African giraffe

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Giraffe range map

Lacking natural predators, giraffes have taken over the African continent and continued in their conquest to Italy, Spain, Portugal, and Crete.

“I saw one in the bush once, it certainly put the willies up me”
~ Noel Coward on African Giraffe
“The constant chaos and many murders that these giraffes have been responsible for can only compare to the horribly homicidal Hungry Hungry Hippos”
~ Alliteration on African Giraffe
“It's a bird... It's a plane... It's a... giant, airborne giraffe?”
~ Superman on the African Giraffe
“Don't fuck with those goddamn giraffes.”
~ ancient Chinese proverb
Did you know...
  • ...that everybody knows African giraffes can run you the fuck down?
Did you know...
  • ...that not Jews, but two pissed off African Giraffes running rampant through New York did WTC?

The African Giraffe is the powerhouse of the land mammal society. Giraffa camelopardalis speedigonzales is considered by many to be the fastest even-toed ungulate in the world, though the Somalian Hippopotami and Peruvian Alpaca are thought to be able to match the African Giraffe in terms of endurance.

Speed and Special Attacks


Look at that giraffe go. [Image not to scale, actual African Giraffe much larger]

Clocking in a top speed of over 347 mph, the giraffe can easily outrun small airplanes, and if they ever feel the need, they can tear the wheels off the plane with their sheer height. They developed this advanced speed running down airplanes during their conquest of Europe. Also Crete.

In the only existing recording of a African Giraffe committing its final charge at a 10 story building, the giraffe succeeded at breaking the sound barrier and reaching a mach speed of 1.003. Unfortunately, the person recording this incident was actually hiding inside the building.

Other minor skills African Giraffes have developed:

  • Bullet dodging
  • Stone skin
  • Death rays (used in conquest of Europe)
  • Flying
  • The ability to take a crap while running in front of an enemy at the amazing speed of 347 mph


Their diet mainly consists of other dead giraffes and the occasional lion. From eating other dead African Giraffes - especially the bones - they have also managed to acquire super hollow bones, which allows them the ability of flight. While cannibalistic, giraffes are reluctant to devour their kin which has led them to make the most of their meals. Over time, they have developed very effective digestive processes which use every bit of energy in their food. Consequently, giraffes need only eat once a month, rendering them invulnerable to siege and hunger strikes.



Here we can plainly see as an African Giraffe flies in a deadly reign of terror, sweeping across Europe as an unstoppable force.


Here is an extremely accurate diagram that shows the actual events that took place on 9/11. Image to exact scale.....yeah they're really tall

The giraffe's main predator is other giraffes and because of this, the population spreads over most of Africa and southern Europe, including Spain and Portugal. Also Crete. Herd animals to the super hollow bone, giraffes will not often resort to cannibalism, preferring instead to pick off the dwindling lion population. As they are not eating each other, and as the giraffe would sooner eat a predator than be preyed upon, the giraffes soon realized they would need to form a militant society in order to overcome immiment overpopulation.

European Conquest

Africa was swollen with African Giraffes and busting at its seams. The highly organized, heavily armed giraffes found themselves with no place to go but up. Europe would never see what hit it. Also Crete.

It has been speculated that the African Giraffe arrived in Crete after running a midnight death-ray bombing raid on northern Libya while heading to Athens. A group of irresponsible giraffes got to running low on fuel and had to make an emergency landing. They found and killed about 5 billion people on the island and claimed it as their northern reconnaissance base of operations.

Realizing the latent potential in European soil, the African giraffe decided it needed to expand its horizons. Calling their army reserves all over Africa to service, the giraffes quickly mobilized. In a pincer movement, half the forces advanced over land across the Arabian peninsula, while the rest sailed on galleons toward the Iberian peninsula. Both flanks were successful, but the giraffes advancing through Spain found the French distasteful and stopped their conquest. Bringing in civilians to colonize the Iberian peninsula, the African giraffe military returned to Crete before embarking on the next stage of their European conquest.

Meanwhile, the Arabian peninsula fell to the giraffes as they plodded through. However, they did not intend to maintain control over it, as it was hot and dry and desert-y. After a traipse through Turkey, they found Greece and Italy to their liking and soon settled there, uprooting countless numbers of previous inhabitants. This day has been recorded in the history archive of the United Nations as the worst Giraffe related real estate disaster of all time.

The African giraffe has yet to achieve world domination, most likely due to its small full-time army and rampant use of unmotivated reserves. Once these forces found an area to their liking, they ceased their march of terror and slaughter and settled on the land full of feasting and ripe babies. However, taking full notice of this shortcoming, the giraffes have started many military schools and will be on the march again soon.


They look innocent enough, until they run you the fuck down.

Recently a Giraffe was spotted doing the breaststroke off of the coast of Crete. This had led the majority of the senior scientists at the IGRCPE (International Giraffe Reconnaissance Concept Projected Effort) to the conclusion that the African Giraffe is preparing for a second European conquest.

The Great War of Crete

The Great war of Crete took place on October 19th, 1902. All of the Cretans had been preparing for the deadly attack of the African Giraffes for over 12 years. After reaching the Island of Crete, these beasts took out the whole island in a meager 14 seconds with all of their nuclear warfare. At this time the great Radiotronoraffes were still alive who allied with the African Giraffes. After taking down Crete in 14 seconds the Giraffes all walked away laughing.

Elders of the Cretan people now who scared, and shakily tell the story of the war say that the destructive power of these animals was so scary the only people who lived were the ones who went on the vacation to America. One of the sole survivors Marko Slovenia said he was so lucky he was not there. He said through tears that all of his brothers, Marke, Marki, Marka, Marku, and Jim were all destroyed from these great beasts.

Where did Atlantis go???

Everyone seems to wonder to wonder where did Atlantis go? The truth is the dissappearance of Atlantis was because of the African Giraffe. After destroying the village and submerging with their guerrilla style hit and run warfare the African Giraffes decided to leave a few micro organisms in which people would be able to grow back. Millions of years later these people emerged from the toxic sludge as fully formed life. They now live in France.

A Right Public Nuisance


Newer generations of African giraffes are faster and deadlier than ever before. African giraffes WILL run you the fuck down.


Attacks by killer Giraffes are fatal in all but the rarest of cases. If attacked roll into the fetal position and lose control of your bowels, as this can cause confusion in your attacker. Giraffes are still likely to run you the fuck down though.


Horrific drive-by giraffings are on the rise throughout Africa and Europe.

African giraffes are extremely aggressive and are known to go on mass killing sprees through small African villages. Because the Africans' only defence is nuclear warfare, the giraffes have run rampant through society, killing trillions in the process.

Every year there are over 7,890,234,178,902,341 giraffe related deaths, seven of them in Crete alone. The African giraffes in Africa are observed to be the most violent. Scientists theorize this is AIDS- or heat-related. Note: All scientists in Africa are actually witch doctors.

Giraffes are immune to bullets, stabbing, nukes, and laser guided missiles. Ironically, the African giraffes only weakness is other African giraffes. This has led the African government to start hundreds of African giraffe breeding programs. These mostly end in the death of entire civilisations because everybody knows African giraffes will run you the fuck down.

Great African Giraffe Leaders

Over the years there have been many pivitole moments in the African Giraffe history. These are the stories recovered from a paperbag that was burried by and ancient philosipher giraffe.

The Great and Almighty Flairhair

The great and Almighty Flairhair the 32 foot high African Giraffe was the leader of the Flamer group of African Giraffes. He taught the other giraffes, the great martial arts of Suckitoomee. This enraged these giraffes to attacking all other animals in Australia.

After running across the water to Australia, these great and powerful animals attacked the platypus, the now extinct snakesnail, and the great kangaroo. They used Suckitoomee to devour these animals and ate all of the native Aboriginals. Nowadays the Great and Almighty Flairhair is known throughout the African giraffes today.

The Hermit Jaquile (jA-kwEEl)

Jaquile was the first African giraffe ever to attack a human populated area. After having his 34 sons run down and eaten by a very fat Italian man Jaquile sought out the nearest village and proceeded to capture all of the inhabitants children. He then forced the parents to watch as first he devoured the younglings' legs and then their skin.

Jaquile left them alive for as long as possible and the horrors only stopped once Jaquile had silenced the final child and continued to murder the rest of the inhabitants of the village. After his victory Jaquile ran throughout Africa in a state of rage declaring to all the the Final war of the African Giraffes had begun. He mustered a great army and lead the Giraffes on there first ethnic cleansing of Europe at the end of which he would conquer Italy, Spain, and Portugal. Also Crete.

Jaquile became immortal and lived on top of a very large rock on the geographical centre of Africa. His reign as King of the African Giraffes Ended suddenly in 894 when he died during a massive bowal movement. Hundreds were killed and the concluding explosion could be heared through most of Europe. Also Crete.

Note : From this tale developed the popular Giraffe threat " DO YOU WANT ME TO GO ALL JAQUILE ON YOUR FACE BITCH!!!".

See Also


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