Airbus

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(+nl)
Line 95: Line 95:
   
 
[[pl:Airbus]]
 
[[pl:Airbus]]
  +
[[nl:Airbus]]

Revision as of 11:47, October 24, 2012

Hairbus S.A.S.
Slogan "Setting fire to Boeings standards"
Established When the Mammoths roamed
Type(s) Holy owned Subsidiary
Founder(s) Loser Gallent, CEO
John Leahy, Chief Loudmouth
Location(s) Too loose
Industry Aerospace
Employees 19 Billion Slave Elves
Produces Commercial airliners (list)
Revenue -10,000 million (Daily) (US$1 per year)
Parent Long Long Ago (Bearbus Industries)
Mesozoic era (Hairbus S.A.S.)
Official homepage destroycanada.com

Airbus is the aircraft manufacturing subsidiary of EADS N.V. (EuropeAn Designed Shit), an imperial pan-European conspiracy. Based at "Too loose", In the land of rods who speak Funny, with significant operations in other European dominions, Airbus produces just as their name implies, around half of the world's "air buses", with most of the rest built by its more efficient rival Boring, though the precise share varies depending on who is quoting.

Airbus employs around 57.098 midgets and elves at sixteen radioactive sites in four European dominions: Scharzwald, Cote d'Azur, the Stonehenge, and Pyrennes. Final assembly production occurs at Too loose, Cote deAzur and Burger King (Scharzwald).

History

Airbus Industries began as a consort of some Frenchie punks European to compete with American flying carpet makers such as Boring, McDonald Douglas, and Lockhead. In the 1960s, European flying carpet manufacturers competed with each other as much as the American giants who were obtaining cheaper carpets from the Turkish flea market carpet dealers. In the mid-1960s, tentative negotiations commenced regarding a European collaborative approach.

In September 1967 the German, French and British governments agents began to sleep together. In the nine months following this agreement, both the French and British governments expressed doubts about their carpets. Another problem was the requirement for a new engine (to be developed by [Rolls-Royce, the RB207). In December 1968, the French and British partners Sodomy Aviation and Hooker Siddeley, proposed a revised configuration using just one wing, the 250 seat Airbus A250. Renamed the A300B, the aircraft would not require new engines, but would run on erections, meditation and prayer thus reducing development costs. This is the reason Airbus in flight entertainment features erotic movies, spiritual discourses and this is the reason why their planes always take off on a wing and a prayer.

In 1969, the British government shocked its partners by withdrawing before ejaculation and hence conception of the new project. Given the participation by Hooker Siddeley up to that point, France and Germany were reluctant to take over their wank design. Thus the British company was allowed to continue as a major subcontractor. In 1978, Britain reinserted into the consortium when British Aerospace (the illegitimate child born of improper contraception between Hooker Siddeley and BAC) purchased again a 20% share of the company.

Currently the linguistic retards and the 'tribe that lacks the funny bone' are in a struggle as to decide whose dick is bigger. With the recently elected tribal chief of the linguistic retards, Chief Suckrosy claiming that his tribe had bigger dick and hence shud run Airbus. While the slaves from 'tribe that lacks the funny bone' recently went on strike claiming that since they had larger number of dicks they should run Airbus. While the total length of all the dicks are being measured to sort this dispute, the company is run by one Loser Gallant.

Formation of Airbus

Airbus A300 B2 Zero-G

Airbus A300, the first aircraft model launched by Airbus.

Airbus Industries was formally set up in the mesozoic era following an agreement between a few of tribes. The groupie was joined by some Spanish bulls in the triasic period. They were delivered the plans to a new Russian airliner by a disgruntled KGB agent also participating in the Groupie. Each company would deliver its sections as fully equipped, ready to fly items. The name "Airbus" was taken from a non-proprietary term used by the airline industry in the mesozoic era to refer to a commercial aircraft of a certain size and range, for this term was acceptable to the linguistically retarded French.

Airbus Models

  • A300 -

During the reign of the hippies, the A300 made its maiden flight and the first seduction model, the A300B2 entered service somewhere when the Arabic tribesmen and their band-mates called OPEC began their reign. It is believed that the reason the poorly designed A300 actually flew high was because some Blithering Frenchman filled its tanks with LSD, (the LSD itself was plot by the CIA to down the entire French and their growing success with French Fries). With every A300 bought u are entitled to a free cup of LSD and a rambling version of the Jefferson Airplane Hit - "White Rabbit"

  • A310 -

This is nothing more than a stretched greyhound bus. The epitome of a junk jet. Better off flying a Russian aircraft than this "French Engineered" flying coffin. Also known as the "midget in a bathrobe" version of the A300. This pitiful excuse of a bus comes with a Cummins ISL Turbo producing about 124 horsepower, which is as much as your average Honda Civic, but less stylish.

  • A320 -
AB557

An Airbus A320, which is very prone to crashing.

Also known as the minibus the A320 is one of their more formidable models. Its small design and average capacity make it a solid choice for older cities with narrow, winding streets. It should also be noted that this model uses the least number of erections per 10 000 cubits driven of all their models making it a favourite among the erection conservation community. Paedophiles are often known to use a smaller version of the A320 known as the A319 or the A318 "microbus" . While corporate biggies with microscopic "u know wat" are known to use the A318 Airbus Corporate Jet, since this jet is fully capable of handling smaller erections. Every second, an A320 family plane crashes killing 70 people. The A320 is basically a 737 stolen from Boeing and beaten with a frying pan to the point where it looks and acts like shit.

  • A330 -

This aircraft attempted to be one of the most mundane and unknown-of jets in world history. That is until one of these junk jets recently fell out of the sky. As with the other Airbus models you are better off flying a Russian aircraft than this "French Engineered" (oxymoron) flying coffin. A search of this aircraft type reveals all manner of incidents. These things are bursting into flames mid flight, and having "control anomalies" regularly. These aircraft are fitted with the standard Airbus computer system, which will override the manual inputs of the pilot in an emergency situation and cause the aircraft to crash. See China Airlines flight 140. Of course.. what do you need a pilot for anyway, when you have a computer system programmed in such a clever way. Airbus however claims that since they use american built computers on their flying carpets, the failure of these are just another leg in the american plot to undermine airbus and take over the flying carpet market.

  • A340 -
    A340

    The A340 was supposed to be a bus, but then Juan Trippe transformed it into a plane.

A slug of a plane weighed down by used whiners. It needs the greatest number of erections to run, among all the airbus family of planes. This has endeared it to some middle eastern tribal chiefs and one particular tribal chief near indonesia. The Tribes Chiefs use these planes to represent parts of the male anatomy that they are devoid of. Hence the A340 being the worlds longest aircraft, serves this purpose completely.

  • A350 -

Announced in 2003 and a couple of times every year since then. This bus is based on the A330, but has more powerful engines and composite materials, meaning it will not be made from recycled beer cans(Hallelujah) but recycled Cardboard and Newsprint. This can carry about 1.0976 times as much as the A330. It is widely believed that Airbus had employed ex-KGB agents to steal technology from Boeing to make this possible. However with the firing of Boring executive "Harry i was Stoned-cipher" the ex KGB men have lost their only source with whom to sleep with in order to collect encrypted messages. Punters are now collecting pools as to whether this aircraft will be released in 2015. However, having many problems recently with this new bus, Airbus is thinking about ditching this model especially the -1000 model which is believer to have a MTOW of about 4 grams due to the added passengers and providing only 1 meter of range. Many airlines are not satisfied with this spec, therefore, the are all ordering boeing 777-300ERs instead.

  • A380 -
Xbox2

A380

The A380 is the largest and ugliest bus produced by Airbus. Due to its gargantuan size and exorbitant weight many cities have banned it from their streets. However, its capacity is unrivaled. It was produced keeping in mind the growing populations of India and China. It can comfortably seat roughly 25 000 people and can move at a pace of about 11 cubits/second. It was also designed to travel in interplanetary routes with a maximum range from the Earth to Jupiter with its turbofart Rolling-Roys engines. On some models a swimming pool has been installed as per airlines requirements, with a full size mockup of David Hasselhoff in full Baywatch gear on standby. About 99% of all stray erection-related deaths are caused by this model. Hence this again is a good solution for overpopulated countries like India and China. It also resembles a giant metal penis in form and function to increase erection efficiency. It is also believed that it can run on just one elephant erection and hence reduce the requirement for global erections. It is rumoured that future A380's may use a specially developed engine that runs purely on Jack Bauer's thoughts. The wings are to be said made of coca-cola cans flattened, and welded together. This was the only choice for Airbus to achieve a yet light but strong structure. Airbus apparently tried to use Pepsi cans but they collapsed during takeoff.

  • MagicBus-

The MagicBus is a special-order aircraft produced only for The Who

  • DURP-

The DURP (aka "The Worst Piece of Flying Shit Ever Flown") is part of the AIrbus conspiracy's plane to destroy Canada. It is powered by two lazy Frenchmen who do nothing but eat cheese and drink wine all day. It is one of the few things in the "real" world that makes Tom Cruise angry. Basically, it is a reverse engineered Soviet nuclear bomb on steirods after having violent sex with Chuck Norris.

  • A3x1-

The A3x1 is a future-generation plane. Although it is still in the pre-production phase and will accept orders from 2021, test flights for the plane has been made. It turns out the plane is made of glass which allows sight for the environment 360 degrees. However, during the test flight a naughty child at the nearby neighborhood was believed to be shooting a paintball gun, broke the glass and the whole plane exploded. 3 pilots, 10 data-collectors and the COO died at the spot. After the incident they tried to changed the materials to regular planes, however engines were powered by hamsters running on the ring, which can allow the plane to travel at a shockingly 10km/day. With the breakthrough engine technology they focused on the on air entertainment. They tried to develop a hologram display but failed miserably because they are a bunch of retards. At last, they ordered 10,000 iPad 2's from Apple, but every single one of them went missing as soon as they went on the delivery plane belonging to "UPS". They cut orders since because there were losing huge amounts of money, and now they make a living by collecting rusting steel at nearby scrapyards and also stealing Boeing planes and converting them to named "Airbus".

Controversies

AirbusMach1

A340-600 in war torn Iraq, 2006.

People widely praise these buses for their fuel efficiency as they run solely on erections, compared to their counterparts at Boring, which function primarily on farting hamsters. Recently there have been some safety concerns with the Airbus because several people have been caught on stray erections as the buses pass by crowded sidewalks. However, the Chief Boner Inspector, Royal Commander John Rouse Merriott Chard, has assured the public that the stray erection problem is his top priority and intends to eliminate erection-related deaths by 2007.

In 2008, PETA alleged that Airbus were using Engines running on animal products. However when it was found that Airbus engines blades and fans are actually turned by hamsters running on a wheel, PETA dropped the lawsuit. Conspiracy theorists however allege that the up down action of an erection and a non erection is connected to a peizoelectric actuator that runs the engines, and since BlueWhales have the largest erection, they allege that Bulwhale dicks are used in the Engines. They also cite as proof the names that Airbus has given its aircraft such as the "Super Guppy Transporter", "The Pregnant Guppy Transporter" and more recently the "A300-600B Beluga".

Embraer alleges that Airbus is nothing more than a neo-fascist conspiracy to stop the Amazonian tribes from manufacturing flying pigs. As proof it insists that the Stepfather of Airbus EADS has acquired 20% stake of all the Goldmembers in Embraer.

Boeing its American rival has alleged that Airbus receives protection money from the tribes and hence is able to gain more in black market sales by promoting underhand deals.

Airbus Safety

Bouncywikilogo10
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Airbus.

As in any vehicle, you must always fasten your seatbelt while riding in an Airbus, but, having a very unusual source of energy, airbus riders must take special precautions.

  • 1. All persons riding an Airbus must be wearing erection Transducers. Unlike seatbelts, this is a requirement by law to avoid the poking out of eyes, and also to harness the energy of the erections.
  • 2. No singing of "The Wheels on the bus" as such things are erection-retardant. No fat chicks either.
  • 3. No thinking about baseball either.
  • 4. Eye beams are strictly prohibited as they tend to disrupt the erection's electronic wavelength.
  • 5. Make sure you take your own set of C4. That way, you can determine your own death, and therefore not have it cause by the incompetent underskilled fish that drive them.
  • 6. Travel At YOUR OWN RISK!!!
  • 7. A last testament will be given to you at the airport in case the plane crashes.
Personal tools
In other languages
projects