Alfred Hitchcock

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FADE IN

EXT. LONDON STREET - DAY

From high above the bustling city, the foreboding calm of a breezy Alfred Hitchcock day 
looms. Slowly approaching street level, the sights and sounds of a busy, bright London day 
fill the eyes and ears.

At length, a lone sheet of paper - an Uncyclopedia article about a great English suspense 
film maker - flaps in the breeze, stuck temporarily in the damp gutter.

Presently, the wind carries the article away. It slaps at the face of a busy London commuter 
as he tries in vain to hail a taxi. He bats at the article in frustration and it flies away.

        COMMUTER
    Taxi!

He checks his watch.

A young lad tugs at his coat. The man impatiently brushes him away - but the lad is persistant.

        COMMUTER
    What is it, boy? I'm late for a meeting!

        LAD
    Please sir. I wondered if you have seen an article flying past in this wind.

        COMMUTER
    A what?

        LAD
    An article sir. About a great English suspense film maker.

        COMMUTER
    What are you talking about, young man? I haven't seen anything at all. I'm trying to find 
    a ride downtown.

        LAD
    Sorry to bother you sir.

At long last, a taxi approaches and stops for the man. The driver is a portly but stately man 
with a grey balding head and the jowls of a bulldog.

But then, from around the corner of a nearby brick building, the barrel of a gun emerges. Just 
as the man is opening the taxi door, a shot rings out, and the commuter doubles over, 
clutching at his gut. He slowly collapses. The shrieks of women resound, and then all fades to 
black.


INT. OFFICE CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

In the conference room of a high-rise London office building, a group of uptight businessmen 
in grey suits are embroiled in the cacophony of a heated discussion.

Finally the conference chairman claps loudly to quiet them all down. He is a tall, unassuming 
American man with an endearing drawl and a kindly air.

        CHAIRMAN
   Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. We are accomplishing nothing with all this arguing. Please. 
   We are here to write this article, and, and, and, that's just what we're gonna do. And all
   of this unfocused bickering will get us nowhere.

        CHARLIE
   Mr. Chairman, if I may.

        CHAIRMAN
   With all due respect, Charlie, I'd like to get things under control first. I mean... w-w-w-
   what is this? Listen, now. We're gonna write this article on Alfred Hitchcock for this, 
   this, encyclopedia thing, and that's that. You hear me, gentlemen? 

The men all nod and murmur agreement.

       CHAIRMAN
   So, what do we know about this... Hitchcock fella?

Gregory, a proper English businessman, picks up the article from the table top.

       GREGORY
   Well, so far, Mr. Chairman, I've got - quote - In Alfred Hitchcock we have cinema's 
   greatest auteur in the suspense genre.

       CHAIRMAN
   Well, now, see, Gregory, that's good. That's real good. That's a good start.

       CHARLIE
   Mr. Chairman, I'd also like to share an idea I have that will really make a difference to
   this project.

       CHAIRMAN
   Go ahead there, Charlie.

       CHARLIE
   Thank you, sir. You see, it has been well documented that Mr. Hitchcock strongly felt that
   his best finished product was always the screenplay. In fact, he has been quoted as saying
   that as much as forty percent of his overall vision is always lost in the translation from
   page to film. This, ironically, is despite his widely acknowledged important contributions
   to the visual language of cinema, at least within his genre if not even wider.

       CHAIRMAN
   Certainly, Charlie. So what is your idea?

       CHARLIE
   Well, in honor of this notion, I think it would be a fitting tribute to present the article
   as an actual bare-bones screenplay. The man himself would have been pleased, I
   should think.

       CHAIRMAN
   Interesting.

       CHARLIE
   No frills, no pitiful attempts at mimicking his visual mastery with still shots that do no
   justice to his vision. See? If you read Hitchcock's final drafts, the flowery descriptions
   often almost outdo the actual shots. I think it would be appropriate for us to do likewise,
   limiting our visuals to the same sort of flowery descriptions.

       CHAIRMAN
   It's intriguing. But our forum is a satire encyclopedia that, especially in the main space, 
   prides itself on its visual presentation. Would such an approach then not be more suited to
   the UnScripts section then?

       HARVEY
   Well, sir, I think in this case, UnScripts is not the appropriate space. This is at heart
   an article, not a script. It's an article that is paying tribute to the man by looking like
   a script. But UnScripts are directed more toward an actual ostensible show, while this is
   a simple self-aware device in the context of an article.

       CHAIRMAN
   That's a good point, there, Harvey. And what about that self-awareness?

       HARVEY
   Certainly a cheeky self-awareness is a hallmark of Hitchcock's work. The fact that he takes
   a cameo role in every film himself calls for a meta-level appreciation that smacks of such
   cheeky self-awareness.

       CHAIRMAN
   So we don't feel it would be more appropriate in a satire article to simply poke fun at 
   him? There's so much material there, you know. His well-known hatred for actors? Didn't he
   call them cattle? That's a two cows joke just waiting to happen.

       CHARLIE
   Such satire articles are fine and have their place, but there are endless examples of them
   at all levels of quality. We thought we'd do something that might be more clever or
   interesting. Maybe not as funny, per se, but comedy doesn't always have to skewer.

       CHAIRMAN
   That's fine then.

       GREGORY
   The fact is, he maintained that Psycho is at heart a comedy - did you laugh when you
   watched it?

       CHAIRMAN
   Well, now that you mention it, I suppose I did. So this is all good. But there is one last
   thing, gentlemen. It is important that we give our article a classic Hitchcock twist 
   ending. How do we do that?

The room falls silent. Gregory looks at the article in thought. He approaches an open window.

       CHAIRMAN
   Be careful with that paper there, Gregory. Don't get too close to that-

A gust of wind blows in and snatches the paper from Gregory's hands and it flies out the 
window. The men leap to their feet.

       CHAIRMAN
   Gregory! The article!

Gregory leans out the window and calls to the street below.

       GREGORY
   Hey! You there! Young lad! Yes, you! Do us a favor and don't let that paper get away! Chase
   it down, boy! Yes, that's a good lad!

The Chairman collapses back into his chair and trembles nervously.


INT. CHAIRMAN'S OFFICE - DAY

The Chairman's secretary, Maggie, is busy sorting through to-do papers opposite the Chairman,
who sits at his desk, nervously smoking.

       CHAIRMAN
   I don't get it, Maggie. Why would Gregory, a good conscientious businessman, allow such a
   thing to happen? What would possess him to stand so close to the window? I'm telling you,
   Maggie, there's something fishy about this.

       MAGGIE
   Don't fret yourself about it so, Mr. Chairman. I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable
   explanation.

       CHAIRMAN
   This shouldn't have happened, Maggie. I just don't get it. Now what am I gonna do?

       MAGGIE
   You'll figure it out, sir. You always do.

       CHAIRMAN
   This has got me bugged, Maggie. Bugged, I tell you.


EXT. LONDON STREET - DAY

The chalk outline of the murdered commuter is all that remains to tell the story of his 
demise. Police tape surrounds the taxi and a police investigator observes the scene with a 
police sergeant. Presently, a police officer brings the young lad to the sergeant. The officer 
carries the tell-tale article.

       SERGEANT
   This is the boy?

       OFFICER
   Yes, sergeant. This is the lad that witnesses say was the last person to contact the victim.

       SERGEANT
   And that?

       OFFICER
   He was carrying it when we caught him.

The officer gives the paper to the sergeant.

       SERGEANT
   Take the boy in for questioning. Detective?

       INVESTIGATOR
   It's a tough one. No motive, no murder weapon. A boy with no known connection. And that. 
   Let me see that. what is it?

       SERGEANT
   Well, it appears to be an article, sir. About an acclaimed English suspense film maker.

       INVESTIGATOR
   Suspense, eh? I don't think I like the sound of that.

       SERGEANT
   That's not the worst of it. It's written as a screenplay. Like it might be one of his 
   films.

       INVESTIGATOR
   What's wrong with that?

       SERGEANT
   Well, it's depicting us, sir. Our very actions. Everything we're saying and doing right 
   now.

       INVESTIGATOR
   What? What is that? Is that something he was known for? That sort of mystical, eerie
   conundrum that defies reason?

       SERGEANT
   Perhaps not so much in his films, but his television show, certainly. I would suppose any
   article about him would be incomplete without a nod to that. Don't you think?

       INVESTIGATOR
   You're probably right, sergeant. Still, it is disturbing.

       SERGEANT
   It sure is, detective.

The investigator shivers nervously, then turns his gaze to eye <insert name here>
directly. The scene slowly pulls away as the music swells. Up and away from the street until
the top of a nearby building is reached. A black crow lights on the edge of the building. It
observes the scene carefully, appearing to be deciding on a possible course of action.
Finally, though, it shakes off the idea and flies away.

FADE OUT


THE END.


Filmmakers of the World
Epic Visionaries

Ingmar Bergman | Peter Bogdanovich | Robert Bresson | Charlie Chaplin | Coen Brothers | Cecil B. De Mille | Clint Eastwood | Federico Fellini | John Ford | D.W. Griffith | Alfred Hitchcock | Abbas Kiarostami | Sergio Leone | Martin Scorsese | Steven Spielberg | Andrei Tarkovsky | Orson Welles | James Cameron | Akira Kurosawa

Not-So-Epic Visionaries

Michael Bay | Tim Burton | Ken Burns | John Carpenter | Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer | Mel Gibson | Tom Green | Spike Lee | George Lucas | Dolph Lundgren | McG | Michael Moore | Leonard Nimoy | Guy Ritchie | George Romero | Joel Schumacher | M. Night Shyamalan | Alan Smithee | Billy Bob Thornton | Tommy Wiseau | John Woo | Ed Wood | Rob Zombie

Highly Respected in France

Woody Allen | Michelangelo Antonioni | Darren Aronofsky | Mel Brooks | Sofia Coppola | Jean-Luc Godard | Jim Jarmusch | Charlie Kaufman | Jerry Lewis | David Lynch | Nicolas Winding Refn | Rob Schneider | Remi Gaillard | Lars von Trier

Highly Confusing in Japan
Terry Gilliam | Akira Kurosawa | Russ Meyer | Quentin Tarantino
Highly Disturbing in Mexico

Guillermo del Toro

Highly Racist in Suid-Afrika

Neill Blomkamp

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