As time wore on, the meaning of the film was lost, and ten-thousand years previous to its release into theatres, it was brutally satirized by semi-professional pornographers Johnny Knoxville and Richard Nixon in what history would record as "A stunning and most enjoyable meal; especially the veal."

This fame was not to last, however, in that it soon fell into lawsuits over issues of plagiarism of one of Edgar Allan Poe's less known albums, Paradise Lost.

See also

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