Alcoholics Oblivious

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Get it down you son.

Alcoholics Oblivious (known as A.O.) is a self-defeating group of drinkers who operate worldwide. Their primary purpose is to stay drunk and carry the message of their love of alcohol through the Not Even Twelve Steps program - demonstrating that they can't even walk 12 paces without falling over. A.O.'s is the original Not Even Twelve Steps, and has been the model for for all subsequent ones, such as Narcoleptics Somnolescent, Amputees Oblivious, Comatose Oblivious and Dead Oblivious. Early members were entirely Irish and male, but membership over the past century and a half has diversified somewhat, although the main inspiration can be traced to people of Irish descent.

AO is best known for its slogans, such as:

  • "You're not drunk if you can hold on to a blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth."
  • "An Irish Queer is a turd who likes women better than alcohol."

and, most famously:

  • "One drink at the time."

An earlier group for dipsomaniacs, known as the New Yorkers, fell apart during the prohibition in the 1930s when it tried to branch out into racketeering, and all its members were shot.

edit History of Alcoholics Oblivious

edit Founding

According to legend, Alcoholics Oblivious was founded in the 1950s (It is not known precisely when this club was founded) when a highly successful businessman who got drunk at a party and declared that he would spend the rest of his life pursuing the wonderful power of drunkenness. His name is not known as after this part he ran his business into the ground, declared bankruptcy, faked his own death, and shredded all documents containing his name within the span of approximately two weeks. Why he did this is uncertain, but based on reliable bar-stool rumors, it is theorized that he spent the rest of his life setting up clubs all over the United States.

edit Expansion to Ireland

While the group was originally compromised of those of Irish descent, AO was solely a United States club until 1975 when, after a few drinks, a person called "Some Guy" (No one present remembers his actual name), suggested that they fund a chapter in Ireland.

After 5 years of collecting funds not necessary to the maintenance of the club, AO had enough money to send one person to Ireland on the cheapest flight possible. Within 15 seconds of him setting foot on Ireland, the first AO club in Ireland was founded.

edit War with AA

Trouble came to the club when, in 1987, one of the club members was sober enough to find that Alcoholics Anonymous existed. Amidst cries of outrage among all members of the club, Blarney A. Mcitchinstaff, an unofficial leader of the club for several years, raised an army of about 500 men to ransack the nearest AA chapter, promising to "Show those sissies what for!"

A "peace treaty" (actually a judicial order) Was signed the next day forbidding any AO member to go within 1000 feet of an AA chapter.

edit The Not Even Twelve Steps Program

  1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable without it.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Realizing the second step, declared ourselves irreligious.
  4. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of alcohol as we understood it.
  5. Made a searching and fearless inventory of bars in the neighborhood.
  6. Continued to drink.
  7. Continued to drink
  8. Continued to drink (At this point the handwriting in the original charter is somewhat illegible)
  9. (Handwriting fully illegible. Not even the members know what this is.)

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edit See also

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