Air Training Corps
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The Air Training Corps is a military youth organisation, originally established by the Conservative Party, under Winston Churchill to be used as a private army, by Churchill, to take over the United Kingdom. Unfortunately, due to a series of setbacks, the ATC was reformed and re-branded following Churchill's demise, into the organisation we know today.
Renowned for its tight little uniforms and 'No chavs here!' attitude, the ATC has a great many members among the UK's teenage population and will soon supercede Tesco as the world's largest employer.
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[edit] History
Back in 1945, Churchill plotted to use the cadets under his command to take down the Queen and rule the country forever.
By the end of the war Winston was ready to launch his plan. On the night of the 5th February 1945 he and his army - five cadets and a corporal - stormed Buckingham Palace under the cover of darkness.
But the Queen was ready for them. Having barred the door with an umbrella, she ran out onto her balcony and used her powers to summon a great fleet of swans from the sky. Winston tried to sway using a Sainsburys Loaf but they weren't interested and pecked him and his comrades to death.
In the morning, the Queen hired a new government - called the Labour Party and told them she was not amused with the Air Training Corps. They promised to sort it out and naturally asked Bob Geldof to have a concert. Suddenly everything was all right.
With some quick changes to the logo and a bit of retraining, the ATC that we know today was born.
[edit] Organization
Today, the Queen still despises the ATC much preferring the CCF and therefore proclaimed if a member of the Royal Family HAD to be the Commander-in-Chief, then it shall be Prince Harry - being the most retarded and therefore most suitable.
The Air Training Corps considers itself the 'child' of the RAF and therefore likes to imitate its parent organisation in any way possible. This includes offering cadets opportunities such as flying, gliding, 'playing soldiers', abusing foreign prisoners or providing sexual relief for troops stationed abroad.
At a local level, the ATC is organised into Squadrons of how ever many bored teenagers can be found. These are run by: 1) however many bored elderly people can be found, 2) one token Commanding officer, who actually holds a Commission although probably cant remember why or when he got it. these are a breed apart from "real" officers. their capacity for fuckups or "charlie foxtrots" is in even greater proprtions, and is enshrined in the little metal pins over their rankslides:
V R = CHAOS. This is an expression of advanced chaos theory mechanics
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And finally, 3) some cadets will be permitted to attach bits of cloth to their shoulders which dictate their importance. they also exist to keep their senior officers in check and prevent them from endangering anyone but themselves with their senility.
These cadets receive special treatment in that they are allowed to abuse cadets, yell incoherent commands and walk at the front of any group of people. Their rank also extends outside the ATC where they may have any item from any store free of charge and are worshiped by members of the public.
All cadets wear the Corps uniform which consists of a Blue vest, white 'Aladdin like' pantaloons and shiny parade shoes. Stepping on a cadet's shining parade shoe is a criminal offense under the Respect the Shoes Act 1945 and is an offence punishable by death. In addition, cadets wear a Beret (pronounced berry) on their head, which keeps all their special knowledge about planes and 'tick-tocking' from polluting the world.
Cadets are known to be oddly fanatical about their uniform as was demonstrated during the Kiwi Polish Incident. It is widely held that a particular fetish for creases, polish and starch is a perquisite for becoming a cadet.
Numerous Squadrons are grouped into a Wing. This is a geographical area of the country and may contain dozens of squadrons. In 2001, work began on several wings to allow them to lift off in the event of an emergency, however work has been impaired by the rising price of aviation fuel.
Several Wings are grouped into a Region of which there are six in total. Each is commanded by a Regional Commandant. The current Commandants are;
- Graham Norton
- Bruce Forsyth
- Simon Cowell
- Kate & Gerry Mcann
- Jeremy Kyle
- Cilla Black
In 2007, The MCann's took over from their daughter - the former Commandant, when she went missing abroad. The media reported her as being abducted, however it is well known within the inner circles of the ATC that she was captured during a overseas mission in Portugal, while trying to establish communications with the TLF(Turtle Liberation Front) and help them achieve their aims. There have been rumors that Madeline was captured by a rival organization, perhaps FAGGOT (Frog And Gazelle Genital Trust) . However, repeated efforts to use the Cadets in their region to search the world for Madeline have been futile.
[edit] Greggorio, the ATC's Offical Mascot
The successor to the previous mascot, Baarbie the sheep (who died in the line of duty during "maneuvers" with a welsh squadron), Greggorio, the ATC's new mascot is known for his tireless fight to combat animal racism in the workplace, before working for the ATC he first worked in a genital farm and later a rest home for elderly people(He was fired for smothering the elderly, they found out because every time he left a room the old person inside had a squashed nose had had died of respiratory failure). He rose to fame when he was denied admission to the ATC in 1978, along with Martin Luther King, Mahatma Gandhi and the Dahlai Lama he fought for equal rights within the ATC and other organisations. He is also famous for being one of the 'crooked legged' This means he has a rare disease which means he cannot lie down for more than 10 minutes, or he will go into cardiac arrest and die, so he has no choice but to stand up permanently. Greggorio's previous owner Bob Marley, brought this into the public eye with his song 'Get up, Stand Up' in which he sang the lyrics
'Get up!
Stand up!
Stand up for your life!'.
It has been said that Leothan will be the next ATC Mascot when the current one retires.
[edit] The Modern ATC
Under Labour the ATC has got a lot more 'soft' than Churchill intended. No longer are senior NCO's allowed to issue physical punishment out of hand for insolence/ignorance/gobbing off/wisecracking/eyeballing/poor drill/atrocious administration of sexual relief that "might hurt their poor little bodies" (Political correctness gone mad). This is for fear of trumped up charges from greedy parents going for personal injury claims, while ignoring the fact that this was one of the last great British institutions to advocate healthy doses of corporal punishment. not the Act, an actual corporal. He deeply resents the appellation given to him at birth and has an axe to grind about it. Consequently, the sadistic N.C.O's and masochistic Cadets (the only really promising toy soldiers) have left through boredom, unruly Chavs are being allowed to play with real guns, and the squadron toilets are perpetually dirtier than a festival privvy at Donnington. Congratulations, New Labour! you have, at last, destroyed every last good thing the Tories left behind for us. You spiteful conceited cunts.
Nowadays, the Cadets attend regular 'parade nights' where they take part in various activities. Each squadron has a parade square, in which there is a replica Spitfire aircraft. This Spitfire is attatched to a circular track, which it trundles around while the cadets sit on the wings and listen to their commanding officer, who sits in the cockpit, tell them war stories.
Air cadets also take part in shooting, although this does not compare to 'shooting' in the traditional sense. This is because the government provide the ATC with the rifle which, statistically, takes the longest time to load; 7 months, 2 days and 14 hours to be exact. This rifle is the 'No 8.', the number 8 corresponds to the length the cadet's beard will be by the time they fire the weapon (in feet).
The ATC does, however, have a darker side. The ATC is ruled from the dark fortress of Cranwell. It is said that any cadet who commits the worst crime possible in the ATC (treading on another's shoe) will be sent to Cranwell to never return. Cranwell is home to the evil spirit of J A Chamier, the founder of the ATC. So disgraced at how the ATC turned out, Chamier rose from his grave and patrols the corridors of Cranwell. Any mortal he lays his hands on instantly turns to polish and can only be turned back by Lord Trenchard. Lord Trenchard is the Father of the RAF and is WAY more powerful than Chamier. However, he doesn't visit often.
[edit] The Future of the ATC
Luckily not all is lost for the ATC, in 1998 a visionary group of officers decided to resolve the problems that were becoming ever more important. Namely that older cadets weren't hardcore enough, and there were too many larger size berets going unissued. They solved these problems by beginning the Junior Leaders course. Now all cadets have something to aim for after they've done the Gliding and Flying stuff, and short of going on an actual killing spree, they can now pretend to do it in freezing cold conditions, then go and tell everyone else how cool they are.
Graduates of the course get to wear the coveted Maroon Lanyard, made from the woven feather strands of phoenixes, and the Junior Leader Tactical Recognition Flash which if touched with the tip of a rifle barrel causes the arms of all other Junior Leaders to burn, alerting the whole alumni that trouble is afoot.
It has been speculated that the ATC will be taken over by the high powers of AirCadetCentral. The New Commandant Air Cadets will be Batfink and his Chief of Staff will be James Blonde.
