Albert Hicks

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Albert Hicks, the Purple Faggot.

Albert W. Hicks (1820-1860) A.K.A "The New York Tiger" and "Purple Faggot" was the first openly gay purple human in the United States. He was also a convicted serial killer and often practiced bestiality, while at the same time owning a general goods store in Hudson Valley.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Albert Hicks.

edit Early life and career

Hicks was born Purpleturd Wazowski Hicks to a medium-class family in Nebraska, named because of the disease he was born with. Purpleturd was diagnosed with melanin purpura, an extremely rare condition where the child is born with purple-colored skin. He was abused by his father until he was 10, when his father abandoned him and his mother for a whore he had met in Atlantic City. He quickly adapted to the role of man of the house, gaining employment as a newspaper seller for the New York Times, where he would stay employed until 1940, his 20th birthday, when he met George Marriot.

edit Marriage, name change and adoption

George and Purpleturd quickly fell in love and considered marriage, even though Hicks' purple coloration forbid him from any civil marriage act. This led to Hicks changing his name to Albert Wazowski Hicks and painting his skin white. In 1943 they had an undercover marriage with a schizophrenic hobo as a priest in an alley in lower Manhattan and two McDonald's onion rings as, well... wedding rings.

They moved into a farm in Arkansas, where they erected a plantation of corn, potatoes, silk and a special section dedicated only to hardcore gay sex toys, which the couple often used. Their farm also raised cows, sheep, swine and diabetes for human consumption. Albert and George adopted a vietnamese small boy they found in the middle of their plantation one day, feasting on potatoes and corn, and reserved a room in a nearby hotel where this boy would live until the tender age of 14, when he fell from the balcony of his hotel room, dropping 20 floor and smashing his head on the concrete, instantly dying.

edit Impact on couple and killing spree

The death of their child would greatly impact the couple:

  • George developed anxiety and depression and was prescribed large quantities of "Xanax" by a strange doctor from France. These pills would later reveal themselves as being a new type of birth-control pill that, when ingested by men, would slowly transform them into women. George became Georgina Marriot and would go on to be one of the most famous transgender men of the 1860's. His (or her) involuntary sex change meant he (or she) no longer appealed to Albert, who fled from their farm as soon as news came of their son's tragic death.
  • Albert arrived at the scene of the accident about 20 minutes after it happened, sweating his balls off after a 2 mile sprint to the hotel. The sweat washed the white paint off his skin, and his true purple color was bare as he arrived. At the sight of his dead son, Albert began histerically laughing in denial. A cocky police officer said that his purple color and grin made him look like Ronald McDonald's friend, Grimace.

This drove Albert to steal the officer's handgun and go on a shooting spree in the hotel lobby, killing two officers (including the cocky fucker), three paramedics and five bystanders, and injuring an estimated 10 people. He was immediatly arrested and taken to Bonerville Jail, where he trialed as mentally insane. However his lawyer was utter garbage and he was convicted of murder and sentenced to the death penalty.

edit Late years and Execution

Albert's execution occured on Liberty Island, with nearly 10.000 people watching. Among the observers were Adolf Hitler's father and timelords Doctor Blackadder and Anne Robinson, as well as Abraham Lincoln. His final wish was to eat a bowl of the world's finest oatmeal, which was granted. After finishing the dish, he was hung from a makeshift podium, his last words being How I'd love a nice hot carton of McDonald's Fri- (He was hung before he could finish the statement, which is suspected to have been sponsored by McDonald's.

Hicks' corpse was embalmed and currently belongs to the Smithsonian Archives for further study of his skin condition. Viewing of the body is restricted, with 24-hour surveilance and automated defense mechanisms such as a rat-trap-like structure built over Albert. The one trespasser who managed to enter the room was trapped by the machine, being this the only time a rat-trap like that ever worked.

edit See also

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