Aglets

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“In Soviet Russia, Aglets don't care about YOU!!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Aglets
200px-Aglet
The aglet, without it, we would all be rotting a deep pit.

The Aglet... many people have them, but are unaware of what or where they are. It's simple: An aglet is the little plastic (or metal) things on the end of shoelaces. Simple as that; or is it? Many people believe that the aglet was originally called the "foon", then they later found out it was not (Because the foon is of course an inverted spork).

The aglet has had quite the history:

edit History of the aglet

The aglet has had a proud and memorable history, from the first in 1790 to our modern aglet today. The aglet has had it's ups and downs (and ins and outs).

edit 1790

1870bicycle
It is quite obvious that "back in my days" is a phrase only pimps and old people can use.
N.W.A.StraightOuttaComptonalbumcover
Compton, the place were even paper boys fear to tread. (For fear of loosing their sneakers.)

The aglet was first created by a man known simply as Blaj. It was cylindrical in shape, 2 feet in diameter, three feet long and made of timber. Obviously at that time, almost every single person believed the aglet was a stupid creation and should be buried in a hole about 6 miles west of Compton, until a man had a idea.

edit 1873

Thomas Edison, age 26, a brilliant man and great fan of the Aglet. He was one of few people who thought the aglet was a good idea (Believe me, there wasn't very many). Edison decided that he would recreate the aglet, except this one will be made of solid rock and would be a triangular shape, it would also double as a very poorly designed wallet. Once again, this was a stupid idea. However, once his wife gave him feedback on his idea (reportedly labeling it "a bloody loony idea" and asking him whether he had been sniffing one of his other inventions- rubber cement), he decided that the idea was pointless and abandoned it. Sadly, this idea would have made him famous if perfected. He is only today known as an enemy of the C.I.A.

edit 1934

JFK
John F. Kennedy, 23rd Supreme Overlord of America.
The aglet was finally reconstructed to become a small, often plastic, tube that would hold the fibers of a shoelace together, people who knew of it's "power" (Also know as the "Slip Shoe") would be able to create a large solid gold statue which many people had different ideas of what it was, such as John F. Kennedy as a young man with the amazing slip shoe power thought it resembled a moose robbing that Macaulay Culkin kid (Of course he was doing that scared hands on the side of the face thing). But since that movie was not created yet, he thought it resembled his mothers disgrace for him.

edit Enemies of the aglet:

The enemies of the aglet are a lot like the bad guys we see on tv, such as:

  • Mr. Evil, a man in a top hat with a mustache, often rides over damsels in distress on a small train.
  • The Incredible Evil, a super powerful villain with the super powerful ability to tell if it is butter or I can't believe it's not butter.
    Not-butter
    I can't believe it's not butter, it will question your gender.
  • The zippy shoe, a shoe with zipper's instead of shoelaces and aglets.
  • The Slippy shoe, the shoe that can slip onto your foot without anything like shoelaces or zippers.
  • Compton, The aglet just had a bad experience in Compton.
  • Gobbles, a retarded turkey from the show South Park.
  • Dental Hygienists, The aglet despises dentists.

edit Conclusion

Evil-jesus
Many who seek help from Evil Jesus end up receiving a hemorrhoid, herpes and a really ugly b***h in your bed who just won't leave.

So, the aglet has had a proud and honorable history, but, sadly the aglet is slowly being destroyed by the slip of shoe and the zipper. But deep down in our livers (somewhere towards the left) we shall all remember the aglet and say "D**n!".


But, where would we be if it never existed? Our shoelaces would be messy and loosened, our wives would be confused as to why she is 80% water and Jesus would of made a second coming (You may be thinking this is a good thing, but I'm talking about the evil Jesus, the one who is lazy, mean and smells of odors most foul.) aglets are weapons of mass destruction known to blow up and kill thousands of people a year aglets are very dangerous and unsafe

edit What is a Foon?

Spork
You see before you, a spork, it is pure awesome in the form of a kitchen utensil.

In case you have been wondering what you mean by a foon being the inverted spork, here is an explanation: A spork is where you take the first 3 letters, spo, from spoon and the last two letters, rk, from fork. Now, a foon is the first letter, f, from fork and the last 3 letters, oon, from the word spoon, making 'foon'

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