Alice in Chains
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Alice in Chains were a grunge band originally formed as Alice Got Maimed (a popular children's book) led by whale-nasal-political-activist-vocal buff Layne Staley and former harp-repair man/current guitar-solo-definitioner Jerry Cantrell. Despite being rained on constantly while rehearing in their drummer's backyard space within the heart of Seattle and smelling like that of a failed central nervous system of a dying old lady, the band went on to sell millions of compact discs before dissolving in part of Jerry's obsession with the pure sound of vinyl and uncontrolling power of blowing people's heads off with his astonishing guitar-playing abilities, ultimately causing the accidental death of his own bandmate, Staley.
During the early morning of the summer of 1987, Layne Staley emerged from his parents' house (age 20, wearing his PJs) before stubbing his toe on the side of his redneck farmer neighbour's house, which was later discovered by local authorities to be a slaughter house full of the insides of various artists involved with the recording of popular 80s hair bands. Nonetheless, the result of the stubbing forced Staely to produce an unusual, low-toned, yet Amazing voice, which was heard by neighbors, the beautiful singing of Staley brought them to their knees. A homeless street walker who was delivering the morning paper to the house of musician Jerry Cantrell (out of sheer boredom and self-pity, since it was Cantrell who was responsible for accidentaly blowing his grandmother's head-off with his rockin' guitar skills) was also a witness. Jerry Cantrell ran out of his house and immediately asked Staley if he wanted to join a band. To his surprise, Staley accepted.
edit Early years
How Sean Kenney and bassist Mike Starr joined the band is unknown, because the press do not care for either of them. Staley and Cantrell soon became satisfied with their achievement in portraying a full band that looked dirty enough to fall into the grunge genre (especially the day every member of the band agreed to stop the use of showering and shampooing). As time went on, they began hitting up the clubs every night for a week, causing a spark of complaints on behalf of the local community from club owners for "barging in looking like a group of cavemen, smelling like sac, head-banging to disco music and drinking all our beers" before finally realizing they were supposed to be hitting up the bars and playing shows if they wanted their band to get anywhere.
During the band's debut performance at a local coffee house, an A&R representative from Columbia Records was reportedly taken hostage by Cantrell while using the bathroom facility and told by Cantrell himself that he had to sign the band, or listen to Nirvana. This prompted the A&R representative to sign the band immediately, which led to a few demos and the band's full length album: Facelift (which was a reference to the event regarding Staley's mum's friend's uncle's father's facial operation, who suffered numerous wounds from being viciously stung in the face by a swarm of killer bees). The album became an instant success, selling a rough estimate of 583,594,214,194 copies under a three-week period of time.
edit Mainstream success
With the highly acclaimed 'Facelift', vocalist Layne Staley would start writing songs about Heroin, a drug of which he was addicted to. In the summer of '91, Dirt was released and garnered much success, becoming their most famous album. It was so famous, that a decade later, a Pop band would name themselves after Staley's song "Godsmack", a song about smack, and claim it was named after Sully Erna's cold sores. They followed these with Jar of Flies and Alice in Chains, their next two albums before Staley disappeared from the public.
By 1996, Layne Staley was slowly dying from Heroin, but still delivered a better performance than Kurt Cobain.
edit Deaths-a-lot and stress
Unfortunately, as the nineties passed on, Cantrell's brain-mushing guitar acts were beginning to reach a state of crazy-madness. The first incident being that during a gig at Ron's Steakhouse of Buffet, when travelling sound tech for the band requested for Cantrell to execute the sound of a B-flat major from his guitar before the show, so as to get the sound levels of the amp monitors to blend smoothly over the annoying sounds of the over-powered and loud grill systems that were being used by the employees of the restaurant. To the shock of many, the microsecond of the perfectly strummed pitch was just enough to make the sound tech's head explode into bits of pieces, leaving the head manager of the restaurant to believe the mush was nothing more than bits of lasagna and thus, using this mush to substitute certain sauces for his steak. He was later beaten to death and mugged by local authorities for this crime.
The worst day of Cantrell's life, as he recalls from a recent interview, was the day he accidently killed his close bandmate, Staley: "...I was just, playing, you know, some Stairway to Heaven in the studio... Layne comes in and starts to mumble some of the words to it...tells me, 'Hey, man... turn that up.' So I do what he says, and apparently it wasn't enough, because he tells me next, 'No, no, no...keep goin' man. Just a lit-' and before I knew it... his brains w-w-were all over the place". At this point, things were only getting worse. Days later, the A&R representative who signed the band threatened legal action if Atlantis wasn't discovered soon. Feeling enraged, depressed and bitter, Cantrell took up collecting pogs.
After sudden death of Layne Staley, Kurt Cobain rolled around a bit in his grave and chuckled a little, The Little Mermaid (Season 2) was released via VHS, several earthquakes struck the southern plains of the United States, Air Force One crashed directly into a plutonium nuclear wasteland and the Hanson Brother's debut album was released. It seemed all hope was lost. Until it was announced, after taking out a page from the Chicago Tribune in 2005, that Alice In Chains would reform with minimal guitar action and a new lead singer. This left fans to hate the band and was to believed to be the root cause of the Virgina Tech Shooting of 2007, according to angry liberals.
In 2013, months after fellow Grungers Soundgarden had released an album to next-to-no success (partly because they weren't Korean dancers), Alice in Chains followed suit with the Devil Put Dinosaurs Here. It's ridiculous title is explained by the fact it consists entirely of new vocalist William DuVall reading a Roald Dahl book of the same name. Although they were certain the Gangnam Style fad was over, the album also received no success because David Bowie came and drew attention to his album instead. Upset, Jerry Cantrell locked himself in his room (he insists it is to improve his guitar skills and that he is not crying over anything), refusing to come out. Eventually, the AiC members convinced him to let them in. He did so, but after Mike Inez broke the lock, the crew were stuck inside the room and have thus been inactive lately
edit Studio albums
- Plastic Surgery (1990)
- Sappy Sap (1991)
- Dirty Dirt (1991)
- Jar of Rice (1992)
- We Ran Out of Amusing Names, But This is by Us (1993)
- Black Gives Way to Blue and Red and Orange and... Just Buy It (2009)
- The Devil Put Barney the Dinosaur Here (2013)
edit Guitar Gear
- Contessa Acoustic Guitar
- Norma Electric (Black Finish)
- Ovation Electric (With Battery Pack)
- Klica Acoustic (Jerry bought at a pawn shop for $5.00)
- Hondo Electric (With horrible action!)
- A banjo that Jerry was too scared to use (brand unknown).