Alex Salmond
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“Is it not remarkably coincidental that my girlfriend Nicola Sturgeon MSP is also named after a fish?”
~ Scotland's First Minister on MSP surnames
Alex "Soapy" Salmond aka Slippery Salmond and Fat Wanker is the current leader of the SNP, ruler of Scotland and Keeper of the Pudding and Woad. Despite his sober demeanor and middling girth he can dance a mean tango and rip the skirts off Latin lovelies with one smooth move of his hand. Public office means that this is a rare occurrence, however there maybe on the odd occasion a "dress down" Friday.
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[edit] Early life
Like many children of Caledonia, Alex (also well known as the original Jabba The Hutt) was born within listening-distance of the salty North Sea and the baaing of sheep. This is because he was born on an oil rig. One with sheep on it (well it can get very lonely out there). This was, of course because he was too large and ugly to be accepted into the beautiful night bars that are in the lovely Blue Toon: Deja Vu, Mambos etc...
Some claim him to be the lovechild of Wee Jeanette Krankie and Fat Boab from Oor Wullie but rumours have yet to be confirmed officially.
He soon moved to the mainland, though, and established a tea, tatty scone and haggis shop in Dundee called "Alex Salmond's Tea, Tatty Scone and Haggis Shop" with the eye-catching strapline "Why not come in and enjoy a cup of tea, a tatty scone and a slice of haggis?” Alex often dressed in a haggis costume complete with bagpipes and "see you jimmy" wig to attract diners.
The shop was not as successful as young Alex had hoped as he had forgot to buy in any tea, tatty scones and haggis to sell on to his customers so he was forced to sell the shop to an obscure American man called Ian Starbucks in order to try his hand at Politics. When he realised he wasn't very good at politics, he decided to become First Minister a position from which he was awarded various Scottish titles such as "Chief pie muncher of the Year 2008"; "Muckle Tumshie of the Month - Jan '09, Mar '09 & May '09" & "Jeanette Krankie/Fat Boab lookalike of the year 2009"
[edit] Political career
Salmond joined the Scottish National Party in 1968(aka SNP or Slimy kNobs Party *the k is silent...*) and quickly worked his way through all the hot bonnie girls that he met at party functions. After he'd worn his wilbur out he ran for an MP and entered Parliament at some point in the last twenty-five years. No one can really remember. Anyway, he was in Westminster for a bit and got on telly and everything before eventually becoming party leader. Then in 1999 he hooked-up with the Labour Party to persuade people to vote for the Scottish Parliament although, sadly, no one was given the chance to vote on what it ended up looking like. The SNP quickly established themselves as the main opposition to the Labour executive which was lead by fashionable "Blair Babe" Jack McConnell. In 2007, however, the SNP managed to sneak-ahead of Labour by a single seat. That meant that Salmond was now King First Minister and it was McConnell's turn to mop the floor and make the tea!
He was instrumental in passing various schemes through Scottish Parliament such as making whisky and haggis the staple diet of schoolchildren throughout the land and passing a law requiring every citizen of Scotland must watch, read about or listen to Alex Salmond at least 40 hours of per week either on television, on radio or the newspapers.
Alex is now working on two very important matters to the people of Scotland he insists that an Independent Scotland would be better off free from planet earth and is currently working on ways to monopolise the world's mince pie market and have all mince pies manufactured from Bute House his own official residence. He states in his autobiography,Mien Haggis, co-authored by Rab C. Nesbitt, that his aim is to destroy Scotland by ridding it of income, political power and dignity, through a process he calls "Independence".
[edit] First Minister of Scotland
Salmond was quick to act on having the First Minister's diadem placed on his head. He immediately set about giving Scotland's students more money in thanks for their support and when the opposition benches protested he marched his "woadshirts" into the chamber and had the MSPs all kneel before him and do him tribute with Jack McConnell reduced to sobbing "vanity of vanity’s...all is vanity!". His high sassenach taxes on English Breakfast Tea, English muffins, Cornish pasties, Lancashire hotpot and Melton Mowbray pork pies have filled the Edinburgh treasury with millions of groats. Now with all of that wealth at his disposal, Salmond is building a palace for himself in Inverness and training a secret army. His eyes are on the world. Just you wait!
When asked recently about retirement plans Alex Salmond said he wants to buy three retirement home namely Stirling Castle, Edinburgh Castle and the oil rig he was born and brought up on. He want's to have his own haggis farm and in time wants to turn Scotland into one Braveheart movie theme park.
[edit] Salmond: Scotland's Freedom Fighter?
Plans to separate Scotland from England by getting Susan Boyle and Annie Lennox to sing at the border and hope the English's land moves (I suggested hiring Paris Hilton but he wouldn't listen). Then he plans to sail Scotland to near Cuba and Jamaica to grow bananas and sell haggis for the Cubans to smoke. Make Loch Ness Monster steal the White House and make Britney Spears queen of Scotland then make Scotland a Communist country.
[edit] The Big Fuck Up - The Lockerbie Bomber Release
In August 2009, Slippery Soapy Wanker had his justice secretary decide that letting possible mass murderer, Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi out of jail on compassionate grounds, would be a good idea. He claimed that he was speaking on behalf of his near-free people, but got a bad response internationally. Even black US president Kermit the Frog said that was a total fuck up, but Soapy claimed it was still correct. However we all know he only did to piss off Gordon Brown and the United States.
[edit] See also
| Preceded by: Jack McConnell (as MacViceroy) | Laird Protector o' Caledonia 2007- | Succeeded by: in-cum-bent |
