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“ Here Ye! I've scored more goals in the premiership than anyone! How hard does that make me like? Aye thats reet Well'ard!”
“ Here Ye! Wor Patty Kluivert named is bairn afta 'us so if ya start on me son, I'll get the dutch on ya! Aye thats reet I've got global connections an' all sorts!”
Alan Well'ard Shearer (born 13 August 1970) is a retired English footballer often said to be the second best thing to come out of Newcastle since Sting. Alan is also Leader of the Geordies, a ruthless gang in Newcastle filled with charvers and angry football fanatics. He is also the hardest person alive known for his brief boxing career and for being an underground fight champion.
He played as a forward in the premiership for Southampton and later on helped win Blackburn the title. However his career took a huge downfall when he began playing for Newcastle. As he watched the likes of Andy Cole and Les Ferdinand leave the club for better teams, Shearer became the only good player for Newcastle and as the years went by was forced to play alongside a whole host of players, some not deemed conference league standard. He was also known for taking his captaincy far too seriously, often taking form as a dictator on the pitch.
After his retirement Shearer suspiciously landed a job as a football pundit for BBC's Match of The Day. It is rumoured that he had connections with previous BBC producers of long running television show Byker Grove which he often starred in.
Unknown to many, Alan is good mates with David Weir of Rangers having first met in a retirement home while David was still playing for Glasgow Rangers. Davie was thought to have retired two decades ago when he was 214 but apparently is still going strong at the ripe old age of 234.
Shearer was born in 1970 in a notorious area for hardcases: Gosforth. Ex-Newcastle United stars were warned of the second coming which would take place in a shed in Gosforth. On the day of his birth he was visited by Wor Jackie Milburn, Malcolm 'Super Mac' MacDonald and a nine year old Peter Beardsley who brought gifts of gold sovereign rings, a mexico 1970 world cup ball and a five pound note. After the lads realised it wasnt the second coming they cursed the heavens in disgrace while Beardsley (commonly known as Satans representitive on Earth) performed a hellish curse on the young Shearer. Beardsley swore that the boy would be given unbelievable football ability but would spend the majority of his career playing at Newcastle United.
Shearer gained his nickname Well'ard after single handedly knocking out the school bully at Gosfoth High with one punch to the head. Shearer was involved in gangs at a young age joining famous 80's gang The Toon Terrors.
On 6th July 1984, Shearer was arrested for being in possesion of knives, knuckledusters and a customized air rifle. He was not given a prison sentence as the court deemed him underage but he was charged with community service in Newcastle. However this only caused problems as Shearer was now back on the streets where he was famous for starting numerous riots. After finally retaining him, the court decided to send Shearer to Gosforth Young Offenders Institution. It was in this young offenders unit when Shearer discovered his love for football.
Club career/Failure at Newcastle
After being released from the institution, Shearer joined Newcastles top junior team Wallsend Boys. It was here where he was discovered and signed by Southhampton. He spent many years their before being transfered to Blackburn where he really found fame. He was famous for threatening defenders with beatings if they did not let him pass. Defenders feared Shearer and allowed him to score many goals, helping Blackburn win the title.
After a successful career at Southampton and a title win at Blackburn, Shearer was convinced that Beardsley's curse was a hoax. After Euro 96 Shearer was sought after by infamous talent hoggers Manchester United. Shearer was about to make the leap from top striker to worldwide superstar, but Blackburn manager Jack Walker would not let Shearer go to Manchester. Heartbroken, Shearer looked for the answer and found it in his hero Kevin Keegan, manager of Newcastle United. However Keegan was actually a demon from the underworld sent to tempt Shearer into joining the boys in black and white. Keegan needed more than just himself to persuade Shearer to join. After asking a selection of Geordies what they wanted most in life he found out that to get Shearer he would need "pure loadsa money like". After talks with Shearer, Keegan offered Blackburn a fee of £15 million pounds which they immediately accepted. After signing the talented striker, Keegan was ordered back to the underworld and later that season announced his resignation.
As Peter Beardsley swore, Shearer remained at Newcastle, a team filled with corruption. He suffered for many years at the hands of the chairman Freddy Fat Fuck, a greedy man with no common sense, constant hunger for pasties and an unfortunate love for the club. Shearer was involved in fierce battles with Ruudy Gullit while he was manager eventually causing Gullit to leave. At the time of leaving Gullit can be seen with an imprint of a sovereign ring on his face, many beleive that it was caused by Shearer. Shearer was also forced to witness the shambles of a manager that was Graeme Souness. By the 2005/2006 season he was in despair and decided to retire.
On news of his disappointing career at the toon and failure to win any major trophies, Hell celebrated by throwing a feast for Peter Beardsley who was on that day named Satan's right hand man.
Brief Boxing Career and Underground Fighting
After his football career, Alan decided to use one of his other talents: Beating people up. He enjoyed a short career in boxing. Unfortuantely after a series of undefeated matches, Shearer was banned from boxing. Boxing officials said that it was unfair for boxers to fight Shearer as it was the equivalent of a man fighting a Grizzly Bear. They also showed how in his last fifteen matches, seven were dead, five were left with brain damage and three were left paralysed for life.
Shearer decided that if he were unable to fight professionally then the only other thing he could do would be to fight illegally. After re-watching his favourite film, Fight Club, Shearer decided to create an underground fighting championship in which men just like him could fight. However his rules were more hardcore in the fact that competitors must fight to the death. After reports of over 300 deaths in the Newcastle area, Police began an investigation. Police have been unable to connect Shearer with estimated 378 deaths in these underground fights. Shortly after their interrogations with Alan the underground fighting rings were abondoned.
Another Failure at Newcastle
After his disappointing playing career, Shearer returned to the club but this time to manage them, for their last eight games of the premiership in the 2008/2009 season. With belief that his legendary geordie status could save Newcastle from relegation he started his managerial debut with high hopes. However Shearer was unaware that to succeed in this task he would have to actually have some experience and also have a semi-decent team, with neither of those two things behind him he once again failed to help Newcastle in its desperate dream to become "an alreet club"
Leadership of The Geordies
After being relegated from the premiership, thousands of angry Geordies confronted Shearer in an ASDA car park. The leader of this ravenous pack, Sting, complained to Shearer about how Maccams had been calling Newcastle United shit and that they had been dissing Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway. Alan took these insults to heart, the same as all the other men in the crowd. On that day he named himself Leader of The Geordies ahead of Sting.
The Governing Body of the Geordie War Tribe is as follows:
- Leader - Alan Shearer
- Evil Henchman - Sting
- Weapons Expert - Brian Johnson
- Public speakers - Ant and Dec
- Receptionist - Jill Halfpenny
The tribe also consists of the thousands of Newcastle United supporters and armed youths from Byker and Gosforth.
Attempt at Invading Sunderland
As the months after Newcastles relegation went on, more and more Maccams were giving The Geordies cheek and so Shearer began his plan to invade Sunderland. On 12th November, The Geordies marched into Middlesborough were Shearer began talks with leader of The Boro Massive: Bernie Slaven. After sharing pain over the loss of Mark Viduka for both teams and the pain of getting relegated together, the two gangs combined to invade the cocky population of Sunderland.
Three days later, The two gangs marched into Sunderland and led a campaign of terror through the streets. Shearer and Slaven led their armies into the centre of London were a mass riot broke out. Sunderland Police armed heavily with riot shields stopped the violence forcing the gangs to retreat back. However after these events the police have been warned of further attacks and Sunderland is now heavily protected with police from other regions travelling to the north east to provide more support surrounding the borders.
Match of the Day
After his retirement and once again disappointing spell at Newcastle, Shearer became a regular pundit for the BBC's Match of the Day with a crude fashion sense, pinstripe shirts that get fucked up when viewing in standard def which give any epileptics watching seizures and tight trousers that barely conceal his meat and two veg. Shearer is often heavily drugged during filming to prevent violent mood swings or yobbish behaviour. Statistics show that after every MOTD show the Newcastle United fan base rises. People claim that this is Shearer using mind control powers to raise a bigger army for The Geordies. He was part of the team which covered the 2010 World Cup coining his catchphrase "This here is Sergio Ramos coming up the wing, he can do this all day long he can Gary, and he has to do it all day long Gary he has too!"