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“The only reason I'm fat is because the Globalists put too much aspartame in my donuts.”
- ~ Alex Jones on explaining the conspiracy behind his weight gain
Alexander Emerick "Alex" Jones (born February 11, 1974) is best known for bringing you key info on the Corporate Globalist Eugenics takeover of the world by a Scientific Dictatorship and shattering the false left/right paradigm. Everything he says is backed up directly by the Globalist's own documents, plus stuff he found on Google (itself an admitted CIA front).
Jones's radio show consists of him making fun of the peon masses, predicting catastrophes, spending 25% of the show's time saying he's going to take calls but ranting instead, actually taking his shirt off from time to time, and yelling at Piers Morgan. Between these diatribes, he hawks survival goods to listeners in exchange for blood pressure medication.
In the very rare moments when Jones is not leading Free Humanity in the InfoWar, he is also supplements his income as a male model and porn star. Making regular appearances in publications such as Husky Hogs and Meat Magazine, both aimed at the fetish market of readers attracted solely to pork butchers.
edit What? Who the hell is Alex Jones?
Alex Jones was born on the eleventh day of February, nineteen-seventy-four, the son of Jim Jones, and the only baby to survive Jonestown. As a child, he was pushed into a vat of Jesus Juice, which permanently welded a bull horn onto the front of his face (This is admitted fact, it's all admitted!). All pictures of Alex Jones which do not contain bull horns dated after this event can be assumed to be fakes.
Jones lives deep behind enemy lines in his Central Texas Command Centre from where he broadcasts his daily Radio-Internet-TV-MulticastTM. The Centre is notable for its massive stores of pork produce, non-GM seeds, and thousands of unsold copies of The Obama Deception, fashioned into a makeshift throne.
Jones advocates the creation of a one-world Neo-Paulian crypto-quasi-pseudo-theocracy in which all far-right, heterosexual baptists (who can prove that they have killed at least one Mexican deader than a hammer) will be afforded the freedom to agree with everything that he says, does or thinks. He suggests that the name: "New Global Order of Alexonia" to be used for the name of the new Thousand Year Reich, as he lovingly calls it.
In addition to the above and his noted pornographic career, he is also:
- An Illuminati shill working on the minds of the masses using careful gatekeeping of his broadcasts whilst generating lists of suspicious Americans for the use of the Homeland Security Department.
- One of the greatest men ever to set foot on the planet, on a par with Buddha or Jesus or Shaquille O'Neal.
- A fat bastard who sells DVDs, gold coins, Expensive Pot Noodles and water purification systems that are worthless in order to pad his bank account. We've got the documents.
- A humungous-bellied failure at dieting, despite promoting weight-loss products on his show. Documented, 100%!
- A lover of hand-guns and certain other 'hand' activities.
Alex Jones hosted a planned cooking TV show called Burn, Baby, Burn, which never aired. By Episode 5, the producers simply gave up because Alex wouldn't stop drawing allegory to the World Trade Center—even with the Chicken Cacciatore and glazed ramen noodles.
Rumor has it Alex will be trying his hand at another show called Shark for Dinner. Gordon Ramsay Enterprises has already protested this new show. The first episode will be how to prepare shark fin soup and Alex takes you on a fishing venture to collect the fins using a Marco White approved Japanese cooking knife where Alex will use the line 'Let the knife do the work' 7 times in the pilot. To Alex's surprise, the producers plan to have a mystery guest on for Episode 3, Larry Craig, where Larry will come out and perform a classic 'tap dance' for an audience of Nuns and jailed priests.
edit Superpowers and claims of invincibility
It is said that ideas are bulletproof, and so is Alex Jones. In fact, at the age of 12, Alex Jones was entirely coated with a dense layer of nanotech fat, called “Techfat”, created with a synthesis of colloidal silver and the elusive compound called “marshmallow”, developed by Illuminati scientists at DARPA in an attempt to create a "Super globalist shill". A rag-tag team of Christian libertarians successfully broke into the secret underground labs in Texas to save and evangelize him, only to get all shot in the result... but Jones made his way out and went under the radar for years. Alone, naked with only the Holy Bible in one hand and a rifle in the other, he set out on his quest to save the world from the bankers.
The Techfat TM grants him resistance to projectiles from virtually all firearms as well as explosions up to 1 Megaton. It rendered the multiple attempts by many CIA snipers and mercenaries -as well as several bombings of his radio station by NATO drone fighter jets- completely useless, hence why he still broadcasts after all these years exposing the Illuminati. This also makes him impervious to Whoopi Goldberg, even though Barbara Walters once owned him real bad, but she was proper enough for giving him a bone to chew as a consolation for his battered ego.
This Techfat exoskeleton even allowed him to survive for almost 2 minutes of interview with Chuck Norris, as the studio went through a power surge and a lot of stuff exploded. This is when Norris arrived. After a moment of mind-boggling speech in a language that could not be grasped by any mortal born from a womb, the universal karate fighter told Jones how, in 1884, he killed God with his own bare hands (Friedrich Nietzsche stood as the sole witness), to the sheer disarray of Jones, then conceded he had better adversaries to take down this morning, namely the entire global network of the Italian-American Cosa Nostra and their armies. This is what he called “having breakfast”. He was later reported to pick his teeth with the dead-frozen body of Manhattan kingpin Robert de Niro.
Alex Jones was additionally implanted with a radio-transmitting device powered by his overactive brain that allows him to takeover any FM/AM/Shortwave bands wherever he goes so that he can jam radio transmissions to shout his orders to stand up to the global bankers, to either disgruntled guys caught in hours-long traffic jams or these lipstick lesbians having wild sex by the pool.
He was awarded the psychological health award for outstanding sanity in the face of adversity by the American Association of Mental Health Professionals Against the New World Order on September 11, 2001. He subsequently declined to accept the award, citing his belief that the organization was a front for Satan Worshiping Illuminati working in close association with the Bilderberg Group, to hypnotize their patients into believing that their recovered memories of Satanic Cult abuse are actually an elaborate screen implanted by Grey Aliens to cover their tracks.
In 2011 Jones was nominated for a Montgomery Burns Award For Outstanding Achievement In The Field Of Excellence. He would eventually finish second to a water cooler.