From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Akira (All Kills In Real Animation) is a 1988 Japanese animated cyberpunk science fiction musical adaptation of William Shakespeare's hit kabuki play West Side Story.
OK, to they take rejects from Scanners, and give them a big dose of gamma radiation, throw them the bikes from TRON then they give us all lots of drugs to make us sit down and believe it all.
Now with audience hopped up on those pills you keep thinking you see the entire movie (just keep thinking that, bub, that's a good monkey) the rejects from Scanners (their names are Tetsuo, Kaneda, guy who dies, and guy nobody cares about) form a gang as gangs are cool, right? So cool that even clown can have gangs! Yes, cool clowns. Just keep taking your pills.
Anyway, after the government realizes the amount of Anime particles radiating from Tetsuo is enough to mutate his girlfriend, he is taken in to some super secret lab where he is assaulted by these creepy blue children with progeria that they keep locked in the back of a lead lined fridge. Then Tetsuo gets psychic powers and proceeds to make people's heads a splode!
Tetsuo escapes the laboratory, blows up a lot of people's heads, gets really drunk/high, and has a great weekend in Tijuana. Meanwhile the audience and the scientists watch on in horror as the Radiation particles radiating from Tesuo grow to epic proportions causing him to transform into a colossal glob of oozing meat that starts eating everything.
The kids from the back of the fridge summon the only creature with more radiation coming from him than Tetsuo- a naked kid named Akira who spends even more time meditating the fridge as a pile of organs preserved in pickle jars. The world then proceeds to implode just as the audience's buzz starts to wear off and everyone is treated to a Flashback of Tetsuo, Akira and Kaneda as kids during that idyllic distant childhood summer just before they first started inhaling paint fumes and breaking into medicine cabinets. The moral of the story: just say no to drugs and don't fuck with Japan or else they'll bust a cap in your ass from orbit via satellite ala Ronald Reagan faster than you can say Strategic Defense Initiative.
So like why isn't this movie called Tetsuo? Akira only shows up at the end.
"Tetsuo" is the only thing Kaneda knows how to say due to a massive stroke about a half way into the movie. He spends his time riding his Tron Bike and yelling Tetsuo during sex.
Tetsuo is Kaneda's rival. He is psychic. Giant teddy bears hate him. He has a weak abdominal wall apparently, because his intestines spill out onto the sidewalk regularly.
- Akira Kurosawa— Japanese film director (you ever seen Seven Samurai?) who magically Destroyed Tokyo, like, 20 years ago.
- KANEDA!!— Because no anime is complete without a totally cool hero! If by cool you mean outdated even when the film was released.
- TETSUO!!— A clone of Akira... or something. Just take a few more pills...
- The Colonel— Government guy who's trying to stop the spread of Anime particles. Sadly, he doesn't realize HE IS INFECTED TOO!
- Old Scientist Guy— Thinks radiation particles are waaaay cool.
- Kaisuke - Billy Joel impersonator.
edit Simplified Script
(Kaneda and Tetsuo are riding their Tron bikes down Neo Tokyo)
(Now they're walking down some street)
(Now they're at a restaurant, looking at the menus)
(And now, they're in a restroom, both in different stalls)
(Now they're in a movie theater)
Random person: Shut up over there!
(Tetsuo is asleep one night, but the phone rings in the middle of the night)
(Tetsuo then answers it and finds out it's none other than...)
(Tetsuo rides his Tron bike down Neo Tokyo and sees Kaneda)
(Tetsuo then gets in an accident and crashes, SKREEEEEEEE-KABLANG!!)
(Tetsuo is now in the hospital, and gets a letter from Kaneda. It reads: