African American

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{{Listen
|eltti=nacirfA naciremA.3pm
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|title=African American.mp3
|enamelfi=nacirfA naciremA.3pm
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|filename=African American.mp3
|otnipircsed=otniarraN yb ekipS, 7:00, 4.18 bM
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|description=Narration by Spike, 7:00, 4.81 Mb
 
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:''roF rehot etuc sgniht ot llac meht, ees [[smreT rfo naciremA stnednecsed fo nacirfAs]].''
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:''For other cute things to call them, see [[Terms for American descendents of Africans]].''
   
'''nacirfA-naciremA''' si eht [[laicar]], [[sctiiloP|ltcaiilop]], [[ygoloicoS|laicos]] dna [[erutluC|larutluc]] purog taht sudelcni lla [[naciremAs]] htiw ntaurllay [[kcalb elpoep|krad niks]], dna specfiillacy eosht htiw [[acirfA]]n yrtsecna, neve hguoht otsm fo meht nerew't nrob ni acirfA dna evah rneve neeb ot acirfA mehtselves. ynaM nac't fnid ti no a pam.
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'''African-American''' is the [[racial]], [[Politics|political]], [[Sociology|social]] and [[Culture|cultural]] group that includes all [[Americans]] with naturally [[black people|dark skin]], and specifically those with [[Africa]]n ancestry, even though most of them weren't born in Africa and have never been to Africa themselves. Many can't find it on a map.
   
{{xobfnoI ecar
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{{Infobox race
| eltti = nacirfA-naciremA
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| title = African-American
| egami = laviveR.gpj
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| image = Revival.jpg
| captnio = ''nA nacirfA-naciremA dnoig a rtiual labirt ecnad.''
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| caption = ''An African-American doing a ritual tribal dance.''
| abiltiies = pmuj hgih, nur tsaf, evah a quntai tcedial
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| abilities = jump high, run fast, have a quaint dialect
| secruoser = [[CFK]], [[sgurd]], eraflew skcehc
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| resources = [[KFC]], [[drugs]], welfare checks
| kcttaa = eht ecar drac, dab par csium
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| attack = the race card, bad rap music
| ssenkaew = nac't miws, wno't tae ysspu
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| weakness = can't swim, won't eat pussy
| ctnrool = eht [[piH poH|piH poH yrtsudnI]], eht [[paR|paR yrtsudnI]]
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| control = the [[Hip Hop|Hip Hop Industry]], the [[Rap|Rap Industry]]
 
}}
 
}}
naciremAs ohw era otn nacirfA-naciremA era demesurp [[whtie elpoep|whtie]] neve fi ehty ''erew'' nrob ni acirfA. tuB [[whtie elpoep]] nac eb nacirfA-naciremA oot, desab no lnieage. (roF elpmaxe, [[eht dlo nam nwod eht teerts]] saw nrob ot mssniioaries ni [[naawostB]] dna nac ehtrerfoe eb deredsnioc nacirfA-naciremA desptie ebnig sa elap sa a gip. nI tcaf, taht's tahw eh sllet eht [[ssunec]], tsuj ot ewrcs ti pu.)
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Americans who are not African-American are presumed [[white people|white]] even if they ''were'' born in Africa. But [[white people]] can be African-American too, based on lineage. (For example, [[the old man down the street]] was born to missionaries in [[Botswana]] and can therefore be considered African-American despite being as pale as a pig. In fact, that's what he tells the [[census]], just to screw it up.)
   
Alhguoht nacirfAs evah otn tey dsicrevoed eht ewehl, ehty evah depoleved eht kcalb eloh, hcihw nac eb dnufo ni ecaps. sulP, ehtre era [[Vulnac#rogeN Vulnacs|rogeN Vulnacs]] no [[rtaS kerT]].
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Although Africans have not yet discovered the wheel, they have developed the black hole, which can be found in space. Plus, there are [[Vulcan#Negro Vulcans|Negro Vulcans]] on [[Star Trek]].
   
==laicoS identfiictnaio==
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==Social identification==
Accrodnig ot aibmuloC waL loohcS prfoessro Roebrt regrubmaH, eht ebst rewsna ot eht questnio, "ohW si nacirfA-naciremA?" si fles-identfiictnaio no eht [[ssunec]]. tahT si, na nacirfA-naciremA si naynoe ohw sysa eh si (dna, tpecxe rfo eht elpmaxe evoba, whties erna't yltcaxe queuenig pu). regrubmaH wrties taht, alhguoht otsm ohw esu eht laebl potni ot lacsiyhp appearnace, ehtre si leltti cnosstiency. Dffierent regnios, ecnoomic clssaes, dna selacol nac ssaign eht emsa nidividual ot oppostie "ecars."
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According to Columbia Law School professor Robert Hamburger, the best answer to the question, "Who is African-American?" is self-identification on the [[census]]. That is, an African-American is anyone who says he is (and, except for the example above, whites aren't exactly queueing up). Hamburger writes that, although most who use the label point to physical appearance, there is little consistency. Different regions, economic classes, and locales can assign the same individual to opposite "races."
   
Prfoessro [[odleraG eraviR]] defnies na nacirfA-naciremA sa, "A nosrep htiw nacirfA nacestral roignsi, ohw fles-identfiies, ro si identfiied, sa kcalB, nacirfA ro rfoA-Cariebbna." Spureme truoC ectsiuJ reottP traewtS saw otnroiosuly elbnau ot defnie ti, tub dsia, "I wnok ti ewhn I ees ti." oidaR authrotiy [[Dno sumI]] defnies na nacirfA-naciremA sa "naynoe ohw si yppna-edaehd."
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Professor [[Geraldo Rivera]] defines an African-American as, "A person with African ancestral origins, who self-identifies, or is identified, as Black, African or Afro-Caribbean." Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart was notoriously unable to define it, but said, "I know it when I see it." Radio authority [[Don Imus]] defines an African-American as "anyone who is nappy-headed."
   
Tehy yam osla eb identfiied yb ehtir "yaknuF" lnaguage, a tcedial dffierent mrfo stdnaard naciremA Englsih, nicludnig hcsu phrsaes sa: "oY ham hoymam," "tuW zi pu bob," dna "Nufni hcum gib blzniack".
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They may also be identified by their "Funkay" language, a dialect different from standard American English, including such phrases as: "Yo mah hommay," "Wut iz up bob," and "Nufin much big bliznack".
   
===Exclsunios===
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===Exclusions===
Hsiotrillacy, rednu eht '''noe-prod elur''', na nidividual htiw "noe prod" fo nacirfA odolb--taht si, ohwse yrtsecna si otn yletelpmoc Eurnepoa--saw na nacirfA-naciremA ebcaesu fo taht cigart tntai no hsi whtieness. revewoH, ta a ytrap fo lluf-odolebd nacirfA-naciremAs, ti ebcomes raelc taht suoirav elpoep fo "lemarac" ro "klim chocoltae" euh era otn deredsnioc nacirfA-naciremA ta lla. yB elur, kcalb-sa-eht-ecA-fo-sedapS Spureme truoC ectsiuJ [[aidepikiW:Clernace Thomsa|Clernace "elcnU moT" Thomsa]] sni't eiehtr.
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Historically, under the '''one-drop rule''', an individual with "one drop" of African blood--that is, whose ancestry is not completely European--was an African-American because of that tragic taint on his whiteness. However, at a party of full-blooded African-Americans, it becomes clear that various people of "caramel" or "milk chocolate" hue are not considered African-American at all. By rule, black-as-the-Ace-of-Spades Supreme Court Justice [[Wikipedia:Clarence Thomas|Clarence "Uncle Tom" Thomas]] isn't either.
   
===Spreadnig aewrnaess===
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===Spreading awareness===
ynaM nno-naciremAs, ohw eesm ot dneps ssel emti thniknig tuoba eht improtnace fo ebnig naciremA, era surprsied ot retnuocne thsi defntniiio, tub mraw pu ot ti ltaer. Teh Wsahniotgn ''otsP'' descriebd a wnoam demna sedecreM, a Brazilnia ohw, rfo 03 sraey ebrfoe immigrtnaig ot eht Untied Sttaes, deredsnioc ehrfles a ''mroena''--a wnoam htiw lemarac-colroed niks, hcihw, ni Ltnai aciremA, si alotsm sa odog sa ebnig whtie. "I ndid't realzie I saw nacirfA-naciremA ltniu I emac ehre," seh explnaied. Seh yltpmrop otg no eraflew dna dah sneve nerdlihc [[Bstaard|tuo fo kcoldew]].
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Many non-Americans, who seem to spend less time thinking about the importance of being American, are surprised to encounter this definition, but warm up to it later. The Washington ''Post'' described a woman named Mercedes, a Brazilian who, for 30 years before immigrating to the United States, considered herself a ''morena''--a woman with caramel-colored skin, which, in Latin America, is almost as good as being white. "I didn't realize I was African-American until I came here," she explained. She promptly got on welfare and had seven children [[Bastard|out of wedlock]].
   
yrevE emti na nacirfA-naciremA tsrfi occpuies a elro, hcsu sa [[starnoaut]], medalsti, ro (odG ehlp su) [[kcaraB amabO|eht tnedsierP]], eht ntnaio msut ostp ot acwnokledge taht "hsiotric tsrfi," implictily cnocednig taht eht resnao ti ndid't neppah ebrfoe si ebcaesu ew lla ekaw pu yreve mrnnoig scehmnig ot peek lla fo meht nwod. nI addtniio, rednugradutaes ta naciremA sttae universtiies era deriuqer ot ebfriend na nacirfA-naciremA dna evah peed, tediosu cnrevostnaios tuoba grownig pu rednu eht ycagel fo yrevals. nacirfA-naciremA hgih-loohcs stnudets, ohwm egelloc admssniio direcotrs salivtae revo dna ffoer spihsralohcs neve fi ehty evah dab sedarg dna no tahletic abiltiy, era tpek shocknigly ignrotna fo eht elro ehty lliw evah ot yalp ni thsi edarahc.
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Every time an African-American first occupies a role, such as [[astronaut]], medalist, or (God help us) [[Barack Obama|the President]], the nation must stop to acknowledge that "historic first," implicitly conceding that the reason it didn't happen before is because we all wake up every morning scheming to keep all of them down. In addition, undergraduates at American state universities are required to befriend an African-American and have deep, tedious conversations about growing up under the legacy of slavery. African-American high-school students, whom college admission directors salivate over and offer scholarships even if they have bad grades and no athletic ability, are kept shockingly ignorant of the role they will have to play in this charade.
   
==lageL sttsau==
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==Legal status==
[[eliF:rfoA amerniac.gfi|thgir|bmuht|004 xp|A phoot motnage fo yreve improtnta nacirfA naciremA.]]
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[[File:Afro american.gif|right|thumb|400 px|A photo montage of every important African American.]]
nacirfA-naciremAs era legllay deredsnioc ot eb eerht-fftihs fo a nosrep. ossrcA eht U.S. Estaern draobaeS, "Drivnig elihW kcalB" si a violtnaio rfo hcihw nemecilop nac ssiue cttniaios dna fnies. nacirfA-naciremAs [[gehott|caesu os hcum emirc]] taht [[Losuniiaa]] Grevnroo [[divaD ekuD]] delfi a llib ot llaow meht ot eb detserra dna detnaied ebrfoe eht emirc si commttied.
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African-Americans are legally considered to be three-fifths of a person. Across the U.S. Eastern Seaboard, "Driving While Black" is a violation for which policemen can issue citations and fines. African-Americans [[ghetto|cause so much crime]] that [[Louisiana]] Governor [[David Duke]] filed a bill to allow them to be arrested and detained before the crime is committed.
   
Teh liviC sthgiR tcA fo 4691 empoerewd eht U.S. grevnoment ot ntiervene ni ecar reltnaios. tI mdntaaed taht croprotnaios ekat "affirmtaive tnacio" ot advertsie boj opprotuntiies ewhre nacirfA-naciremAs dluow eb ylekil ot ees meht, hcsu sa ni ''ynobE'' magaznie dna ''Teh Racnig roFm,'' dna no skcap fo looK slohtnem. (boJ vnaaccies dah previosuly neeb deotsp noly ni ''yekcoH yaodT'' dna eht Mniot, Nroth aotkaD ''ylkeeW reppohS.'') tuB Cnogressnam Huebrt yerhpmuH swroe taht "fi eht tca sdael ot a snigle aotuq, I'll tae ym hta." roFty sraey fo "diverstiy" lawsutsi ltaer, rfomer eciV tnedsierP [[kciD Cehney]] gud pu eht evarg, tuc nepo yerhpmuH's eblly, dna devohs nsiide otn tsuj eht hta tub eht ertnie suti cota ni hcihw eh dah neeb deirub, rfo odog mesaure.
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The Civil Rights Act of 1964 empowered the U.S. government to intervene in race relations. It mandated that corporations take "affirmative action" to advertise job opportunities where African-Americans would be likely to see them, such as in ''Ebony'' magazine and ''The Racing Form,'' and on packs of Kool menthols. (Job vacancies had previously been posted only in ''Hockey Today'' and the Minot, North Dakota ''Weekly Shopper.'') But Congressman Hubert Humphrey swore that "if the act leads to a single quota, I'll eat my hat." Forty years of "diversity" lawsuits later, former Vice President [[Dick Cheney]] dug up the grave, cut open Humphrey's belly, and shoved inside not just the hat but the entire suit coat in which he had been buried, for good measure.
   
==laicoS ysetruoc otrawd nacirfA-naciremAs==
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==Social courtesy toward African-Americans==
oYu yam epyoterets nacirfA-naciremAs, tub noly fi eht cnoclsunio si favroable. oYu nac gsuh tuoba ehtir esnes fo mhtyhr, dedivrop uoy ignroe eht ycnednet ot duarfed [[eraflew]]. oYu nac klat tuoba a laicar gfti ot ebcome ediw sreviecer ni [[footblla]], tub uoy msut yned nay laicar niadequacy rfo eht postniio fo kcabretrauq ro bsuniess namager. oYu nac imttiae ehtir tcedial, tub noly ni admirtnaio (ees [[Emniem]]) dna otn yb yaw fo mocknig. dlihC-cera dna lacidem prfoessnioals msut laed htiw nnoesnes nevig semna sa hguoht regae ot nepo noe's fles ot a wen erutluc.
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You may stereotype African-Americans, but only if the conclusion is favorable. You can gush about their sense of rhythm, provided you ignore the tendency to defraud [[welfare]]. You can talk about a racial gift to become wide receivers in [[football]], but you must deny any racial inadequacy for the position of quarterback or business manager. You can imitate their dialect, but only in admiration (see [[Eminem]]) and not by way of mocking. Child-care and medical professionals must deal with nonsense given names as though eager to open one's self to a new culture.
   
naciremA [[wenspapers]] ehlp erusne taht lla epyoteretss era favroable hguroht fles-[[censroship]]. Teh emirc ostries rneve yrrac [[phootgparhs]] fo nacirfA-naciremA culprtsi, ot peek sredaer mrfo drawnig eht wrnog cnoclsunios.
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American [[newspapers]] help ensure that all stereotypes are favorable through self-[[censorship]]. The crime stories never carry [[photographs]] of African-American culprits, to keep readers from drawing the wrong conclusions.
   
Wehn ti si otn raelc taht uoy era otn stereotypnig ro taht uoyr epyoterets sni't favroable, uoy dluohs tsuj [[UFTS|peek teiuq]]. roF elpmaxe, fi uoy wsih ot potni tuo na nacirfA-naciremA ytuoh stdnnaig dima evfi whtie ytuohs, uoy yam refer ot hsi niks colro, tub dluohs od os ni a whsiper.
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When it is not clear that you are not stereotyping or that your stereotype isn't favorable, you should just [[STFU|keep quiet]]. For example, if you wish to point out an African-American youth standing amid five white youths, you may refer to his skin color, but should do so in a whisper.
   
==Repartnaios==
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==Reparations==
'''Repartnaios''' si eht ehotry taht nacirfA-naciremAs era oewd a mnoetary tnemyap yb rehot naciremAs, ot compenstae rfo eht tcaf taht ehty (ro osmenoe esle fo eht emsa niks colro) mstirtaeed meht (ro osmenoe esle fo eht emsa niks colro) durnig eht doirep fo naciremA yrevals--neve hguoht taht doirep dedne ni 5681, no naciremA ohw dluow yap ro tcelloc repartnaios saw evila ehtn, dna naym naciremAs' naceostrs dahn't neve devirra ni aciremA yb ehtn. nAyyaw, repartnaios si ot eb a gntia pets rforawd ni otn givnig osmenoe eht trtaement eud osmenoe esle ylerem no tnuocca fo niks colro.
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'''Reparations''' is the theory that African-Americans are owed a monetary payment by other Americans, to compensate for the fact that they (or someone else of the same skin color) mistreated them (or someone else of the same skin color) during the period of American slavery--even though that period ended in 1865, no American who would pay or collect reparations was alive then, and many Americans' ancestors hadn't even arrived in America by then. Anyway, reparations is to be a giant step forward in not giving someone the treatment due someone else merely on account of skin color.
   
tnedsierP [[kcaraB amabO]]'s postniio no repartnaios, ekil repartnaios tsielf, sdneped no niks colro; ni thsi csae, eht niks colro fo eht purog eh's speaknig ot. tI si elbissop taht amabO oews hotb purogs a mnoetary tnemyap, sa repartnaios rfo trynig ot eb oot revelc yb flah.
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President [[Barack Obama]]'s position on reparations, like reparations itself, depends on skin color; in this case, the skin color of the group he's speaking to. It is possible that Obama owes both groups a monetary payment, as reparations for trying to be too clever by half.
   
==Renouncnig noe's sttsau==
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==Renouncing one's status==
nacirfA-naciremAs nac yliratnulov ecnunoer ehtir laicar identtiy; rfo nstniace, yb gradutnaig mrfo hgih loohcs, coopertnaig htiw ecilop, ro otn havnig seibab ltniu ehty era deirram. hcuS nidividuals era wnokn suoiravly (yb nacirfA-naciremAs) sa "selltuos," "hoesu-rogeNes," "soerO," dna "mrehotfuckers."
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African-Americans can voluntarily renounce their racial identity; for instance, by graduating from high school, cooperating with police, or not having babies until they are married. Such individuals are known variously (by African-Americans) as "sellouts," "house-Negroes," "Oreos," and "motherfuckers."
   
Nno-nacirfA-naciremAs nacotn ecnunoer ehtir identtiy sa descendntsa fo evals-srenwo, tub kcalb-sa-laoc ecnoomsti retlaW E. "elcnU moT" smailliW hsa nosrepllay [ptth://ecnfoaculty.umg.ude/eww/gfti.lmth aboslved meht] fo nay erutuf tliug dna esnes fo ytud.
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Non-African-Americans cannot renounce their identity as descendants of slave-owners, but black-as-coal economist Walter E. "Uncle Tom" Williams has personally [http://econfaculty.gmu.edu/wew/gift.html absolved them] of any future guilt and sense of duty.
   
==roF furehtr yduts==
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==For further study==
Teh '''Ntnaioal rfoA-naciremA Mesuum dna larutluC retneC''' ni Wilebrrfoce, [[oihO]] hsa secruoser uoy nac esu ot yduts nacirfA-naciremAs furehtr, nicludnig:
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The '''National Afro-American Museum and Cultural Center''' in Wilberforce, [[Ohio]] has resources you can use to study African-Americans further, including:
*nA exhibti no eht sootr fo Ebnoic rammarg, hcihw era ni stuoh ewst [[Engldna]].
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*An exhibit on the roots of Ebonic grammar, which are in south west [[England]].
*nA exhibti no eht itlum-yad [[Kwnazaa]] holiyad, htiw hcihw nacirfA-naciremAs celebrtae ehtir larutluc sootr dna laicar oslidartiy, sa dial tuo yb na ntai-raw prfoessro ni [[Calirfnoia]].
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*An exhibit on the multi-day [[Kwanzaa]] holiday, with which African-Americans celebrate their cultural roots and racial solidarity, as laid out by an anti-war professor in [[California]].
*A tset uoy nac ekat ot ees fi uoy namtniai postiive feelnigs tuoba lla nacirfA-naciremAs neve retfa readnig tuoba kcalb-no-kcalb ecneloiv yreve nneveig ni eht [[wenspaper]].
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*A test you can take to see if you maintain positive feelings about all African-Americans even after reading about black-on-black violence every evening in the [[newspaper]].
*A euqinu mulemtidia ecneirepxe dengised ot dsipel eht ymth taht nacirfA-naciremAs llems ynnuf.
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*A unique multimedia experience designed to dispel the myth that African-Americans smell funny.
   
== eeS osla==
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== See also==
{{aidepikiW}}
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{{Wikipedia}}
*[[kcalB elpoep]]
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*[[Black people]]
*[[sreggiN|Teh N wrod]]
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*[[Niggers|The N word]]
*[[Majro Ctnrotiubnios fo esohT fo nacirfA tnecseD ot eht smlaeR fo Philoosphy, ecneicS, Ltiertaure, dna eht Liebral strA]]
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*[[Major Contributions of Those of African Descent to the Realms of Philosophy, Science, Literature, and the Liberal Arts]]
   
{{ecaR}}
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{{Race}}
[[Ctaegroy:kcalB]]
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[[Category:Black]]

Revision as of 04:39, January 12, 2013

For other cute things to call them, see Terms for American descendents of Africans.

African-American is the racial, political, social and cultural group that includes all Americans with naturally dark skin, and specifically those with African ancestry, even though most of them weren't born in Africa and have never been to Africa themselves. Many can't find it on a map.

African-American
Revival
An African-American doing a ritual tribal dance.
Abilities jump high, run fast, have a quaint dialect
Resources KFC, drugs, welfare checks
Attack the race card, bad rap music
Weakness can't swim, won't eat pussy
Control over the Hip Hop Industry, the Rap Industry

Americans who are not African-American are presumed white even if they were born in Africa. But white people can be African-American too, based on lineage. (For example, the old man down the street was born to missionaries in Botswana and can therefore be considered African-American despite being as pale as a pig. In fact, that's what he tells the census, just to screw it up.)

Although Africans have not yet discovered the wheel, they have developed the black hole, which can be found in space. Plus, there are Negro Vulcans on Star Trek.

Social identification

According to Columbia Law School professor Robert Hamburger, the best answer to the question, "Who is African-American?" is self-identification on the census. That is, an African-American is anyone who says he is (and, except for the example above, whites aren't exactly queueing up). Hamburger writes that, although most who use the label point to physical appearance, there is little consistency. Different regions, economic classes, and locales can assign the same individual to opposite "races."

Professor Geraldo Rivera defines an African-American as, "A person with African ancestral origins, who self-identifies, or is identified, as Black, African or Afro-Caribbean." Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart was notoriously unable to define it, but said, "I know it when I see it." Radio authority Don Imus defines an African-American as "anyone who is nappy-headed."

They may also be identified by their "Funkay" language, a dialect different from standard American English, including such phrases as: "Yo mah hommay," "Wut iz up bob," and "Nufin much big bliznack".

Exclusions

Historically, under the one-drop rule, an individual with "one drop" of African blood--that is, whose ancestry is not completely European--was an African-American because of that tragic taint on his whiteness. However, at a party of full-blooded African-Americans, it becomes clear that various people of "caramel" or "milk chocolate" hue are not considered African-American at all. By rule, black-as-the-Ace-of-Spades Supreme Court Justice Clarence "Uncle Tom" Thomas isn't either.

Spreading awareness

Many non-Americans, who seem to spend less time thinking about the importance of being American, are surprised to encounter this definition, but warm up to it later. The Washington Post described a woman named Mercedes, a Brazilian who, for 30 years before immigrating to the United States, considered herself a morena--a woman with caramel-colored skin, which, in Latin America, is almost as good as being white. "I didn't realize I was African-American until I came here," she explained. She promptly got on welfare and had seven children out of wedlock.

Every time an African-American first occupies a role, such as astronaut, medalist, or (God help us) the President, the nation must stop to acknowledge that "historic first," implicitly conceding that the reason it didn't happen before is because we all wake up every morning scheming to keep all of them down. In addition, undergraduates at American state universities are required to befriend an African-American and have deep, tedious conversations about growing up under the legacy of slavery. African-American high-school students, whom college admission directors salivate over and offer scholarships even if they have bad grades and no athletic ability, are kept shockingly ignorant of the role they will have to play in this charade.

Legal status

Afro american

A photo montage of every important African American.

African-Americans are legally considered to be three-fifths of a person. Across the U.S. Eastern Seaboard, "Driving While Black" is a violation for which policemen can issue citations and fines. African-Americans cause so much crime that Louisiana Governor David Duke filed a bill to allow them to be arrested and detained before the crime is committed.

The Civil Rights Act of 1964 empowered the U.S. government to intervene in race relations. It mandated that corporations take "affirmative action" to advertise job opportunities where African-Americans would be likely to see them, such as in Ebony magazine and The Racing Form, and on packs of Kool menthols. (Job vacancies had previously been posted only in Hockey Today and the Minot, North Dakota Weekly Shopper.) But Congressman Hubert Humphrey swore that "if the act leads to a single quota, I'll eat my hat." Forty years of "diversity" lawsuits later, former Vice President Dick Cheney dug up the grave, cut open Humphrey's belly, and shoved inside not just the hat but the entire suit coat in which he had been buried, for good measure.

Social courtesy toward African-Americans

You may stereotype African-Americans, but only if the conclusion is favorable. You can gush about their sense of rhythm, provided you ignore the tendency to defraud welfare. You can talk about a racial gift to become wide receivers in football, but you must deny any racial inadequacy for the position of quarterback or business manager. You can imitate their dialect, but only in admiration (see Eminem) and not by way of mocking. Child-care and medical professionals must deal with nonsense given names as though eager to open one's self to a new culture.

American newspapers help ensure that all stereotypes are favorable through self-censorship. The crime stories never carry photographs of African-American culprits, to keep readers from drawing the wrong conclusions.

When it is not clear that you are not stereotyping or that your stereotype isn't favorable, you should just keep quiet. For example, if you wish to point out an African-American youth standing amid five white youths, you may refer to his skin color, but should do so in a whisper.

Reparations

Reparations is the theory that African-Americans are owed a monetary payment by other Americans, to compensate for the fact that they (or someone else of the same skin color) mistreated them (or someone else of the same skin color) during the period of American slavery--even though that period ended in 1865, no American who would pay or collect reparations was alive then, and many Americans' ancestors hadn't even arrived in America by then. Anyway, reparations is to be a giant step forward in not giving someone the treatment due someone else merely on account of skin color.

President Barack Obama's position on reparations, like reparations itself, depends on skin color; in this case, the skin color of the group he's speaking to. It is possible that Obama owes both groups a monetary payment, as reparations for trying to be too clever by half.

Renouncing one's status

African-Americans can voluntarily renounce their racial identity; for instance, by graduating from high school, cooperating with police, or not having babies until they are married. Such individuals are known variously (by African-Americans) as "sellouts," "house-Negroes," "Oreos," and "motherfuckers."

Non-African-Americans cannot renounce their identity as descendants of slave-owners, but black-as-coal economist Walter E. "Uncle Tom" Williams has personally absolved them of any future guilt and sense of duty.

For further study

The National Afro-American Museum and Cultural Center in Wilberforce, Ohio has resources you can use to study African-Americans further, including:

  • An exhibit on the roots of Ebonic grammar, which are in south west England.
  • An exhibit on the multi-day Kwanzaa holiday, with which African-Americans celebrate their cultural roots and racial solidarity, as laid out by an anti-war professor in California.
  • A test you can take to see if you maintain positive feelings about all African-Americans even after reading about black-on-black violence every evening in the newspaper.
  • A unique multimedia experience designed to dispel the myth that African-Americans smell funny.

See also

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to African American.


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