Alberto Gonzales

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480px-Alberto Gonzales - official DoJ photograph

A picture of Alberto Gonzales when he isn't smoking dope.

Alberto "Speedy" Gonzales was the United States Attorney General from February 3, 2005 – September 17, 2007. Late in his term, he achieved celebrity for the incorrect use of the term "I don't recall". While some think he actually can't recall, he can; he's just a liar. Seriously dude, think about it; unless you've damaged your short term memory you can't possibly forget things that happened the day before.

edit Early Life

Gonzales was raised in Humble, Texas. As Gonzales's parents didn't go to college, they were pretty stupid and lazy (despite being asked not to be stupid). Therefore, Gonzales had no choice but to work at a local grocery store when he was 5 years old to help feed his family.

Gonzales's misuse of the term "I don't recall" arose this early in life when a customer said:

Cquote1 Once I asked him where the ketchup was, he just replied in a heavy Mexican accent "Ketchup? I do not recall the existence of a ket yup? Cquote2

Nonetheless, Gonzales was able to finish high school, but his record was permanently scarred when he checked out Horton Hires a ho and failed to return it to the library. Now most people wouldn’t care, but Gonzales seemed quite embarrassed as the local librarian approached him on the steps of the White House and said: "Young man, you checked out Horton Hires a ho in 1960 and never returned it. You owe the library $52,945.15 in late fees."

13 short years after failing to return the book to the library, he attended Harvard University where he eventually graduated. To this day he claims that he "doesn't recall graduating" [1] and neither do his friends. They do recall partying a lot during that time, and doing all sorts of other fun stuff.

edit Attorney General

In 2005, Gonzales replaced a musician as the US Attorney General [2].

Gonzales memo

Alberto Gonzales shredded the memo ordering the firings of the attorneys.

Recall gonzales

Audience members are at the edge of their seats as they hear Gonzales say "I don't recall" so many times.

Nothing happened that you'd actually care about[3] until December 2006 when the Justice Department fired eight US Attorneys[4] during the middle of their terms. Many people believed that Gonzales was responsible for the firings as he was videotaped shredding a memo ordering the firing in order to cover up key evidence that would determine if Gonzales was responsible for the firings.

The Judicary Committee wanted to investigate the firings more and, in March 2007, Gonzales was invited to speak at an investigation into the matter. He accepted the invitation [5]. During the testimony, he accepted full responsibility and acknowledged "mistakes were made", but did not recall shredding a memo ordering the firings. Days later, he claimed he did not recall accepting full responsibility and blamed the Democrats.

In one single testimony he said the phrase "I don't recall" six dozen times. He does not recall saying this six dozen times, and later on did not recall saying "I do not recall using the term "I don't recall" 6 dozen times." The next day when asked about it, he said:

Cquote1 I do not recall saying "I do not recall using the term "I don't recall" 6 dozen times." Cquote2

Gonzales's use of the term "I don't recall" upset several senators [6] who called for his resignation. Gonzales did not resign until late August because he claims he did not recall senators calling for his resignation.

Coincidentally, Gonzales's resignation was during the scandal involving Senator Larry Craig pleading guilty to lewd conduct. Craig tapped Gonzales (on the toe) to head up the Idaho Closet Club.

edit Bid for Presidency

Speedygonzalez

Gonzales bid for the White House was so fast, even he missed it.

Prior to retirement, in late September of 2007, Gonzales announced his bid for the US Presidency. He said "I am not satisfied with the current Presidential candidates." One critic told him that he said in the past that he didn't have an interest in running for President. Alberto Gonzales did not recall saying that and stayed in the election until he was forced to drop out of the race due to lack of support in polls. After this, he earned the nickname Alberto "Speedy" Gonzales as his run for the White House was so quick.

edit Footnotes

  1. Irony! How can a Harvard Graduate not recall basic things such as his home, birth date, and his school?
  2. Because some Texan hired him.
  3. If you actually "care", please consult reliable sources instead.
  4. For political reasons.
  5. Gonzales had too accept the invitation, or else...
  6. Well, duh.
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