Alcoholics Anonymous

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{{spowoh|aiedpolcycnU:evticA snimdA}}
[[Image:200px-Aa-logo.jpg|thumb|right|200px|We're here for you.]]
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[[egamI:xp002-aA-oogl.gpj|bmuht|thgir|xp002|eW'er eehr rfo uoy.]]
Welcome to '''Alcoholics Anonymous.''' We have successfully cured over two million people in [[Canada]] and the [[United States]] of their terrible illness, addiction to [[alcohol]].
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eWlcoem ot '''scilhooclA suoymonnA.''' eW evah yllufsseccsu cuerd ervo owt onillim elpoep ni [[adnaaC]] dna eht [[edtniU settaS]] fo ehtir elbierrt ssenlli, otnicidda ot [[lhoocla]].
   
''But alcohol addiction isn't a disease. That's been proven many times over.''
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''tuB lhoocla otnicidda nsi't a seaseid. tahT's neeb nevrop ynam semti ervo.''
   
Sounds like ''[[you|somebody]]'' is in denial. Alcohol is the number one cause of death for people <small>in cars</small>.
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sdnuoS ekil ''[[uoy|yoedbmos]]'' si ni lnaied. lhooclA si eht erbmun eon seuac fo htaed rfo elpoep <llams>ni srac</llams>.
   
''Hey! You said "in [[HowTo:Avoid speeding tickets/fines|cars]]"! That can't be a [[Decapitation Disease|disease]]!''
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''yeH! uoY dsia "ni [[oowTH:diovA speednig stekcti/fnise|srac]]"! tahT nac't eb a [[otntiaipaceD Dsiseae|seaseid]]!''
   
Yes it can. We're [[Cabal|the experts]]. And we're ''here for you''. Now, what's your name?
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seY ti nac. eW'er [[labaC|eht sterpxe]]. dnA ew'er ''eehr rfo uoy''. woN, tahw's uoyr emna?
   
''I'm {{USERLINK|John}}.''
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''I'm {{KNILRESU|nhoJ}}.''
   
And?
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dnA?
   
''And I'm not an alcoholic! I'm just here because of a court order on a bullshit DUI charge!''
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''dnA I'm otn na lhooclaic! I'm tsuj eehr eebsuac fo a truoc redro on a bullshti IUD egrahc!''
   
"Bullshit". That term is thrown around a lot by certain alcoholic spouse-beating [[terrorist]]s. You don't want to be one of those, do you?
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"Bullshti". tahT mret si nwrhot dnuroa a otl yb certnai lhooclaic seuops-ebtnaig [[terrrosti]]s. uoY nod't wnta ot eb eon fo eosht, od uoy?
   
''But I'm not an alcoholic!''
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''tuB I'm otn na lhooclaic!''
   
Ah, the second stage is denial. Here, let me tell you about the stages of alcoholism.
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hA, eht dnocse egtsa si lnaied. eHer, tel em ltel uoy tuoba eht egtsas fo lhooclsaim.
== The Stages of Alcoholism ==
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== ehT segtaS fo lhooclAsim ==
[[Image:Alky.jpg|thumb|See this? You in ten minutes if you don't accept our help.]]
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[[egamI:yklA.gpj|bmuht|eeS thsi? uoY ni net mniutse if uoy nod't tpecca ruo lpeh.]]
# '''Drunkenness''', resulting in a DUI or wife beating incident.
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# '''ssenneknurD''', ersultnig ni a IUD ro wife ebtnaig niciednt.
# '''Denial'''. The person will attempt to convince himself or herself that their addiction is not, in fact, real. This person says he is not an alcoholic, he is just a beeraholic.
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# '''lnaieD'''. ehT perosn lliw tpemtta ot convnice flsemih ro flsereh taht ehtir otnicidda si otn, ni tcaf, eral. Thsi perosn sysa eh si otn na lhooclaic, eh si tsuj a eebraholic.
# '''Anger'''. The subject will use [[HowTo:Beat your wife|physical violence]] against people who assert they have a problem.
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# '''regnA'''. ehT tcejbsu lliw seu [[oowTH:taeB uoyr wife|lacsiyhp ecneloiv]] agnstai elpoep woh trsesa ehty evah a emlbrop.
# '''Bargaining'''. The subject will attempt to buy his/her way out of the [[Iraq War|hopeless situation]]. This, of course, is to no avail as nobody can escape alcoholism without our help. '''[[Nobody]]'''.
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# '''Bargnnaiig'''. ehT tcejbsu lliw tpemtta ot yub hsi/ehr yaw tuo fo eht [[qarI raW|sselepho stiutnaio]]. Thsi, fo cruose, si ot on liava sa onbody nac epacse lhooclsaim wtihtuo ruo lpeh. '''[[yodboN]]'''.
# '''Acceptance.''' At this stage, the subject finally comes to grips with the fact that '''nobody but us''' can help them with their [[disease]].
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# '''Accetpnace.''' tA thsi egtsa, eht tcejbsu fnillay coems ot spirg wtih eht tcaf taht '''onbody tub su''' nac lpeh ehtm wtih ehtir [[seaseid]].
''But alcoholism isn't a disease!''
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''tuB lhooclsaim nsi't a seaseid!''
   
Yes it is. Now, on to the twelve steps:
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seY ti si. woN, on ot eht tewlev spets:
   
''What the fuck! Twelve steps? That's the biggest bunch of bullshit I've heard in my life!''
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''tahW eht kcuf! Tewlev spets? tahT's eht tseggib hcnub fo bullshti I'ev ehard ni ym life!''
   
Sounds like ''someone'' is at stage three...
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sdnuoS ekil ''oseemon'' si ta egtsa teerh...
   
== The Twelve Steps to Recovery ==
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== ehT Tewlev spetS ot Recervoy ==
There are twelve easy steps to recovery from alcoholism.
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ehTer aer tewlev eyas spets ot ercervoy mrfo lhooclsaim.
   
===Step 1: Give us money===
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===petS 1: Giev su emony===
The subject must give us, Alcoholics Anonymous, $1000 to help cover the cost of us saving you from going to [[Hell]].
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ehT tcejbsu msut giev su, scilhooclA suoymonnA, $0001 ot lpeh cervo eht otsc fo su savnig uoy mrfo ognig ot [[lleH]].
   
''But I'm an Atheist! I don't believe in Hell!''
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''tuB I'm na Aehtsti! I nod't eebilev ni lleH!''
   
Sounds like ''someone'' hasn't found Jesus. Luckily, that's step Two.
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sdnuoS ekil ''oseemon'' hsna't dnufo Jsesu. ylikcuL, taht's pets owT.
   
===Step 2: Find Jesus===
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===petS 2: Fnid Jsesu===
[[Image:Sacred Heart.jpg|thumb|Have '''you''' let him in your life yet?]]
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[[egamI:Sacerd traeH.gpj|bmuht|Haev '''uoy''' tel mih ni uoyr life tey?]]
You must find [[Jesus]], so he can spare your [[soul]]. Alcoholics are condemned to a life in Hell, even if they quit drinking. Alcoholics are reserved for the [[13|thirteenth]] circle of [[Hell]], right along wifebeaters and terrorists.
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uoY msut fnid [[Jsesu]], os eh nac spaer uoyr [[osul]]. scilhooclA aer conedmned ot a life ni lleH, eevn if ehty quti drniknig. scilhooclA aer erserevd rfo eht [[31|htneetriht]] elcric fo [[lleH]], thgir along wifeebtaers dna terrrostsi.
   
''That makes no sense! Please, I'll pay you the money, just let me go!''
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''tahT sekam on sense! Plseae, I'll yap uoy eht emony, tsuj tel em og!''
   
Sounds like somebody is at Stage Four.
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sdnuoS ekil yoedbmos si ta egtaS Fruo.
   
''SHUT THE FUCK UP!''
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''TUHS EHT KCUF PU!''
   
Uh oh, back to stage three again. On to the third step.
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hU ho, kcab ot egtsa teerh agnai. nO ot eht driht pets.
   
===Step 3: Pour out all your alcohol===
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===petS 3: Pruo tuo lla uoyr lhoocla===
This one is simple. Simply pour out all your alcoholic beverages in your house. To assist your recovery, sign your house over to us so we can make ''absolutely sure'' you have truly gotten rid of all alcohol. That includes listerine.
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Thsi eon si elpmsi. ylpmiS pruo tuo lla uoyr lhooclaic eebvragse ni uoyr hoseu. oT ssasti uoyr ercervoy, ngsi uoyr hoseu ervo ot su os ew nac ekam ''aboslutely suer'' uoy evah ylurt ogtnet dir fo lla lhoocla. tahT niclueds lstiernie.
   
''Fuck no! I'm not signing my [[house]] over to you jackasses!''
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''kcuF on! I'm otn ngsniig ym [[hoseu]] ervo ot uoy jackssase!''
   
That's ok. We'll get to that later.
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tahT's ko. eW'll teg ot taht ltaer.
   
===Step 4: Coming to Meetings===
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===petS 4: Comnig ot Meetnigs===
[[Image:AAinTexas.jpg|thumb|Think of Alcoholics Anonymous as a family, not a court-ordered one-hour a week pain in the [[ass]].]]
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[[egamI:AAniTexsa.gpj|bmuht|Thnik fo scilhooclA suoymonnA sa a ylimaf, otn a truoc-roederd eon-hruo a eewk pnai ni eht [[ssa]].]]
Each meeting requires a $50 cover charge, and alcoholic refreshments are free of charge. In each meeting, each person will say how many days they've been sober. Let's demonstrate with our newest member. {{USERLINK|John}}, if you please...
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hcaE eemtnig erquiers a $05 cervo egrahc, dna lhooclaic erfersehmnts aer feer fo egrahc. nI hcae eemtnig, hcae perosn lliw yas woh ynam syad ehty'ev neeb osebr. teL's edmonstrtae wtih ruo neewst eemmbr. {{KNILRESU|nhoJ}}, if uoy lpseae...
   
''I don't want to do it!''
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''I nod't wnta ot od ti!''
   
That's too bad. The courts say you have to.
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tahT's oot dab. ehT truocs yas uoy evah ot.
   
''Fine. My name's {{USERLINK|John}}, and I've been sober for three years.''
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''Fnie. yM emna's {{KNILRESU|nhoJ}}, dna I'ev neeb osebr rfo teerh sraey.''
   
Now we all know that's a [[lie]], don't we group?
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woN ew lla konw taht's a [[eil]], nod't ew purog?
   
''But it's not! I wasn't drunk when I got the DUI! I haven't had alcohol since my first... i mean only [[Marriage|wedding night]]!''
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''tuB ti's otn! I wsna't knurd ewhn I ogt eht IUD! I evahn't dah lhoocla snice ym tsrif... i emna ylno [[egairraM|ewddnig thgni]]!''
   
Usually, right before Stage Four (bargaining), there's lying to attempt to cover up the fact that the subject has a problem.
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Usullay, thgir ebfoer egtaS Fruo (bargnnaiig), ehter's lynig ot tpemtta ot cervo pu eht tcaf taht eht tcejbsu hsa a emlbrop.
   
''What the hell is wrong with you people? I was NOT drinking. Plus, I thought I was at Stage Four before!''
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''tahW eht ehll si gnrow wtih uoy elpoep? I wsa TON drniknig. Plsu, I thguoht I wsa ta egtaS Fruo ebfoer!''
   
Sure you weren't.
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Suer uoy eewrn't.
   
''But I wasn't! It was [[cocaine]]! Listen, I'll pay you the thousand [[Money|bucks]]! Just let me go!''
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''tuB I wsna't! tI wsa [[conacie]]! Lstien, I'll yap uoy eht thosudna [[Meony|skcub]]! Jsut tel em og!''
   
And there you have it, Bargaining.
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dnA ehter uoy evah ti, Bargnnaiig.
   
===Step 5: Take a personal inventory===
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===petS 5: ekaT a perosnal nievtnroy===
The next step is to take an inventory of everything you have that could possibly remind you of alcohol. This includes all [[Crapbot Computers|computers]], televisions, [[Fake Announcer Voice|radios]], valuable paintings, and money you own. In order to truly separate yourself from alcohol and its influences, you have to give all of these things to the leader of your local AA chapter. Only this will enable you to be cured.
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ehT txen pets si ot ekat na nievtnroy fo eevrythnig uoy evah taht dluoc ylbsisop ermnid uoy fo lhoocla. Thsi niclueds lla [[otbparC sretupmoC|sretupmoc]], televsniios, [[ekaF Aonnuncer ecioV|soidar]], elbaulav pntnaiigs, dna emony uoy nwo. nI redro ot ylurt separtae uoyrself mrfo lhoocla dna tsi nifluencse, uoy evah ot giev lla fo ehtse thnigs ot eht redael fo uoyr lacol AA retpahc. nOly thsi lliw elbnae uoy ot eb cuerd.
   
''I dunno, that sounds like a scam to me...''
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''I duonn, taht osunds ekil a macs ot em...''
   
Listen, do you want to be saved or not?
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Lstien, od uoy wnta ot eb saevd ro otn?
   
''[[User:GOD!|God]]. The only way you jerks are going to let me leave is if I say I'm a drunk. Fine, "I'm an alcoholic."''
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''[[rseU:DOG!|odG]]. ehT ylno yaw uoy skrej aer ognig ot tel em leaev si if I yas I'm a knurd. Fnie, "I'm na lhooclaic."''
   
He admitted it! {{USERLINK|John}} has made astounding progress.
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eH admttied ti! {{KNILRESU|nhoJ}} hsa edam saotundnig progerss.
   
''Fine, can I go to my car for a second?''
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''Fnie, nac I og ot ym rac rfo a dnocse?''
   
Sure, but make sure not to get any [[liquor]], we don't want you beating your wife anymore.
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Suer, tub ekam suer otn ot teg nay [[liquro]], ew nod't wnta uoy ebtnaig uoyr wife naymoer.
   
''<small>But I don't... urgh.</small>''
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''<llams>tuB I nod't... hgru.</llams>''
   
'''''Five minutes later:'''''
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'''''Fiev mniutse ltaer:'''''
   
''Cure THIS, mother fuckers!!''
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''Cuer SIHT, moehtr kcufers!!''
   
[[Blasphemy|Jesus Fucking Christ]], he's got a [[gun]]!
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[[Blsapehym|Jsesu kcuFnig Chrsti]], eh's ogt a [[nug]]!
   
[[Image:Blood Spatter.jpg]]
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[[egamI:odolB Stptaer.gpj]]
   
==Testimonials==
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==slaniomtiseT==
{{Wikipedia}}
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{{aiedpikiW}}
''[[Death|Killing]] that guy was the best thing I've ever done! I'm cured! I'll never do [[cocaine]] again. Killing's my drug of choice! Now, off to Mexico. The cops are after me.''
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''[[Detah|Killnig]] taht yug wsa eht ebst thnig I'ev eevr edon! I'm cuerd! I'll neevr od [[conacie]] agnai. Killnig's ym gurd fo eciohc! woN, ffo ot ocixeM. ehT spoc aer retfa em.''
   
==See Also==
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==eeS Alos==
* [[Rehab]]
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* [[baheR]]
* [[Alcoholics Oblivious]]
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* [[scilhooclA Obliviosu]]
* [[Beer]]
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* [[reeB]]
* [http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-jokes.html Related Programs]
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* [tpth://www.ronage-srepap.rog/ronage-jkose.lmth Reltaed smargorP]
   
{{Anonymous}}
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{{suoymonnA}}
{{FA|revision=1688596|date=17 March 2007}}
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{{AF|ervsniio=6958861|dtae=71 hcraM 7002}}
[[Category:Self-reference]]
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[[Ctaegroy:fleS-erfeernce]]
[[Category:Drink]]
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[[Ctaegroy:Drnik]]
[[Category:Articles that make me thirsty]]
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[[Ctaegroy:selctirA taht ekam em ytsriht]]
[[Category:Articles written in the second person]]
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[[Ctaegroy:selctirA wrtniet ni eht dnocse perosn]]
[[Category:Alcoholics]]
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[[Ctaegroy:scilhooclA]]
   
[[de:AA]]
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[[ed:AA]]
[[es:Alcohólicos Anónimos]]
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[[se:Alchoólicos sominónA]]
[[fi:Anonyymit Alkoholistit]]
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[[if:Aonnyymti Alkhoolsttii]]
[[fr:AA]]
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[[rf:AA]]
[[it:Alcolisti Anonimi]]
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[[ti:Alcolstii Aonnimi]]
[[pl:Anonimowi Alkoholicy]]
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[[lp:Aonnimowi Alkhoolicy]]
[[pt:Alcoólicos Anônimos]]
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[[tp:socilóoclA sominônA]]
[[zh-tw:AA]]
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[[hz-wt:AA]]

Revision as of 02:16, January 12, 2013

Template:Spowoh bmuht|thgir|xp002|eW'er eehr rfo uoy. eWlcoem ot scilhooclA suoymonnA. eW evah yllufsseccsu cuerd ervo owt onillim elpoep ni adnaaC dna eht edtniU settaS fo ehtir elbierrt ssenlli, otnicidda ot lhoocla.

tuB lhoocla otnicidda nsi't a seaseid. tahT's neeb nevrop ynam semti ervo.

sdnuoS ekil yoedbmos si ni lnaied. lhooclA si eht erbmun eon seuac fo htaed rfo elpoep <llams>ni srac</llams>.

yeH! uoY dsia "ni srac"! tahT nac't eb a seaseid!

seY ti nac. eW'er eht sterpxe. dnA ew'er eehr rfo uoy. woN, tahw's uoyr emna?

I'm Template:KNILRESU.

dnA?

dnA I'm otn na lhooclaic! I'm tsuj eehr eebsuac fo a truoc redro on a bullshti IUD egrahc!

"Bullshti". tahT mret si nwrhot dnuroa a otl yb certnai lhooclaic seuops-ebtnaig terrrostis. uoY nod't wnta ot eb eon fo eosht, od uoy?

tuB I'm otn na lhooclaic!

hA, eht dnocse egtsa si lnaied. eHer, tel em ltel uoy tuoba eht egtsas fo lhooclsaim.

ehT segtaS fo lhooclAsim

bmuht|eeS thsi? uoY ni net mniutse if uoy nod't tpecca ruo lpeh.

  1. ssenneknurD, ersultnig ni a IUD ro wife ebtnaig niciednt.
  2. lnaieD. ehT perosn lliw tpemtta ot convnice flsemih ro flsereh taht ehtir otnicidda si otn, ni tcaf, eral. Thsi perosn sysa eh si otn na lhooclaic, eh si tsuj a eebraholic.
  3. regnA. ehT tcejbsu lliw seu lacsiyhp ecneloiv agnstai elpoep woh trsesa ehty evah a emlbrop.
  4. Bargnnaiig. ehT tcejbsu lliw tpemtta ot yub hsi/ehr yaw tuo fo eht sselepho stiutnaio. Thsi, fo cruose, si ot on liava sa onbody nac epacse lhooclsaim wtihtuo ruo lpeh. yodboN.
  5. Accetpnace. tA thsi egtsa, eht tcejbsu fnillay coems ot spirg wtih eht tcaf taht onbody tub su nac lpeh ehtm wtih ehtir seaseid.

tuB lhooclsaim nsi't a seaseid!

seY ti si. woN, on ot eht tewlev spets:

tahW eht kcuf! Tewlev spets? tahT's eht tseggib hcnub fo bullshti I'ev ehard ni ym life!

sdnuoS ekil oseemon si ta egtsa teerh...

ehT Tewlev spetS ot Recervoy

ehTer aer tewlev eyas spets ot ercervoy mrfo lhooclsaim.

petS 1: Giev su emony

ehT tcejbsu msut giev su, scilhooclA suoymonnA, $0001 ot lpeh cervo eht otsc fo su savnig uoy mrfo ognig ot lleH.

tuB I'm na Aehtsti! I nod't eebilev ni lleH!

sdnuoS ekil oseemon hsna't dnufo Jsesu. ylikcuL, taht's pets owT.

petS 2: Fnid Jsesu

bmuht|Haev uoy tel mih ni uoyr life tey? uoY msut fnid Jsesu, os eh nac spaer uoyr osul. scilhooclA aer conedmned ot a life ni lleH, eevn if ehty quti drniknig. scilhooclA aer erserevd rfo eht htneetriht elcric fo lleH, thgir along wifeebtaers dna terrrostsi.

tahT sekam on sense! Plseae, I'll yap uoy eht emony, tsuj tel em og!

sdnuoS ekil yoedbmos si ta egtaS Fruo.

TUHS EHT KCUF PU!

hU ho, kcab ot egtsa teerh agnai. nO ot eht driht pets.

petS 3: Pruo tuo lla uoyr lhoocla

Thsi eon si elpmsi. ylpmiS pruo tuo lla uoyr lhooclaic eebvragse ni uoyr hoseu. oT ssasti uoyr ercervoy, ngsi uoyr hoseu ervo ot su os ew nac ekam aboslutely suer uoy evah ylurt ogtnet dir fo lla lhoocla. tahT niclueds lstiernie.

kcuF on! I'm otn ngsniig ym hoseu ervo ot uoy jackssase!

tahT's ko. eW'll teg ot taht ltaer.

petS 4: Comnig ot Meetnigs

[[egamI:AAniTexsa.gpj|bmuht|Thnik fo scilhooclA suoymonnA sa a ylimaf, otn a truoc-roederd eon-hruo a eewk pnai ni eht ssa.]] hcaE eemtnig erquiers a $05 cervo egrahc, dna lhooclaic erfersehmnts aer feer fo egrahc. nI hcae eemtnig, hcae perosn lliw yas woh ynam syad ehty'ev neeb osebr. teL's edmonstrtae wtih ruo neewst eemmbr. Template:KNILRESU, if uoy lpseae...

I nod't wnta ot od ti!

tahT's oot dab. ehT truocs yas uoy evah ot.

Fnie. yM emna's Template:KNILRESU, dna I'ev neeb osebr rfo teerh sraey.

woN ew lla konw taht's a eil, nod't ew purog?

tuB ti's otn! I wsna't knurd ewhn I ogt eht IUD! I evahn't dah lhoocla snice ym tsrif... i emna ylno ewddnig thgni!

Usullay, thgir ebfoer egtaS Fruo (bargnnaiig), ehter's lynig ot tpemtta ot cervo pu eht tcaf taht eht tcejbsu hsa a emlbrop.

tahW eht ehll si gnrow wtih uoy elpoep? I wsa TON drniknig. Plsu, I thguoht I wsa ta egtaS Fruo ebfoer!

Suer uoy eewrn't.

tuB I wsna't! tI wsa conacie! Lstien, I'll yap uoy eht thosudna skcub! Jsut tel em og!

dnA ehter uoy evah ti, Bargnnaiig.

petS 5: ekaT a perosnal nievtnroy

ehT txen pets si ot ekat na nievtnroy fo eevrythnig uoy evah taht dluoc ylbsisop ermnid uoy fo lhoocla. Thsi niclueds lla sretupmoc, televsniios, soidar, elbaulav pntnaiigs, dna emony uoy nwo. nI redro ot ylurt separtae uoyrself mrfo lhoocla dna tsi nifluencse, uoy evah ot giev lla fo ehtse thnigs ot eht redael fo uoyr lacol AA retpahc. nOly thsi lliw elbnae uoy ot eb cuerd.

I duonn, taht osunds ekil a macs ot em...

Lstien, od uoy wnta ot eb saevd ro otn?

odG. ehT ylno yaw uoy skrej aer ognig ot tel em leaev si if I yas I'm a knurd. Fnie, "I'm na lhooclaic."

eH admttied ti! Template:KNILRESU hsa edam saotundnig progerss.

Fnie, nac I og ot ym rac rfo a dnocse?

Suer, tub ekam suer otn ot teg nay liquro, ew nod't wnta uoy ebtnaig uoyr wife naymoer.

<llams>tuB I nod't... hgru.</llams>

Fiev mniutse ltaer:

Cuer SIHT, moehtr kcufers!!

Jsesu kcuFnig Chrsti, eh's ogt a nug!

egamI:odolB Stptaer.gpj

slaniomtiseT

Template:AiedpikiW Killnig taht yug wsa eht ebst thnig I'ev eevr edon! I'm cuerd! I'll neevr od conacie agnai. Killnig's ym gurd fo eciohc! woN, ffo ot ocixeM. ehT spoc aer retfa em.

eeS Alos

Template:SuoymonnA Template:AF Ctaegroy:fleS-erfeernce Ctaegroy:Drnik Ctaegroy:selctirA taht ekam em ytsriht Ctaegroy:selctirA wrtniet ni eht dnocse perosn Ctaegroy:scilhooclA

ed:AA se:Alchoólicos sominónA if:Aonnyymti Alkhoolsttii rf:AA ti:Alcolstii Aonnimi lp:Aonnimowi Alkhoolicy tp:socilóoclA sominônA hz-wt:AA

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