Fear not! While this article may look pretty rough right now, you can bet those boys and girls at Imperial Colonization are gonna have this article in ship-shape soon.
|Date of birth||6/6/60|
|Place of birth||Hell (Where he learned all about warming)|
|Date of death||Still alive|
|Place of death||Over there|
|First Lady||"The Tipper" Gore|
|Vice President||I forget|
|Term of office||November 2nd 2000–November 5th 2000|
|Preceded by||The Douche|
|Succeeded by||Emperor Bush|
|Political party||Sore Losers|
“HAHAHAHAHAHA, I can't believe they actually bought this!”
“Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore. He won the Nobel Peace Prize. ... And he did it without a single vote from Florida.”
Al "Al" Gore also known as "The Shadow", (the last name derived from the French word Gorre which means to lose at everything you do, in other words to be a chronic loser), was once just a spirit trapped within a silver lockbox. But he was released by Apple Computer Corporations in the year 1975. They tamed his blood thirsty spirit with the United States gold (which is why we now have nothing backing our money today). He is one of the founding members of the Biggest All Time National Losers Council, and also is a founding father of the free masons. He's the most famous "aspie" of them all.
Al Gore is also an alias to Dustin Brown: Dustin Brown(formally known as Alonzo Reviera Valasques) is ‘the man who used to be the next President of the United States of America’. Also a famous stand up comedian, performing all day, everyday, he educated the masses on the dangers of Manbearpig (sometimes referred to as Global Warming because, like Manbearpig, ‘doesn't care who you are or what you've done. [Global Warming] simply wants to get you’). Today, he has retired to a simple life of world wide lectures, expensive lunches and dinners and Banana Phone growing.
It was predicted by Nostradomus that on October 12, 2010, Al Gore will win the Nobel Peace Prize for simultaneously ending the war in Iraq and cooling the earth to -22.4 degrees Celsius with a single blast of liquid nitrogen stored within his robotic rectal cavity, known to scientists and Taco Bell patrons alike as "The Cheney." This supercooling of the earth will simultaneously kill 99% of all human beings and end the problem of global warming and overpopulation, which Gore had begun in 1856, prior to wedding Roger Federer, who was not yet born. But we digress.
Al Gore ran for President with his frat buddy Joseph Lieberman after Lieberman offered him a big keg. They ran under the names Al Gory and Joe Bleederman. In other states, they ran as the Sore/Loserman ticket.
His 2000 presidential election as the presumptive republican nominee went to hell in a hand basket when he LOST his home state of Tennessee and losing the general election despite getting more popular votes than his closest competitor, Pat Buchanan. Thus, he had to enroll into a mental institution financed by a gay Moldavian prostitution ring. Al Gore is now pursuing a project in which he can gain a back door to political power by starting his own new weather control cult and at the same time, making it the state religion of the United States.
The Wild Years (1967-1985)
Many marine biologists who chronicle the life of Al Gore consider these years to be the most mundane years of Al Gore's life. In 1970, Al Gore started a rock band called Kansas. The band became famous after Al Gore bit the head off a wax model of Oscar Wilde during a show in Albuquerque. The ensuing bloodbath became known as the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.
Shortly thereafter, he impregnated himself by becoming iron man and communing with nature in the infamous Hollywood hit, On Stagnant Pond.
On his birthday, Al Gore would choose 666 lucky children to be thrown into Hell. Al Gore has three monster trucks. Al Gore Also Invented The Chicken Dildo in 2015.
Life Of Al Gore
Used to be an ape and loved to eat bananas. In fact, his original name was Alberto Gorilla but he decided to change it after too much controversy, and an infamous groping incident. After being defeated by famous monkey gunslinger George W. Bush in a gun battle in Apeland's capital, Florida, Al Gore slunk off to grow a beard and join the Taliban, and later became their leader. He is rumoured to be the infamous 20th hijacker in the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center as a means of getting back at his nemesis. Unfortunately, Mr. Gore missed his airplane, as the canoe he was paddling to the airport wouldn't go anywhere. It was later found that this was because he was paddling backwards. Al Gore now resides at Larsen B Ice shelf (Antarctica) where he sometimes huffs kittens and smokes deer scat while listening to his favourite band, Nirvana, to pass the time. In the year 21 AD, Al Gore befriended Jesus Christ and together they created the Academy Award winning picture Harold and Kumar go to White Castle that launched the career of world-famous starlet Mickey Rooney and the infamous sex slave, Mario. For a short time, Al Gore was thought to have been directly involved in the Kennedy assassinations of both John, and his brother, Pac-Man. Recent evidence, however, attributes the murders to Man Bear Pig. Unfortunately, their brother Teddy escaped MBP's wrath. Having become a loser in politics (his 2000 presidential election went to hell in a hand basket when he LOST in Florida) Al Gore is now pursuing a project in which he can gain a back door to political power by startino one gives a shit ng his own new weather control cult and at the same time, making it the state religion of the United States. Al Gore was recently nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for his effort to negotiate peace between human and the bird mutants of planet Iwilllickyourface101.Anonymous-Asshattery Paradigm, which revolutionized how the world looks at the internet. If you look closely at Al Gore you will notice that he is actually a very badly carved lolly stick. The ASCII value of Al Gore's name adds up to 666, therefore he is the anti-Christ. Jesus' name also adds up to 666(coincidence? i think not, the bible made up this name as a symbol) In this we see that since Al Gore had connection to Satan and other evil incarnations.
In 2006, Al Gore visited the Middle East conference in Saudi Arabia, and gave a speech at how the USA was responsible for the Crusades and other stuff the Muslim Terrorists accuse the USA of anyway. The host thanked Al Gore for his speech, but said it was really a conference on the future of oil in the Middle East and that they wanted peace with the USA. This stirred up a lot of trouble, and riots broke out. Before you knew it, War broke out when Iran went to war with the USA based on what Al Gore said in his speech. After that other nations like Finland and Sweden started the war, which made the War on Terra last even longer, and led to World War III. Al Gore was later quoted as saying "Oops, wrong speech. I meant to use that one at the 2008 Democratic Convention." George W. Bush was quoted as saying "You are doing one hell of a job, Albert! You just helped me renew the Patriot Act, and approve my new $11 Dollar military budget."
In 2007, Al Gore is credited with invented global warming. What Al Gore actually was doing was looking for to raise money for Global Worming - but when the hippies and other unwashed people started throwing money at him, he figured Global Warming was a better excuse.
Al Gore is often considered the forty-second president because he was considered president for forty seconds. Gore once dated Rosie O'Donnell, and Rosie claims that experience lead her to become a lesbian. Gore is also a habitual Muffgasmer, being forced into rehabilitation he has yet to kick the habit after 15 years.
Gore is married to punk-hating censorship diva Tipper Gore. They met during her 1984 campaign to ban all forms of entertainment, she was, in fact, the primary script editor for Gore's documentary An Inconvenient Truth, which she would later describe as her grand masterpiece of 'anti-entertainment' a film specifically designed to be so dull and so bowel shatteringly condescending that it would drive millions away from entertainment, happiness and parties and into the self-loathing arms of fundamentalist religion. It has never been adequately explained why Mrs Gore's parents saw fit to name a human child 'Tipper' and most have concluded that it must be "an American thing".
What He Has Done to Stop Global Warming
Al Gore is "concerned" about the environment. To help fix this, he makes movies, invented the internet, and publicly boycotts KFC. "I don't give a fuck" Al Gore. He also holds his breath once an hour to stop breathing out carbon dioxide, which he has estimated will lower the earth's mean temperature by 1 degree (which we know is Bullshit).
Al Gore maintains an Olympic-size outdoor swimming pool at his Tennessee home, heated to 98 degrees throughout the winter, (all powered on whale blubber and the bodies of dead Israelis of course) where dedicated activists can rest and relax before going out to fight Global Warming. Any persons wishing to visit him will have no trouble finding his house by simply looking for the 90-foot wide neon sign outside powered by fossil fuels. Gore also offers a tour of his property, where you can see his house. In order to prevent using oil and contributing to global warming, the interior of Gore's house is fueled entirely by nuclear energy. At the end of the tour, he treats his guests to the dinner of a lifetime: Organic steaks cooked over an open flame on his grass-fueled grill. In accordance with his commitment to a carbon-neutral lifestyle, he denies that he is a carbon-based lifeform.To show he is "acting locally, thinking globally", Al Gore began buying "carbon off-sets" to make up for having a $11 a month electrical bill. The company he buys the "carbon off-sets" from, then tries real hard to do something "green" with some of the money. Then it sends its partners a big fat check from those paying for the service.
In an effort to spread the bad news of global warming, Al Gore released this video, along with several cubic miles of Oprah produced greenhouse methane gas. For all practical purposes, the situation would not be any different if he was President, but the world would have less popes and therefore more money.
Since Mr. Gore knows that cows and all grazing animals release methane (a greenhouse gas) through their farts, burps and shit, Al has become a vegan. Since then, Al's weight has blossomed, and he now loses weight (or tries to) by drinking water instead of milk, and eating tofu and brussel sprouts instead of tasty steak.
What he has done to stop global warming pt. 2
- He has a hybrid car he drives on weekends sometimes...actually every day in the new year!
- Instead of using toilet paper, he uses a special water spraying anus blaster. He invented it himself, though the Patent Office has yet to allow for him to license it due to its chafing tendencies.
- He has bought stock in carbon offset companies, to the extent that he is a major shareholder, and stands to make a wealthy profit from others who purchase carbon offsets. Unfortunately for him, in the major stock market crash of 08, this stock lost most of its value and is now worth nearly nothing.
It is unknown to many that if Al Gore was to shut his mouth for 1 hour 1000 million tons of carbon would not be released into the atmosphere.
Apology for false information on Global Warming
Al Gore has since written a letter to the President saying global warming was wrong.
I admit that I was completely wrong about the environmental issues stated in my recent film; An Inconvenient Truth. I have been recently informed of the many flaws associated with the film by scientist from NASA. It is no longer a trustworthy source of information and saying this, global warming is no longer an inconvenient truth.
The Film shows a graph which portrays the rise of temperature connected with the increase of CO2 levels in the atmosphere. It has also been proven that the images of Mt. Kilimanjaro, numerous glaciers and lakes taken from between the 1930s and 2006 which shows them in their former states of having ice around the peaks and a scarce amount of ice on the glaciers are not melting from the theory of global warming.
However, having said this, the increase in the temperature over the years has been traced to a single cause and there is a simple solution to this new problem.
The increase in temperature has been singled out to be from plastic water bottles. It is an unknown fact until now after weeks of experiments that plastic water bottles give off an unknown type of radiation that results from the manufacture of it and converts the Carbon-15 atoms (that were previously undiscovered until the testing) into a source of energy known as intergalactic-ultraviolet-chloroformatic-spacreticvasent. Now this energy has the potential to split ultraviolet light into three separate beams of light – neurofetic, asphesic and quagmastic. These three beams are then absorbed by the ground. After about 3-6 hours in the ground they pick up a chemical compound known as deprovatine-uraflaxin; this is then beamed back out towards space where it clashes all level of the atmosphere making a small hole about 6.24237mm in size. Although this doesn’t sound like much but when you consider how many plastic water bottles around the world – about 348 billion, it all adds up to a big problem.
Now there is a very simple way to stop this problem, we have started by banning the manufacture of the plastic water bottles in the US. But for every one at home, all you have to do is burn all your water bottles. This will stop the problem and as there is no such thing as global warming, the smoke produced will not affect the environment.
Former Environmental campaigner
Al Gore in the Future
Al Gore's future biography will closely follow that of Earth itself. In 2097, after a lengthy bout with (and successful recovery from) old age, Al Gore will start a religion based on Scientology, neo-paganism, Islam, a kooky version of environmentalism, and vegetarianism. It will be called Gaiaism and its followers will be inducted into the church by repeating the following prayer three times out loud while facing each in succession: Soviet Russia, Stonehenge, Eurabia, and the Amazon Rain Forest. (Each new Gaiaismist chooses which holy site to pray towards first):
"There is but one Gaia and Al Gore is her prophet."
Gaiaism will quickly grow, spreading across the solar system, except Mars. There will be Gaiaismist chapters started in all major public universities, movie studios, A.N.S.W.E.R. cell workshops, Red Squares, and the Politburo which will replace all of the governments in each country on Earth.
However, the story will not stop there. In 2102, a war will be beginning between a melding of minds between Brian Setzer's Orchestra and the spontaneous consciousness which was mysteriously created from the space wreckage of another war which started in 2101 and a small resistance group of Global Warming skeptics known as "The Scientists". This new feline cognitive dissonance disorder, when spread by the Gaiaismist feces bomb of December 07, 2116, will cause what will be called "Stray Cat Strut Disorder" and will involve the liberal use of saxophones to quell the use of scientific evidence regarding Carbon Dioxide.
Many futurists believe that the war between the Gaiaismists and the The Scientists will only be resolved after William Shatner gets involved.
Eventually became President in the 2120 election, however it was discovered subsequently he had been long since dead, no one had noticed during the campaign.
Future Killing Spree(s)
The Prophets predicted that Al Gore, in a fit of rage, will go on a series of killing sprees cultivating in his own suicide. Records hold that well over 4 million will be killed and none injured. The Al Gore Tapes(Registered Trademark) that arrived on the desk of one Dave Mustaine stated the reason behind the killing spree will be the lack of promotion for his next straight to blu-ray film "An Inconvenient Goof" starring Al Gore and Walt Disney's character Goofy.
Things invented by Al Gore
- Bill O'Reilly
- Global Warming (its caused by his hot air)
- Helicopter ejector seat
- Soda Stream
- The Cat
- George W Bush
- Wacky Racers
- The female orgasm
- The wrist watch
- The Uppercut (a punch in fighting sports)
- First Aid Kit
- The Internet (or thats what he want us to think)
- Suicide hotline on hold music.
- The Clitoris
For more, see Category:Things Al Gore invented.
- Florida Wars Episode VI (TBA)
- Florida Wars Episode V (TBA)
- Florida Wars Episode IV- Hope for Gore (2010)
- Florida Wars Episode III- Revenge of the Democrats (2007)
- Florida Wars Episode II- Attack of the Republicans (2004)
- Florida Wars (2002)
- How to cook the Earth in 69 way (2009, 2011 for Republicans).
- An Inconvienient Waistline (2006)
- The Adventures of Pluto Nash (21)
- Gore Gone Wild (1697)
- Recount Dracula (1931)
- Forrest Gore (1994)
- There Will Be Warmth (2000)
- Something About My Kinda-Southern Accent (2002)
- Beetle Gore (1989)
- Gorefield (1999)
- Gorezilla vs. The Sun (1968)
- My Left Foot (1995)
- Gore Fiction (1998)
- The Ghost of the Son of the Bride of the Son of Recount Dracula (1998)
- How the Gorinch Almost Stole America (2000)
- Recount Dracula Gets Brutally Stabbed By A Rusty Butterknife (2001) (TV)
- The Inconvenient Truth About Chicken Little (which refers to me) (2006)
- For A Few Dollars Al-Gore (1965)
- Al-Gore American Graffiti (1979)
- My Big, Fat, Geek Waddling Ass (2004)
- Million Dollar Al-Gore (2004)
- Once Upon A Time In the White House (1980)
- Al Gores on a Plane (2006)
- Al Gore and Fidel's Big, Long-winded, Boring, Public-Speaking Adventure (2005)
- Al Gore And The Ridiculously Long, Boring, Communist, 27- Hour "Speech" (2006)
- The Manbearpig Chronicles
- Yoga Booty Ballot (2006)
- The Creation of Global Warming(2000)
- The Passion of Al Gore(2004)
- Ocean's Evaporate(2001)
- West Side Allegory (1975)
- Dr. Strangegore or How I Learned To Stop Bitching and Just Accept The Heat
- Becoming Supreme Overlord of Earth For Dummies(2008)
- "Girls Gone Wild - Volume IV"(2009)
- Prom Night with Al Gore (NEVER)
- Super Cereal: MBP Edition (2007)
- The Fantastic Gore (1812)
- The Last Movie Ever Made (2015)
- An Inconvenient Truth
- Someone who goes on and on about something that nobody cares about
- The same guy as above
- Fuck my life
- List of people who have erased their White House emails to avoid prosecution