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“Hey! Why can't anyone get me a bucket of water?”
“You're one to talk, Alexander!”
“Shut up, bitch! You're on fire, too!”
“Tell the Bitch part to that drummer dude, Pierre.”
Alexisonfire is a Post-hardcore/punk/disco-emo-prog/hard rock/harder rock band from Ontario, Canada, a place that is known for its burgeoning Post-hardcore/punk/disco-emo-prog/hard rock/harder rock scene. The band was formed after the breakup of three bands know as superunknown, super-duperunkown, and Shit even an indie kid form Silver Lake wouldn't know this band. Five dudes from the three different bands met in a basement in Toronto over hot pockets and red bull, and the amalgamation of insane sounds that was produced from the High-energy fizzy drinks led to a sound that can only be described as "Two Catholic School Girls getting spanked and then made to run a gauntlet of cock", which was the image transplanted on their eponymous first album cover.
The lineup for the first album consisted Hardcore screamer and dude who breaks shit onstage Robert Toadstool, Punk SInger/Guitarist Jimy Plantain, Melodic Singer/Guitarist Azamat Bagatov, backup singer and bassist John Paul Pope, and drummer Pierre LeHomme. As you can already see, every one of these dudes sang except for the drummer, but he was French-Canadian and therefore, a bitch.
The first album received mixed reviews, with the Toronto Herlad proclaiming "Nobody can scream/ sing softly/ sing hardly/ mash together melodic rock and hardcore punk in such an insane, ball-busting manner", while the Ottowa Scribe said, "WTF? This shit is too crazy". One magazine dared to have the unmitigated gall to compare them to Senses Fail for their scream/sing style, but this comparison was uncalled for, as Senses Fail lack testicles and sound like dying moose, while Alexisonfire's testicles hang to the floor. For this libel, Plantain tore the guilty reporter into four pieces and scattered them across Canada.
"Rapist Party" and the departure of LeHomme
For their second album, Rapist Party, the band fired drummer Pierre LeHomme, publicly stating he was distanced from the band, but his was mainly because he was a filthy Québecois pig. Toadstool later said they "did it for the lulz". The new drummer Kurt Novosegrohl, was an adept singer as well, and finally the band could have an album where every single dude sang.
The album got positive reviews all around mainly for the fact that they could all fucking sing... It blew peoples' minds. The band is currently on tour in Zimbabwe and will go back into the studio in at least 100 years.
It has Our Band Name on It
- .287 rifle shotgun Death Threat
- Opposite of Clockwise and a few Numbers
- Two Catholic School girls getting spanked and then made to run a gauntlet of cock
- Kodak Moments with Memphis Grizzlies
- How to Drown (and dying in Style)
- I Forget Where I'm Going
- You Want to Die Like Kennedy did in '63?
- Gumdrops (Yay!)
- Little Boys Raped by Michael Jackson
- Pull My Neck, Arch My Back
- This was on Fucking Purpose
- Unstoppable Force
- It was Hatred of the World and My Life that Made Me Write This Really Unnecessary Long Title and Kill Myself
- Side walk when ya mom walks
- Here's Your Deathbed, Mom, Now go Die Already
- All Subways Have Been Cut Off
- Endangered Fish and All That
- The Exorcist Girl
- This Powder Shit Is Really Good, Especially Up My Nose!
- Get Erectioned
- Happiness by the (cum) bucket load
- Alcoholic, Adulteress, Satan, and Jesus
- Where the Fuck am I?
- Evil Mailman and Evil Mail
- Cooked Toads
- We Are Deaf From the Noise We Make in the Studio
- Jump in the Fire Pit
- If This is the End, Thank God
- Sticky Stuff From Candles (He's a Bitch!)
- I Will Kill My Enemy,
- Soft Body
Old Whores/Young Pimps
- Old Whores
- Young Pimps
- Son of a Cunt
- Porn and Mayonaise
- Get to Fucking Bed
- South of Heaven
- I Don't Get Enough Sleep
- 742 Evergreen Terrace
- Don't Head For the Sun Because if You Do You'll Burn to Death
- Accept Rape
- Buried by the Record Label
Frog's Cum (EP)
- Frog's Cum
- Barack has a Jet
Hopefully, we will not have another album from them as they will probably break up and join their former groups.
Hopefully whoever wrote the last bit before this will die.
And please guys, let's remember, if you do not own at least one alexisonfire album, you're going straight to hell, where all the little boy abusing priests are.