Airport security guards

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“I pity dat foo...”
~ Mr.T on Everything
“They are FUCKS”
~ Oscar Wilde on Airport Security
“Secretly, I bugged the windows I gave them for their metal detector. They never knew. What a bunch of fucks”
~ Bill Gates on Airport Security
“They took my doughnut and my beer!”
~ a Canadian on a Security Guard
“Mmmmmmmm, doughnuts”
~ Oscar Wilde on Doughnuts
“In Soviet Russia, airportsecurityguard steal YOU'!!! Hey look, you're just as fucked up as we are.”
~ Sir Russian Reversal, Esquire on Aiport Security Guards & vodka
“I don't think they're so bad.”
~ A guy who is DEFINITELY NOT an Airport Security Guard

edit Origins

Once upon a time, airport security guards were actually smart, and were able to protect their passengers well, but because of Colplay music, they were sentenced to the sanitarium for life. The new breed of guard is less smart, and said only to work there because Green Day, Denis Leary, and Flogging Molly refused to use them in their music videos American Idiot, I'm an Asshole and Drunken Lullabies. However, there were some potential candidates that escaped the bleak fate of guarding magical flying lumps of metal (rather expensive ones, too) by joining the republican party, or moving to Kykgystykgyanyagkanakyntyrgykstan.

edit Current Standards

Today, airport security guards spend much of their time masturbating, yelling, feeling tourists up with their "magic wand", feeling each other up with their other "magic wand", masturbating, thinking of new reasons why to confiscate things, rigging the metal detector to go off for the hot people (to feel them up with their other "magic wand"), pickpoketing, masturbating, planting drugs on the hot people (to strip search them), and making up excuses for how they lost a person's tickets/passport/grandmother.

And masturbating

edit Investigation

After hearing of the above attrocities, the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA), the Department of Transportation (DOT), the department of defence (DOD), the United Airline Association (UAA), and the Alphabet (ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRTUVWXYZ) decided to investigate.

edit The 1 Results

The above agencies sent in undercover agents to investigate whether or not the security guards sized up to George Bush. In the preliminiminiminary stages, investigators boarded planes with such deadly items as mascara, deodorant, squirter pistols, C4, M4's, .44's, AK 44's, 4 barrelled shotguns, and 4 cheese pizza.

edit The 2 results

After finding out the above findings, investigators decided to see if they could smuggle more onto the planes. In the next stage, investigators were capable of smuggling nail clippers, nail files, Trinitronolutuenilenitroline (TNT), quote giver Oscar Wilde (who they had gagged, and for no apparent reason, painted bright red), a light armored humvee, and a beluga whale.

edit The 3.14159265358979323846 results

(Stages 3.0 to 3.14159265358979323845 failed utterly for no apparent reason)

After encountering almost no resistance to the above weapons, the investigators decided once more to push the investigation further. In the pi stages of the investigation, investigators were able to take dynamite, an M1 armored tank, the entire canadian army (as if that's hard), sam fisher, the museum of natural history, and Rambo.

  • please note that during this stage of he investigation, airport security confiscated a pair of scissors from one of the agents. The security guard was then awarded employee of the month, but because of complains that he was recklessly endangering the rest of his employees by trying to apprehend deadly terrorists, he was moved to the gift shop. Please note, the same agent that had his scissors confiscated boarded the plane with an M-72 Law rocket launcher.
  • In their defense, the spokesperson for the security guards said this, "We're only trained to spot and confiscate pistols or guns, how are we supposed be able to stop an M1 tank when you can't even see it, huh? It's a lot harder than you think. What was that? You're a fuck. I'm not on crack."

edit The Next Stage

Bill Mead, the head of the security for most of the country, eventually conceded that he should improve security for everyone's sake. During that interview, he once applauded the courage and the bravery of the guards who confiscated the scissors, and he also commented on how he didn't see what the latter stages of the investigation proved. "I just can't see how taking the central park merry-go-round onto a plane is productive or makes any point" he said at an earlier interview. An unidentified agent replied "So?" Bill Mead would also like to make a point that when Rambo was smuggled on, he camouflaged himself using three toothpicks, an elastic band, and a turkey baster, and therefore none of his employees could be blamed.

George Johnson, the head of the DOT's investigation, agreed with Mead on the last point. At the latest meeting among agents, he said to "give it a rest", and "at some point, please return the Washington Monument". He did not ask the agents to return Bill Gates.

edit The Changes

Bill Mead agreed changes were needed. He will be replacing most of his staff with people from the motion pictures (not music videos) Snakes on a Plane, United 93, FlightPlan, and Freddy vs. Jason (the intimidation factor).

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