Alexander Graham Bell-End

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'''dernaxelA maharG lleB-dnE''' saw denwnoer rfo sih ssenevtnievni dna lla-dnuro lnaotiacniummocelet ssensuoirtsudni, gnicudrotni leraves stneemcnavda ni troppsu fo tsih raluctirap muidemdnuos tneemvom. tsgnomA eseht si eht tsrfi enohpelet, eht tsrfi enohpelet genahcxes, eh ntiroduced enohpelet xeslnies, eht tsrfi elibom dna eht tsrfi hdnsa-eerf tes. [[geami:llebga.gpj|thgir|bmuht|dernaxelA sa eh deraeppa ni sih lriGyalP oothsoothp ni 4891]]
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'''Alexander Graham Bell-End''' was renowned for his inventiveness and all-round telecommunicational industriousness, introducing several advancements in support of this particular mediumsound movement. Amongst these is the first telephone, the first telephone sexchange, he introduced telephone sexlines, the first mobile and the first hands-free set. [[image:agbell.jpg|right|thumb|Alexander as he appeared in his PlayGirl photoshoot in 1984]]
   
   
===ylraE sraey===
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===Early years===
   
dernaxelA saw fsacntiaed yb eht tpecnoc fo enohpelets mrfo na ylrae gea dna dluoc foten eb ehard playnig 'enohpelets' htiw sih nnnay, maknig pu semna rfo eht suoirav strap fo eht enohp. eH dluow nromllay eb eht geral laid, dna sih nnnay dluow eb eht reviecer, emosthnig seh dekeirhs ta no mnay na occsnaio.
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Alexander was fascinated by the concept of telephones from an early age and could often be heard playing 'telephones' with his nanny, making up names for the various parts of the phone. He would normally be the large dial, and his nanny would be the receiver, something she shrieked at on many an occasion.
[[geami:big_enohpelet.gpj|tfel|bmuht|Teh dlrow's tsrfi enohpelet, derutcip ehre edstiuo Teh Ntnnaioal Teleenohp muesuM, Cuembrnauld, Wnaksahire]]
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[[image:big_telephone.jpg|left|thumb|The world's first telephone, pictured here outside The Nationnal Telephone Museum, Cumbernauld, Wankashire]]
   
eH saw thgurob pu no eht yrev mir fo lleB dnE ni erihsretsecroW, dna nideed ewhn uoy leep kcab dna eye eht ylimaf sihotry, uoy cna ees eh saw rsaied mrfo doog kcots. Hsi faehtr, riS yrraH lleB-dnE, saw na rerolpxe dna saw eht tsrfi ot tge sih edah tew dernu eht Virgni Fllsa ni peeD htuoS selaW. eH saw osla deruomur ot evah dsicrevoed eht wno suomaf Wnniet’s Pssa ni Derybshire, emosthnig thta ti’s eurt ot ysa otn mnay nem evah derad enternig.
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He was brought up on the very rim of Bell End in Worcestershire, and indeed when you peel back and eye the family history, you can see he was raised from good stock. His father, Sir Harry Bell-End, was an explorer and was the first to get his head wet under the Virgin Falls in Deep South Wales. He was also rumoured to have discovered the now famous Winnet’s Pass in Derbyshire, something that it’s true to say not many men have dared entering.
   
Hsi faehtr saw respnosible rfo hcum fo eht cftniieics kwnoledge thta dernaxelA tnrael dna osla fo eht rufo lnagugesa eh dluoc kaeps (hcnerF, Ltnai, hsleW dna ibajnuP), hguohtla ti’s eebn docunemted thta sih faehtr saw a lttile tlucfifid ot dernsutdna no tnuocca fo sih peed throtay eciov, otnhnig thta I’m ersu a doog hguoc dluow evah deraelc. dernaxelA saw kciuq ot nrael dna nideed dah a tsriht rfo kwnoledge, foten pullnig no sih faehtr ot evig mih erom.
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His father was responsible for much of the scientific knowledge that Alexander learnt and also of the four languages he could speak (French, Latin, Welsh and Punjabi), although it’s been documented that his father was a little difficult to understand on account of his deep throaty voice, nothing that I’m sure a good cough would have cleared. Alexander was quick to learn and indeed had a thirst for knowledge, often pulling on his father to give him more.
   
nI addtniio ot sih ylrae nraelnigs, sih faehtr otught eht uoyng lleB-dnE woh ot dnef rfo mihfles ni eht dliw, swohnig a eurt huntsmna’s nstniicts dna woh ot trap dna llik smlla naimals dna sdrib, sunig nroc dna yelrab ot xaoc ni eht dsia yerp. nIdeed sih faehtr dah qutie a reputtnaio locllay sa ebnig a laerec mstaer btaier.
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In addition to his early learnings, his father tought the young Bell-End how to fend for himself in the wild, showing a true huntsman’s instincts and how to trap and kill small animals and birds, using corn and barley to coax in the said prey. Indeed his father had quite a reputation locally as being a cereal master baiter.
   
Desptie ralpuop eblief sih faehtr saw otn eht laer brnaibox fo eht esuohthta hnoour tnew ot sih moehtr, emaD Fnnay Bttaer, ehrfles a cunnnig lnigsuti (nicidentllay seh tpek ehr nediam enam sa seh tlef addnig a lleB-dnE ot ehr Fnnay dluow evah cretaed a enam thta edam elpoep otn ekta ehr ylsuoires). Seh saw tneulf ni 8 lnagugesa, dah a clssaics eerged dna osla a buddnig amtaeur scientsti. Whta eraps emti seh dah ot ehrfles seh dekil ot ekta ti ni eht stra, emosthnig yrraH lleB-dnE saw noly oot yppah ot geilbo dna evig ehr sa hcum sa seh wntaed. dernaxelA rellay dekool pu ot Fnnay ni a yaw fo admirtnaio dna wntaed ot eb tsuj ekil ehr (hguohtla a mna-versnio).
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Despite popular belief his father was not the real brainbox of the housethat honour went to his mother, Dame Fanny Batter, herself a cunning linguist (incidentally she kept her maiden name as she felt adding a Bell-End to her Fanny would have created a name that made people not take her seriously). She was fluent in 8 languages, had a classics degree and also a budding amateur scientist. What spare time she had to herself she liked to take it in the arts, something Harry Bell-End was only too happy to oblige and give her as much as she wanted. Alexander really looked up to Fanny in a way of admiration and wanted to be just like her (although a man-version).
   
===dnuoS===
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===Sound===
eH saw yrev ntierested ni dnuos mrfo na ylrae gea. nIdeed yb eht gea fo 41 eh’d ydaerla depoleved sih tsrfi tros fo enohpelet sunig emos tampnos deti otgeehtr. Unrfotuntaely ehty ndid’t krow oot llew sa ehty absroebd eht ydoolb dnuos. eH deirt leraves tnereffid alterntaive tiems revo eht txen ewf sraey nicludnig otilet elro nsierts, plnta sotp dna tnakards. Teh ebst proottype eh depoleved saw sunig xilK vdnenig machnie cpsuehty erew sutiably riebbd rfo artxe cotnrolled vibrtnaio. Benig a rfoward thniknig scientsti, eh snoo laersied thta a collectnio fo strnig bsaed xilK drniks cpsu dluow snoo hti semlbrop, raluctiraply lniknig eht thosudnsa fo esuohholds dna bsuniess thta eht dlrow dluow demdna ni eht comnig sraey.
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He was very interested in sound from an early age. Indeed by the age of 14 he’d already developed his first sort of telephone using some tampons tied together. Unfortunately they didn’t work too well as they absorbed the bloody sound. He tried several different alternative items over the next few years including toilet role inserts, plant pots and tankards. The best prototype he developed was using Klix vending machine cupsthey were suitably ribbed for extra controlled vibration. Being a forward thinking scientist, he soon realised that a collection of string based Klix drinks cups would soon hit problems, particularly linking the thousands of households and business that the world would demand in the coming years.
   
   
eH dedeen emosthnig raluctiraply niventive dna eh delbmuts no eht ootl ew wno kwno sa a enohpelet qutie yb tnedicca. eH dah deiduts dnuos sa trap fo sih ceTB esruoc ta Arbrotah ht6 rfom geelloc dna ootk tsih furehtr noce eh’d detelpmoc sih seiduts. [[geami:gsamsak.gpj|tfel|bmuht|ylraE ttaempt ta eulb ootth sseleriw edaeths]]
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He needed something particularly inventive and he stumbled on the tool we now know as a telephone quite by accident. He had studied sound as part of his BTec course at Arbroath 6th form college and took this further once he’d completed his studies. [[image:gasmask.jpg|left|thumb|Early attempt at blue tooth wireless headset]]
tslihW dernugnoig stset rfo elticere dysfunctnio, eh otniced eht physicsti peek tuggnig no sih eriw. eH actullay deyojne ti. oslA eh otniced ehtre saw a communictnaio lnik ebteewn eht receptniosti dna eht physicstiwoehver tsih saw ylerem a tubtno hcihw eht physicsti desserp, a thgil emac no ni eht receptniosti’s moro dna seh emac boundnig hguroht ot ecivres sih sdeen. tI saw tsih kraps thta igndeti ni dernaxelsA’ edahwhta tuoba fi owt nidividuals dluoc klta yleotemr sunig lacirtcele seslup ot emoswoh trnsamti dnuoss. kcuF em eh’d dnoe ti.
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Whilst undergoing tests for erectile dysfunction, he noticed the physicist keep tugging on his wire. He actually enjoyed it. Also he noticed there was a communication link between the receptionist and the physicisthowever this was merely a button which the physicist pressed, a light came on in the receptionist’s room and she came bounding through to service his needs. It was this spark that ignited in Alexanders’ headwhat about if two individuals could talk remotely using electrical pulses to somehow transmit sounds. Fuck me he’d done it.
[[geami:enohpeletbox.gpj|thgir|bmuht|Tehse der erectnios erew commno no Brtsiih hgih steerts]]
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[[image:telephonebox.jpg|right|thumb|These red erections were common on British high streets]]
   
===Teleenohp developnemt===
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===Telephone development===
   
Hsi tsrfi enohpelet saw a rojam sseccsu, brnignig communctnaios ot eht mssaes. Desptie ebnig rellay ehavy (ti ootk owt nem ot lfti eht reviecer) ti saw na nstntia sseccsu. Hoewver tsih saw otn hgunoe rfo dernaxelA - eh wntaed ot ecudrop emosthnig thta dluoc eb decalp no elpoep's sksed, no yduts suaerub dna ni cilbup otilets. (sa derutcip)
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His first telephone was a major success, bringing communcations to the masses. Despite being really heavy (it took two men to lift the receiver) it was an instant success. However this was not enough for Alexander - he wanted to produce something that could be placed on people's desks, on study bureaus and in public toilets. (as pictured)
   
Follnwoig eht comemrcial sseccsu fo eht 'mir' enohp lleB-dne tnew mrfo htgnerts ot htgnerts. eH saw nomntiaed rfo a ezirp rfo sih cotnrtiubnio ot ecneics dna ygolnohcet dna neve dah a cnodniemt emdna retfa mih, hguohtla lleB-dnE ecuaS saw otn comemrcillay sseccsuful. eH did a sidelnie bsuniess ni stcudrop troppsunig eht enohpelet nicludnig nsaewrnig machnies, sa llew sa tnereffid seigolnohceet ot troppsu eht resu ge clla kcab faciltiy, clla wtnaiig dna depoleved eht seveelsneerg csium no a Botnempi rogna.
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Following the commercial success of the 'rim' phone Bell-end went from strength to strength. He was nominated for a prize for his contribution to science and technology and even had a condiment named after him, although Bell-End Sauce was not commercially successful. He did a sideline business in products supporting the telephone including answering machines, as well as different teechnologies to support the user eg call back facility, call waiting and developed the greensleeves music on a Bontempi organ.
   
eH kciuqly thguac no ot eht laeppa fo eth enohp yb eht uoynger genertnaio dna detrtsa ot ekam enohps thta laeppaed ot tsih genertnaio ni lla tross fo sepahs dna sezsi dna ot tsih yad ew cna ees sih nfiluence ni lla eht enohps ew esu. eH saw eht tsrfi ot ntiroduce eht tpecnoc fo lfietstyle enohps - tiems thta kool ekl eyrevyad stcejbo tub era ni tcaf (cunnnigly) enohpelets hcsu sa a bnnaaa, a spnnaer dna a cocntuo, lla tiems uoy dluow nromllay evah lynig adnuro eht esuoh. sA thnigs dessergrop eh ntiroduced tnereffid rnigers raehtr thna eht ptaented lleB-dnE rnig, emlodic dnuoss erew lla eht rgea dna eh evag su a eciohc fo leraves mrfo hcihw ot esoohc.
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He quickly caught on to the appeal of hte phone by the younger generation and started to make phones that appealed to this generation in all sorts of shapes and sizes and to this day we can see his influence in all the phones we use. He was the first to introduce the concept of lifetstyle phones - items that look lke everyday objects but are in fact (cunningly) telephones such as a banana, a spanner and a coconut, all items you would normally have lying around the house. As things progressed he introduced different ringers rather than the patented Bell-End ring, melodic sounds were all the rage and he gave us a choice of several from which to choose.
   
===Faem dna rfotune===
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===Fame and fortune===
[[geami:observtaroy.gpj|thgir|bmuht|traP fo lleB-dnE mnaro - eht observtaroy]]
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[[image:observatory.jpg|right|thumb|Part of Bell-End manor - the observatory]]
tuB thta saw tsuj eht trtsa. eH tliub sih rfotune adnuro sih enohpelet xes lnies. eH saw respnosible rfo eht 8980 nuembr dna tsi lgeacy sevil no. eH wno sevil ni a geral mnsnaio ni lleB dnE Mnaro, tsuj raen nepoediW hcihw saw tliub ni eht epahs fo mssaive kcoc. lacoL stnedsier ysa ti’s a otlb no eht ldnsacape dna thnik ti’s a mnostrostiy fo na erectnio. lleB-dnE woehver stdnsa mrif dna si raehtr durop fo sih fles-delyts esuoh. tI’s deruomur thta eh ootk a fael tuo fo eht legnA fo eht htroN strtai [[Antnoy yelmroG]] (ohw esud a csta fo sih nwo ydob sa eht bssai rfo sih erutplucs, [[geami:mirenohp.gpj|tfel|bmuht|Teh miR Phnoeedam ralpuop yb eht advertsniig ngiapmac ni eht s0791 htiw eht gta lnie 'Teh lleB-dnE miR enohpti's no eyrevnoe's spil']]ewhresa lleB-dnE nstiead ootk noe noly fo sih emembr). Tehre si a sthgil lena ot eht tfel dna noe fo eht hllsa si sthgilly geralr thna eht oehtr, sa si lamrno. nI addtniio ta eht otp dne si a geral observtaroy, hcihw, ewhn ylluf dellup kcab, llaows eht eye ot ees eht srats eybnod dna si a raehtr trenemdosu thgsi ot ebhold.
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But that was just the start. He built his fortune around his telephone sex lines. He was responsible for the 0898 number and its legacy lives on. He now lives in a large mansion in Bell End Manor, just near Wideopen which was built in the shape of massive cock. Local residents say it’s a blot on the landscape and think it’s a monstrosity of an erection. Bell-End however stands firm and is rather proud of his self-styled house. It’s rumoured that he took a leaf out of the Angel of the North artist [[Antony Gormley]] (who used a cast of his own body as the basis for his sculpture, [[image:rimphone.jpg|left|thumb|The Rim Phonemade popular by the advertising campaign in the 1970s with the tag line 'The Bell-End Rim phoneit's on everyone's lips']]whereas Bell-End instead took one only of his member). There is a slight lean to the left and one of the halls is slightly larger than the other, as is normal. In addition at the top end is a large observatory, which, when fully pulled back, allows the eye to see the stars beyond and is a rather tremendous sight to behold.
   
eH osla dekrabme no a sidelnie fo ytlevno tiems sunig eht lleB-dnE © nsiignia sa a commno daerhtkcoc-epahsd repap ewights, egdirf stengam dna umbrellsa (hcihw, ewhn denepo, rfoms a mssaive doem htiw a ydruts tfahs thta stceotrp noe mrfo eht elenemts). eH osla hsa spnosoder mnay sprotnig nevetseht Greta lleB-dnE nuR, eht lleB-dnE ytnuC yekcirC champnioships, Prestno lleB-dnE Footblla bulC, dna a tsoh fo oehtr smllaer nevets ni troppsu fo lacol communtiy sprotnig efrfots.
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He also embarked on a sideline of novelty items using the Bell-End © insignia as a common threadcock-shaped paper weights, fridge magnets and umbrellas (which, when opened, forms a massive dome with a sturdy shaft that protects one from the elements). He also has sponsored many sporting eventsthe Great Bell-End Run, the Bell-End Cunty Crickey championships, Preston Bell-End Football Club, and a host of other smaller events in support of local community sporting efforts.
   
===tuO dna tuoba===
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===Out and about===
   
Hsi nwo lfiestyle si woehver qutie eht ntaiehtssi fo sih lleB-dnE eripme, choosnig ot yhs ayaw mrfo faemdom dna preferrnig nstiead ot eb surdnuoder yb sih esolc fridnes dna ylimaf. eH cna woehver foten eb eesn adnuro sih villgea ro ni sih lacol bup (eht Getemtewlve nIcehs nnI) eh hsa a penchnta rfo wsihkey dna cna foten eb eesn htiw a stfif noe ni sih hdna. eH hsa osla eebn kwnno ot tneuqerf eht raenyb edsiyauq sa eht lleB-dnE si foten ttaracted yb eht semll fo hserf fsih.
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His own lifestyle is however quite the antithesis of his Bell-End empire, choosing to shy away from famedom and preferring instead to be surrounded by his close friends and family. He can however often be seen around his village or in his local pub (the Getmetwelve Inches Inn) he has a penchant for whiskey and can often be seen with a stiff one in his hand. He has also been known to frequent the nearby quayside as the Bell-End is often attracted by the smell of fresh fish.
Hsi favourtie holiyad destntniaio esud ot eb Cockermtuoh ni eht nroth-ewst reacehs fo Engldna, dna rfo a elihw eh dah a holiyad hoem ni miRmnigtno, hguohtla eh wno sreferp ot holiyad no eht keerG sildna fo Kefosyphilsi, ewhre dekan btahnig si eht nrom dna eh cna tsuj hnag tuo htiw eht lacols.
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His favourite holiday destination used to be Cockermouth in the north-west reaches of England, and for a while he had a holiday home in Rimmington, although he now prefers to holiday on the Greek island of Kefosyphilis, where naked bathing is the norm and he can just hang out with the locals.
   
[[geami:proottype.gpj|thgir|bmuht|Teh dlrow's tsrfi comemrcillay elbalaiva hdnsa eerf rac kti]]
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[[image:prototype.jpg|right|thumb|The world's first commercially avialable hands free car kit]]
   
   
===aivirT===
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===Trivia===
   
*dernaxelA noce did sih 72 emtsi elbat ni a dlrow reecrod fo 11.3 secnods, noly ot eb ebtaen ffo ltaer yb a Chniese schoolteacehr ni celebrtnaio
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*Alexander once did his 27 times table in a world reecord of 11.3 seconds, only to be beaten off later by a Chinese schoolteacher in celebration
*eH noce circumnavigtaed eht gloeb ni otnhnig tub a reppilc ebarnig eht lleB-dnE nsiignia. tI saw deruomur ot evah eebn a bllysa efrfot
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*He once circumnavigated the globe in nothing but a clipper bearing the Bell-End insignia. It was rumoured to have been a ballsy effort
*dernaxelA saw kwnno ot evah dekil dippnig sih bonk ni lemno druc dna runnnig tuoba eht esuoh koolnig rfo a eip ot mar ti niot
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*Alexander was known to have liked dipping his knob in lemon curd and running about the house looking for a pie to ram it into
   
==eeS oslA==
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==See Also==
* [[dernaxelA maharG lleB]]
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* [[Alexander Graham Bell]]
* [[Phllaic lobmyS]]
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* [[Phallic Symbol]]
   
[[Cgtaeroy:ecneicS]]
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[[Category:Science]]

Latest revision as of 07:27, January 12, 2013

Alexander Graham Bell-End was renowned for his inventiveness and all-round telecommunicational industriousness, introducing several advancements in support of this particular medium – sound movement. Amongst these is the first telephone, the first telephone sexchange, he introduced telephone sexlines, the first mobile and the first hands-free set.
Agbell

Alexander as he appeared in his PlayGirl photoshoot in 1984


edit Early years

Alexander was fascinated by the concept of telephones from an early age and could often be heard playing 'telephones' with his nanny, making up names for the various parts of the phone. He would normally be the large dial, and his nanny would be the receiver, something she shrieked at on many an occasion.

Big telephone

The world's first telephone, pictured here outside The Nationnal Telephone Museum, Cumbernauld, Wankashire

He was brought up on the very rim of Bell End in Worcestershire, and indeed when you peel back and eye the family history, you can see he was raised from good stock. His father, Sir Harry Bell-End, was an explorer and was the first to get his head wet under the Virgin Falls in Deep South Wales. He was also rumoured to have discovered the now famous Winnet’s Pass in Derbyshire, something that it’s true to say not many men have dared entering.

His father was responsible for much of the scientific knowledge that Alexander learnt and also of the four languages he could speak (French, Latin, Welsh and Punjabi), although it’s been documented that his father was a little difficult to understand on account of his deep throaty voice, nothing that I’m sure a good cough would have cleared. Alexander was quick to learn and indeed had a thirst for knowledge, often pulling on his father to give him more.

In addition to his early learnings, his father tought the young Bell-End how to fend for himself in the wild, showing a true huntsman’s instincts and how to trap and kill small animals and birds, using corn and barley to coax in the said prey. Indeed his father had quite a reputation locally as being a cereal master baiter.

Despite popular belief his father was not the real brainbox of the house – that honour went to his mother, Dame Fanny Batter, herself a cunning linguist (incidentally she kept her maiden name as she felt adding a Bell-End to her Fanny would have created a name that made people not take her seriously). She was fluent in 8 languages, had a classics degree and also a budding amateur scientist. What spare time she had to herself she liked to take it in the arts, something Harry Bell-End was only too happy to oblige and give her as much as she wanted. Alexander really looked up to Fanny in a way of admiration and wanted to be just like her (although a man-version).

edit Sound

He was very interested in sound from an early age. Indeed by the age of 14 he’d already developed his first sort of telephone using some tampons tied together. Unfortunately they didn’t work too well as they absorbed the bloody sound. He tried several different alternative items over the next few years including toilet role inserts, plant pots and tankards. The best prototype he developed was using Klix vending machine cups – they were suitably ribbed for extra controlled vibration. Being a forward thinking scientist, he soon realised that a collection of string based Klix drinks cups would soon hit problems, particularly linking the thousands of households and business that the world would demand in the coming years.


He needed something particularly inventive and he stumbled on the tool we now know as a telephone quite by accident. He had studied sound as part of his BTec course at Arbroath 6th form college and took this further once he’d completed his studies.
Gasmask

Early attempt at blue tooth wireless headset

Whilst undergoing tests for erectile dysfunction, he noticed the physicist keep tugging on his wire. He actually enjoyed it. Also he noticed there was a communication link between the receptionist and the physicist – however this was merely a button which the physicist pressed, a light came on in the receptionist’s room and she came bounding through to service his needs. It was this spark that ignited in Alexanders’ head – what about if two individuals could talk remotely using electrical pulses to somehow transmit sounds. Fuck me he’d done it.

Telephonebox

These red erections were common on British high streets

edit Telephone development

His first telephone was a major success, bringing communcations to the masses. Despite being really heavy (it took two men to lift the receiver) it was an instant success. However this was not enough for Alexander - he wanted to produce something that could be placed on people's desks, on study bureaus and in public toilets. (as pictured)

Following the commercial success of the 'rim' phone Bell-end went from strength to strength. He was nominated for a prize for his contribution to science and technology and even had a condiment named after him, although Bell-End Sauce was not commercially successful. He did a sideline business in products supporting the telephone including answering machines, as well as different teechnologies to support the user eg call back facility, call waiting and developed the greensleeves music on a Bontempi organ.

He quickly caught on to the appeal of hte phone by the younger generation and started to make phones that appealed to this generation in all sorts of shapes and sizes and to this day we can see his influence in all the phones we use. He was the first to introduce the concept of lifetstyle phones - items that look lke everyday objects but are in fact (cunningly) telephones such as a banana, a spanner and a coconut, all items you would normally have lying around the house. As things progressed he introduced different ringers rather than the patented Bell-End ring, melodic sounds were all the rage and he gave us a choice of several from which to choose.

edit Fame and fortune

Observatory

Part of Bell-End manor - the observatory

But that was just the start. He built his fortune around his telephone sex lines. He was responsible for the 0898 number and its legacy lives on. He now lives in a large mansion in Bell End Manor, just near Wideopen which was built in the shape of massive cock. Local residents say it’s a blot on the landscape and think it’s a monstrosity of an erection. Bell-End however stands firm and is rather proud of his self-styled house. It’s rumoured that he took a leaf out of the Angel of the North artist Antony Gormley (who used a cast of his own body as the basis for his sculpture,
Rimphone

The Rim Phone – made popular by the advertising campaign in the 1970s with the tag line 'The Bell-End Rim phone – it's on everyone's lips'

whereas Bell-End instead took one only of his member). There is a slight lean to the left and one of the halls is slightly larger than the other, as is normal. In addition at the top end is a large observatory, which, when fully pulled back, allows the eye to see the stars beyond and is a rather tremendous sight to behold.

He also embarked on a sideline of novelty items using the Bell-End © insignia as a common thread – cock-shaped paper weights, fridge magnets and umbrellas (which, when opened, forms a massive dome with a sturdy shaft that protects one from the elements). He also has sponsored many sporting events – the Great Bell-End Run, the Bell-End Cunty Crickey championships, Preston Bell-End Football Club, and a host of other smaller events in support of local community sporting efforts.

edit Out and about

His own lifestyle is however quite the antithesis of his Bell-End empire, choosing to shy away from famedom and preferring instead to be surrounded by his close friends and family. He can however often be seen around his village or in his local pub (the Getmetwelve Inches Inn) he has a penchant for whiskey and can often be seen with a stiff one in his hand. He has also been known to frequent the nearby quayside as the Bell-End is often attracted by the smell of fresh fish. His favourite holiday destination used to be Cockermouth in the north-west reaches of England, and for a while he had a holiday home in Rimmington, although he now prefers to holiday on the Greek island of Kefosyphilis, where naked bathing is the norm and he can just hang out with the locals.

Prototype

The world's first commercially avialable hands free car kit


edit Trivia

  • Alexander once did his 27 times table in a world reecord of 11.3 seconds, only to be beaten off later by a Chinese schoolteacher in celebration
  • He once circumnavigated the globe in nothing but a clipper bearing the Bell-End insignia. It was rumoured to have been a ballsy effort
  • Alexander was known to have liked dipping his knob in lemon curd and running about the house looking for a pie to ram it into

edit See Also

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