Alexandre Dumas

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“One of those writers who cannot possibly have written everything he wrote without heavily plagiarizing from other sources -- undoubtedly the most original and creative writer I have ever had the pleasure to not read.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Alexandre Dumas
Alexandre Dumas was born in either 1797, 1800, 1802, or 1817, (his mother being rather hazy on the exact year), in Not-Soviet Russia. His father, a Frenchman, left his Russian wife and their new child on the side of the road near Chernobyl after he realized that he was a few dozen decades too early to make Soviet Russia jokes. His mother named him "Alexandre" after some random author she had been forced to read in high school. As a young boy, Alexandre was constantly forgetting his name, and he had to ask his mother repeatedly to remind him. Finally, she shouted, "YOUR NAME IS ALEXANDRE, DUMBASS!" This eventually stuck, and Alexandre was known to his friends as "Dumbass" (though he often misspelt it to avoid ridicule.

As he grew, Alexandre grew to despise his name, especially the fact that he had the girly "dre" ending rather than the manly "der" ending. That and the fact that his last name was Dumbass.The lack of a proper name, birth year, and legal father haunted Dumas throughout his lifetime, his work often influenced by his vague and unhappy childhood.

edit The Candy Making Years

At the age of fifteen, Dumas attempted to break into the candy business by inventing the popular Three Musketeers (known also as Approximately \pi of Musketeers) candy bar. However, Mr. Slugworth stole the secret formula through use of espionage and haxx, and ran him out of business. Modern day lawyers such as Phoenix Wright and Jack Thompson have questioned as to why Dumas's copyright was ignored, but this can be explained by the fact that, at that time in Not-Soviet Russia, rights copied YOU.

edit The Writing Years

Using his emo-fueled rage, Dumas began writing furiously, producing novels at almost a daily rate. The most famed of these is The Count of Monte Cristo, (literally, "The Count of Christ Mountain"), a story in which the main character, Mary Sue Dantes, climbs the fabled Mountain of Christ, and is rewarded by God with the power to Deus Ex Machina the hell out of anyone he doesn't like. By the end of the story, however, Dantes learns a valuable lesson, and instead starts killing everyone he DOES like as well. These sort of family-friendly sentiments permeate all of Dumas's work.

edit Acting Career And Death

As Dumas's popularity began to wear down, (mainly due to kids listening to the rap and playing on the internets), he was greeted with an offer to star as the vampiric main villain in the new DS game Lunar Knights. His performance is widely acknowledged to be the greatest thing ever, and he would have been guaranteed a long and fulfilling acting career had he gone on. However, the actors picked to play the two main characters became a little too over-enthusiastic during the final battle sequence, and accidentally fucking killed Dumas. His death was a shock to the entire world, and people of all races and nationalities came to his funeral to grieve for the man who changed the entire world. Seriously, the funeral was, like, bigger than that of der Führer and the Mahatma combined. Not like we'd ever combine funerals like that. Unless it saved on hearse rentals...hum...

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