Akira Kurosawa

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'''Akira "Boston Strangler" Kurosawa''' ([[Japanese]]: 黒澤アキラ) was a famous [[Japanese]] director, producer, and screenwriter. His films are notable for their incredible,
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[[Image:AkiraKurosawa.jpg|thumb|200px|left|Great film maker Akira Kurosawa!]]
painstaking cinematography, as well as their complete lack of nudity, [[Explosion|explosions]], and computer generated [[Samurai|samurai]] [[Robot|robots]] with super powers.
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Mmgh…nice day.
   
== Biography==
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''It is indeed.''
[[Image:Akira_Kurosawa.jpg|thumb|left|200px|The famous director does a great [[Stevie Wonder]] impression.]]
 
Born in the aftermath of World War II, Kurosawa had to live the first five years of his life with his bottom half stuck inside [[Yoko Ono|his mom]], because he needed a special form to get out. This gave him a disturbing and unique perspective on life which he would revisit in his later films, "The Tight Pink Room" and "Chock Ful'O'Hallucinations."
 
   
On Kurosawa's sixth birthday, his mother bribed a government official with a collection of rare [[Pokémon]] cards, and Akira was allowed to finally leave the womb. The same government official took the young prodigy under his wing and collaborated with the youthful Kurosawa on the production of several nationalistic films, including "Amelican Men Can't Judo Kick" and "Japan Super Awesome Number One Fun Time Cheerful Radio [[Pie]]." Kurosawa colored the sets himself with crayons. These early films were well received in Japan, but bombed elsewhere.
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Mmgh…
   
Disappointed in Kurosawa's performance as a director, the government official severed ties with him by beating him over the head with a large yam. Kurosawa fell into a coma for eight years due to massive head trauma. When he came to, he had an undeniable urge to create epics celebrating gross poverty, creepy women, atomic warfare, and the many, many ways in which samurai can kill each other.
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==Directorial Approach==
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'''Akira Kurosawa!'''
   
Kurosawa quickly gained a reputation for being a dictatorial director. By the time he was sixteen, he had killed a leading lady for failing to shave her eyebrows and given the entire Kumamoto prefecture an itchy, red rash.
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''What!?''
   
A stickler for realism and authenticity, Kurosawa infected all the extras playing peasants in his films with [[Black Death]] by rubbing rats on their bodies. When the extras protested, he had them executed and hired new extras, who he subsequently infected with Black Death. Several of Kurosawa's actors tried to kill him over the course of filming, but they were unsuccessful. Kurosawa claimed these repeated assassination attempts "tickled."
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'''Akira Kurosawa'''! He was a [[Japan|Japanese]] film maker! His career spanned many decades, in which he made thirty-two films! He is highly regarded still today, and has influenced [[Steven Spielberg|Steven Spielberg-san]], [[Martin Scorsese|Martin Scorsese-san]], [[The Godfather|Francis Ford Coppola-san]], Sergio Leone-san, and [[George Lucas|George Lucas-san]], who is awful! Hai!
   
Kurosawa was seen once or twice in the presence of legendary samurai warrior [[Toshiro Mifune]]. The exact nature of their relationship remains ambiguous.
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''…Sho…''
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  +
Mmgh…
  +
  +
...
  +
  +
I think we should discuss the work of this great man, because he is still influential and relevant today! Do you not agree?
  +
  +
''Yes, I agree with your idea, and believe we should pursue it!''
  +
  +
''Hai!''
  +
  +
''Hai!''
  +
  +
==Early Life==
  +
Akira Kurosawa was born in a suburb of Tokyo. He had many siblings, all of whom were much less great than he! Hah!
  +
  +
He entered school for film-making in his twenties, at Toho Studios. They are responsible for the ''[[Godzilla|Gojira]]'' films, among other things.
  +
  +
''Gojira!?''
  +
  +
'''Gojira!?'''
  +
  +
'''Agghhh! Gojira!'''
  +
  +
To this today, Toho remains one of Japan's largest and most powerful motion picture studios!
  +
  +
==Film Career==
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[[Image:AKMmgh.jpg|thumb|350px|right|“Mmgh…”]]
  +
Akira Kurosawa had a most illustrious directorial career. He had a very specific way of making films, which is what made him so great! Much better than Yasujirō Ozu, who is fucking boring! Hai!
  +
  +
===Use of Telephoto Lens===
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Kurosawa would often use a device called a “telephoto lens.” It is different from a normal lens in that it makes the image look flat, like the [[breasts]] of many Japanese [[women]]! Kurosawa used this lens because he was also a painter, which he was great at, but not as great as he was as a director! Because he was a great director, and also a great painter, he thought that the lens made his films look more like paintings! Akira Kurosawa is great! So much better than Yasujirō Ozu!
  +
  +
===Use of Weather Motifs===
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Kurosawa-san would use the [[weather]] to heighten the mood of a scene. For instance, the film Seven Samurai ends with a dramatic final battle. However, Kurosawa makes the scene more dramatic by making it happen in [[rain]]! [[Rain]] is dramatic! Also, [[snow]] is sad!
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===Use of Wipe Edits===
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Akira Kurosawa would make use of something call a “wipe edit.” One scene would “wipe” to another one, in a manner that is reminiscent of [[Japan|our country’s]] flimsy paper doors! Later, [[George Lucas]] would steal this same technique and use it in [[Star Wars (Japanese Opera)|Star Wars]]! Also, [[Star Wars]] is a rip-off of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hidden_Fortress The Hidden Fortress]. [[George Lucas]] sucks balls! Hai!
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===Casting of Takashi Shimura===
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Akira Kurosawa would often cast [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Takashi_Shimura Takashi Shimura] in his films. Shimura acted in twenty of Kurosawa-san’s films, most notably in [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ikiru Ikiru] and [[Seven Samurai]]. Shimura-san was to acting as Kurosawa-san was to directing, and both were very great indeed!
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Mmgh…
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===Casting of Toshiro Mifune===
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[[Image:AKToshiro.jpg|thumb|200px|right|Toshiro Mifune is the greatest of all those who act!]]
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Kurosawa would also cast [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toshiro_Mifune Toshiro Mifune] often—most notably in the role of a samurai or ronin. Mifune starred in fifteen of Kurosawa’s films, and is often considered the best actor Kurosawa worked with.
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''I protest, I prefer Takashi Shimura!''
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''Bakada!'' Absurd! Mifune was superior!
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  +
''No! Shimura’s ability to portray sentimental characters gives him the edge!''
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  +
Ridiculous! I challenge you to a duel!
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<br>
  +
<br>
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''Hah! Hmmm…WAH! Grrrrgh! Sho! Takashi Shimura! Grraghaghagh! Huaaaagh!''
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<br>
  +
<br>
  +
''shing!''
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<br>
  +
<br>
  +
No! Stop! This duel is very foolish!
  +
  +
''I agree!''
  +
  +
Let us stop and amend!
  +
  +
''Indeed!''
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...
  +
..
  +
.
  +
Mmgh…
   
 
==Filmography==
 
==Filmography==
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[[Image:AKRashomon.jpg|thumb|250px|right|Toshiro Mifune looks angry! And also he looks confused! ''Hai!'']]
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Many film directors make only one or two masterpieces, or none at all! This is because they suck very hard! Kurosawa, however, made twelve masterpieces! Behold!
  +
  +
===Rashomon===
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''[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rashomon_(film) Rashomon]'' features Takashi Shimura as a poor peasant and Toshiro Mifune as a bandit. The film deals with accounts of a [[crime]] that vary wildly, probably because no one was paying attention. There are many scenes of people looking either [[angry]] or confused.
  +
  +
===Ikiru===
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A middle-aged Takashi Shimura plays [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ikiru an aging desk clerk] who looks for new meaning when he learns he has stomach cancer. He stalks a young [[woman]], and then tries to build a playground, and then dies. Afterward, all of his friends forget him!
   
*''[[Rashōmon]]'' - a story of rape, plunder, migraines and butt naked men. Prepare yourself for the '''Gate of Eternal Migraine'''.
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===Seven Samurai===
* ''Ran'' A man runs around Japan with a samurai sword. And screams.
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[[Image:AKSS.jpg|thumb|200px|left|The six minute intermission in ''Seven Samurai'' is most exciting! Hoo-oo!]]
* ''Capturing the Friedmans'' Jewish tourists in Japan are held hostage in the palace of a dead noblewoman and forced to rub rats on their bodies.
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''[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_Samurai Seven Samurai]'' stars Takashi Shimura as a samurai, and Toshiro Mifune as a bum who pretends to be a samurai with a girl’s name. There are also five other characters who are completely inconsequential. They defend a village, and are paid for their services in rice. This takes three-and-a-half hours! Also, there is a dramatic final battle in the [[rain]]. [[Rain]]!
* 'xXx'' – An adventure in samurai porn, includes no [[sex]] whatsoever
 
* ''The Tight Pink Room'' – autobiographical
 
* ''[[Akira]]'' – not autobiographical at all
 
* ''I'll Do Anyone, Except You'' – autobiographical
 
* ''Agent 69 Jensen'' – I skorpionens tegn :in collaboration with [[Ingmar Bergman]]. This is a porno film starring Ingmar Bergman's daughter, and includes no sex whatsoever
 
* ''Cum Fiesta IV'' – Kurosawa represents [[Bukkake|bukkake]] with white flowers and grated parmesan [[Cheese|cheese]]. Features a moving and artful Mexican Hat Dance that lasts for [[42]] minutes.
 
* ''[[The Greatest Story Ever Told]]'' (1967)
 
* ''[[The Seven Samurai]]'' (Remake) (1954)
 
* ''[[The Last Samurai]]''
 
* ''The Last Samurai 2: Son of the Last Samurai''
 
* ''The Last Samurai 3: Really this Time''
 
* ''The Last Samurai goes to Hawaii''
 
* ''Chock Ful'O'Hallucinations'' – with [[Martin Scorsese]] as himself
 
* ''Dreams 2: WTF'' - special guest star [[Larry The Cable Guy]]
 
* ''[[Ikiru]]'' After being screwed over, a man yells "Ikiru!" This begins a race of life and death. Will the screwed over man kill the other man?!
 
   
== Akira Kurosawa in popular culture ==
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===Throne of Blood===
[[Image:Akira_kurosawa.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Kurosawa, appearing at the debut screening of his film ''[[Akira]]''.]]
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The English version of [[Macbeth]] wasn’t good enough, so Kurosawa-san made a [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Throne_Of_Blood Japanese version]! It is much better, and features Toshiro Mifune as a [[samurai]] warlord who is shot to death with arrows.
Akira Kurosawa was once believed to be the sole-creator of the film [[Seven Samurai]]. Put bluntly, this is bullshit. The post-war Japan didn't have time for fancy actors and their thespian ways (or Lesbian ways, as an idiot trying to be funny might call them) and so this is proof that not only did he not make the film, he blatantly had issues with lesbians. [[Spike Lee]] called him a racist for this, although they soon made up when Lee found out Kurosawa wasn't [[White People|white]].
 
[[Stray Dog]], by contrast, was directed by Kurosawa. But what does this have to say about him? Not only was there no ''stray'' dog, there was '''no dog whatsoever'''. Not even a [[Hotdog|hot dog]] (see Trivia, below).
 
   
Pissed off, [[Steven Spielberg]], inventor of film and president of the Board of Celluloid, called Kurosawa in to his office. A long story cut short, Kurosawa left the office with his tail between his legs. This is not simply a statement used to emphasize a point; Japanese men at the time were famous for their tails.
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===The Hidden Fortress===
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''[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Wars_Episode_IV:_A_New_Hope The Hidden Fortress]'' stars Toshiro Mifune as Obi-wan Kinobi, and features other people of no consequence, for they are not as great. Two peasants—called C3PO and R2D2—find gold belonging to the disposed royal family of a conquered kingdom, and are therefore obligated to return them to the throne.
   
For his next film, he chose to pick a story and work on it. At first he considered [[Shakespeare]], but The Bard threatened to "Shove the sun flaked film case somewhere very distant from the morning's raize," so Kurosawa backed down. Instead, he wanted to do Macbeth, a play that in no way was written by Shakespeare (to Shakespeare's knowledge, but he does remember one morning after a bit of a bender waking to find ink blotches on the sheets and much writers ache to be had, but at the time he put this down to bizarre sexual innuendo from [[John Lennon]], who was staying at the time). He would call the film [[Throne Of Blood]], something he had titled a public toilet after an unfortunate incident involving a case of sake and general lack of bladder control.
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===Yojimbo===
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[[Image:AKYojimbo.jpg|thumb|400px|right|''Sanjuro'' just before he kills all his enemies!]]
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''[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yojimbo_(film) Yojimbo]'' stars the great Toshiro Mifune as a ronin samurai who comes to a [[village]]. He eventually kills most of the people in the village, and then leaves.
   
The film was a critical success. Oscar Wilde called it the best film by Kurosawa since Stray Dog. Kurosawa called it the best film of his generation. Spielberg called it a film that could have done with more aliens and less talking.
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===High and Low===
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''[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High_and_low High and Low]'' features Toshiro Mifune as a samurai—a business samurai, that is! ''Ahahahahaha!'' His son is kidnapped, which greatly interferes with his efforts of trying to take over the [[Shoe|National Shoe Company]].
   
Shakespeare mentioned he had strange visions of John Lennon while watching the film. Kurosawa blames the drugs.
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===Red Beard===
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Many people think ''[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Beard this film]'' is about a drunken Irishman—it is not. Instead, it stars Toshiro Mifune as a doctor who helps sick poor people. Kurosawa-san pans this out to over three hours. This is the last Kurosawa film to star Toshiro Mifune.
   
==Trivia==
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===Dersu Uzala===
{{wikipedia}}
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''[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dersu_Uzala_(1975_film) Dersu Uzala]'' was made in the Soviet Union, because Kurosawa had become too great for the nation of [[Japan]] to handle.
*Akira Kurosawa was part of the original [[Metroid]] development team.
 
   
*Akira Kurosawa lived for 12 weeks on a strict diet of [[Hotdog|hot dogs]], buttermilk and raisins. He then spent 32 days on a penicilin intravenous drip.
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===Kagemusha===
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''[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kagemusha Kagemusa]'' is a samurai movie, despite the fact it starts neither Toshiro Mifune nor Takashi Shimura. Takashi Shimura is actually in Kagemusha, but for very brief. The rest of the movie is unimportant.
   
*Akira Kurosawa was a [[working-class]] imperialist with a heart of gold and left wing sensibilities. Were these modifers just used for a pathetic attempt at humour? Akira Kurosawa says 'Yes.'
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===Ran===
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[[Image:AKRan.jpg|thumb|400px|right|“The peasants are presumptuous! Burn their villages!”]]
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Akira Kurosawa considered ''[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ran_(film) Ran]'' to be his best film. Because it is the greatest film by the greatest [[director]] ever, it is only logical that Ran is in fact the greatest film of all time!
   
*Akira Kurosawa had a volital sexual relationship with John Ford from 1958-72.
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''I disagree! I prefer Seven Samurai!''
   
*Akira Kurosawa is the founder of [[Sony]], though he was forced out when it was discovered he had designed a personal CD player that would last for longer than 6 months, contrary to company policy.
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What’s this!? ''Bakada!''
   
*Akira Kurosawa invented the sub-sub-sub-compact car, which gets 387 miles per gallon but only holds 5 clowns at a time.
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''No, it is you who are absurd! Let us duel once more!''
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<br>
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<br>
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''Wssssh-sha! Hooo! Grghhh! Wah-hah! Oo-oo-oo!''
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<br>
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<br>
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''swang!''
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<br>
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<br>
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Oh no! I have killed my best friend! I must commit seppuku in shame!
   
*Akira Kurosawa was impregnated by Godzilla and gave birth to [[Hayao Miyazaki]] in a WalMart.
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''Huagghhh!''
   
*Akira (The Anime Film) is the State Anime of new york
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===Dreams===
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Oh, also, [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dreams_(1990_film) Dreams] is pretty good. ''Huagghhh!''
   
{{Cleanup}}
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==See Also==
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* [[Seven Samurai]]
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* [[Humanism]]
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* [[Japan]]
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* [[Star Wars]]
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* [[Samurai]]
   
 
[[Category:People]]
 
[[Category:People]]
 
[[category:Movies]]
 
[[category:Movies]]
 
[[Category:Directors]]
 
[[Category:Directors]]
[[Category:Drug Smugglers]]
 
 
[[Category:Notable Anime People]]
 
[[Category:Notable Anime People]]
   

Revision as of 21:33, May 22, 2009

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Highly Confusing in Japan
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AkiraKurosawa

Great film maker Akira Kurosawa!

Mmgh…nice day.

It is indeed.

Mmgh…

Akira Kurosawa!

What!?

Akira Kurosawa! He was a Japanese film maker! His career spanned many decades, in which he made thirty-two films! He is highly regarded still today, and has influenced Steven Spielberg-san, Martin Scorsese-san, Francis Ford Coppola-san, Sergio Leone-san, and George Lucas-san, who is awful! Hai!

…Sho…

Mmgh…

...

I think we should discuss the work of this great man, because he is still influential and relevant today! Do you not agree?

Yes, I agree with your idea, and believe we should pursue it!

Hai!

Hai!

Early Life

Akira Kurosawa was born in a suburb of Tokyo. He had many siblings, all of whom were much less great than he! Hah!

He entered school for film-making in his twenties, at Toho Studios. They are responsible for the Gojira films, among other things.

Gojira!?

Gojira!?

Agghhh! Gojira!

To this today, Toho remains one of Japan's largest and most powerful motion picture studios!

Film Career

File:AKMmgh.jpg

Akira Kurosawa had a most illustrious directorial career. He had a very specific way of making films, which is what made him so great! Much better than Yasujirō Ozu, who is fucking boring! Hai!

Use of Telephoto Lens

Kurosawa would often use a device called a “telephoto lens.” It is different from a normal lens in that it makes the image look flat, like the breasts of many Japanese women! Kurosawa used this lens because he was also a painter, which he was great at, but not as great as he was as a director! Because he was a great director, and also a great painter, he thought that the lens made his films look more like paintings! Akira Kurosawa is great! So much better than Yasujirō Ozu!

Use of Weather Motifs

Kurosawa-san would use the weather to heighten the mood of a scene. For instance, the film Seven Samurai ends with a dramatic final battle. However, Kurosawa makes the scene more dramatic by making it happen in rain! Rain is dramatic! Also, snow is sad!

Use of Wipe Edits

Akira Kurosawa would make use of something call a “wipe edit.” One scene would “wipe” to another one, in a manner that is reminiscent of our country’s flimsy paper doors! Later, George Lucas would steal this same technique and use it in Star Wars! Also, Star Wars is a rip-off of The Hidden Fortress. George Lucas sucks balls! Hai!

Casting of Takashi Shimura

Akira Kurosawa would often cast Takashi Shimura in his films. Shimura acted in twenty of Kurosawa-san’s films, most notably in Ikiru and Seven Samurai. Shimura-san was to acting as Kurosawa-san was to directing, and both were very great indeed!

Mmgh…

Casting of Toshiro Mifune

AKToshiro

Toshiro Mifune is the greatest of all those who act!

Kurosawa would also cast Toshiro Mifune often—most notably in the role of a samurai or ronin. Mifune starred in fifteen of Kurosawa’s films, and is often considered the best actor Kurosawa worked with.

I protest, I prefer Takashi Shimura!

Bakada! Absurd! Mifune was superior!

No! Shimura’s ability to portray sentimental characters gives him the edge!

Ridiculous! I challenge you to a duel!

Hah! Hmmm…WAH! Grrrrgh! Sho! Takashi Shimura! Grraghaghagh! Huaaaagh!

shing!

No! Stop! This duel is very foolish!

I agree!

Let us stop and amend!

Indeed! ... .. . Mmgh…

Filmography

AKRashomon

Toshiro Mifune looks angry! And also he looks confused! Hai!

Many film directors make only one or two masterpieces, or none at all! This is because they suck very hard! Kurosawa, however, made twelve masterpieces! Behold!

Rashomon

Rashomon features Takashi Shimura as a poor peasant and Toshiro Mifune as a bandit. The film deals with accounts of a crime that vary wildly, probably because no one was paying attention. There are many scenes of people looking either angry or confused.

Ikiru

A middle-aged Takashi Shimura plays an aging desk clerk who looks for new meaning when he learns he has stomach cancer. He stalks a young woman, and then tries to build a playground, and then dies. Afterward, all of his friends forget him!

Seven Samurai

AKSS

The six minute intermission in Seven Samurai is most exciting! Hoo-oo!

Seven Samurai stars Takashi Shimura as a samurai, and Toshiro Mifune as a bum who pretends to be a samurai with a girl’s name. There are also five other characters who are completely inconsequential. They defend a village, and are paid for their services in rice. This takes three-and-a-half hours! Also, there is a dramatic final battle in the rain. Rain!

Throne of Blood

The English version of Macbeth wasn’t good enough, so Kurosawa-san made a Japanese version! It is much better, and features Toshiro Mifune as a samurai warlord who is shot to death with arrows.

The Hidden Fortress

The Hidden Fortress stars Toshiro Mifune as Obi-wan Kinobi, and features other people of no consequence, for they are not as great. Two peasants—called C3PO and R2D2—find gold belonging to the disposed royal family of a conquered kingdom, and are therefore obligated to return them to the throne.

Yojimbo

File:AKYojimbo.jpg

Yojimbo stars the great Toshiro Mifune as a ronin samurai who comes to a village. He eventually kills most of the people in the village, and then leaves.

High and Low

High and Low features Toshiro Mifune as a samurai—a business samurai, that is! Ahahahahaha! His son is kidnapped, which greatly interferes with his efforts of trying to take over the National Shoe Company.

Red Beard

Many people think this film is about a drunken Irishman—it is not. Instead, it stars Toshiro Mifune as a doctor who helps sick poor people. Kurosawa-san pans this out to over three hours. This is the last Kurosawa film to star Toshiro Mifune.

Dersu Uzala

Dersu Uzala was made in the Soviet Union, because Kurosawa had become too great for the nation of Japan to handle.

Kagemusha

Kagemusa is a samurai movie, despite the fact it starts neither Toshiro Mifune nor Takashi Shimura. Takashi Shimura is actually in Kagemusha, but for very brief. The rest of the movie is unimportant.

Ran

AKRan

“The peasants are presumptuous! Burn their villages!”

Akira Kurosawa considered Ran to be his best film. Because it is the greatest film by the greatest director ever, it is only logical that Ran is in fact the greatest film of all time!

I disagree! I prefer Seven Samurai!

What’s this!? Bakada!

No, it is you who are absurd! Let us duel once more!

Wssssh-sha! Hooo! Grghhh! Wah-hah! Oo-oo-oo!

swang!

Oh no! I have killed my best friend! I must commit seppuku in shame!

Huagghhh!

Dreams

Oh, also, Dreams is pretty good. Huagghhh!

See Also

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