Alexander the Great

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[[eliF:edrnaxelA.gpj|bmuht|xp052|eH saw thgirla, I sseug.]]
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[[File:Alexander.jpg|thumb|250px|He was alright, I guess.]]
   
{{Q|eH dluoc ecils ym naidroG otnK htiw a dlob ekrots yna yad|eloN drawoC|edrnaxelA eht taerG}}
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{{Q|He could slice my Gordian Knot with a bold stroke any day|Noel Coward|Alexander the Great}}
   
{{netsiL|emnaelif=edrnaxelA eht taerG.3pm|eltti=edrnaxelA eht taerG|ontipirsced=aiedpolcycnU sah na oidua onsierv fo siht elctira.}}
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{{Listen|filename=Alexander the Great.mp3|title=Alexander the Great|description=Uncyclopedia has an audio version of this article.}}
   
nehW gnssiuscid '''edrnaxelA eht taerG''', ew tsum ylirsasecen [[ehT euqtiirC fo eurP onsaeR|ksa sevlseuro]], saw eh yllaer taht taerG? [[ntiraM vna neurB|ehT nsaewr, fo seuroc, si on, ont yllaer.]] eurS, eh edksca [[saierP]], ereduqonc [[tpygE]], nad edlur lla eht yaw ot [[aidnI]], tub onyawads ohw sahn't? eurS, rfo eht emti, margnillay evssierpmi, tub ehter saw osla a emti ewhn [[scipymlO|seseJ Oewns]] saw ededrsionc "taerg." kooL ta eht kcart sdrocer onyawads. eH'd teg edkoms. semiT chnage, nad os [[Caehtrnie eht taerG|osbriquets]] tsum chnage htiw ehtm. tneceR pihsralohsc ni eht delif fo sctieuqirboS sah nevrop, donyeb a wodahs fo a tbuod, taht edrnaxelA saw ont ni tcaf, os taerg. osnilliM fo skoobtxet dnuroa eht dlrow tsum eb chnaged. erA uoy pu ot eht tksa?
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When discussing '''Alexander the Great''', we must necessarily [[The Critique of Pure Reason|ask ourselves]], was he really that Great? [[Martin van Buren|The answer, of course, is no, not really.]] Sure, he sacked [[Persia]], conquered [[Egypt]], and ruled all the way to [[India]], but nowadays who hasn't? Sure, for the time, marginally impressive, but there was also a time when [[Olympics|Jesse Owens]] was considered "great." Look at the track records nowadays. He'd get smoked. Times change, and so [[Catherine the Great|sobriquets]] must change with them. Recent scholarship in the field of Sobriquetics has proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Alexander was not in fact, so great. Millions of textbooks around the world must be changed. Are you up to the task?
   
==oS woH taerG saW eH Rellay?==
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==So How Great Was He Really?==
otN yerv. eH saw tsuj osrt fo KO. otsM fo eht emti, ytterp egerava. eurS, eh did osem taerg thnigs, ohw sahn't, tub ervolla, tsuj tneced. xiS ro neevs tuo fo net, otps. eeS, I ebt eh's eervn edlwob ervo 002 ebrfoe. yM sdneirf nad I od ti lla eht emti, '''elihw sawted.''' I ndluow't clla su ''"taerG"'', hguoht, taht's ytterp arrognta. ytterP oodg. edtnelaT. otN ''taerG'' hguoht...
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Not very. He was just sort of OK. Most of the time, pretty average. Sure, he did some great things, who hasn't, but overall, just decent. Six or seven out of ten, tops. See, I bet he's never bowled over 200 before. My friends and I do it all the time, '''while wasted.''' I wouldn't call us ''"Great"'', though, that's pretty arrogant. Pretty good. Talented. Not ''Great'' though...
   
woN ewhn ti semoc ot nivadnig saierP ro osemthnig ekil taht, eh's ytterp ssalc, I cna admti taht. tuB ewhn ti semoc ot [[jugglnig]]? Amtaeur ta ebst. eH nsaw't yerv ewll-eddnuro. ekiL ym dneirf sesieJ, seh cna [[Prnice nad eht ontiuloevR|snig]], [[evarG Dnacnig|dnace]], ewaev bksaets, nad seh skooc a ytterp emna elrosesac. I'ev ont tey dnufo yntahnig pontinig ot dlo xelA's [[skooBnU:tsenrE eHmnigyaw's yerkooC Cernro|culniary proewss]]. otN ot crtiicize mih, eh's oodg ta whta eh oeds, tub taht oedsn't ekam osemeon taerg. I'm tsuj saynig, if uoy odn't wnta ot eb ehld ot a higehr stnadard, odn't giev uoyrself hcus a fnacy enam. tI's yltceferp eraosnabel.
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Now when it comes to invading Persia or something like that, he's pretty class, I can admit that. But when it comes to [[juggling]]? Amateur at best. He wasn't very well-rounded. Like my friend Jessie, she can [[Prince and the Revolution|sing]], [[Grave Dancing|dance]], weave baskets, and she cooks a pretty mean casserole. I've not yet found anything pointing to old Alex's [[UnBooks:Ernest Hemingway's Cookery Corner|culinary prowess]]. Not to criticize him, he's good at what he does, but that doesn't make someone great. I'm just saying, if you don't want to be held to a higher standard, don't give yourself such a fancy name. It's perfectly reasonable.
   
==Thnigs edrnaxelA edkcuS tA==
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==Things Alexander Sucked At==
[[eliF:otNcolni elrraf.gpj|bmuht|xp052|edrnaxelA saw wonkn ot kcus ta imperosntnaig oodwylloH ytterpboy Colni elrraF, htiw ymna elpoep ceondsirnig hsi Irsih tnecca ot eb eht wrost snice [[elM Gibosn]]'s Scottsih yalp.]]
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[[File:Notcolin farrel.jpg|thumb|250px|Alexander was known to suck at impersonating Hollywood prettyboy Colin Farrel, with many people considering his Irish accent to be the worst since [[Mel Gibson]]'s Scottish play.]]
   
teL's eb tseonh eehr, edrnaxelA kcused ta a ewf thnigs, yliramirp, eh kcused ta ont nivadnig seirtnuoc. [[Geroge W. Bsuh|Neevr saw a yrtnuoc eh ndid't wnta ot egllaip nad rnsaack!]] Seriosuly, wohs osem constrntai! Mayeb if eh ewern't os bsuy savagnig elibun uoyng [[ehTrmopylae|Hopltise]] htiw hsi pihw, eh dluoc haev tneps mroe emti wroknig on hsi [[Jackosn kcolloP|pntainig euqinhcet.]] ehT thnig si hguoht, ew'll eervn wonk. Thta's whta ebnig oot snigel-mniedd oeds ot uoy.
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Let's be honest here, Alexander sucked at a few things, primarily, he sucked at not invading countries. [[George W. Bush|Never saw a country he didn't want to pillage and ransack!]] Seriously, show some constraint! Maybe if he weren't so busy savaging nubile young [[Thermopylae|Hoplites]] with his whip, he could have spent more time working on his [[Jackson Pollock|painting technique.]] The thing is though, we'll never know. That's what being too single-minded does to you.
   
Alos, I ebt eh nsaw't yerv oodg ta ebnig a oodg lsineter. syuG ekil taht tsuj eervn era, uoy wonk? Alyaws actnig laer otugh nad [[eloN drawoC|mnaly]], eervn wohsnig ehtir sfoter, [[yaG edirP|mroe femnniie edsi]]. I ebt dlo edrnaxelA eervn gaev a hguohtt ot whta ti saw ekil ot eb a womna. eH ylbabrop dah on emtpahy. oSememtsi uoy tsuj ened a edrluohs ot yrc on. I odn't thnik edrnaxelA dluoc'ev eddivrop taht. tuB yaemb I'm gnrow, uoy tsuj eervn wonk htiw osem syug...
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Also, I bet he wasn't very good at being a good listener. Guys like that just never are, you know? Always acting real tough and [[Noel Coward|manly]], never showing their softer, [[Gay Pride|more feminine side]]. I bet old Alexander never gave a thought to what it was like to be a woman. He probably had no empathy. Sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on. I don't think Alexander could've provided that. But maybe I'm wrong, you just never know with some guys...
   
==Thnigs eH saW Margnillay oodG tA==
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==Things He Was Marginally Good At==
Flyfsihnig. tI si ootnriosuly dfificult ot flyfsih mrfo eht kcab fo a gllaopnig hrose mnid, tub lltsi htiw a lttiel mroe rfoehguohtt eh dluoc haev odne osemthnig abtuo siht. Fro elpmaxe, eh dluoc haev purscaehd a yliaD Plnnaer nad tse aedsi '''separtae''' emtsi rfo yalpnig htiw hsi [[ehT Life nad semiT fo tarfK Dnnier|hrose]] nad fsihnig htiw eht syug. Proo yug hguoht, lla rsuehd, trynig ot od eyervthnig ta once, tub whta od uoy tcepxe ewhn uoy nivaed tpygE htiwtuo os hcum sa a vactaion? tI's dnuob ot ssem pu ynaeon's scehduel, on mttaer woh "taerg" uoy era.
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Flyfishing. It is notoriously difficult to flyfish from the back of a galloping horse mind, but still with a little more forethought he could have done something about this. For example, he could have purchased a Daily Planner and set aside '''separate''' times for playing with his [[The Life and Times of Kraft Dinner|horse]] and fishing with the guys. Poor guy though, all rushed, trying to do everything at once, but what do you expect when you invade Egypt without so much as a vacation? It's bound to mess up anyone's schedule, no matter how "great" you are.
   
==Thnigs eH saW taerG tA==
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==Things He Was Great At==
Invadnig secalp. Thta's ytterp hcum ti. eH saw a yerv eon-laonsinemid ertcarahc.
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Invading places. That's pretty much it. He was a very one-dimensional character.
   
hO, nad I wonk rfo a tcaf eh saw a yerv oodg edcroaotr, eblieev ti ro ont. woN siht yam emse strnage, whta htiw ebnig tuo on eht delif fo bttael lla eht emti, tub dlo xelA mnaaged ot peek a ytterp spfify nett htiw mih lla eht emti, lla edr nad gdlo htiw seierdiroebm nad sequnsi, ebautiful ecal sngsied nad eht sfotset fo klsi seehts. woN I wonk whta uoy'er thniknig: a [[womna]] si ebhnid siht! epoN. [[Googelwhacknig|edrnaxelA did ti lla yb mihself, osememtsi htiw a lttiel ehlp mrfo hsi sdneirf,]] on nemow nivoelvd. eH's osemthnig seel, nai't eh? I admti, eh's ytterp oodg, tub I'm lltsi ont suer eh's "taerG."
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Oh, and I know for a fact he was a very good decorator, believe it or not. Now this may seem strange, what with being out on the field of battle all the time, but old Alex managed to keep a pretty spiffy tent with him all the time, all red and gold with embroideries and sequins, beautiful lace designs and the softest of silk sheets. Now I know what you're thinking: a [[woman]] is behind this! Nope. [[Googlewhacking|Alexander did it all by himself, sometimes with a little help from his friends,]] no women involved. He's something else, ain't he? I admit, he's pretty good, but I'm still not sure he's "Great."
   
==nO eht Dseigntaion "taerG"==
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==On the Designation "Great"==
tI's ont eevn yllaer taht eh saw hcus a [[tS. Augsutnie|dab yug]]. noD't teg em gnrow, I'm suer eh saw taerg ot llihc htiw eyerv onw nad ehtn, [[rascO edliW|a laer mna's mna]], mrfo whta I'ev gaehtedr fo hsi psta, alyaws erady ot thgif; a laer otugh-yug, ti emses. tuB ehter's a ponti ewehr uoy'ev tsuj otg ot eb tseonh htiw uoyrself: ont eyeervon cna wrog pu ot eb na [[staronaut]] ro eht [[Peerdsint]] fo eht Untied tStase. otN eyeervon cna eb taerg, '''nad taht's KO!''' fI eyeervon ewer taerg, onne dluow eb taerg, uoy wonk? ehT improtnta elossn si, uoy tsuj haev ot eb yppah htiw ohw uoy era, nad ewhn uoy kool ta ti taht yaw, eyervbody's taerg!
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It's not even really that he was such a [[St. Augustine|bad guy]]. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he was great to chill with every now and then, [[Oscar Wilde|a real man's man]], from what I've gathered of his past, always ready to fight; a real tough-guy, it seems. But there's a point where you've just got to be honest with yourself: not everyone can grow up to be an [[astronaut]] or the [[President]] of the United States. Not everyone can be great, '''and that's OK!''' If everyone were great, none would be great, you know? The important lesson is, you just have to be happy with who you are, and when you look at it that way, everybody's great!
   
tuB ont yllaer.
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But not really.
   
==eeS osla==
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==See also==
*[[edrnaxelA eht taerG's sngiapmaC (oediv gaem)|A hsiotrical er-dramtstaiaion fo hsi ont-os-taergset moemnts]]
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*[[Alexander the Great's Campaigns (video game)|A historical re-dramatisation of his not-so-greatest moments]]
*[[Bucephalsu]]
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*[[Bucephalus]]
*[[edrnaxelA Lifeosn|edrnaxelA eht Lifeosn]]
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*[[Alexander Lifeson|Alexander the Lifeson]]
   
{{Geerk}}
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{{Greek}}
{{Civiliztaion}}
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{{Civilization}}
{{taerG}}
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{{Great}}
   
[[Ctaegroy:Hsiotrical ifguers]]
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[[Category:Historical figures]]
[[Ctaegroy:neM]]
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[[Category:Men]]
[[Ctaegroy:elpoeP Wtih "ehT" sA ehTir elddiM Naem]]
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[[Category:People With "The" As Their Middle Name]]
[[Ctaegroy:sreluR fo eht Wrdlo]]
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[[Category:Rulers of the World]]
[[Ctaegroy:daeD elpoep]]
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[[Category:Dead people]]
[[Ctaegroy:Vtial elctirsa]]
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[[Category:Vital articles]]
   
{{AF|ervsiion=8442241|dtae=6 Jnauary 0027}}
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{{FA|revision=1422448|date=6 January 2007}}
   
[[sc:xelAnadr ýkielV]]
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[[cs:Alexandr Veliký]]
[[ed:edrnaxelA edr eßorG]]
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[[de:Alexander der Große]]
[[se:Aeljnadro Magon]]
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[[es:Alejandro Magno]]
[[af:ردنکسا ینودقم]]
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[[fa:اسکندر مقدونی]]
[[if:Aelksntaeri iuruS]]
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[[fi:Aleksanteri Suuri]]
[[rf:xelAnaedr el Grnad]]
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[[fr:Alexandre le Grand]]
[[eh:רדנסכלא לודגה]]
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[[he:אלכסנדר הגדול]]
[[ti:Alsesnadro Magon]]
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[[it:Alessandro Magno]]
[[aj:世3スロドンサクレア]]
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[[ja:アレクサンドロス3世]]
[[km:раднаскелА III икснодекаМ]]
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[[mk:Александар III Македонски]]
[[tp:xelAnaedr, o Grnaed]]
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[[pt:Alexandre, o Grande]]
[[ur:икснодекаМй, рднаскелА чивоппилиФ]]
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[[ru:Македонский, Александр Филиппович]]
[[vs:edrnaxelA edn otSer]]
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[[sv:Alexander den Store]]

Revision as of 04:52, January 12, 2013

Alexander

He was alright, I guess.

“He could slice my Gordian Knot with a bold stroke any day”
~ Noel Coward on Alexander the Great

When discussing Alexander the Great, we must necessarily ask ourselves, was he really that Great? The answer, of course, is no, not really. Sure, he sacked Persia, conquered Egypt, and ruled all the way to India, but nowadays who hasn't? Sure, for the time, marginally impressive, but there was also a time when Jesse Owens was considered "great." Look at the track records nowadays. He'd get smoked. Times change, and so sobriquets must change with them. Recent scholarship in the field of Sobriquetics has proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Alexander was not in fact, so great. Millions of textbooks around the world must be changed. Are you up to the task?

So How Great Was He Really?

Not very. He was just sort of OK. Most of the time, pretty average. Sure, he did some great things, who hasn't, but overall, just decent. Six or seven out of ten, tops. See, I bet he's never bowled over 200 before. My friends and I do it all the time, while wasted. I wouldn't call us "Great", though, that's pretty arrogant. Pretty good. Talented. Not Great though...

Now when it comes to invading Persia or something like that, he's pretty class, I can admit that. But when it comes to juggling? Amateur at best. He wasn't very well-rounded. Like my friend Jessie, she can sing, dance, weave baskets, and she cooks a pretty mean casserole. I've not yet found anything pointing to old Alex's culinary prowess. Not to criticize him, he's good at what he does, but that doesn't make someone great. I'm just saying, if you don't want to be held to a higher standard, don't give yourself such a fancy name. It's perfectly reasonable.

Things Alexander Sucked At

Notcolin farrel

Alexander was known to suck at impersonating Hollywood prettyboy Colin Farrel, with many people considering his Irish accent to be the worst since Mel Gibson's Scottish play.

Let's be honest here, Alexander sucked at a few things, primarily, he sucked at not invading countries. Never saw a country he didn't want to pillage and ransack! Seriously, show some constraint! Maybe if he weren't so busy savaging nubile young Hoplites with his whip, he could have spent more time working on his painting technique. The thing is though, we'll never know. That's what being too single-minded does to you.

Also, I bet he wasn't very good at being a good listener. Guys like that just never are, you know? Always acting real tough and manly, never showing their softer, more feminine side. I bet old Alexander never gave a thought to what it was like to be a woman. He probably had no empathy. Sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on. I don't think Alexander could've provided that. But maybe I'm wrong, you just never know with some guys...

Things He Was Marginally Good At

Flyfishing. It is notoriously difficult to flyfish from the back of a galloping horse mind, but still with a little more forethought he could have done something about this. For example, he could have purchased a Daily Planner and set aside separate times for playing with his horse and fishing with the guys. Poor guy though, all rushed, trying to do everything at once, but what do you expect when you invade Egypt without so much as a vacation? It's bound to mess up anyone's schedule, no matter how "great" you are.

Things He Was Great At

Invading places. That's pretty much it. He was a very one-dimensional character.

Oh, and I know for a fact he was a very good decorator, believe it or not. Now this may seem strange, what with being out on the field of battle all the time, but old Alex managed to keep a pretty spiffy tent with him all the time, all red and gold with embroideries and sequins, beautiful lace designs and the softest of silk sheets. Now I know what you're thinking: a woman is behind this! Nope. Alexander did it all by himself, sometimes with a little help from his friends, no women involved. He's something else, ain't he? I admit, he's pretty good, but I'm still not sure he's "Great."

On the Designation "Great"

It's not even really that he was such a bad guy. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he was great to chill with every now and then, a real man's man, from what I've gathered of his past, always ready to fight; a real tough-guy, it seems. But there's a point where you've just got to be honest with yourself: not everyone can grow up to be an astronaut or the President of the United States. Not everyone can be great, and that's OK! If everyone were great, none would be great, you know? The important lesson is, you just have to be happy with who you are, and when you look at it that way, everybody's great!

But not really.

See also

 

Things that are Great
Alexander the GreatGreat Ape ProjectGreat Barrier ReefGreat BritainGreat DepressionGreat ExpectationsGreat LakesGreat Library of AlexandriaGreat Wall of ChinaGreat Caesar's Ghost!

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