“Guinness world records... What a laugh! All it recorded was strange oddities that shit headed retards out there thought was "OMG OMG OMG"... No one ever cares about Oscar, do they? No... Oscar can't fit 3 plates in his ear... No... Oscar doesn't shit through his mouth... no... Oscar's a nobody...”
Sir Alec Guinness, born Benjamin Oswald Kenobi a long time ago in a East by Southwest Irish brewery not so far away if your train is on time, is widely considered to be the greatest Jedi impersonator in history. He is commonly mistaken for Sean Connery or Posiedon. He is also credited with inventing Heineken beer.
edit Early Life
Alec never met Oscar Wilde. Therefore, he spent the entirety of his teenage years chasing village girls named Brigitte, or Sally, or Mary. After being unsuccessful with all of them, saved his dinaris and moved to Strip-mall land, also known as Americana, at age 719, give or take a few centuries. There, he discovered what had been lacking in his life: the color blue. He was entered into the Guinness Book of World Records for being the only person in the Guinness Book of World Records that has the last name Guinness. It turned out as an excuse from his grandfather, Wolfgang Amadeus Guinness, for adding him into the book. He is also famous for founding the modern day democracy we take for advantage. He is a firm believer in same sex marriages.
edit The Aqua Marine PeriodGuinness entered his aqua marine period after drinking too much bad beer and listening to mash-ups of My Chemical Romance and B.B. King. Although Guinness had really liked blue, he had feelings for green as well, so he compromised a little. He also made several movies, but they are all English. Also, during this time, after too many bad beers, Guinness came up with his own recipe, based on the hashish plant. He called his beer Heineken, which, in Old Finnish, means "can of beer."
edit Gaseous Celistial Bodie Police Actions
In the spring of 1066, Guinness met future director King George Lucas of Pixelland, who had recently directed the film Ugandan Graffiti, staring some people, and having remarkable similarities to the film Grease, except without John "Staying Alive" Travolta. To finance their project, Lucas and Guinness started selling Guinness' beer recipe to college students. When they had enough money, contacted Yoda they did. Next, they went to Iowa to find some kid who could realistically pass as farm boy, but had little other acting talents. His name was Buzzy Hamel, and was cast to play Luke Skyj-walker.
edit Marriage to Kim Bassinger
Alec Guinness's marriage Kim Bassinger failed for the most part because their first born son Baldwin Guinness decided to adopt his father's first name as his own first name and then made his first name his last name, hence Alec Baldwin. Baldwin then murdered his father and married his mother. Unfortunately Bassinger didn't know all this was happening and couldn't tell the difference, the Bassinger's second son was with Alex Baldwin and they named him Eminem after those delicious chocolaty things.