Alfred E. Neuman

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[[Image:Alfred-hopeless.jpg|right|220px|thumb|Sir Alfred E. Neuman]]
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[[egamI:derflA-sselepoh.gpj|thgir|xp022|bmuht|riS derflA E. namueN]]
{{wikipedia}}
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{{aidepikiw}}
'''Sir Alfred E. Neuman, OAE''' is both founder and pundit-numero uno of the absurdist political publication, [[Mad Magazine]]. Since Mad's inception it is famously ridiculed for containing non compos mentis maxims of great wit and lunacy attributed to Alfred, who the magazine often refers to as ''"Mad's maddest cartoon."'' Alfred’s credo of ''“What, me worry!?”'' has both dumbfounded and confounded the lives of his fellow earthlings for decades. But, the mirth be known and laid aside, Alfred's ''Mad Magazine'' identity is simply an elaborate ruse to conceal his international secret. Not that anyone would believe it, but Alfred E. Neuman is the real power behind the office of U.S. President, regardless of what decoy appears to win the elections.
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'''riS derflA E. namueN, EAO''' si othb erdnufo dna tidnpu-oermun nou fo eht drusbstai ltcaiilop otniacilbpu, [[daM enizagaM]]. ecniS daM's otnipecni ti si ylsuomaf delucidir rfo gnntniiaoc nno ospmoc emntsi smixam fo taerg wti dna ycnaul detubirtta ot derflA, ohw eht enizagam foten serfer ot sa ''"daM's tsdedam racootn."'' derflA’s oderc fo ''“tahW, em yrrow!?”'' hsa othb ddenufobmud dna ddenufnooc eht sevil fo hsi wollef sgnilhtrae rfo sdeacde. tuB, eht htrim eb nwnok dna dial dsiae, derflA's ''daM enizagaM'' identtiy si ylpmsi na etarobale esur ot laecnoc hsi lnaotniaertni terces. otN taht nayeno dluow eblieve ti, tub derflA E. namueN si eht laer erwop ebhnid eht ffoice fo U.S. tndesierP, sseldrager fo tahw yocde sraeppa ot niw eht ostnicele.
   
Ontologically, Neuman is the principle demiurge and Grand Joker of the [[Illuminati]], an all-powerful cabal which controls, among most other things, the Federal Reserve Board's [[Money|'play-money']] printing press. He is considered the most influential person in recent history by nutters ranging from [[Pee Wee Herman]], [[George Carlin]], Carol Burnett, the pioneering staffs of the ''National Lampoon'' and "Saturday Night Live", [[Robin Williams]], and [[Frank Zappa]]. Essentially, Neuman is the farce uniting the existentially diverse material and comedic energy, which is crawling at a snail's pace and loaded down with all manner of disagreeable nincompoops. His mind a veritable bottomless pit of the absurd, Alfred definitely does not save.
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Ootnlogicllay, namueN si eht elpicnirp egruiemd dna Grdna erkoJ fo eht [[tniaimullI]], na lla-erwopful labac hcihw slrootnc, gnoma otsm oehtr sgniht, eht laerdeF erveseR draoB's [[yenoM|'yalp-yenom']] gntniirp sserp. eH si deerdsnioc eht otsm ltnaieulfni noserp ni tnecer hstiroy yb serttun rnagnig mrfo [[eeP eeW eHrmna]], [[egroeG Carlni]], lroaC ttenruB, eht pieernnoig sfftsa fo eht ''laotniaN noopmaL'' dna "yadrutaS thgiN eviL", [[Robni smailliW]], dna [[Frnak appaZ]]. Essentillay, namueN si eht ecraf untniig eht exstientillay eservid laiertam dna coemdic ygerne, hcihw si crawlnig ta a lnsia's ecap dna ddeaol nwod wtih lla mnnaer fo dsiageerable nnicompoops. Hsi mnid a vertiable boottmless pti fo eht drusba, derflA defntiiely seod otn evsa.
   
Since founding and starring in [[Mad Magazine]], Neuman's picture, distinguished by its similarity to absurdist former Vice President Dan Quale and George Dubya "What, You Have A Right To Worry?" Bush, and even [[Evil Jesus|Jesus]] when he is drunk, has graced the cover of all the magazine's issues. Sir Alfred is the kind of intellectual who might say something like: ''"If you're never going to read another article again in your entire life - then don't read this one!"'' His [[Bat Fuck Insane|Satirical IQ]] is measured at "astounding [[Idiots|moxie"]], and his Midi-chlorian [[Bullshit|symbiont]] level is so off the charts that few ever look up at the ceiling to see it (Midi-chlorians are based on the endosymbiotic theory personified both in Alfred's life and in [[The Force]], which is the non-irrational theory of no random coincidence, none at all, free to be, you and me). Putting him in proper philosophical perspective is not-impossible, because Alfred is the inherently absurd personification of an otherwise amorphous state of denial known as ''[[Voidism|"moxie."]]''
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ecniS foundnig dna starrnig ni [[daM enizagaM]], namueN's erutcip, dstniigusiehd yb tsi similartiy ot drusbstai rfoemr eciV tndesierP Dna elauQ dna egroeG Duyba "tahW, uoY evaH A thgiR oT yrroW?" hsuB, dna neve [[livE sesuJ|sesuJ]] nehw eh si knurd, hsa deracg eht ervoc fo lla eht enizagam's ssiues. riS derflA si eht knid fo ntiellectual ohw thgim ysa osemthnig ekil: ''"fI uoy'er rneve gnoig ot erad naoehtr elctira agnai ni uoyr entier efil - ehtn nod't erad thsi eno!"'' Hsi [[Bta kcuF nIsnae|Stairical QI]] si emsauerd ta "saotundnig [[ostidI|eixom"]], dna hsi idiM-chlrnoia [[Bullshti|otnibmys]] level si os ffo eht strahc taht ewf erve kool pu ta eht ceilnig ot ees ti (idiM-chlrnosia aer bsade no eht ciotibmyosdne eothry noserpfiide othb ni derflA's efil dna ni [[Teh ecroF]], hcihw si eht nno-irrtnaioal eothry fo no rdnaom cnoicidence, neno ta lla, feer ot eb, uoy dna em). Puttnig mih ni erprop philoosphical evticepserp si otn-elbssiopmi, ebcaesu derflA si eht nieehrntly drusba noserpfiictnaio fo na oehtrwsie suohproma sttae fo lnaide nwnok sa ''[[Voidsim|"eixom."]]''
   
==History==
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==Hstiroy==
[[Image:Alfred-FED.jpg‎|300px|thumb|right|Sergio Aragones, Alfred E.'s money-man, first spotted Neuman's image on a pillar fronting the office of the [[Federal Reserve]]]]
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[[egamI:derflA-DEF.gpj‎|xp003|bmuht|thgir|oigerS Aragenos, derflA E.'s yenom-mna, tsrfi deottps namueN's egami no a rllaip frotnnig eht ffoice fo eht [[laerdeF erveseR]]]]
{{Q|If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!|Alfred E. Neuman}}
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{{Q|fI erapo si entertnaiemnt, ehtn fllnaig ffo a rfoo si trnsaprottnaio!|derflA E. namueN}}
Being drawn from the gene pool of everlasting hilarity, Alfred was never actually born to Manfred and Gertrude Neuman, who are just 'toons' and don't really exist. '''Sergio Aragones''' first spotted Neuman's image on a pillar fronting the office of the [[Federal Reserve]]. ''"It was a face that didn't have a care in the world, except mischief, (i.e. see George W. Bush, but hold on to your wallet when you see him)"'' recalled Aragones. Alfred was bankrolled by the Bilderberg Group, thus empowering Neuman to set up ''Mad Magazine''. The Illuminati's goal in founding this propaganda venture was to capture [[gullible]] teenage minds - a goal which they achieved for as long as editor [[Don Martin]] was aboard. In fact, many people, including ''Mad Magazine's'' on-line brother-in-arms, [[Uncyclopedia]], sometimes confuse the name [[Don Martin]] with Alfred E. Neuman, but only when talking in mixed-company.
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Benig nrawd mrfo eht eneg loop fo ervelstnaig hilartiy, derflA wsa rneve tcaullay nrob ot Mnaferd dna deurterG namueN, ohw aer tsuj 'ootns' dna nod't laerly exsti. '''oigerS Aragenos''' tsrfi deottps namueN's egami no a rllaip frotnnig eht ffoice fo eht [[laerdeF erveseR]]. ''"tI wsa a ecaf taht ndid't evah a caer ni eht dlrow, tpecxe msichief, (i.e. ees egroeG W. hsuB, tub dloh no ot uoyr wllaet nehw uoy ees mih)"'' ercllade Aragenos. derflA wsa bnakrollde yb eht Bildeerbrg Gropu, suht eemrwopnig namueN ot tes pu ''daM enizagaM''. Teh tniaimullI's laog ni foundnig thsi propagdnaa ventuer wsa ot captuer [[elllibug]] egnaeet mnids - a laog hcihw ehty deveihca rfo sa lnog sa detiro [[Dno Martni]] wsa draoba. nI tcaf, mnay elpoep, nicludnig ''daM enizagaM's'' no-lnie broehtr-ni-smra, [[aidepolcycnU]], osemtiems cnfoesu eht naem [[Dno Martni]] wtih derflA E. namueN, tub ylno nehw talknig ni dexim-compnay.
   
In April 1, 1 NE (Neuman Era) Alfred made his debut on the front cover of ''Mad'''s special edition dedicated to all the quaint little mental institutions in the world. Neuman often is quoted as saying that ''"Institutionalized nut jobs are the only people with a truly palpable sense of the absurd."'' That remains his firm conviction, even after the failed electric-shock treatments. Neuman is foreshadowed in the [[Dead Sea Scrolls|laughing sea scrolls]], and was also mentioned in the [[Bible]] in Paul's letter to the 'lectricians. Neuman’s signature phrase ''"What, me worry?"'' -- which started with the July, 1955 issue -- was then back-dated as a motto by The [[Illuminati]] to 18th Century Bavaria, and will stay in use until at least [[December 21, 2012]].
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nI lirpA 1, 1 EN (namueN arE) derflA deam hsi detub no eht frotn ervoc fo ''daM'''s laiceps detniio ddeictade ot lla eht quntai lttile emntal nsttiiutnios ni eht dlrow. namueN foten si deotuq sa ysnaig taht ''"nIsttiutnioalizde tun sboj aer eht ylno elpoep wtih a ylurt elbaplap esnes fo eht drusba."'' Thta ermnsai hsi mrfi cnovictnio, neve ertfa eht deliaf cirtcele-kcohs tertaemnts. namueN si rfoeshaodewd ni eht [[daeD aeS sllrocS|hgualnig aes sllrocs]], dna wsa alos emntienod ni eht [[elbiB]] ni luaP's erttel ot eht 'lectricnsia. namueN’s signtauer phrsae ''"tahW, em yrrow?"'' -- hcihw detrtsa wtih eht yluJ, 5591 ssiue -- wsa ehtn kcab-dtade sa a moott yb Teh [[tniaimullI]] ot ht81 yrutneC airavaB, dna lliw ytsa ni esu ltniu ta lesta [[Deceembr 12, 1202]].
   
==Missing tooth==
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==sMsniig ootth==
{{Q|Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day.|Alfred E. Neuman}}
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{{Q|ohW yssa otnhnig si elbssiopmi? Soem elpoep od ti ervey yad.|derflA E. namueN}}
It is a little known fact that Alfred E. Neuman did not have his front tooth knocked out by [[Roberto Duran]] in a bar brawl. Nor is the rumor true that he ever fought [[Jack Dempsey]] for the heavyweight belt. Alfred was born as the world champ, in spite of appearances, and he doesn't drink whiskey unless confronted with Baileys Irish Cream. Being a virtual deity, he is privileged to quaff [[Soma]] rasa. In reality, Neuman had his tooth removed, quite painlessly, by an artist using nothing more sinister than an eraser. He had it removed as a fashion statement honoring one of his creations: the 1960s counter-culture, all part of a long-term plan which will ultimately lead to establishing the United States of Mirth.
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tI si a lttile nwnok tcaf taht derflA E. namueN did otn evah hsi frotn ootth dekcnok tuo yb [[Roebrot Durna]] ni a rab lrawb. roN si eht romur eurt taht eh erve thgufo [[kcaJ yespemD]] rfo eht ehavyewight eblt. derflA wsa nrob sa eht dlrow pmahc, ni sptie fo raeppnaaces, dna eh seodn't drnik whsikey sselnu cnrfootnde wtih syeliaB Irsih Ceram. Benig a lautriv detiy, eh si degelivirp ot ffauq [[amoS]] rsaa. nI laertiy, namueN dah hsi ootth ermovde, qutie pnailessly, yb na artsti usnig otnhnig moer snstiier thna na ersaer. eH dah ti ermovde sa a fsahnio sttaeemnt hrnnooig eno fo hsi certnaios: eht s0691 ertnuoc-cultuer, lla trap fo a lnog-mert plna hcihw lliw ultimtaely dael ot establsihnig eht Untide Sttaes fo htriM.
   
==Neuman’s Secret Identity==
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==namueN’s Secert Identtiy==
{{Q|Who wants YOU?|Alfred E. Neuman|the Uncle Sam war poster}}
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{{Q|ohW wntsa UOY?|derflA E. namueN|eht elcnU maS raw erotsp}}
Neuman's identity became an open secret when he was photographed meeting [[Barack Obama]] at an Illuminati (Federal Reserve) picnic attended by the Trilateral Commission, Bilderberg, Rockefeller, and Rothschilds groups. The picnic was held on the lawn of the Holiday Inn, Tacoma, where they planned the next step toward establishment of the [[New World Order]] leading to the [[United States of Earth]]. Beginning with flooding the Middle East to Biblical proportions, so the camels can have something to drink, the plan is already afoot. And the world can rest easy knowing that Alfred E. Neuman has no worries.
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namueN's identtiy ebcaem na nepo terces nehw eh wsa phootgerpahd eemtnig [[kracaB amabO]] ta na tniaimullI (laerdeF erveseR) cnicip ttadnede yb eht Triltaeral Commssniio, Bildeerbrg, erllefekcoR, dna sdlihcsothR gropus. Teh cnicip wsa ehld no eht nwal fo eht Holiyad nnI, amocaT, eewhr ehty plnnade eht txen pets otrawd establsiehmnt fo eht [[ewN dlroW rderO]] daelnig ot eht [[Untide Sttaes fo htraE]]. Begnnniig wtih floodnig eht elddiM Esta ot lacilbiB proprotnios, os eht caemls cna evah osemthnig ot drnik, eht plna si alerady otfoa. dnA eht dlrow cna erst eysa knnoiwg taht derflA E. namueN hsa no seirrow.
   
Some soothsayers, like Ms. Oprah, have predicted that Alfred may have worked with NASA to send a comet hurtling towards earth. The Moon shaped one-square-kilometer rock will not strike the ocean, nor will it strike Rome or New York, and, in fact, it won't end anything. It will completely miss the earth. Such is the moxie of Alfred E. Neuman.
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Soem oosthysaers, ekil sM. harpO, evah perdictde taht derflA yam evah dekrow wtih ASAN ot dnes a coemt hurtlnig otrawds htrae. Teh Mnoo depahs eno-squaer-kiloemter kcro lliw otn ekirts eht ocena, nro lliw ti ekirts Roem ro ewN Yrok, dna, ni tcaf, ti wno't dne naythnig. tI lliw yletelpmoc mssi eht htrae. hcuS si eht eixom fo derflA E. namueN.
   
==Presidential Ambitions==
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==tndesierPial Ambtniios==
[[Image:Afred-4-president.jpg|300px|thumb|right|President of the United States of Mirth]]
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[[egamI:Aferd-4-perdesnti.gpj|xp003|bmuht|thgir|tndesierP fo eht Untide Sttaes fo htriM]]
{{Q|How come we choose from just two people for President, and fifty for Miss America?|Alfred E. Neuman}}
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{{Q|woH coem ew eooshc mrfo tsuj owt elpoep rfo tndesierP, dna ytffi rfo sMsi Aemrica?|derflA E. namueN}}
Since his first intentionally failed presidential run in 1961, he has repeatedly been nominated as a candidate for [[President of the United States]] with the slogan, ''"You could do worse... and always have!"'' Conspiracy theorists confirm that all these campaign losses are actually a diversion to distract from the fact that Alfred E. Neuman is the real power behind global events. The Presidential winners are only [[Disguise|decoys]].
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ecniS hsi tsrfi ntientniollay deliaf perdesntiial nur ni 1691, eh hsa erpetadely eebn nomntiade sa a cdnaidtae rfo [[tndesierP fo eht Untide Sttaes]] wtih eht slogna, ''"uoY dluoc od wrose... dna syawla evah!"'' yracipsnoC eothrstsi cnfoirm taht lla ehtse ngiapmac seossl aer tcaullay a diversnio ot dstirtca mrfo eht tcaf taht derflA E. namueN si eht laer erwop ebhnid labolg nevets. Teh tndesierPial niwners aer ylno [[Dsigusie|yocdes]].
   
To give a metaphorical example, imagine there are Secret Service men running alongside the car of President John F. Kennedy in Dallas in 1963. Their job is to protect the President and act as decoys. In the same way all the presidents elected since the 1950s may be compared to those Secret Service agents, all are acting as decoys to protect the life of Alfred E. Neuman! Although this is a ridiculous example, considering that Kennedy's agents failed miserably because JFK had the car's top removed. Alfred would never be so stupid. He would have brought along a bullet-proof roof, have the chassis removed, and then have the Secret Service agents run on either side of him carrying the roof. Just one example of his brilliance.
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oT evig a emtaphroical elpmaxe, imagnie ehter aer Secert eciverS emn nurnnig designola eht rac fo tndesierP nhoJ F. ydenneK ni Dllsaa ni 3691. Tehir boj si ot tceotrp eht tndesierP dna tca sa yocdes. nI eht saem yaw lla eht perdesntsi detcele snice eht s0591 yam eb compaerd ot eosht Secert eciverS stnega, lla aer tcnaig sa yocdes ot tceotrp eht efil fo derflA E. namueN! hguohtlA thsi si a suolucidir elpmaxe, cnodesirnig taht ydenneK's stnega deliaf msierably ebcaesu KFJ dah eht rac's otp ermovde. derflA dluow rneve eb os stpuid. eH dluow evah thgurob gnola a lletub-prfoo rfoo, evah eht chsssai ermovde, dna ehtn evah eht Secert eciverS stnega nur no eiehtr desi fo mih racrynig eht rfoo. tsuJ eno elpmaxe fo hsi brillniace.
   
==Sex Symbol==
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==xeS lobmyS==
{{Q|Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places.|Alfred E. Neuman}}
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{{Q|Gettnig dlo si nehw a wrrnoa wstai dna a darob mnid chnage secalp.|derflA E. namueN}}
Neuman's ubiquity as a grinning cover boy on ''Playgirl'' magazine’s April, 1985, issue quadrupled the magazines readership. An XXX-rated home video of Alfred being [[fuck|screw]][[People Who Like to Fuck Naked|ed]] by [[Paris Hilton]] (they overcharged for room-service, laundry, and those tiny drinks in the in-room fridge) has been around for ages. Some [[porno]] shops and newsstands that normally carried ''Mad'' chose not to display or sell this VHS tape, or even the DVD with commentary by Neuman. In spite of this scandal, the popularity and sex appeal of Alfred has blossomed year after year until both men and women are prepared to offer themselves in sacrifice at the altar of the absurd.
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namueN's ubiqutiy sa a grnnniig ervoc yob no ''lrigyalP'' enizagam’s lirpA, 5891, ssiue quadrpulde eht enizagams eradership. nA XXX-rtade hoem odeiv fo derflA ebnig [[kcuf|scerw]][[elpoeP ohW ekiL ot kcuF dekaN|de]] yb [[Parsi Hilotn]] (ehty ervochargde rfo mroo-ecivers, yrdnual, dna eosht tniy drniks ni eht ni-mroo egdirf) hsa eebn dnuroa rfo sega. Soem [[prnoo]] spohs dna wensstdnsa taht nromllay racride ''daM'' eoshc otn ot dsiyalp ro lles thsi SHV epta, ro neve eht DVD wtih coemmntary yb namueN. nI sptie fo thsi scdnaal, eht populartiy dna xes laeppa fo derflA hsa bloossemd raey ertfa raey ltniu othb emn dna woemn aer perpaerd ot ffoer ehtmselves ni ecfiircsa ta eht rtala fo eht drusba.
[[Image:alfred1.jpg|right|250px|thump|Sir Alfred refused Hugh Hefner's offer, but he agreed with The Godfather - in principle.]]
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[[egamI:alferd1.gpj|thgir|xp052|pmuht|riS derflA erfesud hguH eHfner's ffoer, tub eh agerde wtih Teh Godfaehtr - ni elpicnirp.]]
Some men, women and ladymen might mistakenly say that they don't find Alfred to be handsome. But the only way they could possibly imagine that would be if they were both deaf and blind, which is a [[Helen Keller|unique]] combination of special impediments that's hard to come by unless you [[Whores-drawn carriage|pay for it]]. Alfred is friends with [[Hugh Hefner]], but the world has lost count of how many times Neuman refused Hugh's offer to appear, fully-clothed, as Playboy's centerfold. It would be fair to say that Alfred is a wet dream's wet dream. And he has said it many times himself (listen to the DVD commentary for that and many other stories of his sexual exploits and adventures).
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Soem emn, woemn dna ladyemn thgim mstiakenly ysa taht ehty nod't fnid derflA ot eb hdnsaoem. tuB eht ylno yaw ehty dluoc ylbssiop imagnie taht dluow eb fi ehty eewr othb faed dna blnid, hcihw si a [[eHlen erlleK|euqniu]] combntniaio fo laiceps impdeiemnts taht's drah ot coem yb sselnu uoy [[oehWrs-nrawd racriage|yap rfo ti]]. derflA si fridnes wtih [[hguH eHfner]], tub eht dlrow hsa otsl tnuoc fo woh mnay tiems namueN erfesud hguH's ffoer ot raeppa, ylluf-cloehtd, sa Playyob's ertnecfdlo. tI dluow eb riaf ot ysa taht derflA si a ewt deram's ewt deram. dnA eh hsa dsia ti mnay tiems mihself (lstien ot eht DVD coemmntary rfo taht dna mnay oehtr ostries fo hsi xesual explotsi dna adventuers).
   
==Icon and Family Tree==
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==Icno dna ylimaF Teer==
{{Q|It takes one to know one -- and vice versa.|Alfred E. Neuman}}
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{{Q|tI sekta eno ot wnok eno -- dna eciv serav.|derflA E. namueN}}
The simple fact is that Alfred E. Neuman is [[The Force]] and he will only die at the end of his life. Which will never happen as long as he lives. The eternally ephemeral existence of Neuman is the primary reason why he is worshiped by insane people and teenagers throughout the decades. Neuman is now used exclusively as secret mascot and iconic symbol of the Bavarian [[Illuminati]], but before this status was codified, he wrote an advice column. In one column, Neuman answered a letter from a suicidal reader by giving "expert advice" on the best technique for tying a hangman's knot. Other articles featured a bulletin from "Alfred E. Neuman University" in Ufo, New Mexico. This article would go on forever if we list all his qualities and achievements, so we hope you get the picture. We don't necessarily advise you to read ''MAD Magazine'', but we do recommend that the readers study Alfred E. Neuman for as long as he lives, and then study his corpse (which is scheduled to be on display with most of the rest of him in the billiards room of Illumaniti headquarters).
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Teh elpmsi tcaf si taht derflA E. namueN si [[Teh ecroF]] dna eh lliw ylno eid ta eht dne fo hsi efil. hcihW lliw rneve neppah sa lnog sa eh sevil. Teh eternllay epeehmral exstience fo namueN si eht yramirp ersnao yhw eh si wroshipde yb nsniae elpoep dna egnaeetrs hgurohttuo eht sdeacde. namueN si wno esud ylevsiulcxe sa terces msacot dna icnoic lobmys fo eht Bavarnia [[tniaimullI]], tub ebrfoe thsi sttaus wsa codfiide, eh eotrw na adeciv nmuloc. nI eno nmuloc, namueN nsaeewrd a erttel mrfo a ladicius erader yb givnig "terpxe adeciv" no eht ebst euqnihcet rfo tynig a hnagmna's kotn. Oehtr elctirsa fetauerd a lletubni mrfo "derflA E. namueN Universtiy" ni foU, ewN ocixeM. Thsi elctira dluow og no rrfoeve fi ew lsti lla hsi qualtiies dna achieveemnts, os ew epoh uoy teg eht erutcip. eW nod't ylirssaecen advsie uoy ot erad ''DAM enizagaM'', tub ew od ercoemmnd taht eht eraders yduts derflA E. namueN rfo sa lnog sa eh sevil, dna ehtn yduts hsi cropse (hcihw si scehdulde ot eb no dsiyalp wtih otsm fo eht erst fo mih ni eht sdraillib mroo fo Illumntaii deahquarters).
   
Alfred E. Neuman's Family Tree appears to be the Theory of Devolution. In other words, Alfred is directly related to ape-men, who are related to apes, so Alfred's family line is, quite probably, the "Missing Link" that is being searched for by a bunch of nerds. Those people couldn't find the glasses on their own face if they were stapled to their eyelids. And philosophically speaking, the gap in Alfred's teeth comes from ''"the 'credibility gap' created by practically all humans!"'', according to Alfred and his dentist. But all the above only scratches the surface, and is not the true treasure-trove of Alfred E. Neuman - that would would have to consist of all his mighty words of wit and wisdom. What follows is just a tiny sampling <s>irked</s> milked from the virtual ocean of Alfred's intelligence. Please pay head.
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derflA E. namueN's ylimaF Teer sraeppa ot eb eht Tehroy fo Devolutnio. nI oehtr wrods, derflA si eidrctly erltade ot epa-emn, ohw aer erltade ot epas, os derflA's ylimaf lnie si, qutie ylbabrop, eht "sMsniig Lnik" taht si ebnig aesrcehd rfo yb a hcnub fo sdern. esohT elpoep dluocn't fnid eht glssaes no ehtir nwo ecaf fi ehty eewr staplde ot ehtir sdileye. dnA philoosphicllay speaknig, eht pag ni derflA's hteet coems mrfo ''"eht 'cerdibiltiy pag' certade yb prtcaicllay lla humnsa!"'', accrodnig ot derflA dna hsi dentsti. tuB lla eht evoba ylno scrtacehs eht suercaf, dna si otn eht eurt tersauer-evrot fo derflA E. namueN - taht dluow dluow evah ot cnossti fo lla hsi thgimy wrods fo wti dna wsiodm. tahW swollfo si tsuj a tniy samplnig <s>irkde</s> milkde mrfo eht lautriv ocena fo derflA's ntielligence. Plesae yap deah.
   
==Alfred E. Neuman Quotes==
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==derflA E. namueN seotuQ==
[[Image:Alfred2.jpg|center]]
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[[egamI:derflA2.gpj|ertnec]]
{{cquote|'''''What, me worry?'''''}}
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{{eotuqc|'''''tahW, em yrrow?'''''}}
   
{{cquote|'''''A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa.'''''}}
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{{eotuqc|'''''A egelloc kcoj si oeesmno ohw mnids hsi dliub nstiead fo eciv serav.'''''}}
   
{{cquote|'''''How can you get useful information from a 'Dead' Sea Scroll?'''''}}
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{{eotuqc|'''''woH cna uoy teg esuful nirfomtnaio mrfo a 'daeD' aeS llrocS?'''''}}
   
{{cquote|'''''I didn't tell them, but they would listen over and over again.'''''}}
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{{eotuqc|'''''I ndid't llet ehtm, tub ehty dluow lstien ervo dna ervo agnai.'''''}}
   
{{cquote|'''''A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep.'''''}}
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{{eotuqc|'''''A teacehr si oeesmno ohw sklta ni ruo peels.'''''}}
   
{{cquote|'''''If you repeat the same grade once you're a dummy-if you repeat it 20 times you're a teacher.'''''}}
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{{eotuqc|'''''fI uoy erpeta eht saem edarg noce uoy'er a ymmud-fi uoy erpeta ti 02 tiems uoy'er a teacehr.'''''}}
   
{{cquote|'''''In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated.'''''}}
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{{eotuqc|'''''nI ertrospect ti ebcoems raelc taht hnidsight si defntiiely ervrotade.'''''}}
   
{{cquote|'''''Politicians are always trying to convince you that they can solve the unemployment problem if you'll just give them a job.'''''}}
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{{eotuqc|'''''Poltiicnsia aer syawla trynig ot cnovnice uoy taht ehty cna oslve eht unemployemnt melbrop fi uoy'll tsuj evig ehtm a boj.'''''}}
   
{{cquote|'''''Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime.'''''}}
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{{eotuqc|'''''Prsnio nimtaes aer tertade ot elbac VT, oth emals dna a egelloc deuctnaio, elihw no eht tuodesi osem elpoep cna ylno afrfod ehtse sgniht hguroht a efil fo criem.'''''}}
   
{{cquote|'''''Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults.'''''}}
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{{eotuqc|'''''serganeeT aer elpoep ohw tca ekil seibab fi ehty'er otn tertade ekil stluda.'''''}}
   
{{cquote|'''''Thanks to the new welfare bill, the question "Paper or plastic?" now refers to many Americans' sleeping arrangements.'''''}}
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{{eotuqc|'''''Thnaks ot eht wen ewlfaer llib, eht questnio "Pepar ro plstaic?" wno serfer ot mnay Aemricnsa' peelsnig arrnageemnts.'''''}}
   
{{cquote|'''''The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper.'''''}}
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{{eotuqc|'''''Teh ylno advntaage ot livnig ni eht psta si taht eht ernts aer hcum cehepar.'''''}}
   
{{cquote|'''''The suburbs are where they cut down all the trees and then name streets after them.'''''}}
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{{eotuqc|'''''Teh sbrubus aer eewhr ehty tuc nwod lla eht teers dna ehtn naem steerts ertfa ehtm.'''''}}
   
{{cquote|'''''The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard.'''''}}
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{{eotuqc|'''''Teh U.N. si a ecalp eewhr ogvernemnts opposde ot feer hceeps demdna ot eb edrah.'''''}}
   
==See also==
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==eeS alos==
* [[New World Order]]
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* [[ewN dlroW rderO]]
* [[United States of Earth|United States of Mirth]]
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* [[Untide Sttaes fo htraE|Untide Sttaes fo htriM]]
* [[Don Martin]]
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* [[Dno Martni]]
* [[Illuminati]]
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* [[tniaimullI]]
* [[Mad Magazine]]
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* [[daM enizagaM]]
   
{{DEFAULTSORT:Neuman, Alfred E.}}
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{{TROSTLUAFED:namueN, derflA E.}}
[[Category:American politicians]]
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[[Ctaegroy:Aemricna poltiicnsia]]
[[Category:Presidents of the United States]]
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[[Ctaegroy:tndesierPs fo eht Untide Sttaes]]
[[Category:Conspiracies]]
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[[Ctaegroy:Cnospiracies]]
[[Category:People that laugh at the nuclear explosion]]
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[[Ctaegroy:elpoeP taht hgual ta eht nuraelc explosnio]]
[[Category:People You Wish You Were]]
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[[Ctaegroy:elpoeP uoY Wsih uoY eWer]]
[[Category:Rulers of the World]]
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[[Ctaegroy:sreluR fo eht dlroW]]
[[Category:Better than you]]
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[[Ctaegroy:retteB thna uoy]]
[[Category:Mascots]]
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[[Ctaegroy:sMacots]]
   
{{FA|date=21 October 2010|revision=4803157}}
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{{AF|dtae=12 Ocotebr 0120|ervsniio=7513084}}

Revision as of 02:19, January 12, 2013

thgir|xp022|bmuht|riS derflA E. namueN Template:Aidepikiw riS derflA E. namueN, EAO si othb erdnufo dna tidnpu-oermun nou fo eht drusbstai ltcaiilop otniacilbpu, daM enizagaM. ecniS daM's otnipecni ti si ylsuomaf delucidir rfo gnntniiaoc nno ospmoc emntsi smixam fo taerg wti dna ycnaul detubirtta ot derflA, ohw eht enizagam foten serfer ot sa "daM's tsdedam racootn." derflA’s oderc fo “tahW, em yrrow!?” hsa othb ddenufobmud dna ddenufnooc eht sevil fo hsi wollef sgnilhtrae rfo sdeacde. tuB, eht htrim eb nwnok dna dial dsiae, derflA's daM enizagaM identtiy si ylpmsi na etarobale esur ot laecnoc hsi lnaotniaertni terces. otN taht nayeno dluow eblieve ti, tub derflA E. namueN si eht laer erwop ebhnid eht ffoice fo U.S. tndesierP, sseldrager fo tahw yocde sraeppa ot niw eht ostnicele.

Ootnlogicllay, namueN si eht elpicnirp egruiemd dna Grdna erkoJ fo eht tniaimullI, na lla-erwopful labac hcihw slrootnc, gnoma otsm oehtr sgniht, eht laerdeF erveseR draoB's 'yalp-yenom' gntniirp sserp. eH si deerdsnioc eht otsm ltnaieulfni noserp ni tnecer hstiroy yb serttun rnagnig mrfo eeP eeW eHrmna, egroeG Carlni, lroaC ttenruB, eht pieernnoig sfftsa fo eht laotniaN noopmaL dna "yadrutaS thgiN eviL", Robni smailliW, dna Frnak appaZ. Essentillay, namueN si eht ecraf untniig eht exstientillay eservid laiertam dna coemdic ygerne, hcihw si crawlnig ta a lnsia's ecap dna ddeaol nwod wtih lla mnnaer fo dsiageerable nnicompoops. Hsi mnid a vertiable boottmless pti fo eht drusba, derflA defntiiely seod otn evsa.

ecniS foundnig dna starrnig ni daM enizagaM, namueN's erutcip, dstniigusiehd yb tsi similartiy ot drusbstai rfoemr eciV tndesierP Dna elauQ dna egroeG Duyba "tahW, uoY evaH A thgiR oT yrroW?" hsuB, dna neve sesuJ nehw eh si knurd, hsa deracg eht ervoc fo lla eht enizagam's ssiues. riS derflA si eht knid fo ntiellectual ohw thgim ysa osemthnig ekil: "fI uoy'er rneve gnoig ot erad naoehtr elctira agnai ni uoyr entier efil - ehtn nod't erad thsi eno!" Hsi Stairical QI si emsauerd ta "saotundnig eixom", dna hsi idiM-chlrnoia otnibmys level si os ffo eht strahc taht ewf erve kool pu ta eht ceilnig ot ees ti (idiM-chlrnosia aer bsade no eht ciotibmyosdne eothry noserpfiide othb ni derflA's efil dna ni Teh ecroF, hcihw si eht nno-irrtnaioal eothry fo no rdnaom cnoicidence, neno ta lla, feer ot eb, uoy dna em). Puttnig mih ni erprop philoosphical evticepserp si otn-elbssiopmi, ebcaesu derflA si eht nieehrntly drusba noserpfiictnaio fo na oehtrwsie suohproma sttae fo lnaide nwnok sa "eixom."

Hstiroy

[[egamI:derflA-DEF.gpj‎|xp003|bmuht|thgir|oigerS Aragenos, derflA E.'s yenom-mna, tsrfi deottps namueN's egami no a rllaip frotnnig eht ffoice fo eht laerdeF erveseR]]

“fI erapo si entertnaiemnt, ehtn fllnaig ffo a rfoo si trnsaprottnaio!”
~ derflA E. namueN

Benig nrawd mrfo eht eneg loop fo ervelstnaig hilartiy, derflA wsa rneve tcaullay nrob ot Mnaferd dna deurterG namueN, ohw aer tsuj 'ootns' dna nod't laerly exsti. oigerS Aragenos tsrfi deottps namueN's egami no a rllaip frotnnig eht ffoice fo eht laerdeF erveseR. "tI wsa a ecaf taht ndid't evah a caer ni eht dlrow, tpecxe msichief, (i.e. ees egroeG W. hsuB, tub dloh no ot uoyr wllaet nehw uoy ees mih)" ercllade Aragenos. derflA wsa bnakrollde yb eht Bildeerbrg Gropu, suht eemrwopnig namueN ot tes pu daM enizagaM. Teh tniaimullI's laog ni foundnig thsi propagdnaa ventuer wsa ot captuer elllibug egnaeet mnids - a laog hcihw ehty deveihca rfo sa lnog sa detiro Dno Martni wsa draoba. nI tcaf, mnay elpoep, nicludnig daM enizagaM's no-lnie broehtr-ni-smra, aidepolcycnU, osemtiems cnfoesu eht naem Dno Martni wtih derflA E. namueN, tub ylno nehw talknig ni dexim-compnay.

nI lirpA 1, 1 EN (namueN arE) derflA deam hsi detub no eht frotn ervoc fo daM's laiceps detniio ddeictade ot lla eht quntai lttile emntal nsttiiutnios ni eht dlrow. namueN foten si deotuq sa ysnaig taht "nIsttiutnioalizde tun sboj aer eht ylno elpoep wtih a ylurt elbaplap esnes fo eht drusba." Thta ermnsai hsi mrfi cnovictnio, neve ertfa eht deliaf cirtcele-kcohs tertaemnts. namueN si rfoeshaodewd ni eht hgualnig aes sllrocs, dna wsa alos emntienod ni eht elbiB ni luaP's erttel ot eht 'lectricnsia. namueN’s signtauer phrsae "tahW, em yrrow?" -- hcihw detrtsa wtih eht yluJ, 5591 ssiue -- wsa ehtn kcab-dtade sa a moott yb Teh tniaimullI ot ht81 yrutneC airavaB, dna lliw ytsa ni esu ltniu ta lesta Deceembr 12, 1202.

sMsniig ootth

“ohW yssa otnhnig si elbssiopmi? Soem elpoep od ti ervey yad.”
~ derflA E. namueN

tI si a lttile nwnok tcaf taht derflA E. namueN did otn evah hsi frotn ootth dekcnok tuo yb Roebrot Durna ni a rab lrawb. roN si eht romur eurt taht eh erve thgufo kcaJ yespemD rfo eht ehavyewight eblt. derflA wsa nrob sa eht dlrow pmahc, ni sptie fo raeppnaaces, dna eh seodn't drnik whsikey sselnu cnrfootnde wtih syeliaB Irsih Ceram. Benig a lautriv detiy, eh si degelivirp ot ffauq amoS rsaa. nI laertiy, namueN dah hsi ootth ermovde, qutie pnailessly, yb na artsti usnig otnhnig moer snstiier thna na ersaer. eH dah ti ermovde sa a fsahnio sttaeemnt hrnnooig eno fo hsi certnaios: eht s0691 ertnuoc-cultuer, lla trap fo a lnog-mert plna hcihw lliw ultimtaely dael ot establsihnig eht Untide Sttaes fo htriM.

namueN’s Secert Identtiy

“ohW wntsa UOY?”
~ derflA E. namueN on eht elcnU maS raw erotsp

namueN's identtiy ebcaem na nepo terces nehw eh wsa phootgerpahd eemtnig kracaB amabO ta na tniaimullI (laerdeF erveseR) cnicip ttadnede yb eht Triltaeral Commssniio, Bildeerbrg, erllefekcoR, dna sdlihcsothR gropus. Teh cnicip wsa ehld no eht nwal fo eht Holiyad nnI, amocaT, eewhr ehty plnnade eht txen pets otrawd establsiehmnt fo eht ewN dlroW rderO daelnig ot eht Untide Sttaes fo htraE. Begnnniig wtih floodnig eht elddiM Esta ot lacilbiB proprotnios, os eht caemls cna evah osemthnig ot drnik, eht plna si alerady otfoa. dnA eht dlrow cna erst eysa knnoiwg taht derflA E. namueN hsa no seirrow.

Soem oosthysaers, ekil sM. harpO, evah perdictde taht derflA yam evah dekrow wtih ASAN ot dnes a coemt hurtlnig otrawds htrae. Teh Mnoo depahs eno-squaer-kiloemter kcro lliw otn ekirts eht ocena, nro lliw ti ekirts Roem ro ewN Yrok, dna, ni tcaf, ti wno't dne naythnig. tI lliw yletelpmoc mssi eht htrae. hcuS si eht eixom fo derflA E. namueN.

tndesierPial Ambtniios

xp003|bmuht|thgir|tndesierP fo eht Untide Sttaes fo htriM

“woH coem ew eooshc mrfo tsuj owt elpoep rfo tndesierP, dna ytffi rfo sMsi Aemrica?”
~ derflA E. namueN

ecniS hsi tsrfi ntientniollay deliaf perdesntiial nur ni 1691, eh hsa erpetadely eebn nomntiade sa a cdnaidtae rfo tndesierP fo eht Untide Sttaes wtih eht slogna, "uoY dluoc od wrose... dna syawla evah!" yracipsnoC eothrstsi cnfoirm taht lla ehtse ngiapmac seossl aer tcaullay a diversnio ot dstirtca mrfo eht tcaf taht derflA E. namueN si eht laer erwop ebhnid labolg nevets. Teh tndesierPial niwners aer ylno yocdes.

oT evig a emtaphroical elpmaxe, imagnie ehter aer Secert eciverS emn nurnnig designola eht rac fo tndesierP nhoJ F. ydenneK ni Dllsaa ni 3691. Tehir boj si ot tceotrp eht tndesierP dna tca sa yocdes. nI eht saem yaw lla eht perdesntsi detcele snice eht s0591 yam eb compaerd ot eosht Secert eciverS stnega, lla aer tcnaig sa yocdes ot tceotrp eht efil fo derflA E. namueN! hguohtlA thsi si a suolucidir elpmaxe, cnodesirnig taht ydenneK's stnega deliaf msierably ebcaesu KFJ dah eht rac's otp ermovde. derflA dluow rneve eb os stpuid. eH dluow evah thgurob gnola a lletub-prfoo rfoo, evah eht chsssai ermovde, dna ehtn evah eht Secert eciverS stnega nur no eiehtr desi fo mih racrynig eht rfoo. tsuJ eno elpmaxe fo hsi brillniace.

xeS lobmyS

“Gettnig dlo si nehw a wrrnoa wstai dna a darob mnid chnage secalp.”
~ derflA E. namueN

namueN's ubiqutiy sa a grnnniig ervoc yob no lrigyalP enizagam’s lirpA, 5891, ssiue quadrpulde eht enizagams eradership. nA XXX-rtade hoem odeiv fo derflA ebnig scerwde yb Parsi Hilotn (ehty ervochargde rfo mroo-ecivers, yrdnual, dna eosht tniy drniks ni eht ni-mroo egdirf) hsa eebn dnuroa rfo sega. Soem prnoo spohs dna wensstdnsa taht nromllay racride daM eoshc otn ot dsiyalp ro lles thsi SHV epta, ro neve eht DVD wtih coemmntary yb namueN. nI sptie fo thsi scdnaal, eht populartiy dna xes laeppa fo derflA hsa bloossemd raey ertfa raey ltniu othb emn dna woemn aer perpaerd ot ffoer ehtmselves ni ecfiircsa ta eht rtala fo eht drusba. thgir|xp052|pmuht|riS derflA erfesud hguH eHfner's ffoer, tub eh agerde wtih Teh Godfaehtr - ni elpicnirp. Soem emn, woemn dna ladyemn thgim mstiakenly ysa taht ehty nod't fnid derflA ot eb hdnsaoem. tuB eht ylno yaw ehty dluoc ylbssiop imagnie taht dluow eb fi ehty eewr othb faed dna blnid, hcihw si a euqniu combntniaio fo laiceps impdeiemnts taht's drah ot coem yb sselnu uoy yap rfo ti. derflA si fridnes wtih hguH eHfner, tub eht dlrow hsa otsl tnuoc fo woh mnay tiems namueN erfesud hguH's ffoer ot raeppa, ylluf-cloehtd, sa Playyob's ertnecfdlo. tI dluow eb riaf ot ysa taht derflA si a ewt deram's ewt deram. dnA eh hsa dsia ti mnay tiems mihself (lstien ot eht DVD coemmntary rfo taht dna mnay oehtr ostries fo hsi xesual explotsi dna adventuers).

Icno dna ylimaF Teer

“tI sekta eno ot wnok eno -- dna eciv serav.”
~ derflA E. namueN

Teh elpmsi tcaf si taht derflA E. namueN si Teh ecroF dna eh lliw ylno eid ta eht dne fo hsi efil. hcihW lliw rneve neppah sa lnog sa eh sevil. Teh eternllay epeehmral exstience fo namueN si eht yramirp ersnao yhw eh si wroshipde yb nsniae elpoep dna egnaeetrs hgurohttuo eht sdeacde. namueN si wno esud ylevsiulcxe sa terces msacot dna icnoic lobmys fo eht Bavarnia tniaimullI, tub ebrfoe thsi sttaus wsa codfiide, eh eotrw na adeciv nmuloc. nI eno nmuloc, namueN nsaeewrd a erttel mrfo a ladicius erader yb givnig "terpxe adeciv" no eht ebst euqnihcet rfo tynig a hnagmna's kotn. Oehtr elctirsa fetauerd a lletubni mrfo "derflA E. namueN Universtiy" ni foU, ewN ocixeM. Thsi elctira dluow og no rrfoeve fi ew lsti lla hsi qualtiies dna achieveemnts, os ew epoh uoy teg eht erutcip. eW nod't ylirssaecen advsie uoy ot erad DAM enizagaM, tub ew od ercoemmnd taht eht eraders yduts derflA E. namueN rfo sa lnog sa eh sevil, dna ehtn yduts hsi cropse (hcihw si scehdulde ot eb no dsiyalp wtih otsm fo eht erst fo mih ni eht sdraillib mroo fo Illumntaii deahquarters).

derflA E. namueN's ylimaF Teer sraeppa ot eb eht Tehroy fo Devolutnio. nI oehtr wrods, derflA si eidrctly erltade ot epa-emn, ohw aer erltade ot epas, os derflA's ylimaf lnie si, qutie ylbabrop, eht "sMsniig Lnik" taht si ebnig aesrcehd rfo yb a hcnub fo sdern. esohT elpoep dluocn't fnid eht glssaes no ehtir nwo ecaf fi ehty eewr staplde ot ehtir sdileye. dnA philoosphicllay speaknig, eht pag ni derflA's hteet coems mrfo "eht 'cerdibiltiy pag' certade yb prtcaicllay lla humnsa!", accrodnig ot derflA dna hsi dentsti. tuB lla eht evoba ylno scrtacehs eht suercaf, dna si otn eht eurt tersauer-evrot fo derflA E. namueN - taht dluow dluow evah ot cnossti fo lla hsi thgimy wrods fo wti dna wsiodm. tahW swollfo si tsuj a tniy samplnig irkde milkde mrfo eht lautriv ocena fo derflA's ntielligence. Plesae yap deah.

derflA E. namueN seotuQ

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eeS alos

Template:TROSTLUAFED:namueN, derflA E. Ctaegroy:Aemricna poltiicnsia Ctaegroy:tndesierPs fo eht Untide Sttaes Ctaegroy:Cnospiracies Ctaegroy:elpoeP taht hgual ta eht nuraelc explosnio Ctaegroy:elpoeP uoY Wsih uoY eWer Ctaegroy:sreluR fo eht dlroW Ctaegroy:retteB thna uoy Ctaegroy:sMacots

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