Alex Lifeson
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| This article may be Overly Serbian. Most of the world will not understand the humor of this, particularly concerning references to the far inferior Croats and Bosniaks, the thankless Kosovan leeches, the lazy Montenegrins, or delicious plum brandy. Do not attempt to remedy this. |
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“He was the guitarist for that band with that song on Rock Band, right?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Alex Lifeson
“Who?”
~ Geddy Lee and Neil Peart on Alex Lifeson
“Why, of course I know who's in Rush! There's Neil Peart, Geddy Lee, and the.... blonde dude with the guitar. Yeah.”
~ Rush fan on Alex Lifeson
Contents |
[edit] Early Life
- Aleksandar Živojinović was born in the back of a bar somewhere in Serbia. After consuming 30 shots of plum brandy a few seconds after he was born, he was forcibly separated from his parents by the local police and transported to Canada as luggage.
Not only was that darn dragon a sick nasty guitar player, it also had a taste for flamboyant fruit hats.
- After getting bored of looking at the Niagara Falls, the infant Živojinović wandered into a cave where he found that darn dragon. Instead of eating him like what dragons should do, it taught Živojinović how to play guitar. Živojinović emerged 6 years later with a Gibson Les Paul, and smelling heavily of plum brandy and a degree in cullinary arts. Živojinović played a riff so awesome the hills shook, fell down, and the dragon died of a massive heart attack. (Alex's band would later be named Rush, in memory of his teacher.) His skills were met with "meh-eh" by the Canadians, and they took it upon themselves to raise the talented six-year-old boy to adulthood, and decided to celebrate his Canadian naturalization with a traditional tribal dance around the fire. In a drunken stupor, the Canadian chief translated the boy's name into Canadian, and he was known as Alex Lifeson ever since.
[edit] Career With Rush
- Alex then went and found John Rutsey and the first bassist/vocalist, whose name will not even be mentioned. They were a pretty crappy Buddy Holly cover band, and it seemed they would suck forever. However, one day Geddy Lee walked into their practice room by accident,(he was looking for the bathroom) and as soon as he stepped into the room the first bassist/vocalist spontaneously combusted. Geddy immediately joined the band.
- They then recorded some awesome shit called Rush, and started touring Canadia. Tragedy struck one night though, when Rutsey exploded on stage for diabetes related reasons. Sources say he had eaten a cupcake laced with LSD and trace amounts of cupcake.
- Undettered, Lifeson and Geddy began to search for a new drummmer. All of them sucked until one day a smelly hobo drove down their door with his motorcycle. Alex Lifeson was proud of that door, so he demanded a shitload of money to pay for it. The hobo simply smiled, introduced himself as Neil Peart, and tossed a copy of Ayn Rand's Anthem at their feet. Geddy immediately recognized the book, squealed like a fangirl, and immediately made Peart their drummer. Upon hearing that the only instrument he knew how to play was the piano, Alex Lifeson locked Neil inside a window-less room with nothing inside it but a drum set. Neil Peart emerged two months later with thrice the skills of Keith Moon and John Bonham combined, as well as a ferocious appetite for drums and cymbals. (afterwards, he refused to eat anything else) The only way to keep Neil well-fed was to supply him with an extremely large 360 degree drumset and replace the drums every time they went low, so that was exactly what they did. With Alex's quest complete, Rush went on to attempt kicking major ass.
- At first, Rush didn't make it very far as a band. Once the only copy of their debut album went into the hands of a greedy record collector and stopped circulating, they began to have issues with poverty. Alex had to sell his guitar techs for extra band funds. They then found themselves living inside a small urban Toronto house that they built themselves out of cardboard. Five people lived in that house along with two instruments, two sets of amps, and 20 boxes of Heineken to keep Alex alive: Alex Lifeson, Charlene Lifeson, their illegitmate son, Geddy Lee, and Geddy Lee's girlfriend. Neil Peart lived outside under the tarp that covered his drum set. To make money, Alex had to get into prostitution, while Geddy sold Alex's empty Heineken bottles.
- Their poverty ended with the commercial success of their 20-minute epic, 2112. The band then realized all they had to do was write obscenely long music in order to win in the music industry. On this album Geddy and Neil asked Alex to write his very own song. Alex, having very few ideas of his own, decided to describe exactly what he was doing at the time. The song "A Passage to Bangkok" was written and released on 2112, narrowly beating Peart's "Another Lord of the Rings Song".
[edit] The Rest of Alex's life
- Alex went on to marry his first and only girlfriend (the loser). They had the unplanned child 5 years before marriage, and the 2nd one inherited Lifeson's skill and is definitely the favorite. Phillip Živojinović went on to write the acoustic instrumental "Hope", featured on the Snakes and Arrows album. Phillip also wrote a song cut from the album entitled "Hey Terrence, I've Got Something In My Ass For You". "Hey Terrence, I've Got Something In My Ass For You" was featured as a B-Side on the single of "Fark Rye".
Sometime in the 80's, Alex took a long walk in his quest to find a way to stop smoking, and stumbled across a small house filled to the ceiling with delicious cakes. Over the following afternoon, Alex gained 50 pounds and hadn't noticed since, except that he looked better with shorter hair.
[edit] Alex's Solo Work
- A lot of bitching about abusive women. Just shut up and play the guitar.
