Alex Turner (musician)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 04:09, January 13, 2013 by (talk)

Jump to: navigation, search

Alex, in typical stage pose. God, I could lick the sweat right off that neck...

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Alex Turner (musician).

Alexander David Turner (born 6 January 1986) is a hybrid of Santa and Godzilla who plays the djembe for the English rock band Antartic Monkeys. As Alex Turner, he surveys many clubs and write songs about fights with bouncers and birds (sometimes at the same time) and tells his band about it later, whilst also working a night shift as Queen of The Lizards, to feed his 45 and a half children.

About 12 seconds ago, Alex formed the band Arctic Monkeys. They got their name from their passion of going to the Arctic and looking for monkeys to have erotic sex with. However they realized the monkeys were all in the Antarctic so they had to play music to raise money to go south to do their thang with those out of control 'Keys. And monkeys. Their fetish for keys is also well-known.

It is widely believed that Alex Turner does not have a left buttock. He is thought to have given it to a Samoan orphan when he was on holiday there. The orphan was, apparently, a big Arctic monkeys fan so Turner, being dedicated to his fans he gave him his left buttock as 'something to remember him by'.

Alex Burner, sorry, Gurner

Alex "Insert Your Mom Joke Here" Turner was born in Sheffield, K.U, aged 40 on the 32nd Smarch 1867. His parents included a flying tiger called 'Reza'; his beautiful father, who was simply known as 'gorilla king'; a mathematician who led a double life as a duck; a different kind of mathematician; and a statistician.

After graduating from nursery, Alex became a woman for 14 years, and then a man for 12. He then experimented with other genders such as the "Indie" and the controversial "Native American", before slowly realizing his goal in life was to be a Buddhist monk. He then got hit on the head by a freak flying "This metaphor is to symbolise the epiphany of you realising you life goal is awful, global warming is your fault" brick, realizing that his goal was a lame one. He then joined the army to fight George Bush's war on those Ewoks from Star Wars.

He, along with Matt "Surely his name should be Houlders" Helders, who is some outer-space disco king, Jamie "Cookie Monster" Cook and Andy "Andy" Nicholson (who was later kicked out because he weighed more than the other Anorexic Monkeee's, and replaced by some other guy who no-one bothers learning the name of, probably named Donovan), formed the band Arctic Monkeys after the Crimea War ended, which was approximately 13 minutes ago. To fund band practices, Alec became a barman for the Queen of Wales. This job proved to be the inspiration Alex needed to write his trillions of songs, such as witnessing the Duke and Prince of South Africa have a fight with "These two bouncers, one of them is alright, the other one's scarey" over some birds at a club. In 1543, the band decided to be re-named "We're The Best But We Don't Like To Tell People About The Fact". The name was dropped however, after they realized that Razorlight had changed theirs to a similar name- "I Wear White Trousers, No-One Cares About The Other Three"; and so they re-verted back to their old name.

Marsupial's Success

The band first became noticed by the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost after playing gigs in pub toilets to those who use them. Many told them to "Stop looking at my cock" or called for security, but one man, Mr. Domino, was pissing and decided to sign them to his label, which before you ask, was not called "Domino". Its name in fact, is as dangerous as Harry Potter's arch enemy, Ron Weasley (or "You-Know-Poo").

On this label, the Monks released a limited edition single "I've Never Been To San Francisco, Therefore You Haven't, You Poser" on a vinyl. This was a trick to the buying public, cos no-one owns a vinyl player in this modern computer age. Therefore, the public turned on them, and the government issued a bounty on the heads of the Monekys. This caused the Monkeys to disappear for a few years, which was a real shame.

However, their comeback debut album "Quote From A Film I've Watched That Makes No Sense" was a real success. It sold 4.5 copies. It had announced their return. Songs such as "I'm Blind, What Am I Doing Looking At Birds On The Dancefloor?", "A Certain Heterosexual Romance" and the epic "Vampires Turn Me On" captured the nation's hearts and minds (unwittingly, of course), and even briefly ended world hunger. Africa was very greatful.

"Wild" Years of Those Zoological Thunkeys

The Monkeys carried on for billions of years, releasing loads of albums, singles, E.P's and venomous tigers upon the public. Surveys showed that everyone loved for a couple of days, but then just fed to a herd of stingrays when they got bored of them. The band then split, and Alex went off in search of a personal God. He failed miserably, and was only welcomed back by the that weird Elf/Dwarf council from Lord of the Rings, where Mister Alex helped Frodo cast that evil ring into that mountain.

After releasing singles that no-one really care about, he finally hit the jackpot with his recent solo E.P 'We Like Monks', which sold 2.89 records and then another million. Then he got back together with the band to record a charity single "We Aren't Arctic Monkeys, honest" which sold 5 records, all bought by his neighbour's dog, named John, who later collaborated with Turner in another album.

Aaah! Don't Eat All Those Chicken Wings!

Alex Burnshmurner is well known for his gravelly Sheffield accent but actually, his voice is pitched like a quadricorn and this because of a power orb that he got off one of the Monkeys whilst they were on their billonth tour to the other galaxy, where smoking quadricorns was legal. His lyrics are very powerful. His singles got to number one because of his slupalicous filled rhymes about transfestism and eating lemons with his ill grandmother. Poor old Rita. -sigh-

The Alex Surner Law

In the winter of July 16th 1789, a new law was passed, proclaiming that everyone must dedicate their lives to Mr. Burner in every possible way. However, some Kaiser Chiefs were not happy about the law, arguing that "Arctic Monkeys actually have sex with keyboards". This all changed when the Kaiser Chiefs were castrated for treason against the Alex Overlord.

Alex Phurner's Wife

Alex Yurner may or may not have a wife. Some people believe that he has married a monkey from the Antartic yet some people assume that he is wifeless. The opinion that is most likely is the one that he is wifeless, this is because he is in a band and people in bands only join to "get laid" and "get paid" and neither can be achieved if said band member has a wife. If you would like to become Alex Turners wife, you can send an application form to: A Wife For Alex, Big Building In Sheffield, 4th Floor, Office 69. He prefers blondes but also hates people who aren't brunettes.

Wait A Minute! Breaking News Just In! Alex has found a wife! In twin and co-host of the 9/11 Terror Attacks Alexa Chung! Let us all rejoice and masturbate profusely! I know I am. He does have a wife his name is Ever.

Infact he is not,and never has been inserch of a wife, he is GAY, and always has been, but keeps himself in a closet mede of glass, were everybody can sees him with his "friend", Miles Kane.

A Warning

When approaching a monkey, you must first eat a barrel of icing sugar from Sainsbury's, a U.K shop that sells things and makes a horrible profit which they use to buy and give crack to schoolchildren. Then, you must shoot Jeremy Clarkson four times in the spine, to see how he rates it. Why this is so is unknown to us, but it still must be done. You must also crack a bad joke and shake their hand with your sweaty penis. I once made the mistake of telling a good joke to a monkey, but they then got angry and started to pummel me with giant sticks. I am like sugar to them. This bit of the article of course has nothing to do with the banjo playing princess monkey that is Xlea Renrut, but it's still fun to carry out. Seriously, do it the next time you're at the zoo.

Alex ?urner's Discography


  • Before that religious dude was born, B.C- "Hey Hey, We're The Funkeys" - Partick Donkeys
  • 1066- Battle of Hastings
  • 1790- "The Bible"- Arctic Monkeys and Mozart
  • 1900- "Whatever You Say I Am, That's What I Am, I Guess"- Partic Monkeys
  • 1901- "Poo From The Afternoon"- Ghartic Flunkoo's
  • 1902- "Ok, You Told Me That I Am Something, So I Will Wholeheartdly Disagree With You, Possibly Sending A Letter Illustrating How I am Against Your Proposal Which You Will Receive In One To Two Days If I Post It With A First Class Stamp, But I Don't Want To Spend Much Money So I Will Get A Second Class Stamp So I Can Make You Wait, Which I Hope Will Teach You A Valid Lesson"- Alex Turner And John, the Dog.
  • Sometime In The Not To Distant But Still Far Away, As You Will Find Out That If You Count Seconds For A Minute, It Goes Really Slowly Future- "Don't Eat Cheese, It Gives You Nightmares"- Sgt. Monkeys Lonely Arctic Club Band


  • 2005- "Your Mom Looks Ugly On The Dancefloor"
  • 2006- "When The Nun Gets Down"
  • 2006- "Lardy Thumb"
  • 2007- "Leave Before I Turn Your Mom On"
  • 2007- "Bobstorm"
  • July 14, 1789- French peasants storm the Bastille and rape a load of prisoners.
  • 2008- "Fluorescent Adolescent- That's Right, We Used That Thing On Microsoft Word When You Right-Click A Word So That We Sound Reet Intelligent"
  • 2017- "I Love The Build A Bear Workshop, Where I Can Pick Any Teddy I Like To Take On Tour With Me"


  • 2005- "Beneath The Boardwalk I Keep Midgets As Prisoners Who Fullfil My Sexual Needs"
  • 2007- "Snoo Da Cluck Tar Narctic Punkeys?"

All of these albums/singles/EP's have nothing whatsoever to do with Alex Turner, because he is God, and therefore write much better music that any other band ever on the world. Even NME said so. And they're NME, so they're right about everything.

Mercury Prize

Alex Turner recently won the Mercury Prize, which was the award given to the person who could drink more liquid mercury than any other Tom, Dick and Harry in one year. Dick finished 2nd, whilst Harry came in 75646th. Tom, however, died tragically, as when he tried to shit, he forgot that he had stapled his balls on the back of his ass, so when it was time to provide the Mercury for Michael "Bald" REM, the King of Mercury, he exploded, killing thousands but, fortunately, injuring none.

The prize money that Mr. Turniper won was donated to some orphans. However, it was revealed that after he had donated his millions, he attempted to burn down the Orphanage, using a magnifying glass and the sun, screaming "SCIENCE COMMANDS YOU TO MELT". Thankfully, Balex was stopped by Samuel L. Jackson, and tragically aerosoled to death, all because Mr. Jackson thought he was a "MOTHERFUCKING SNAKE ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING ORPHANAGE". Stick it to them, Sammy.

New Shit

Annoying everyone, as the genital pube-lic realised they had to pay another wad of money to fund Turner's Faberge Egg habit, El Monkeys de la Arctic's nth album, entit(ha, like the word boob)led 'I Like To Sleep And Wank Over Nigthmares" was only bought by Alex, and the old bassist, who only bought it to remember "the good times". Or maybe he wanted to eat it. This outrage caused current Lord Dictator of All Evil of the Expanding and Unstoppable Great British Empire, Sooty, to declare that la Arctic pour le Monkeys (as the Ivorian Coastinian's call them) should be burnt at the stake. This writer agrees with our Lord's decision, and I actually lit the first flame!

Alex Turner is a cippy? Weres my chippy little flaming orphan boy and were is your, SCIENCE!

See also

Personal tools