Algernon Sydney

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Sidney-locke

Sidney (right) and Locke (left) after winning the 1680 Golden Globe for Most Impractical Political Philosophy

Algernon "What, you've never heard of me? Screw you!" Sidney was born in a small port city in Australia in 1622. Like most Australians, he despised Western governments for only giving his entire continent 2 reinforcements per turn, believing them to be run by "infidels". However, his early terrorist exploits were deterred by one John Locke, his nemesis and (for a time) lover, who convinced him to travel to England, where he would be better suited to take up a career in philosophy, otherwise known as panhandling. There would later be a falling-out between Sydney and Locke, just before Locke's plane crashed and he was presumed dead, another casualty of Oceanic 815. Today, most historians conclude that Sidney is not likely to be remembered as anyone important, as his political beliefs were dwarfed by his partner Locke's successful acting career.

edit Life

Sydney was a philosophizer, and as a result he had no life. He continued to live on after his death as a result of the famous conundrum he once posed, "How do you kill that which has no life?", which remained unanswered until 2006, when South Park at last found a solution to his riddle. After watching that episode (he later said it was one of his favorites), he spontaneously burst into flames and was sent to hell for violating laws of nature, physics, and religion without getting the laws' consent first. During his lifetime he gave birth to the great Ed Norton, who could accomplish more with a single film than Sydney could in an entire lifetime of whining about the monarchy. The father, while not known for certain, is believed to be David Blaine.

edit Contributions to Science

Often finding himself in need of money, Sydney would routinely resort to prostitution (Australia's national sport), or other activities he was less proficient at, such as Irish line dancing, ringing King Charles II's doorbell then running away, and writing unapologetically boring Uncyclopedia articles. However, when these were not enough for young Algernon, he would frequently donate himself for purposes of scientific research. The pay was low, often providing him only with flowers, which, instead of eating them as he should have, he would smoke as a substitute for marijuana, unfortunately making him only hungrier. However, he put all his hopes into the success of the experiments being done on him, which were intended to make him much smarter (also hairier, although he was not informed of this at the time). If he had been smart enough in the first place, he ironically (is that irony or a paradox?) would have made the wise decision of not being experimented on, as he had chosen the same facility that had attempted to cure Samuel L Jackson's Tourettes and Tom Cruise's Scientology obsession. His medication worked briefly (like, fish-memory brief), but his intelligence (or lack thereof) was only further dampened, to the point where he made Forrest Gump look like Isaac Newton and Ozzy Osbourne look like a rational, functioning member of society. This effectively ended his political career, even more effectively than his death did 42 years later.

edit Beliefs

Sydney was a strong believer that whatever government he happened to be living under was the worst conceivable government in history. Historians believe him to be a supporter of democracy and natural rights philosophy, but this is actually due to the monarchy being the only form of government that existed at that time, so he had to take a stance against it. If he were still alive, he would likely have argrued against democracy and in favor of reinstating a nobility as the ruling class, despite the United States' open door policy on bestiality, Sidney's second-favorite hobby after whittling. His beliefs border on nihilism, as he pretty much hates everything that exists, simply because it exists. He bears many similarities to modern day hippies, although he bears the distinction of actually being able to produce a coherent argument to support his "philosophy". Sidney also believed he was constantly being spied on by covert government ninjas, but since there is no way to prove that either way, and it happens to just about everyone, he was pretty much ignored on this matter. Like Da Vinci, Sydney had numerous ideas that were only put into place after his death, and were attributed to other people when they were, because nobody wanted to give either of those loonies a page in the history books. There are no plans as of yet for a bestselling Dan Brown novel based on entirely fabricated information about Sidney and backed by a generic, paper-thin plot, but Tom Hanks has already signed on for the movie just in case

edit What Algernon Sydney Hates

  • Government
  • Kings (of countries and in checkers/chess)
  • Racists
  • Black People
  • Smarter and better looking philosophers stealing his ideas and becoming famous while he gets lost in the back-fat of history
  • Babies
  • iPods
  • Prostitutes (only female)
  • People named Charles
  • Nazis
  • Jews
  • The Internet
  • People who mistake him for a woman
  • The Extranet
  • Uncyclopedia
  • Break Dancing
  • Oscar Wilde (bastard takes all the good gay jokes)
  • Nobody realizing how badass you really are
  • Guitar Hero on Expert
  • Political Exile (at least Napoleon gets to come back for a hundred days or so every now and then)
  • Long, Pointless Lists
  • Alzheimers
  • Algernon Sidney? Who the hell is that?

edit See also

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