Albania
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“It is true that John Kerry is of Albanian descent, I was wondering why they didn't let him get the presidency!”
~ Bill Clinton on Albania
“They like me, they really like me!”
~ George W. Bush on Albania
“No George they don't!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Albania
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| Motto: "Albania, The Anus of Europe" | |||||
| Anthem: "gathered around the fire drum!" | |||||
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| Capital | Tirana | ||||
| Largest city | New York | ||||
| Official languages | language of the Dollar | ||||
| Government | La Mafia Albanese | ||||
| President | The Moronator | ||||
| National Hero(es) | |||||
| Declaration of Independence | still american vassal | ||||
| Currency | Chinese AK's & opium | ||||
| Religion | We worship the smelly brown God | ||||
| Major exports | drugs,prostitutes and under-educated migrants | ||||
| Major imports | coka-cola, american flags and weapons | ||||
| Opening hours | 9:00 - 5:00 | ||||
The Federal Republic inside of Kosovo, otherwise known as Albania is a territory which covers the Western part and most of the Southern part of the Illyiran Peninsula (a.k.a The Balkans).
Contents |
ALBANIA
SMELLS!
Hahaha.
History
It is very hard to remember Albania's exact century of emerging, as it is known to be in the Balkans (or on the Hudson River) for more than 3,000 years. Different from barbarian Slavic tribes who are known to have moved to the Balkans around the 7th century. The Illyrians on the other hand are never linked to nomad or barbaric behavior. The ancient Albanians, called Illyrians had many interesting sports and events that they held. One of these sports was called "get owned by greece", it emerged in the 7th century and the main objective of this sport was to bend over and wait- the guy with the most "transactions" would win the right to have sex with his dog or mother-in-law whichever took his facy at the time.
Albania was conquered by the Italians, Greeks, Serbs, Bulgarians, Turks, Germans & Soviets repeatedly and in a very coincidental fashion. The story goes that in their entire history they've never thought of making a army fit to defend their..... (whatever it is they hold dear)
Climate
Albania's climate is very similar to that of Hawaii, just double the crack addicts and half the beaches. Some people compare Albania to paradise not only for its climate but for the hospitality of the albanians who offer up their mothers,wifes and daughters for a decent price.
Economy
Any money earned in Albania is earned through the export of semen in large quantities. when foreign nations started to make sperm banks Albanian males saw their chance, being professional tossers they got straight to work with their tweezers and magnifying glass. The vast majority of Albanian semen was imported to America. As the American government saw that it only brought ugly people and low IQ's into the world they saw this as a chance to gain excess tax dollars. This however backfired as they did not expect that these new Americans would not be able to find the USA on a map and they were severely disappointed (9/10 Albanians can't find a map let alone any country) they proceeded to sue the shit out of (popular American passtime) Albanian sweat shops and send Albania into a state of poverty comparable to Bangladesh or Albania (a few years previous).
Tourism
Albania is covered by tall mountains with plenty of snow that are, however, unusable as ski centers due to a lack of roads, and has a fairly long but beachless coast. These characteristics did not make it a major tourist location, but it did have some fine tourist seasons, the best being the 1912-1918. period which saw two major armed-men-only Serbian excursions - the first one to Shkoder (1912), and the second one to Tirana (1915), and a transit one to Greece(1915). Also came a similar Italian excursion in 1915. to Valona, French one to Durazzo, and then a tour of the country by the Austrians. Italians returned briefly in 1918. The tourists complained about the non-exsisting roads and lack of food, but nevertheless, the new kingdom of Yugoslavia organised another similar trip to Albania in 1924. and another one was organised in 1939. by the Italians lasting four years. The end of the latter ended the glorious days of Albanian tourism.
Tradition
Wedding ceremonies usually require a fixed number of Kalashnikov rifles in order to perform the ritual of "happy shooting" or shooting in the air until you have no more rounds left. The usual ratio for required Kalashnikov's is one for every ten people attending the wedding celebration, but in cases where Kalashnikov's can't be brought because of technical reasons it is recommended to use regular pistols at a ratio of 5 for every 10 people.
Each time a boy has reached manhood (the age of 5) he is taken to a neighboring village where the little boy will repeatedly raped with a Baseball bat wraped in razor wire. The boy is then given the honor of urinating on his parents face. On that night the boy will be entitled the full privileges of every grown man in albania, and receives the license to catch dicks in his mouth and dispose of needles that other albanians leave lying around greece.
Other traditions include: Ceremonial key parties where new members are admitted by their parents; Rioting for gay rights; theiving.
Albanians
People from Albany are known to be uptight, especially when trying to trounce on New York City's God-given rights. Oh wait, you mean Albania? Well thats a different story. Albanians tend to eat crap...alot. Normal food ,especially pasta, is utterly disgusting to them.
Sport
Albanians are not good at any other sport, besides, crap eating.
But for some of the sports played in Albania, consult the Kosovo article.
Plans of war with the USA
One morning, the high command of the military, hang-over from a party the previous night, came up with a brilliant plan. "Let's declare war on America", they said, "We lose, they invade us and maintain us...problems solved". "What if we win?", said one of them, "Who is gonna maintain the US?". So the plan was abandoned and they all went back to sleep.
Music
Famous singers, who started the "My Ears, O My God, My Ears... They Hurt" musical movement in Albania:
- Sinan "I'm so pretty" Hoxha
- Gjyste "I Got Jugs" Vulaj also called Gjyste "Muuuu" Vulaj
- Duli
- Ervin "Eminem" Bushati
- Xhavit Dedej
- Sami Kallmi: drunk, hairy man with the award-winning songs "Marsida" and "Cunat e Shijakut" (Shijaku Boys), in which he sings: "I was a pretty girl, a girl with demands, a guy from Shijaku stole my heart..."
- Moli
Unfortunately we have no footage of the last two singers.
Advice: For your own good drink massive amounts of rakia before listening to any of these songs.
