Africa

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Earth's Continents

Africa is widely agreed to be Earth's shittiest continent, in more ways than one. For one thing, most of the land is wracked with hunger, poverty, disease, genocide, and hopelessness. It is also caked in shit. Not a pleasant place, all things considered.

History

Africasad

Africa sad.

File:Africafood.JPG

The continent of Africa was first formed a long time ago. Exactly how long ago is not important unless you're studying geography, and since you are browsing Uncyclopedia, I think it's safe to rule that one out.

Africa is notable in that it is the original homeland of the human race. Keep in mind that this is the consensus reached by the scientific community only. Fundamentalists for some reason do not like the idea that Adam and Eve were Africans. Charming lot, those Fundamentalists.

Back at the dawn of humanity, Africa was a harsh yet beautiful land. The climate was comfortable, the Sahara was a vast grassland, and the animals were not nearly as vicious as they could have been. Gotta look for the silver lining in these things.

Africa was also home to the first human civilizations, including the Egyptians and the various tribes of the West Coast. No, not California. *Africa*. Stay focused. Things aren't always about America, you know.

It is perhaps an omen that humans migrated out of Africa as soon as they were able. As the descendants of these migrants formed rich and powerful civilizations in Europe, Asia, and (somehow) the Americas, the people of Africa retained a relative amount of primitiveness. Maybe it was the heat. Heat does make you lethargic, after all.

Anyways, the African people paid for their technological tardiness when the White Man (boo!) arrived just after the Middle Ages. European slave drivers invaded the continent's shores, uprooting villages, destroying ecosystems, and throwing an entire race of people into centuries of bondage. Just think of it as the moment Africa "jumped the shark", so to speak.

The continent still struggles today to overcome the repurcussions of European colonialism. Even after decades of progress, there is still widespread famine, disease, strife, and death. But hey, you can't blame their corrupt leaders for not trying, right? Right? Well, maybe you can.

Economy

The African economy is diverse and varies depending on the region in question. An overview:

  • Saharan Africa: It has, like, half a person per square mile. There is no economy apart from exporting sand to rich countries that can build artificial lakes.
  • Egypt: Mainly trinket-based, with a side of thievery and a sprinkling of bombs
  • Nigeria: PRINCE AND HEIR APPARENT KING OZZIDIZZIE AMA IWABE TEMBE WISHES TO TRANSFER TO OVERSEAS THE SUM OF ONE HUNDRED AND! FORTY TWO MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS (U.S. $142,000,000.00) FROM AFRICA, PLEASE HELP!
  • Congo: Drugs, plus revenue from infecting people wth jungle rot and ransoming them for the cure.
  • West Africa: Poised to be the first e-mail-based, powerhouse economic bloc. Just send them USD $200 first.
  • East Africa: Safaris. Nothing else matters here.
  • South Africa: Basically propped up by the DeBeers Diamond Co. alone.
  • The Middle East: Oil. Terror. Islam. Nothing else, but the market for those is huge. Oops, how stupid, the Middle East isn't in Africa. Nevermind, most people don't know or care.

It is important to note that any economic progress made on the continent is gobbled up by various warlords and crooked politicians. You think you get mad when you hear that millions are spent to build an Alaskan bridge to nowhere? In Africa that same sum is spent daily to ensure that the local kingpin's leather boots stay clean enough for his lackeys to eat off of. That is, if the lackeys had food or even boots, of course, which they don't.

Exports

US-Map-of-Africa

A map depicting an unusually intelligent American's conception of Africa.

Culture

File:'African' flag.PnG

African culture is rich and varied, with a strong oral tradition and a wealth of artistic treasures. Of course, very few good things in Africa come without a price. So, there's the Pyramids of Giza (built by slave labor), the Great Djenne Mosque (made entirely from mud), and the infamous South African diamond mines (worked with semi-slave labor).

The artistic traditions in Africa focus mainly on earth-toned gemometric designs. This is mainly because there is precious little subject matter in Africa fit for painting, drawing, and weaving. If Norman Rockwell lived in Africa, he would be an unhappy man. So would just about anyone.

Africa also enjoys a diverse tapestry of religions. There's Islam, Radical Islam, Fundamentalist Islam, Conservative Islam, and various tribal beliefs (who in a few years will surely convert to Islam). Ancient Egyptian mythology, while no longer seriously believed in, is still ripe for making bad Mummy sequels. Contrary to popular belief, there is no such thing as a "voodoo" religion in Africa. It's called "hoodoo", and trust me, you don't want to piss those people off.

The majority of American youth enjoy Africa's exotic culture. These cultural touchstones include breakdancing, robbing stores, loitering, and holding up your baggy pants. The most popular African export is rap music. The majority of Africans rap for money, but artists such as Eminem and Vanilla Ice are slowly replacing them.

Geography

Africamapclear

An American's conception of Africa (simplified version).

To the average American, Africa has only three countries: Egypt, Kenya, and South Africa. And maybe Zimbabwe. But that's pushing it. And if you have a Yahoo account, perhaps Nigeria. Of course, Americans also think that all Africans are tribesmen who live in grass huts. Which actually isn't too far from the truth.

Don't get me wrong, Africa does have its share of cities. It's just that they're filled with slums, crime, and feces. Cairo, Johannesburg, Mombasa, Kinshasa... sure, they put on a friendly face for the tourists, but get past that cheerful, sunny exterior and you find a cesspool of human failure and misery. But hey, they've got monkeys!

Off the east coast of Africa lies the island of Madagascar. Don't let the movie fool you. This is not a carefree paradise full of friendly and eccentric lemurs. Well, the lemurs are true, but they're not friendly. Neither are the insects, nor the flesh-eating diseases they carry.

Pro and Cons

Before travelling to Africa, one should carefully weigh the pro and cons of the trip. Consider this:

PRO:
  • It's nice and sunny most of the time, and they've got monkeys!
CONS:
  • Widespread famine
  • Lacks fresh salmon
  • Rampant crime
  • Dirt and grime
  • Political corruption
  • Commercial interruption
  • E-mail scams
  • Traffic jams
  • Hopeless poverty
  • No real sovereignty
  • Genocide
  • Ecocide
  • Homicide
  • Regicide
  • AIDS
  • 'nades
  • Super AIDS
  • Army raids
  • Yet more AIDS
  • Malaria
  • Hysteria
  • Tuberculosis
  • Mononucleosis
  • Entrenched kleptocracies
  • Radical theocracies
  • Drugs
  • Thugs
  • Bugs
  • Slugs
  • More drugs
  • Black markets
  • Shag carpets
  • Desertification
  • A lost generation
  • High top fades
  • The trees have AIDS
  • Yellow fever
  • Jungle fever
  • Dengue fever
  • Death
  • Meth
  • More death
  • Terrorism
  • Also, did i mention the AIDS?

And the monkeys all have rabies.

Conclusion

Africa sucks, and now I'm depressed. Thanks a lot.

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