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“Quite nice chaps really. Gave me some gin and tonic, read me some poetry. Oh, and I'm one too. But you knew that, didn't you?”
~ The Doctor on aliens

An alien is a form of extraterrestrial living organism. However, if the organism is not living the designation "dead alien" is used.



Since an alien is technically any form of extraterrestrial life, it could be anything between a bacterium and an outright insane sentient race encased in silly shells. Suggested locations include Krypton, the Betelgeuse system, moons of Jupiter and Saturn, Mars, the Moon, and right here among us.

Beliefs in off-Earth life

There are many who believe sentient beings exist outside of Earth. One such theory is that one such alien created the world in six days. This is often referred to as Christianity, and is a belief widely held among people, and has been accepted as being far more sensible than other beliefs in off-Earth life. To date this is the only branch of extraterrestrial life beliefs that has gained mainstream recognition as a credible thought.

Nevertheless, other less mainstream ideas, equally valid for some, continue to exist, languishing despite much media attention. For example, the award-winning documentaries Doctor Who, Men in Black, War of the Worlds, Independence Day and Plan 9 from Outer Space have all showcased aliens, but have been dismissed as mere fantasy, even as the Titanic nearly crashed into Buckingham Palace and all of Earth's major cities were almost destroyed by scavenger aliens. Every Christmas in London, they were right here among us.

The search

Scientists have been searching for evidence of extraterrestrial life outside of television, with little success. But humankind's destiny is to find, communicate and befriend alien life, for science fiction has decreed it as such. So researchers have pushed on with the search for intelligent life in outer space.


The Search for Extra-Terrifying Intelligence, or SETI, was founded in the 1960's, due to concerns that evil monoliths might be trying to abduct our brave astronauts. SETI projects use scientific methods to find extra-terrestrial life, although since they have not found evidence suggesting such life, they are doing so incorrectly.

The US government funded SETI projects up to 1994, when they realised that an agency that put out a report every year about a profound lack of success would have done just as well, as long as they also put out records of the obligatory "Wow!" signal every few decades or so. Of course, this would not change the fact that they are still doing it wrong. A fundamental flaw of SETI is that its scientists are focusing on outer space for a source of intelligent life. This is the wrong place to look for aliens, because they are RIGHT HERE AMONG US.


As has been discussed, aliens are right here among us, even among New Labour politicians.

There have been also efforts to actively send messages out to extra-terrestrial life, because we all know that that's a far more sensible idea. Here is the content of one such recent message:


No reply has been received as of this date.

Drake equation

In 1961, an astronomer at UC Santa Cruz, Dr Frank Drake, devised an equation to estimate the number of planets "out there" with intelligent alien life that could communicate with us, thus forever ruining his good name. The equation multiplied together seven factors.[1]

Naturally, the number of civilisations according to this formula tends to be very high, since we all know that the end product of the Drake equation is also inversely proportional to the level of intelligence of humans calculating that end result. This, however, is only one prominent criticism of the Drake equation.

Other criticisms exist regarding the nature of the variables used in the equation. Whether a civilization could have just 1 scary monolith or 1 quadrillion of them, and whether the average person could believe in 100% or 0% of the nonsense he is subjected to, can be quite arbitrary.

Some critics also think that certain additional parameters must be taken into account. For example, the fraction of civilizations that could get ahold of an episode of America's Funniest Home Videos and be disgusted enough to commit self-genocide could be a critical factor, and yet is not accounted for in this equation. These critics are, of course, trying to influence results to make contact seem less and less possible, because they are themselves aliens, living right here among us.

Aliens and their propaganda in popular culture

Blatantly obvious works of popular culture involving aliens include the Alien saga; E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial and its TV movie sequel, The E.T. Holiday Special; Men In Black and Men In Black 2; The Doctor in Doctor Who; The Teletubbies; Invader Zim; and The X-Files. These, however are not the only parts of Earth culture aliens are involved in, because, notably, aliens are right here among us.


All along, the proof has been right here among us, and the game doesn't give you bio-weapons for a reason.

Space Invaders, for example, was programmed as a reply to the highly pixelated Arecibo message. A particularly innovative interactive propaganda piece from the Martian Ministry of Warfare, the "game" successfully conveyed the message that Martians could never be defeated by any weapon whatsoever. However, the game failed to defeat the commonly held—and very correct—Victorian-era conception that Martians could be easily defeated if somebody happened to sneeze.

The Day the Earth Stood Still is another example of covert alien operations on Earth. A little-known fact is that "Klaatu barada nikto" is the key to a mind control network that will allow Klaatu to take over the world, kill everyone off and start anew. The idea was that, if humans fell prey to such inane, idiotic bits of popular culture, became obsessed with them and started quoting them once every thirty minutes, humankind is hopeless after all.

The fact that 2001: A Space Odyssey is the first Earth film made by aliens is trivial. To quote famed film critic Russell Casse,

Let's face it. The reason that this movie is so utterly nutterly incomprehensible is that it's unearthly -- literally. Why do you think there are these sequences of absolutely no dialogue whatsoever? BECAUSE THE ALIENS DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE DIALOGUE. Only part of Kubrick's original vision remains, and those parts have dialogue. The other parts don't. How am I so sure? Because I am. Now someone get me some coffee.

Certain aspects of popular culture have been suspected to be alien conspiracies, but do not explicitly feature aliens. For example, all of High School Musical was designed specifically to soften human brains and make devouring them easier. The animated magical world of Walt Disney is also not safe; Mickey Mouse was one of the earliest aliens of the 20th century, although not fitting into the archetype of greenness. Likewise, Super Mario Bros. was designed to trick humankind into eating only mushrooms, by planting delusions that mushrooms will make us magically impervious to death and/or make us giants. However, all mushrooms are, of course, either poisonous or hallucination-inducing, and humankind would be left defenceless to the aliens right here, among us.

A think tank has also advised that easily influenced students not play Dungeons and Dragons, stating that it may be part of an alien conspiracy as well. Dungeons and Dragons occupied the valuable time of some of the brightest would-be scientists of several past generations, who would otherwise have grown up to protect the world from aliens. However, most people believe that the clinching piece of evidence for hostile extraterrestrials right here, among us, is the movie Gigli.

See also


  1. These were:
    • the number of spooky alien monoliths per civilization.
    • the fraction of said monoliths that would be able to find lifeforms and magically enlighten them.
    • the number of civilizations with the capability of making spooky alien monoliths created per year.
    • the fraction of civilizations that aren't too shy.
    • the fraction of civilizations from that fraction that actually do not have better things to do than go and create other civilizations.
    • the fraction of all of this nonsense the average person is willing to believe in.
    • the length of time the average person is willing to believe in this nonsense.
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