Alan Moore

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Alan Moore, as depicted in a recent Ukrainian TV docudrama

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Alan Moore.

Alan Oswald Moore (discovered 18 November 1953, somewhere in England by Fleetway Publishing) is one of the world's top ranking 13th level wizards. He has also been known to write comics while recovering from stints of summoning vast rampaging hordes of absinthe-driven lesbians to do his bidding, and sometimes his laundry. Few know he is actually based on the Golden Age hero Alane Moor.

edit The Life and The Beard

Alan Moore was born "Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin" (or Grigori Yefimovich Novyh)(Russian: Григо́рий Ефи́мович Распу́тин / Григорий Ефимович Новых) on January 22 [O.S. January 10] 1869–December 29 [O.S. December 16] 1916), also known as "the Mad Monk", or the "Holy Devil", a Russian mystic, prophet, wild boy of Borneo, and graphic novelist who was highly influential in the later days of Russia's Romanov dynasty, playing an important role in the lives of Tsar Nicholas II, his wife the Tsaritsa Alexandra, and their only son the Tsarevich Alexei.

Alanmoore1

Alan Moore, about to summon an absinthe frenzied mob of lesbians, or more likely, curse another movie production with doom.

What is know of his early life must be gleaned from information passed down by family members. He was likely born a peasant and vessel of the Great Old One Hastur in the small village of Attabar Teru, an island in the Tura River in the Tobolsk guberniya (now Tyumen Oblast) in Siberia, hatched out of the egg of a hermaphrodite cocktrice by the Great God Pan. He was raised to be a "science-hero" in a high-gravity chamber and given an intensive education by his somewhat eccentric mad scientist father. His upbringing, plus ingesting a root used by the natives of the island for health and long life, have made him nearly physically and mentally perfect. Though born at the dawn of the 19th century, he only appears to be in his forties as of the year 2007.

The myths surrounding Alan Moore portray him as showing indications of supernatural powers throughout his childhood. One example of these powers was when he mysteriously identified the man who had stolen one of his father's horses. Moore had a knack for identifying thieves, and he assumed that everyone possessed this supernatural power, as he was at the time the host of the magical entity Promethea, who entered into him at the age of eighteen, when he had a reported vision of the Mother of God and came into contact with the banned Christian sect known as the khlysty (flagellants), whose impassioned sexual services ending in physical exhaustion. On his return, turned him toward the life of a religious mystic and wandering graphic novelist.

He became popular in the royal courts and was loved by the people until the tragic events of the First Cola War, which devastated much of Russia. The people were outraged, especially the Tzars' closest relatives.

However, he was a man dedicated to Russia, and by mid-1917 was working on a secret restorative spell in the Ukrainian swamps that could "make forests out of deserts". However, his mystical services where interrupted by a cabal including Count Len Wein of Kiev and his archenemy, the mysterious wizard of the Coast Grant Morrison, who wanted the formula. Splashed with burning chemicals in the massive fire, he ran into the river from the lab and fell into the waters of a muck-filled swamp. Some time later, a creature resembling a humanoid beard appeared.

This being was a humanoid mass of beard matter who fights to protect his swamp home of England, public housing, the environment in general, and humanity, from various supernatural threats, such as DC comics, Phantom of Krankor/Dan Didio, the Floronic Man, and the head of Adolf Hitler, who went on auto-referential journey to find out who he is, at what level he possesses a "humanity", what his capabilities are, and his place in the world and in nature.

This creature, soon calling himself Alan Moore, was at first thought to be the transformed Rasputin, and was called a "muck-encrusted mockery of a man". However, it was later discovered that he was an elemental entity, a "Beard God", created upon the death of Grigori Rasputin and who has Rasputin's memory and personality. Upon learning of this, Alam Moore entered into the Beard, a realm of pure beard.

edit Life in England

Rasputin-PD

Alan Moore, while writing Watchmen. If you are a movie producer this is the last thing you will see before you die

It first appeared in its new home of England in a dark cave within the center of Stonehenge, where a young child with a beard as long as his body was discovered by Winston Churchill (or Tharg to his closest friends) during one of his weekly Bojefferies vampire hunts. Churchill took the boy and raised him as his son, teaching him how to gain political power in the Parliament of Trees through Starcraft and lesbianism. It has been claimed, though never proven, that Churchill was killed by Moore's beard during an attempt to shave it off.

As a precaution, the beard was officially declared a hazardous area by parliament in 1973. Moore's wife, Priscilla P. Moore, was accidentally conjured during an eleven week long ceremony to extend his student loans. She now helps keep his magical bookshelf tidy, and injects heroin into his eyes when he is too weak to hold the needle himself. They currently live in a cave outside of Leeds, killing and eating those foolish enough to get too close. Moore's beard has been measured at 9.5' in length, and has been know to take on it's own speaking tours on medieval corsetry.

Moore is also known to possess ten magical Chinese rings the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen stole from the insidious Doctor Fu Manchu, wearing one each finger, in addition to a Green Lantern Corps ring, which grants him the ability to fly, creator force fields, boil water for tea without scalding the milk, decode secret messages from the Little Orphan Annie Radio Show, and do anything he wants based upon willpower.

Alan Moore was out of commission throughout the year 2000, as Galactic Warlord John Byrne had attached a wish-fulfilling Black Mercy plant to Moore as a "birthday present". Upon discovering the deception, Alan Moore tore the Black Mercy plant off, and placed it on John Byrne, who is currently living a fantasy world were he is God Emperor of America, Anne Coulter is his queen, Muslims live in concentration camps, and Christopher Reeves is mocked daily in the Ten Minute Hate.

He is also known to give out presents to Christian children on Christmas in his guise of Santa Claus and magical wooden shoes to pagan children on Walpurgis Night. He invented Kwanzaa. He had nothing to do with Hannukah but inspired the Orthodox Jewish beard. Rabbi Moses Maimonides spent much of his later life trying to capture Alan Moore's lucky beard. Maimonides later reincarnated in the form of Jewish-English graphic novelist and real novelist Neil Gaiman, Lord of Dreams and creator of Mr. Sandman, and rival and sometimes ally of Alan Moore.

Moore is involved in Anti-Homosexuality legislation, and has toured high schools across Britain and America promoting the gay and lesbian lifetype. By 2020, he will have converted all of American women into abortionist lesbian witches.

He recently trapped Grant Morrison in a dada-style mural of Paris. Morrison, however, has been effecting the real world by punch at the walls of his extradimensional prison, altering the timeline.

"Carlos Castenada"'s mentor Don Juan was actually Alan Moore, totally tripping out on the mescaline.

Rasputin

Alan Moore, 13 January 1916, totally tripping out on opium he smoked out of a movie producer's skull.

In 2003, tragedy struck, as Alan Moore's ouvoir was brutally raped and murdered by Hollywood. He has vowed revenge against Hollywood, and seeks to steal the element Cavorite in order to create a fleet of aerial bombers to use against the evil movie studios of the Sunderland Corporation.

Recently, Alan Moore has emerged from his cave, dressed as Guy Fawkes to fight against government public housing policies. Moore, a high ranking Freemason, began a campaign of violence against five MP's, brutally murdering them with the aid of a carriage driver called John Netley.

While he justifies the brutal murders by claiming they are a Masonic warning to an apparent Illuminati threat to public housing- the Illuminati were blamed, in some quarters, for the French Revolution - the killings are in actuality part of an elaborate mystical ritual to ensure that affordable and relatively safe public housing will be available for the next five thousand years; during this episode he was afforded a vision of Jah-Bul-On 5, a masonic deity. Apparently, it was this vision that prompted the later murders, and its accompanying masonic designs.

In 2001 Alan Moore discovered through the sacrament of LSD that all of his past lives were kept in an alternate reality known as the Morrissey. He learned of his previous lives, including John Moore, Richard Moore, of the anime Case Closed, Captain Britain (Charles Darwin), George Edward Moore, Pope Dudley Moore, Addison Webster Moore,anarchist John Moore, Carol Moore, Mandy Moore, Pink, Zephaniah Swift Moore, the Moors of Spain, the Moores of Scotland, and Merlin (Moorelin).

Due to the insight gained from his newly remembered role as England's Great Protector, the wizard Merlin, Moore can see the past, present, and future all at the same time, but only claims to be "a puppet who can see the strings". Some claim that, like some tales of Merlin's life, Alan Moore is indeed living his life backwards. Others say he is the Wandering Jew. Others say he is the sole survivor of the previous universe. Some say he is the last son of Krypton. These people are Welsh.

What is known, however, is that when the Stars are Right, the world will be plunged into eternal darkness, and the primordial Beard shall wall across the Earth in a sea of ash and bones, forever.

edit His Works

Lesbiankiss

Alan Moores summoned the first lesbians in 1955, his greatest creation to date.

Buoyed up by the success of his initial foray into cartooning with the creation of the three-panel newspaper strip format adventures of Judge Dredd for Smash Hits magazine in 1980, Moore was thrust into the world of mainstream comic book writing with DC Comics' Swamp Thing, a story about a little boy and his talking plant friend. The book became a cult hit, and its characters spawned the popular Keanu Reeves film, Johnny Mnemonic. Soon, Moore was writing 9/10ths of DC's 1980s library, including such hits as Watchmen reportedly in collaboration with a pack of rabid gibbons, which was inspired by his days as a teen coal miner and drugged-up mental patient. By 1992, he was driven into a cave by a mob of greasy teenagers. Since then, whole lines of books have been published under his name based on what few insane scribblings were found in his enchanted castle. Some say he may have worked previously in England, but no one in Hollywood cared, but instead may have been picked up by game designers as inspiration for the game Halo. Most recently, Alan Moore has been rumored to have committed suicide after a screening of the film version of V for Vendetta, largely due to Natalie Portman. Outraged at the death of his host, Alan Moore's beard has taken control of the shambling corpse and wanders the earth seeking vengance. He wrote about Yezidi (a thing that isn't a religion).

edit Watchmen

Even before Alan Moore was born, he was well known in the comic book industry. He first came to prominence with the publication of the serial penny dreadful Watchmen in 1886 through 1887. Watchmen told the prophetic tale of a cold war between Russia and America, in which Grover Cleveland held America in an eternally paranoid state while costumed vigilantes, or "cowboys", lived out violent, dysfunctional lives. One of the most popular heroes, Hypochondriac Man has since become a household name after his heroic and ironic life-saving feats and paranoid mumblings of "My leg hurts, do you think I have DVT?" The culmination of the series involved Ozzie and Hariet destroying much of Moscow and New York by dropping a telepathic tentacled Uri Geller in the centre of both cities. The series was greatly acclaimed, was collected in several hardback editions, which were never sold, only read in the store.

edit League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

This series of autobiographical works are a serialisation of Alan Moore's adventures in the early 20th century. It not well known that ALAN MOORE is in fact a mystical acronym for the six legendary figures known as the League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen who had agreed to grant aspects of themselves to a willing subject: the wisdom, hunting skills, and disturbing racist-colonialist overtones of Alan Quatermain of King Solomon's Mines fame; the courage, Dracula-resistence, and seven-inch neck of Mina Murry, the disturbing sexual connotations of Oedipus, the invisibility of the Invisible Man Hawley O. Griffin, the survivalist and shipwrecking power of Robinson Crusoe, and the stamina, speed, and strength of Mr. Edward Hyde. Unfortunately, all of these individuals turned him into a huge dick on the level of Superman. The latest instalment of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is called The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Bullcrap Dossier, and it's a bit corny. I liked the comic autobiography of a sex-changing Orlando Bloom.

edit Captain Marvel/Marvelman/Machoman/Marmalademan/Uterusman/Miracleman

Alan's solitary lifestyle was interrupted in August of 1984. While in his Leeds cave, dubbed "the Rock of Eternity" by the media, he was discovered by the young Billy Bateson. Sensing a good heart within him, instead of eating him, Moore granted him the beard powers of ALAN MOORE. When ever young Billy Bateson says the magical words ALAN MOORE, he is transformed into Captain Marvel/Miracleman, Alan Moore's Magical Champion in his eternal war againstMormons, who think Captain Marvel/Miracleman should be called "Shazam!", and who Alan Moore inadvertently created in his form of the Angel Mooreoni while one of his smack fueled trips through the "Methanphetamine Force", which also granted the totally-tweaking out powers of the Flash.

Ironically, due to the power of Moore having to be siphoned into Captain Marvel/Miracleman, he does not himself possess a beard. If you point this out to Alan Moore, he will devour your soul, or paralyze you, as he did to Batgirl.

In America, Captain Marvel/Miracleman is referred to as Señor Miracle due to threats of legal and hard unlubed fisting action against his person by the evil Marvel Brand Female Hygene Corporation. In Australia, he is referred to as Kaptain Kangaroo. No one knows why.

edit Lost Girls

In 2006 Melinda Gebbie photographed the famous girls from Lost in compromising poses at Alan Moore's orders for an auto-shop calendar. The results were so good the bearded wizard decided to marry the photographer, and they now live in an open relationship with the polar bear. The three-volume hardon edition of the book contains a five-page milk-carton gallery which includes the famous abducted children Isaac Newton, Evan Dorkin, and Erwin Rommel.

edit Rivals

edit Chuck Norris

Alan, and Chuck were schoolmates while both of them attended the "Dojo of the Shaven Dog". When Chuck won the coveted "Razor of Courage" at the Dojo's annual Competition Alan Swore revenge on his former coleague. They have met only once since the day of the competition. They attempted their order's death-combat rituals but they decided to leave it for another day upon hearing of the death of their mutual friend Steve Roger's.


edit Frank Miller

Frank Miller, super-pimp and fellow graphic novelist, and learned Alan Moore's secret of summoning lesbians and whores in 1987. Recently "The Goddamn" Miller and Moore have had a falling out, due to Moore's growing disenchantment with Humanity (the "loniest animal of them all"), and Miller's obsession with whores.

In early September 2007, Moore was forced to kill Miller in a climactic duel atop a church in Leeds. When asked why he killed the fellow comic book artist Moore only shrugged, saying, "I dunno, he probably had it coming. I need a drink". He then dashed off into the woods, clutching the pencil set he had stolen from Miller during the battle to his chest.

It was later revealed Moore had committed the deed as a mercy killing as Miller's body was being ravaged by a terrible case of MichaelJacksonitis, a progressive condition that causes the victim's mind to rapidly disintegrate into a deeper level of childishness, as they grow older. Miller'r family physician, Dr. Doctor gave a vivid account of Miller's condition; "The first sign was back when Frank was just out the womb. Most kids at his age are usually called geniuses when they have their first burp, but at just two hours old we caught little Frankie creating an exact copy of the Mona Lisa out of nothing but a purple crayon and his bed sheet. I was worried of course, but a few years later, I discovered he had created some of the most memorable and touching sagas in comic history, so all seemed fine. But 20 years and one All star Batman later things seemed somewhat grim. I can't really blame Alan for what he did after he got his hands on a Frank's latest work. I tried to stop him, but an image of a stick figure Batman with a machine gun dubbed "Captain Lucifer" cutting of Osama Bin Laden's Willie while yelling "In your face Poopeypants!" was just more than anyone should have to endure."

Miller was subsequently resurrected in 2010 by a cabal of foul-mouthed stereotypical whores, led by his namesake Mark Millar. His current whereabouts are unknown.

edit Stan Lee

Stan Lee came to be Alan's most embittered rival when in the 1980s Alan wrote all of the comic scripts in America. He brought new elements into to producing comics, for example such novel and exotic features as storylines, character development, plots and sub-plots, and consequences. No longer could comic writers rely on the "Marvel Method", aka drawing a bunch of frames and pulling them out of a hat.

Lee, irked by this abandonment of his sacred rituals, also objected to Moore and Frank "Goddamn" Miller throwing in Wingdings like there was no tomorrow, and even the occasional rape. However, the fanboys lapped up this big pseudo intellectual package designed to bash the very medium they were written in. Many scholars believe it gave them something to blame for all their dateless proms: THE COMICS DID IT!

With countless battles waged across the years, Moore and Lee faced each other for the last time in a duel of magic atop a church in Dorset. The battle was hard fought and lasted many days. When seemed as if Moore would triumph, Lee stole the patent for the name "Captain Marvel" from Moore's utility belt. Moore retreated to his cave under the Misty Mountains, soundly beaten by Lee wielding the rolled-up script for the Watchmen adaptation.

edit Beliefs

Alan Moore is an ardent worshipper of Glycol since Alcoholics Anonymous convinced him that worshipping Ethanol was Evil. With his lesbian minions Alan Moore has been reviving this ancient pre-Christian Cult by performing sacred rites in vast tubs of blessed glycerol. Other religions are deeply concerned as worshipping Glycol is far to much fun and doesn't encourage tipping.

edit Appearence in the Real World

John Constantine has claimed to have met Alan Moore on one occasion. The following is from an article out of a 1970s Wizard Magazine

“I swear I was just sitting in this coffee shop drinking my sanka and in walks Alan Moore, I swear he looked just like Gandalf, no in fact he didn't even look like Gandalf, he looked just as Alan Moore should look, and he just looked at me and smiled and walked round the corner and sat down at a table. I wondered if I should go over or just leave, in the end I just decided to leave. What? I'm just telling you what I saw, that's all”
~ John Constantine on meeting his creation in a Coffee Shop in Soho

edit Bibliography

edit External links

Notable Beards in History
...and other hairy features of merit
Alan Moore - Chuck Norris- Adolf Hitler - Stan Lee - Rasputin - Moses - Charles Darwin - ZZ Top - Jesus - Blackbeard - Bluebeard - Brian Blessed - Gandalf
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