Albert Pike

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Albert Pike

Albert Pike

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Albert Pike.

Albert Pike (December 25,1799 - May 1, 1880) was a 19th century philanthropist and civil rights advocate. He was instrumental in founding the underground railroad and a devout Freemason who worshiped Lucifer. He also never fapped in front of the mirror.

Early Years

Pike was born Alousious Thornton Hannity December 25, 1799. His parents were reformed reformist reforming missionaries teaching the missionary position to American natives in the Southwest. At the age of five he was spurned by the advances of a local chieftain and vowed to spend the rest of his life in heterosexual celibacy.

His parents sent him into obscurity to avoid any formal charges, changing his name to Albert Sean Hannity Pike. He was educated in a series of Eastern philanthropic education places that taught philanthropy in an Eastern manner. He became so eastern people accused him of not having a west side. He graduated with honors and some lifelong scars. Pike found himself on a quest to free the Negro from the bonds that European centered America had bound him in. First, he stopped off for an ale at Winston's Pub and then found himself on a horse headed for Georgia.

Negroes

It was on this journey that young Albert first had an encounter with a negro. While stopping in Tennessee for ham biscuits and grits, he was shocked to see a man that was much darker in complexion. In his memoirs, he wrote:

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A Negro

"I was shocked to see a man of much darker complexion."

Eventually the initial shock wore off and he noticed the "darker" people were horribly oppressed. He decided that he must do something to bring the word of Christ and liberty to these oppressed peoples. Again, his memoirs:

"After the dark man had fed and curried my horse, I asked him if this was his usual profession. He stated to me he had no idea what I just said, but that my horse was ready."

It is rumored at about this time Pike began a homosexual affair with a new member of what he deemed a secret society.

Homosexuals

It was as Pike furthered his journey on towards the deep south, as if that isn't poetic enough you'd like some more flowery prose about Spanish Moss and Gardenias - no - I ain't goin' there. I won't. I refuse. The South is about more than Mint Juleps and Negroes singing in tune. It has a character beyond cotillions and debutante gatherings. Well, maybe not. Get me some Negroes into fashion and a great designer and we'll have a debutante party along with designer martini mint juleps. FUCK!! THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!! But, then again, where was I? Was I? Shall we dabble in existentialism? I mean, are we really here or is this just an illusion? Wow, it would be so cool if some racist homophobe made up a religion elite folks like myself could follow. Fuck that Jesus shit - we want action! Something a little money can make more interesting and I can have the opportunity to rape my peasants as I... Oh, nevermind.

Civil War and Child Rape

Perpetual indignity spawns futility, or so I have heard. Nothing is more truer than things that aren't. Am I digressing? Take salad for an example. You take shit that looks like hell, wash it off and rearrange it in an appealing manner and invite people to eat it. But, rarely do you see one consume a forkful of garden delicacies without smothering it in some sort of man-made faux flavor. Bleu cheese? Italian? French? What the fuck? You expect me to believe the French actually eat garden fare with watered-down ketchup? I've been to France and they detest ketchup. No need to go to Italy. Have you ever had "spaghetti Bolognese?" See what I mean? Oh, Pike. Yeah, he was this guy. I suppose since this is an entry on Albert Pike I should progress into some Chinese history to appease the reader. So, where were we? Did we get to the part yet where he wrote a plan to take over the world through genocide and propaganda? What do you mean "Dancing With the Stars" is on?

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White People

Three World Wars

No part would be complete without your subscription now. Newt Gingrich is waiting at your door. You see, there seem to be a hell of a lot of "undesirables" insisting on things like liberty and freedom of choice. God forbid. But, Al had a plan - not to be confused with Al Gore, who also has a plan and if you look a little closer it may resemble Pike's. This is where you and I begin to separate like an amoeba that just had an orgasm. So, somewhere along the line, little young Al, as he will maybe hitherto be referred as, had a change of heart. He decided he hated anyone that wasn't white and really didn't give a fuck about Jesus anymore. Is this where the story gets interesting? I don't know. You tell me. Do you openly protest homosexuality and Satanism, but behind closed doors you suck cock like a hurricane and have more severed goat heads on your mantle than an anthropologist? Okay, then. Now, perhaps you are beginning to understand Albert Pike.

Luciferianism and your mom

Sometimes delusion is the best drug that money can't buy. I remember walking through the park late at night looking for a guy they called "Pookie" because he had the best line on whores and crack. I'm really not sure what this has to do with the story, but somehow I feel I can connect Pike and his insanity to a social depravity I have yet to mention. After all, it must have occurred to you that "Pookie" was a negro and the "whores" in question most likely were as well. If not, I hope your mom picks up your room again and washes and folds your socks. If there ever was a great excuse for climbing up a tower with a high-powered rifle, it might be easily discredited or misconstrued to the thing you see when you look into the mirror. One is reminded of Benjamin Franklin's open protest in front of the Constitutional Congress, "This is how I roll." So, this is still about Pike, right? Jesus Christ the dude was a fucking racist Luciferian faggot and delighted in taking the civil rights away from the underclass. He invoked a feudalistic ideology that threatens your very freedoms to this very day, but seeing how you still worship Jesus and have invisible friends that you let drive your car when you are shitfaced you only empower him. While you sit back and cheer on Bill O'Reilly a poor woman in the urban city is sucking the cock of a rich white motherfucker that drives a Lexus into the hood looking for an outlet to his perversions that she takes advantage of to buy her kids Kool-Aid. Grape. They love grape.

Burl Ives

Fiddle dee dee, fiddle dee dee, the fly has married the bumblebee.

Scottish Rite Freemasonry

Staue

Sometimes the subtleties of life are the disasters of reality. "Back and to the left. Back and to the left." Free you might say. Of masonry? Well you see it is this chap we have found. It is he who is adding a self narrative of tone and style to this article of which you are now reading. Well, you see, what I'm building up to is that you will know, as does he, that such a tone and style does tend to cause one to wander. Or travel, you might say. For sir, are perhaps you a Traveler? I think you could be our morning star. It's nothing that I ask. But nonetheless, let me shake your hand, and congratulate you. Oh. You have done very well. I see that we have concluded our business here now, I should leave...

Legacy

For his work in promoting racism and secret societies, Pike has been revered by men of lesser means who have put him on a pedestal. Really. As a Confederate Officer, a Ku Klux Klan member, a Luciferian, a reformer of Scottish Rite Freemasonry and a visionary of a return to feudalism, Pike is honored in a statue of himself behind the Supreme Court building in Washington, D.C.. Makes you wonder why people in high places in government would want to honor such a despicable character as Pike, but then look who is in Congress and who is running the country. Pike's vision is to have a Luciferian theocratic state and abolish Christianity, which actually isn't a bad idea, but shouldn't necessarily be replaced with another religion. He wrote in a disputed letter to Guiseppi Mazzini, Italian socialist and pizza restaurant owner that with three world wars they could eventually take over the world and by unleashing terror and fear control the masses. Wow. Maybe he was right.

See also

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