Akira Kurosawa

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Akira "Boston Strangler" Kurosawa (Japanese: 黒澤アキラ) was a famous Japanese director, producer, and screenwriter. His films are notable for their incredible, painstaking cinematography, as well as their complete lack of nudity, explosions, and computer generated samurai robots with super powers.

Biography

Akira Kurosawa

The famous director does a great Stevie Wonder impression.

Born in the aftermath of World War II, Kurosawa had to live the first five years of his life with his bottom half stuck inside his mom, because he needed a special form to get out. This gave him a disturbing and unique perspective on life which he would revisit in his later films, "The Tight Pink Room" and "Chock Ful'O'Hallucinations."

On Kurosawa's sixth birthday, his mother bribed a government official with a collection of rare Pokémon cards, and Akira was allowed to finally leave the womb. The same government official took the young prodigy under his wing and collaborated with the youthful Kurosawa on the production of several nationalistic films, including "Amelican Men Can't Judo Kick" and "Japan Super Awesome Number One Fun Time Cheerful Radio Pie." Kurosawa colored the sets himself with crayons. These early films were well received in Japan, but bombed elsewhere.

Disappointed in Kurosawa's performance as a director, the government official severed ties with him by beating him over the head with a large yam. Kurosawa fell into a coma for eight years due to massive head trauma. When he came to, he had an undeniable urge to create epics celebrating gross poverty, creepy women, atomic warfare, and the many, many ways in which samurai can kill each other.

Directorial Approach

Kurosawa quickly gained a reputation for being a dictatorial director. By the time he was sixteen, he had killed a leading lady for failing to shave her eyebrows and given the entire Kumamoto prefecture an itchy, red rash.

A stickler for realism and authenticity, Kurosawa infected all the extras playing peasants in his films with Black Death by rubbing rats on their bodies. When the extras protested, he had them executed and hired new extras, who he subsequently infected with Black Death. Several of Kurosawa's actors tried to kill him over the course of filming, but they were unsuccessful. Kurosawa claimed these repeated assassination attempts "tickled."

Kurosawa was seen once or twice in the presence of legendary samurai warrior Toshiro Mifune. The exact nature of their relationship remains ambiguous.

Filmography

  • Rashōmon - a story of rape, plunder, migraines and butt naked men. Prepare yourself for the Gate of Eternal Migraine.
  • Ran – A man runs around Japan with a samurai sword. And screams.
  • Capturing the Friedmans – Jewish tourists in Japan are held hostage in the palace of a dead noblewoman and forced to rub rats on their bodies.
  • 'xXx – An adventure in samurai porn, includes no sex whatsoever
  • The Tight Pink Room – autobiographical
  • Akira – not autobiographical at all
  • I'll Do Anyone, Except You – autobiographical
  • Agent 69 Jensen – I skorpionens tegn :in collaboration with Ingmar Bergman. This is a porno film starring Ingmar Bergman's daughter, and includes no sex whatsoever
  • Cum Fiesta IV – Kurosawa represents bukkake with white flowers and grated parmesan cheese. Features a moving and artful Mexican Hat Dance that lasts for 42 minutes.
  • The Greatest Story Ever Told (1967)
  • The Seven Samurai (Remake) (1954)
  • The Last Samurai
  • The Last Samurai 2: Son of the Last Samurai
  • The Last Samurai 3: Really this Time
  • The Last Samurai goes to Hawaii
  • Chock Ful'O'Hallucinations – with Martin Scorsese as himself
  • Dreams 2: WTF - special guest star Larry The Cable Guy
  • Ikiru After being screwed over, a man yells "Ikiru!" This begins a race of life and death. Will the screwed over man kill the other man?!

Akira Kurosawa in popular culture

File:Akira kurosawa.jpg

Akira Kurosawa was once believed to be the sole-creator of the film Seven Samurai. Put bluntly, this is bullshit. The post-war Japan didn't have time for fancy actors and their thespian ways (or Lesbian ways, as an idiot trying to be funny might call them) and so this is proof that not only did he not make the film, he blatantly had issues with lesbians. Spike Lee called him a racist for this, although they soon made up when Lee found out Kurosawa wasn't white. Stray Dog, by contrast, was directed by Kurosawa. But what does this have to say about him? Not only was there no stray dog, there was no dog whatsoever. Not even a hot dog (see Trivia, below).

Pissed off, Steven Spielberg, inventor of film and president of the Board of Celluloid, called Kurosawa in to his office. A long story cut short, Kurosawa left the office with his tail between his legs. This is not simply a statement used to emphasize a point; Japanese men at the time were famous for their tails.

For his next film, he chose to pick a story and work on it. At first he considered Shakespeare, but The Bard threatened to "Shove the sun flaked film case somewhere very distant from the morning's raize," so Kurosawa backed down. Instead, he wanted to do Macbeth, a play that in no way was written by Shakespeare (to Shakespeare's knowledge, but he does remember one morning after a bit of a bender waking to find ink blotches on the sheets and much writers ache to be had, but at the time he put this down to bizarre sexual innuendo from John Lennon, who was staying at the time). He would call the film Throne Of Blood, something he had titled a public toilet after an unfortunate incident involving a case of sake and general lack of bladder control.

The film was a critical success. Oscar Wilde called it the best film by Kurosawa since Stray Dog. Kurosawa called it the best film of his generation. Spielberg called it a film that could have done with more aliens and less talking.

Shakespeare mentioned he had strange visions of John Lennon while watching the film. Kurosawa blames the drugs.

Trivia

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Akira Kurosawa.
  • Akira Kurosawa was part of the original Metroid development team.
  • Akira Kurosawa lived for 12 weeks on a strict diet of hot dogs, buttermilk and raisins. He then spent 32 days on a penicilin intravenous drip.
  • Akira Kurosawa was a working-class imperialist with a heart of gold and left wing sensibilities. Were these modifers just used for a pathetic attempt at humour? Akira Kurosawa says 'Yes.'
  • Akira Kurosawa had a volital sexual relationship with John Ford from 1958-72.
  • Akira Kurosawa is the founder of Sony, though he was forced out when it was discovered he had designed a personal CD player that would last for longer than 6 months, contrary to company policy.
  • Akira Kurosawa invented the sub-sub-sub-compact car, which gets 387 miles per gallon but only holds 5 clowns at a time.
  • Akira Kurosawa was impregnated by Godzilla and gave birth to Hayao Miyazaki in a WalMart.
  • Akira (The Anime Film) is the State Anime of new york


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